Family Roles and Adult Stepsiblings
I really need to find out if I'm being unreasonable or not. If I am, knocking some sense into me would be much appreciated. If not, some supportive guidance on how to handle this scenario would be much appreciated.
My SS has been a part of my life for a couple of years (we were both adults when our respective parents married). She doesn't refer to my mom as "Mom," I don't refer to her dad as "Dad," nor do we refer to each other as sisters. All step-sibs are on a first-name basis and are quite cordial.
However, my granddad has been quite ill lately, and my SS has never previously had a relationship with him (simply encountered him at holiday dinners with about 20 other relatives), but ever since he got sick she's been calling him "grampa," and taking time off work to be with him. They truly don't have a relationship, and so her recent interest in him has ruffled my feathers a bit.
She's been missing work and telling people her grampa is sick, she's by his bedside more frequently than his blood relatives (not because we don't want to be there, but because we can't afford to miss time off work on a frequent basis. Neither can she, but she's using this to get out of work - if it wasn't this, it would be something else. She's always got new excuses to not work.
Recently there was a scare where we thought he was passing. She texts me to say "I don't like seeing grampa like this." She called in to work saying her grampa was dying, made it to him before the rest of us could, and quite frankly this bothered me. I (perhaps selfishly) couldn't handle the thought of her holding his hand instead of one of his closer relatives as he was passing, namely because we are all close with him and she's really not.
We certainly don't have that kind of relationship with her grandparents, and I know her family would be uncomfortable if we forced ourselves into their situations like that.
Any advice or input would be much appreciated.
Cheers.
I think sueu2 brings up a
I think sueu2 brings up a good point. I have recently been transfering family videos onto dvd. One of the things that I noticed was the amount of time I spent taking my daughters to nursing homes and hospitals to visit some of mt past husbnd's elderly relatives and mine.
My ex mil had a great dislike towards her mother and when she became old and ill would not visit her. My husband and his sisters would not even take the time to visit. They would not think to ruffle their mother's feathers. I had videos of my girls as young children visiting their great grandma. It did not make me popular with the rest of the family that I would make weekly visits. They had no idea how often I would make it a priority. I worked full time and they did not have jobs, Mil just never got past her "I had a terrible childhood stories"
This was 25 years ago. The woman was in her 80's. I never regretted making the time for her available even though it did ruffle a feathers with a few people. I worked in a nursing home, my children grew up interacting with the elderly. As grown middle aged women they all are in the medical field and comfortable with both the elderly and death.
Also many times family members are uncomfortable with older sickly relatives. My girls spent many years growing up with a weekly routine of visiting great grandmas on both sides and grandparents who were in nursing homes and hospital. It comes natural to them to visit when others may feel uncomfortable. I would hope that the ease in which they visit would not cause a " how dare they be visiting attitude"
First of all, I'd make sure
First of all, I'd make sure his will is in order, and nothing has changed. My mom had an elderly neighbor. A young woman 'befreinded' him before he died and wound up getting everything. If the will is 'set' and no change is going to take place, then there is no harm in your SS claiming him as 'family'.
I would think that if she was
I would think that if she was just using him as an excuse to miss work, she wouldn't actually go visit with him...she would go have fun. I'm sure this is uncomfortable and weird. But it's possible that there is something that connects them. If it seems to make HIM happy, I would not worry about it. Be glad that someone can be there when you can't to keep him company. But yeah, look into the will situation...ya never know!
Hi all, Thanks for the very
Hi all,
Thanks for the very good points. For one, no I don't think she'd visit him if it was just an excuse. But there have been times where she's been "in the know" (as StepAside has said) before my sibling and I, and it's irked the two of us.
What's more is she will get the call before either one of us, because while my parent is calling other relatives (namely her own siblings), her husband is calling my SS and so she gets to know before anyone and goes out of her way to talk about how much she's been there for my granddad.
My granddad has actually said many times that my sibling and I are his only grandchildren, which I suppose is why it irks me that she's now taken to calling him "grampa" and staying by his side when this was never the norm. He's also said "I can take her or leave her." Even when other relatives in the family have been sick (not palliative) she'll send a text message wishing them well rather than visiting them in hospital. She's never had a relationship with my granddad in any semblance of the word. Not to mention, she's only been in our lives a couple of years, which is what makes things thing feel a bit off to me.
And yeah, I think I wouldn't mind so much if she called him anything else but grampa. It's difficult becoming an adult stepsibling for the first time and having to "share" lifelong established positions with someone new who's trying to squeeze in. Does that make sense? We didn't grow up together, we've literally only known each other for two years and she comes in and is trying to be the greatest "granddaughter" in the world to someone she's barely known. That's where I feel the most sensitive about it all.
I am with sueu2 on this one.
I am with sueu2 on this one. My own children(who don't even live remotely close) ask about thier step g'pa all the time and have visited him more in the past 10 years probably 10 fold more times than thier step sibs. First of all, they value the elderly and know how lonesome it can get when you are old and alone. Secondly, he is an honorable man. Thirdly, my children don't have grandparents. We literally begged SD's and SS to visit him. They can't be bothered.
Now, by all means I want you to know that I don't think you have ever neglected your dear grandfather. Some people just have that "connection" .
In the meantime, I send you a virtual "hug" as losing a dear grandfather is never easy.
The other point about her calling in work all the time. I so get where you are coming from! I work with someone like that and we all work "short handed" because everyone else's life come first before ours. It is irksome. I am the type when I die, I won't be able to come to my own funeral because I have to work!
I'll share a confession. My own mother died about 3 years ago. My SD's treat me like absolute shit. My mother had alzheimers and it was a very strained, painful couple of years. The SD's never once asked me how she was, how they could help etc. I instructed everyone when she died that they were not to notify my SD's because I knew they would both get paid a day off work bereavement pay for a woman whose daughter they despised. They sat there through my father's funeral wailing and carrying on. When he was alive, they couldn't give him the time of day .Both my parents welcomed them all into the clan with open, giving arms.
My hubby caught hell for that too. }:)