Entitlement is OK for everyone else - but me!
Synopsis: SO divorced several years before we met. We have been living together for six years in the house I already had. His kids are now SS24 and SD21. He has virtually no contact with BM whatsoever – not due to any specific hostility, there is just no relationship or communication whatsoever. He chooses not to engage with her for any reason. Any information we find out about that household is based on what SD tells us.
BM was spoiled by her doting parents. They were working class but through much blood, sweat and hard work, wound up with significant assets. BM has never held a full-time job and was pretty much handed everything by her parents – including houses to live in beginning at age 21 and continuing through today. My SO worked a good job throughout their marriage and she was a stay at home mom. She did not have to work a day throughout their 15+ year marriage. SO’s two kids were raised in the same vein, knowing they would inherit it all someday. Grandparents constantly told them they were set for life. So these adult kids are 2nd generation entitlement babies.
SS24 is a mess; although he graduated from college he spends his days alone in his bedroom watching TV/playing video games. Completely socially inept – has no friends that anyone knows of, cannot maintain a conversation, hygiene is horrible, and cannot even make eye contact. He has made no move to get a job since there is no need – he has not worked a full-time job in his life as there is plenty of money to keep a roof over his head, food in his belly, and he is covered under Dad’s health insurance till 26. BM does not want to interfere with his behavior as she doesn’t want to upset him, according to SD. MY SO has had multiple, caring conversations with SS and asked him to seek counseling or at least visit a doctor for a check-up. SS refuses and so just sits alone in isolation. Quite some time ago, I had recommended SO talk to BM and have a united-front intervention for the SS's sake, but he refuses to engage her. Allegedly, SS is doing drugs so that is probably a factor.
SS relationship with his dad was OK until several months ago when he stopped talking to DH and won't take or return his calls. There was no falling out, no fight, no disagreement. The last time they were together, it was a pleasant time with no issues raised. SS doesn’t normally talk to his sister either, but he did state recently he doesn’t want anything to do with his father because, “He is an a##hole.” This statement coincided with SS’s child support cessation timeframe. I believe BM was in a snit and certainly said something about it to the kids. BM is passive aggressive and manipulates in subtle but powerful ways. (BTW, legally the child support for SS should have ended when he was 21, but SO kept sending his portion along with SD’s to BM anyway – three extra years’ worth!)
SD21 is in better shape as she will graduate in a few months and has a job already lined up in her chosen profession. Like her brother, she is pleasant enough when she visits and although we are not close, I have no complaints about how she behaves towards me. She is much like her mother in that she has never had to work, has everything given to her; brand new car w/insurance & gas paid for, apartment of her own (NOT a dorm room), credit card for going out to dinner with friends, vacations abroad, clothes, etc. She can be manipulative to get what she wants, although she does it very subtly and with a smile. I believe she has inherited that behavior from her mother.
When SD turned 21, SO informed BM that he would now send SD’s portion of child support directly to her until she graduates. BM no longer gets any checks from SO – so he is done with her in that regard. However, I just discovered that SO is actually sending the FULL amount (what he was paying for BOTH kids) to his daughter every month -- which IMO is a significant amount of money! The “family” money is already paying for SD's rent, utilities, etc. so this four-figure monthly amount is really just spending money for her. My SO figures it’s fair because the BM’s family money is already paying for everything else.
I was annoyed when he was still sending his ex three extra years of child support for his over-21 son before but figured it was none of my business – which it isn’t. But now that I’ve found out he has been sending his daughter more money per month than what he gives me, my resentment is building. Even though it’s only going to last a few more months the overall principal bothers me.
Here’s why: When I met SO, one of the qualities he admired about me (and still does) was that I have always been self-supporting. He point-blank said he did not want another relationship like the one he had with his ex, where there was no ambition or ability to be self sufficient. But that so-called admiration is starting to wear a bit thin on me because it seems it’s a quality he wants in me and other people – but when it comes to his kids (or his ex-wife) not so much. I don’t understand how he can admire a quality so much, yet feel no need to instill it in his own kids.
My SO and I have completely separate financial accounts; he provides me with "rent" which is about half of what my mortgage amount is plus a little bit extra -but not enough to cover half the utilities. Of course, it does not include major expenses like house upkeep which I have been OK with – because it is my house after all. Things like the new roof, new appliances, household repairs, etc. come solely out of my bank account. Everything else is split 50-50 between us – vacations, dining out, activities, etc.
If I weren’t so “self sufficient” about paying my own way and not needing his financial support in any way, it is doubtful my SO would have been able to send all this extra child support for these several years and continue to do so. His budget would not have allowed for it if he had to pay a full mortgage/rent, utilities for himself AND continue to send extra child support for three years. Thus, in a roundabout way, I am subsidizing the situation.
I know I could have much worse problems after reading things you all have been through. When I have tried to have a conversation with him about this financial largesse he provides his kids, it soon becomes apparent I am out of my realm of influence and he bristles when I say anything he perceives as too critical. And it honestly is none of my business. BUT … when I have to pick up the tab for a new roof which also covers his head, or the appliances that wash his clothes, dishes, etc. and then see that his already well-off adult children get such checks, my anger builds.
I do admire him for his solid, steadfast support of his kids – and compared to so many others we hear about, he has always provided and been there for his children.
Guess all I am seeking is an opportunity to vent about this, and to get affirmation from everyone to just keep my mouth shut for a few more months until such payments stop. But I do worry sometimes what the future holds. After all, fortunes can be lost in an instant. And then what will happen when the so-called admirable quality of “self-sufficiency” these kids lack --- may come home to roost?