Entitled SD25?
I'd like an honest reality check, and ask you all if it is just me...Background: My fiancee and I have been together for 13 years and have lived together for 5 and love each other very deeply. His daughters are 23 and 25. He had custody of them growing up, and they are all very close. The problem that I'm having is with the older daughter.
She has had some problem with me since I moved in, but it was bearable, because she was away at school most of the time. She moved home after college months ago, and I've been miserable since. She seems to go out of her way to make sure that everyone in house knows that she is "Daddy's" favorite, and excludes me from every conversation, activity, etc. She lives in our home, doesn't work (she didn't want to work over the summer)and treats our home like her castle. If she wants something, she takes it..... doesn't ask. She tells my fiancee and I that she's having a friend stay for the summer. She empties the kitchen (food, dishes, pans) and stocks her kitchen (we have a two family house, she has her own apartment in the house). She "shops" in our pantry, leaves a mess in the laundry room, leaves dishes in the sink, and seems to think that I'm the maid. And to make it worse, she and her boyfriend come and go through the house at anytime of the day, so my fiancee and I have zero privacy.
I'm sure that I've been handling this very poorly. I've just checked out. I barely can be civil to her, so I just don't engage at all. She's all sweetness when "Daddy" is around, but when he's not, she ignores me.
We've gone to therapy as a family. She's said that she doesn't have a problem with me, but "wants what she wants, when she wants it", and that respecting me/my belongs/my boundaries gets in the way of what she wants. My fiancee doesn't want to see that she's being selfish and self-centered, so he excuses it.
I'm so frustrated, and very close to moving out over this. My fiancee and I are arguing over the lack of support I'm feeling and I can't see an end in sight. The stress of being in the house is overwhelming me.
Any thoughts on how to manage through this?
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Wow, she is doing this at the
Wow, she is doing this at the age of 25? That is ridiculous! I think that you and your fiancee need to sit down and come up with some boundaries and rules for her living there. First is that she should be required to get a job. She's too damn old to be sitting around with no job. Then she needs to be required to provide for herself, because there is NO good reason why she can't. She also doesn't need to be just inviting people over to stay without getting permission. It's bad enough you guys don't get any privacy due to the SD's, but having the boyfriend come in and out of your house at any time would get REAL old. It just pisses me off how these entitled older stepkids think they can come live with you but then act like they can do whatever they want. My SD is 21 and she knows that no guys are allowed to sleep over...period. How long has she been living with you again? You may want to consider charging her rent.
You are going to be stuck in a stress-filled marriage if you don't do something about this. Also if you moved into his house, that is going to give the SD's a psychological advantage over you because you are on "her turf" since you moved in. Maybe your fiancee would consider putting the place for sale at some point and moving into a different place. It honestly sounds like your fiancee is more afraid of angering one of his daughters than he is of losing you, and that's a scary place to be because I've been there. It took me threatening to get my own place before my wife finally came around and started having my back more when it comes to the SKIDS. I was always stressed out of my mind when it came to dealing with them. You need to have an HONEST and SERIOUS discussion on how things are going to be before you two get married. I hope it works out for you.
Believe me....I agree!! Just
Believe me....I agree!! Just an addendum on the question "Why don't we lock the doors".....I do...she breaks in to our home. "But there wasn't any soda in my fridge". So near the end of my rope.
What does your dh say about
What does your dh say about this? If my dh didn't put a stop to this craziness I'd be gone. Her braking in would be the deal breaker if he doesn;t do anything.
I agree with everything that the others have said. But I would like to know what your dh thinks and has done that would tell me what I need to do.
The first time, he said
The first time, he said "knock it off", but she started sobbing that we had locked her out of the home she grew up in and he backed down. The second time, he said "at least use a key, not the window". This last time, he told me not to lock the doors.
I'd be leaving!! But that is
I'd be leaving!! But that is just me. I would tell dh that letting her brake in or having access to OUR home and not putting US first is something I will not put up with. HE might put a stop to it but if not you know where you stand which is not by his side.
I can relate. I moved in
I can relate. I moved in w/DH and SD (25 at the time). She was coddled, selfish, lazy, mean-spirited, manipulative and made things difficult for me at every turn. My DH ignored the issues and kept promising to talk to her. Then he'd get mad at me and accuse me of trying to control him because he wanted to talk to her "when he was ready." WTF.
We argued constantly over SD's antics. I was always stressed out and not comfortable living in my own house. It was horrible especially considering we were newlyweds. I finally told DH if he didn't set his princess straight, that I was filing for a divorce. Then I went to visit my sister to drive home my point. His emotionally attachment to SD trumped his attachment to me and I told him so. I also told him I wasn't in competition w/his daughter and that his allegiance should be to me. I told him I wasn't going to stay in a miserable marriage for anyone. Once he realized that I was serious about leaving the marriage, he got his but in gear. He started setting SD straight about her BS and making her accountable.
During this time, I disengaged from SD and only spoke to be civil. The only reason I didn't curse her out and throw her down the basement stairs was out of respect for my DH and my fear of going to jail
. I made sure DH and I spent more time behind closed doors when she was in the home, thus shutting her out. When he and I were in a room and she entered and started talking, I would walk out. I spent alot of time in our bedroom w/the door closed. I made my disdain for SD clear. She'd recently finished an advanced degree and started working, so I made DH double her rent. I continued to set DH straight about her laziness and lack of accountability. The result. She recently moved in her own place at 27, after raising hell here for 3 years.
If your fiance is not on the same page, and continues to kiss SD's ass and accommodate her, instead of showing allegiance to you, it's only going to get worse after you marry him. SD will really try to exert her power. And I don't want you go through the hell I went through. Put your foot down and tell him you want to see some changes or the relationship will not progress to marriage. SD needs to get a job and her own place, not sharing a space w/you and daddy. She needs to get a plan for her life. In my case I knew SD was preparing herself to be self-reliance so it was just a matter of time before she moved. But she was in no hurry trust me. She had it far to easy here, but I changed that. If your fiance doesn't take you seriously, start looking for a place to live, and bringing boxes home to drive home your point. If he's smart he'll start making some drastic changes. If he doesn't you'll have to. Life is too short to be miserable.
She shops in your kitchen, go
She shops in your kitchen, go and shop in hers
She comes and goes in your house, come and go in hers.
Just a thought. Would be nice......
But in reality Dad needs to set some boundaries.