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Newimprvmodel's picture

This is killing our relationship. There is a third party in our marriage. His adult daughter who has no relationship with me. DH gets up much earlier than me. Like 5 am. By the time I get up at 7 he has already either talked with or texted with his daughter. He literally might be talking to her when I get to the kitchen to make coffee. Then he goes into his office to work and most mornings I read the paper alone. 
He has become very interested in news/politics and he shares with her articles every day. Lately he group texts me in on their texts with these articles and I don't respond. 
we planned a nice day out yesterday. Started at 9 am we left house and I was driving. He asked my opinion on something and began to read. It was a text he had already sent to his daughter about a movie we had watched late the night before. I said don't you realize what is going on?  He admits he feels closer to his daughter feels I shut him out. I do. I really don't share my thoughts with him because it all goes back to her. We can't enjoy a moment out without him taking a pic and sending it to her and her sister. 
I said I don't understand why we can't have coffee together?  Why start every day with your daughter?  Besides what the hell is her marriage like? 
But this was like this before we married. Texts at 7 am when we went on trips together. I don't have answers. We agreed to take time to have coffee together every morning. And talk more. It's a start. 

CajunMom's picture

It's extremely hard on a relationship/marriage when you have a MiniWife involved. Ask me how I know. I remember in our early days of our relationship, DH and I were reading a book together on marriage. His daughter found out, started reading the book and wanted to discuss it with him. I was appalled. And I expressed that to DH in clear terms. Thankfully, he noticed the improper inmeshment (it goes DEEP in that family of orgin because of the BM) and made changes. I can say this and mean it...we'd have never made it had he not made changes. I'm not competing with any woman in my marriage, including a MiniWife. 

She has inserted herself over the years but I address it right when it the time DH and I made a decision on something and she did her best to sway him to her (and his other kids opinion). Didn't happen. She still caused discourse in our marriage for years but we stood strong....coming up to 19 years together. These days, she's quiet. Or DH has learned how to manage her without me knowing. Who knows??

I'm hoping your SO/DH sees the damage this is doing to your time is a good start. Best to you.

2Tired4Drama's picture

Of course he does. Because he makes a lot more effort to connect with her than he does to you, his wife. Technology is part of the problem - they can reach out to each other with the tap of a finger. 

As you noted, their relationship was like this before you married. I don't mean this disrespectfully, but why did you think it would change when you married? Did you have a serious discussion with him prior, and he just lapsed back into this behavior?  

If he said he would change things when you married, and hasn't, then you have a platform to stand on. I do know that there are many people who are constantly communicating with others in their families.  I have friends who do this - texting their grown kids several times a day (often every few hours!), sending photos, etc. It's obsessive and controlling, IMO. That's probably because I come from a generation where you had to actually go to a phone, dial it and if the person wasn't at home you were just out of luck. (Didn't even have answering machines back then!)  We all got along, lived our lives.

Ask your DH if he can use the old "phone on the kitchen wall" as a guidepost for awhile. Only contact SD once a day, briefly, as though he were standing at the phone. Maybe do a brief call in the morning, but ensuring he is free to have morning coffee with you. Then he pledges to NOT communicate with her throughout the rest of the day. 

Added: FWIW, Pew Research did a study recently and found that 19% of fathers text their adult children daily. So use some statistics on your DH - he is WAY out of the norm if he is texting multiple times per day. 



MorningMia's picture

I like the idea (and 2Tired's suggestion) of you having uninterrupted coffee with your husband in the morning--and if his phone dings or rings, ask him if he can take the text or call later, when you two aren't in each other's company. You say that you have no relationship with his daughter. I think it's interesting that he has included you in some group texts. I think you should start engaging in those texts. If his daughter doesn't like you, that may inspire her to back off. I think it's interesting that he takes photos when he's out with you and sends them to his daughters. My husband has never done that because the skids and I have pretty  much erased one another. So, it looks like your husband wants to include you (maybe too much). Seems to me that this will be a slow process of you two establishing some boundaries (he shouldn't share everything you say to him with his daughter--that needs to stop!) while re-engaging with one another. 

Newimprvmodel's picture

Before we were married she refused to speak with him never responded to our wedding invite and that all lasted for 5 years. Now this. Interestingly they rarely see each other in person, she refuses to spend holidays and has not been to our home in 2 years. She lives within 4 hours. So its sharing my husband with a total stranger who's presence is always in the background. I admit that over the years i share less and less with him.  He refuses to acknowledge this mini wife issue. 

MorningMia's picture

Ok, this is weird. There must be something out there written about this kind of thing that you could share with him (in addition to the statistics). Another thing you could do (which would take a lot of effort) is get involved in their conversations and texts (the group texts--and ask him to put her on speaker phone). With her history, I think that could drive her off/out when "all you're doing" is communicating with her. (Muhahahah.) 

DH and I saw a counselor after we married because of BM's constant intrusion into our lives as she was also alienating SD from us. The therapist told us DO NOT ALLOW HER TO HAVE ONE-ON-ONE COMMUNICATION WITH DH (she was upsetting him regularly with lies and exaggerations and demands). He said, "You two are a/the couple. She knows she has a better chance at manipulating him if you, Mia, are not witness to the communication. Since she is not respecting your marriage and she is intruding, insist that emails and calls come in via a shared email account and to your shared home phone--make her leave messages on your shared phone." DH and I had to be on the same page for this to work (boy, was BM ever angry). DH somehow has to recognize that your marriage is the primary relationship. 

Newimprvmodel's picture

I urged him for us to visit her for a weekend.  We last did that over a year ago and had a good time, really ourselves because she lives in a resort area. I was met with silence. He wouldn't even discuss it. So weird. 

Harry's picture

You can set up uninterrupted coffee time at 6:30 am to 7;30. No phone calls no texts.  Good way to start the morning. SD is trying to control DH. Is a game for her.  You must take an active role,  you must inform DH, Since SD is disrespectful to you, Ge will have your back. As in no calling or texting SD in your presence.  As going out, to the store, movies. Dinner, ect.  You must let DH know he too old to be playing her game.  It's his choice, your rules or go live with SD.  


Merry's picture

I went through a similar hell. Miniwives are really hard on a marriage. Inserting herself in everything, big and small. Interrupting dates and travel for Dadddeeee's attention.  I finally had it. He could pick one wife, but he couldn't have both.

Took him a while, but she no longer runs his life. They've gone from constants texts/calls to her not speaking with him at all. She's upset with him but won't tell him why.

Be very clear with your DH that there is room for only two people in your marriage.


Rumplestiltskin's picture

That's a strange pattern with these enmeshed daughters and exes. They are either over-the-top close or not speaking and angry. They can't just be normal (civil or even friendly but with boundaries.) Maybe that's the root of it. Unable to do boundaries so it's all or nothing. 

Merry's picture

That does seem to be a pattern. It's really unhealthy.

DH admits that he and BM gave her way too much power in their household even as a young child. I'm sorry he has to pay the price, but it was predictable.

So stepmoms end up setting healthy boundaries and then become the bad guys for everything. 

Rags's picture

My Skid is a mutant. He is not angry, he just has no use for them.  They make zero effort. He makes even less. They are unworthy of a place in his life, and he makes no place for them.


Stepdrama2020's picture

Creepy AF

Ive been you. Its NOT RIGHT period.

Obviously you have been mini wifed and he just expects you to wait in the sidelines, cause this works for big daddio.

Hun I know I say this often on here. I can only go by what I read. Only you know this in entirety but IMHO  please RUN. You are in a sister daughter wife relationship. Those rarely work out.

It crushes your soul, crushes your dignity , crushes your self esteem.


BobbyDazzler's picture

it sounds like codependancy on steroids. Have you asked him why he feels the need to communicate with her on that level? Have you told him how you feel about or how 'not normal' their relationship is? How long have you been married? I apologize if you've addressed all this in the thread already.

This is pretty creepy.  Good luck.

StepMonsters's picture

I have been married to a DH of five children for three decades. My relationship with his children as adults has been mostly unpleasant. I allowed myself to be mistreated, and once I began setting boundaries, my life changed for the better. I won't allow them or anyone to mistreat me. I don't see three of his adult children because they treat me poorly.

Newimprvmodel's picture

and this thing with the steps has not changed.  Many years trying to get water from stones. I am done.  I am selfish and I come first, not his married kids who have their own spouses.  You can't think that you can snub and mistreat daddy's wife and she is going to step aside and turn the other cheek.  I no longer suggest or buy gifts. I no longer tolerate DH stopping what we are doing on a Saturday night because daughter wants to chit chat.  I have put my foot down. I do not feel bad.  It's appropriate and high time. 

I do not know the response I will get when I finally see SD in person.  We have been nice nice in person but totally distant and superficial. Strangers. Frankly I dont care.  DH understands and will make adjustments. His reactions and feelings I care about, not his kids'. They are gone to me and meaningless. is this disengagement?  When you no longer care about them?  

Newimprvmodel's picture

So quickly and I feel like you do.  

Newimprvmodel's picture

So quickly and I feel like you do.