Does your DH admit that Skids are trying to break up your marriage
Does your DH admit that his kids thryvto break up you marriage. Mine does not. I asked him what he thinks she is trying to do when she bullies me. He says that he does not feel she is trying to break up our marriage. I ask him then what is she doing? He says he doesn’t know. He says she is happy for him that him and I have fun.
He says that she had way more important things in her life to do than break us up.
Is it the goal of most of these skids to break up our marriages? If they are concerned about their fathers happiness wouldn’t they treat their spouse with respect? I think DH is gaslighting me. He is trying to make me
Question beliefs of what is right and wrong. Beliefs about how anyone should be treated. That if someone’s personality is to be a bully then all you can do is just take it.
I am feeling so confused.
After many years my DH no
After many years my DH no longer argues with me when I say the adult skid tries to break up our marriage. He still silently disagrees, eventhough skid actually said that outloud to both of us. Your guy doesn't want to admit it, but follow your gut. You are not wrong.
And now that skid needs
And now that skid needs something from me desperately, I have FORCED him to show me respect. (Using up my accidental duplicate.)
Moose, Make a list of
Moose, Make a list of specific things she does when she bullies you on one side of a piece of paper, how you feel a normal person would handle each instance in the middle, and how DH handles it on the other side of the paper. Sometimes just reading what you believe to be true vs. how your DH responds to it can give you clarity. You will know then if you are being gaslighted or not.
If you think she is being a bully you are probably right but you will never be able to convince DH because he sees her in a different light than you do. His mind goes into over-ride so it glazes over rudeness, possessiveness and maliciousness. Instead, to him it is cute or spirited or her overwhelming love for her Father.
If you can disengage from the situation with DH and SD it would so much better for you. Stop discussing SD with DH at all. If he brings her up change the subject. If he invites her to your home, distance yourself emotionally like Sammi does. Leave it up to DH to maintain conversation and entertain. How can DH gaslight you then?
Oh yes he most certainly saw
Oh yes he most certainly saw it, and heard it too. MY dh was not happy either.
So the answer to your question is a big FAT YES.
My dh didn't put up with it either.
((((HUGS)))) I am sorry your dealing with this.
No, my DH will never admit
No, my DH will never admit it. SD57 even put it in writing to me in a 2 page hate email, which I printed out and handed to DH, therefore he knows from the source. Of course I didn't respond to her email or give her the satisfaction of playing her game.
I just told DH; "It had better never happen again. I blocked her and SGD34 from all my social media. You tell your DD to leave me alone and never correspond with me again, or she will be reading a Court ordered restraining and harassment order." I took a copy of the email to my Attorney and believe me, I will slap her with a Court order without a second thought. DH must have took the issue up with SD, because she walks a wide circle around me. I didn't ask if DH discussed it with her, but I know he did.
Just tell your DH you will not be disrespected or mistreated. If he doesn't pass the message on to his DD, you will tell his DD yourself, therefore, it will not be a pleasant moment for either of them. Stand your ground. It works. I thought for sure my DH would never believe me; I made a believer out of them both.
I follow your posts and you are having a rough time right now. Just take it a day at a time and stand up for yourself and take care of yourself.
Take the high road too. Don't let SD drag you down. Stay here with your supporters. We're here for you.
Keep yourself busy with hobbies, friends, and build yourself a life without SD. It gets easier. I have bad times, but they are less frequent and less stressful; in fact they are almost nonexistent, after 8 years.
Thank you Sammi, You are
Thank you Sammi, You are right I am haveing a hard time right now. All of the support from ST is all I really have so thank you all so much.
You are right I need to take it one day at a time. I hope like you it will get easier over time.
I am really seeing now and reading a lot about how sick the dynamics of DH, BM and skids relationships really are. The way that DH and BM raised them was really destructive. They used their children to fulfil their own emtional voids that were not fufilled by their broken marriage. They created sociopaths with narcissistic personality disorder.
I listened to DH tell me tonight how disappointed he is in the way his children turned out. The part that he cannot see is that the way they are is a direct result of him and BM. He feels that is just who they are and he did nothing to create it or can do nothing to change it.
The part that I find so amazing is that he really believes that because this is who they are that they have no accountability for their actions of how they treat people. That everyone should just realize who they are and take how ever they treat people.
We even talked about how my kids have always accepted him and tried to have a relationship with his kids. He said that was my kids choice and that his kids chose not to have anykind of relationship with any of us so, therefore it was fine because they chose not to. So his kids rudeness and meanness to all of us should just be over looked because that is who they are. He also admitted that his kids treat him and everyone else like garbage so again it is just who they are and nobody should expect them to be nice to them. He said Ss also treats his stepdads kids the same.
I just don’t get how someone can think their kids are so special that it gives them a free pass to treat people like trash. I do understand now how they became so narcissistic. Their parents believe and told them their whole lives they were better than everyone else and they believe
It. They leaned at an very early age to minupulate, lie, and use people for their own gain.
I don’t think that DH can face the reality of what he and BM created. It would be to painful.
"The part that I find so
"The part that I find so amazing is that he really believes that because this is who they are that they have no accountability for their actions of how they treat people. That everyone should just realize who they are and take how ever they treat people."
NO ONE needs to settle for poor treatment from others or toxic behavior. Your DH has admitted his children behave poorly. Tell him you agree with this, but you do not agree that you should just have to take it "because that is how they are." Normal healthy adults do not sign up to be abused or bullied. No one else has to take someone's poor behavior because "that is just how they are." You have choices, and you are making them. His precious cherubs are not owed a thing or an ounce of you or your children's time.
"He also admitted that his kids treat him and everyone else like garbage so again it is just who they are and nobody should expect them to be nice to them."
What a ridiculous excuse on your DH's part. "Well, they are mean to everyone, so Moose, don't complain about them being mean to you too." In other words, he doesn't want to be bothered listening to you because you are making him uncomfortable.
Tell him you understand he wants a relationship with his children but he can do it alone since he admits his children are poorly-misbehaved cretins. You will spend your time around positive, supportive people who cherish you.
And then the best you can do is never bring them up. Ever. He knows how they are, he makes excuses for you, being around them and discussing them is a no win situation for you. So don't.
Not that it should make any
Not that it should make any of us feel any better but its the same at our house. My SS22 is regularly a total aSShat. I've thrown at least (and this is an understatement) $50K towards his comfort and education in the last half a dozen years when Disney Daddy was unstable at work or just couldn't budget to save his life.
He's screamed at me, sworn at me, put punched walls when he was a teenager, fill-in-the-blank, he's done it.
DH's excuse is "Well, he's his own man". (REALLY? When he was 15 and he was telling you to F*** yourself in public?) And, "I can't make him do anything". Really? You can stop paying for his car insurance, his cell phone, etc. because after all he's an adult now".
The list goes on and on and on and every time the additions are just as preposterous.
Don't try to understand it. It will make you crazy. I haven't figured it out either. I'm embarrassed on my husband's behalf because he doesn't grasp how much people are laughing him at him that he lets his over-entitled, narcisstic, and aSSholic spawn treat him (yes, treat his father) like doodie as well.
I understand what you are
I understand what you are doing, trying to get your DH to understand your side. However, he does not want to admit that his daughter is outright trying to break up your marriage. Doing so would mean he has to admit that his happiness does not matter to her, and that he failed as parent. He also is not going to see his daughter the way you do; parents want to see the best in their children. I get that.
My DH used to say that OSD said she was happy for him and was happy that he was not alone. I asked him why her actions did not match her words. He had no response to that. He just wanted to believe that she had his best interests in mind and cared about his happiness (that since has fallen apart for her).
I can't say for sure that my OSD was outright trying to break up our marriage. I see two things with her: 1. she is very needy emotionally, and needs to play victim/wounded doe for daddy to rescue her. Her original family not being together, even though she is in her 40's, is a huge problem for her, 2. She also is the mean sorority girl type, bragging about joining a sorority to learn how to manipulate people. I believe people exist to be characters in her cat and mouse game she plays to see if she can get them to do what she wants. She also wanted to make sure that I felt like I had to beg to be admitted into her family and that I knew my place.....way below her.
If it resulted in DH and I getting a divorce, that would just be icing on the cake for her.
If you feel your SD is bullying you and your DH is not agreeing with it, the best thing you can do is stay away from her and never bring her up. When I did that, OSD started to reveal herself, for no other reason than she misses me. She misses having a target, she misses the drama and game playing. Me removing myself from her game frustrated her. When I did that, she then turned to social media to get her snubs in. I blocked her, and now she has nothing. It's so worth it.
You and I really are married
You and I really are married to the same man. We also have the same SD. You are right DH does not want to admit that his happiness does not mean anything to her. He does not want to admit either that he failed as a parent and had anything to with how poorly his children turned out.
Just like you DH said to me tonight that SD said she is happy for him. Just like you I asked the same thing about her actions. He did not have an answer either.
The first point you made is also the same in DH daughter . She always played the wounded doe and wants Daddy to rescue her. Her lastest is telling DH about how disfunctional and all the drama of her husbands family. She wants sympathy from Daddy. She also has a Huge problem with original family not being together. In her Christmas card to DH she said she hopes by next Christmas they can all celebrate it together like they used to.
Your second point is also the same. She is also a mean sorority girl. She went to same school and joined same sorority as BM. She also sees people as her cat and mouse game to play.
Thanks for understanding!
She also has made sure that I know my place is well below her.
I am standing my ground and told DH again tonight that I am done I will not go around her at all. He said well once in a while you can be around her and I said No I am done.
My DH used to say "OSD says
My DH used to say "OSD says she likes you! OSD wants us to be happy!" Yeah, right.
Your SD telling your DH about the dysfunction in her DH's family is just a way to get sympathy from daddy. My OSD, whenever the going gets tough, reverts to her sob story of how her DH works long hours, 6 days a week. This is usually not even relevant to whatever the issue is. And my response now is "if I were her DH I wouldn't want to go home to her either."
Over time my DH did start to say he and BM had failed the children in some ways. But he never admits it when emotions are high. But it really doesn't matter whether they admit it or not. You want the third person out of your marriage, the SD who feels she has the right to be there as Protector of the Original Family, watching what you The Intruder are doing.
Don't argue with your DH about how much time you will spend around his Royal Princess. Just withdraw yourself and never bring her up. Eventually your DH will admit that you being disengaged is a blessing because you are no longer arguing about or discussing his child. I have not seen mine in 2.5 years. We don't discuss her at all, except for how she keeps digging herself a hole trying to get attention. If we have the same type of SD, that's what's down the pike for you. Trust the SM's who tell you to just withdraw, and don't say another word. If DH brings her up, respond with "I support you having a healthy, age appropriate relationship with your children." Come up with a few other generic statements that fit several situations. Leave it at that. He will figure out in time what that means. And when he becomes less defensive, he may admit he understands why you pulled away. My DH recently told OSD she did things to hurt me. She responded "but I am your daughter (as if that was an excuse for bad behavior)" . And God love him, DH finally said back to her "but that's my wife."
The Ostrich seemed genuinely
The Ostrich seemed genuinely surprised when I said that the two of us could have a relationship completely separate from our respective children- as if such a thing had never occurred to him. Now I think that he thought we could have had the Brady bunch, even though our kids have been adults all along. He still thinks he's 30, and his kids are still in kinder- meanwhile, the world has changed around him...
SO will never see it nor
:jawdrop: SO will never see it nor admit it... Yes I'm sure he knows it and he sees it, but he pretends it's not there.... then it's not there
Just like Fairyo, I am in love with an Ostrich
I know Aergia is trying her best, I pretend it I don't see it. I keep quiet. She will manage to a point where I simply retract, SO will ask me what's wrong and I simply smile and say, well you and Aergia have everything planned enjoy it.... then he realize while he was planing his life around her, I planned my own things, and I do not change my mind..... he normally will cancel on her, thinking it will make me happy and I will cancel my plans, I simply do not cancel my plans and go ahead with them, without him. He choose this not me, now he has to live with the consequences.
Perfect example, we where suppose to do something this week-end, Aergia got sniff and suddenly had a crisis in the city, .. bullshit, I knew about this issue 2 weeks ago when we where in the city, they talked about it and this was only suppose to happen end March... Yesterday SO informed me we are going to the city this week-end to deal with this... I kept quiet, This morning when he text me cause he wants to leave, I simply said, well leave, I made plans for this week-end, this is not a crisis, it was planned for end of March, not end of February, but again you simply planned your live without me, and now you expect me to jump? Sorry hon but I have plans already, ones you knew about, enjoy your week-end in the city...
He asked me to wait, he will still come back tonight and we can go tomorrow, I replied with NO, I planned this for tonight cause tomorrow we had other plans.... I'm sticking to my plans, whether you are here or not..
Yes stupid I know, tonight is simply a wine and cheese on a cruise boat, and tomorrow I want to go to the farmers market, SO wants me to change tonight's plans to tomorrow's..I will not simply because he planned his week-end without me, and thought I would jump, now he can spend his week-end alone, I give a shit
Let us know how this pans out
Let us know how this pans out Acrat and enjoy your weekend!
We all seem to be with the same animal After our conversation on Monday when I told him yet again, that I have nothing against his kids, on one level they are perfectly nice people, but there is no room nor purpose for me in their lives and never has been, business resumed as usual the very next day- although I detected a certain mellowing in The Ostrich, it could just be wishful thinking on my part.
Last night I was out at the theatre whilst he was on his usual Thursday night date with OSD- I was very late home but there was no phone call to see where I was and he was in bed when I arrived home.
Tonight I am out too, but it won't be so late.
Tomorrow I plan to challenge him his statement that he had plans to leave (when he also said he didn't make plans) and I wonder what his answer will be.
Yesterday I had lunch with my family and I revealed a few home truths about The Ostrich-they seemed genuinely shocked.
My plan now is to stop covering for him out of a scewed loyalty, and to confront him now and again in a very restrained way, about the remarks that he's made that need qualifying.
Whilst he has his head buried I have turned into a pussy-cat gently nipping at his bottom, he needs to be careful I don't turn into a roaring lion!
SO never returned Friday
}:) }:) SO never returned Friday evening, he was too tired, he said Saturday afternoon, then late after noon SIL text me and ask me why did I not come with SO she just saw him, I knew he would not be back Saturday... not bothered, enjoyed my week-end with my twins
Sunday morning he explained what happened Saturday, I simply ignored him, all his text messages and phone calls..... eff you , once again your brat decided what you should do with your life, Sunday after lunch he text me again, I ignored him and took the twins to the beach...
those little puppies enjoyed playing in the waves, SO rocked up at the beach, which means he went to my house and Deigma told him where to find me...
Never seen a man crawling so much lol.... when the twins decided they had enough, I simply said, was nice of you joining me, see you tomorrow and I left.. eff him...he can figure it out, I only went back cause he agreed to ground rules and he's not sticking with it. My rules for relationship, respect communication friendship and trust.... I see nothing from his side, he slipped after 4 months being back together. I will let him sweat for a while
I returned from a lovely
I returned from a lovely lunch and walk with my BS to an empty house- so I relaxed for a couple of hours before he turned up- I said what a lovely time I'd had and he moaned that his day had been hard work. I didn't ask what he's done-I think he'd been doing meaningless repairs on a boat that doesn't work. But he made dinner. I had a soak in the bath. I told it it was lovely food. We watched tv and went to bed- and so it continues- he's at work and I'm off out to meet some friends...I'm living my life because it is the only one I've got and the only one I'll ever have.
We never made any ground rules- he just can't hack the fact that I'm right. Sounds like SO is the same!
If she's so happy for him,
If she's so happy for him, why does he feel he can't talk to you on the phone in her presence? Why does she not accept you, but instead, bullies you?
She also has a Huge problem with original family not being together. In her Christmas card to DH she said she hopes by next Christmas they can all celebrate it together like they used to.
What in the hell does that mean?
She is only concerned about herself and HER happiness.
The part that I find so amazing is that he really believes that because this is who they are that they have no accountability for their actions of how they treat people.
Haha, oh Lord, what a cop out! Even sociopaths and narcissists can rein in their dominant personality traits, IF they WANT to.
They are jerks because they want to be jerks.
Oh lawd NO! Of course SD is
Oh lawd NO! Of course SD is not trying to break up our marriage!
It is more like I am mean, nasty and vengeful towards his uncouth, reprehensible, odious, pink haired princess!
In his defence, he is a man incapable of clearly seeing his own parental failures and repugnant nature of the creature he gave life too. This is his golden child.
Moose: The next step for you
Moose: The next step for you is Acratopotes' post here! I took this exact action and still go forward with my own life.
When you begin doing this, I truly believe you will see a complete turn around. It takes stages and patience, sometimes years to put this in your end of the playing field. It has taken 4 years for me to get to the final point, after beginning my disengagement 8 years ago.
When you begin, you will feel like a million. I now have DH's full attention and find it is a way of life with me these days. You start out feeling lonely and left out of DH's social life with his family (peace!). Then you find yourself hesitant to go out without permission (not!). It gets easier and finally you find yourself not caring and moving forward without thought. I do not change my plans, unless it's an emergency.
My DH first, and still attempts, to give me guilt for moving forward. He would leave me home alone and make plans purposely with SD57 and family, even on holidays I just would bite the bullet and find something to do, even if it was to stay home and watch a movie with my fur babies; but I NEVER let him know I was lonely, mad, and hurt. Now I'm over it all. No matter what he does (never now), I DON'T CARE!
Disengaging is not fun and it is not fair that we are pushed to this point in our marriage. I tell myself "I did not create these stepkids, I did not neglect my marriage, DH did; now DH is suffering the consequences and plays the "poor me" game. I ignore him. The bottom line is "I am mad", and I won't get over it. I have peace, hobbies, friends, and love life again, all without the step scene.
Read, and re-read Acratopotes' post. This is total disengagement. It is not easy, but then anything worth working for in life was not met to be easy. Bottom line: Take care of yourself and let the ugly go and move forward for you. I will never stop standing my ground and putting myself first in "step life".
((((hugs))))
This is so right! Because I
This is so right! Because I was out Thursday and Friday night I felt guilty when someone asked me out today as well. I had already made arrangements for Sunday and asked The Ostrich if he would like to come too.
No, he said he would be seeing MSD and SS on Sunday. So, I am going alone. Today I went out and said I was just 'popping out' and I was out for six hours! When I returned he had gone out too. He came back in a mood but somehow has been sweetness itself all evening. I am out with friends and people I know in the community, getting exercise and having fun- he is spending time with his offspring. I will keep doing what I am doing...
Your DH;s time with his
Your DH;s time with his offspring will change with time and get old; your time with friends and other people will only grow and become more fun.
Good for you! Hang in there!
(((hugs))))
Thank you again Sammi, Your
Thank you again Sammi, Your are correct I need to do as Acratopotes. I need to stop doing the chasing. You are correct total disengagement is difficult but will be worth it. I am standing up for myself more than I ever have. Thanks to all of everyone on ST's support.
I am taking slow but steady steps. I know I will have backward steps sometimes also but for the most part I am moving forward. I never want or will go back to the way if felt when they walked all over me and I just took it. DH allows them to walk all over him and that is his chose.
I know also that I will not ever get over it. I will never have the respect for DH that I wish I had. I can see him now for who he really is. He never demanded respect from his spawn for himself let alone anyone else. I cannot change that. I can only change myself.
I had gotten to the point before I came here that, I questioned my own sanity. I can now see that I am not the sick one. They are DH and his spawn. I can see the forest for the trees.
It will continue on for the next generation with them also. SD put a video of her spawn on the internet and her husband says at the end of the video that their "baby will be famous"
I really can see how sick they all are. I will keep reading about narcissistic personality disorder because I really do believe it is what is going on. I will keep coming to ST for support. I will keep taking steps forward.
Thank you
No, he will never admit,
No, he will never admit, because if he does, he would have to step up to the daddeee plate and act like one.
Make no mistake, that is exactly the goal. Moreover, the goal is to prove YOU are responsible for the marital break up; (yes, their ultimate goal is to be the victim). Any interaction of any kind with YOU, is only another opportunity to set you up again as the evil one, not worthy of your own marriage...It is such a little childish game. Your life will be much happier without this level of stress. Let your DH live in his fantasy world. If they treat his wife like this, it only means they have zero respect for him too. If he never figures this out on his own, let them keep using him, not you. You protect you at all cost.
OP: The "respect" aspect of
OP: The "respect" aspect of CANYOUHELP's post nails it. If a person doesn't have respect for the one "they claim to love" (dad), by treating SM disrespectful, only shows disrespect for Dad.
These people are oblivious to respect, manners, and the social aspect of society; therefore you are wasting your time fighting stupidity.
Ugh.....
(((hugs)))
"He says that she had way
"He says that she had way more important things in her life to do than break us up."
Nope. I'd say that breaking up your marriage would be right at the top of her list. If she breaks up daddee's marriage to his second wife then his estate will be all hers. His current resources all hers, his time, attention and affection all hers just like it was before you came into the picture.
"Is it the goal of most of these skids to break up our marriages?"
Yes. They want their bio parents to be together and focus solely on them. How dare daddee find happiness with some stranger who does not play doormat and ATM to her.
"If they are concerned about their fathers happiness..."
They're not. To a self centered overly helicoptered permissively parented child their only concern is for themselves and what others can do for them. If daddee's happiness is not 100% laser beam directed on her then she doesn't want it. I remember when my toddler daughter went through the Oedipus phase of favoring her father and was jealous if I gave him any affection. Sounds like some kids never move past this.
wouldn’t they treat their spouse with respect?"
No. If the parent has never expected respect for themselves or anyone else why would they start now? She's likely hoping that you are a temporary bed warmer for her father that she will be able to run off. In her mind you're coming between her and her father so why would she give you respect?
Still learning everything you
Still learning everything you say totally hits the nail right on the head. I really feel that I am not wrong like DH says about her trying to break up our marriage. I agree with you that it is the goal of most of these skids.
Your are exactly right what you say about why she wants to break it up.
You are also spot on about DH being an overly helicopter parent and the results.
I also agree that because DH has never expected respect for himself from them that they will never start now. I think that they feel that DH's happiness and total reason for living was always dependent on them, and revolved around them. He admits that it did when he was married to their mother. He and BM just stayed together for the kids.
Both of them want DH's life still to be totally dependent on them. They only want him to get any emotional support or affection from them just like he did when he was married to their mother.
sick, sick, sick, sick, sick, They have no interest at all in their fathers happiness just their own. DH also likes them still being dependent on him also.
"DH also likes them still
"DH also likes them still being dependent on him also." Moose, that may change as time goes by, and you are no longer in the equation. The skids will still require a scapegoat for their disappointments and frustrations over the 'happy' family dissolving. With you out of the picture it will eventually be either be DH or BM. If DH remains in the marriage that they were trying to break up, he will probably take your place. The skids see it as betrayal.
My SD no longer communicates with DH. But it has backfired for her because DH no longer tries so hard. I truly believe DHs who want their children to be dependent on them have a touch of narcissism themselves so they don't put up with the B.S. as long as SMs who are willing to sacrifice their dignity for the sake of their husband and the skids.
Yep to all of this. When I
Yep to all of this.
When I disengaged, my DH took my place as the one who got punished. When I was still in the picture, OSD constantly buttered DH up about how wonderful he was. That way he would view her as the good daughter, and me as the demanding wife. Now that I removed myself, she doesn't give him the time of day. She doesn't return phone calls or text messages.
What changed? I removed myself from OSD's targeting and wrath, and DH chose to stay married to to me. She can't stand that , and it is betrayal in her mind. Daddy chose SM and not her, when it was never a competition to begin with....she was not eligible for role of wife.
"If DH remains in the
"If DH remains in the marriage that they were trying to break up, he will probably take your place. The skids see it as betrayal."
This is where DH is at, skids have disengaged from him since I removed myself as a target. ss26 is always too busy to see DH but apparently ss posts photos on FB of him and BM's family doing things and ss32 just doesn't respond to DH's calls or texts anymore. DH has to rely on other people to get any updates on ss32. DH gets to chase his kids and then be punished by their non responsiveness. Why? Because he dared move on from his divorce and choose a partner to be happy with.
If DH would have dumped me, moved them all back in and supported them their relationship would have been fine.