You are here

Do I Have a Right....

michigan_step-monster's picture

Hello, I'm new to the forum. I've been dating my boyfriend for almost a year now. I'm 48, and felt I had finally met my MATCH, my soulmate, even. I've never had such strong feelings for anyone before, or such common thoughts and attitudes.

THEN, I met his children. He has four kids, 17, 20, 23 and 26. I have absolutely no problem with the youngest and the oldest. The two middle children are a huge problem. And it's probably not even fair to say that THEY are the problem. It's the way they are "coddled" and spoiled - I've never seen anything like it before in my life! It is making me question any kind of future I might possibly have with my dream man. I'm so afraid that they will NEVER grow up and leave the nest, and that I/we will be stuck with them forever.

They are two of the most immature people I've ever seen. The 20 year old son lives with his mom, doesn't drive yet (his mom actually drops him off at college every day). When he is at his dad's, all he does is play Xbox and watch videos all day. He has a sort of unnerving interest in guns that his dad kind of promotes, as it is their only common interest. My relationship with him is okay, we talk about music and movies, and he is respectful most times.

The 23 year old daughter has just graduated with an RN degree, which her dad paid for, including her rent in an expensive college-town, the lease ending at the end of September. He gave her a car that is newer/better than mine and she has already basically asked him if she could move in with him at the end of September when her lease is up if she doesn't find a job by then. The problem with that is, SHE HASN'T EVEN BEEN LOOKING! For that matter, she needs to take her nursing accreditation tests and keeps putting them off. My relationship with her is not good. She won't speak to me unless I speak directly to her, and she is the most ungrateful girl I've ever seen.

I have such resentment as I have worked HARD for everything I've ever had in life, and feel I am the better for it. I was taught to treat all with respect, and that hard work is the best tool. These kids are handed everything on a silver platter, and are very "behind" in social situations. They are afraid to do simple things on their own, such as filling out job applications and talking to people.

My question is, do I have a "right" to talk to my b/f (who has discussed us having a future together), or is it really none of my business how he raises his kids. And if I don't have the right, how can I watch these behaviors and not go absolutely bonkers! Does anyone have any exercises that would help me calm my blood pressure as he is doling out money to these useless kids, who show up every other weekend wanting to "work" for money (doing lawn work, vacuuming, etc), and then do a crappy job, or not finish it at all?

I'm so frustrated, and afraid I'm going to lose this wonderful man as the resentment and jealousy I am consumed with is soooo overpowering. Please help?

michigan_step-monster's picture

I tend to think it is "guilty parenting". Both of these kids have Crohn's disease and know how to use this to their advantage. They are perfectly FINE when it comes to some activity they really want to do, but when it comes to house or yard work, or even job-hunting, they are sick.

Also, they were "home-schooled" by their extremely over-protective mother, which is why I believe they are so anti-social. He pursued the divorce, and feels guilty as they use this fact against him most of the time.

CalgonTakeMeAway's picture

Both of my skids are home-schooled by a controlling, probable BPD BM. SD19 is totally unprepared for life. She just got her first job at 18...VERY part time, and she quit that to be a camp counselor for the summer. After that, she has no plans. I think she is afraid of the world. I've only been married to DH for a year, and I really love him, but I am not happy with all the skid issues. You have to consider the "emotional age" of the kids...that will matter when they are trying to function in the world. Think long and hard before you marry this man...even being in love will not make all the frustration and anger go away and if you get married, you will have more responsibility regarding them but NO authority.

Walker's picture

Hi Michigan Step
I am in the same situation as you......i am new here and know i should get out of relationship. BF DD is so manipulative and he does not see it...whenever she says daaaadddy he pulls out wallet....he actually cannot afford to do all she asks and i continuously watch him go without things that he getting his truck repaired things ever change

winehead's picture

Of course you have a right. If you have a question about what your BF is or is not doing, you should ask it. My question would be about responsibility and expectations. If the SD moves in after graduation, what does that look like? Is she paying rent? Is she staying for a month or a year or forever? Are there expectations that she pass her licensing exams and find a job, and if she doesn't what then? Is he providing free housing, meals and cash as he did when she was a child? If so, he is HURTING HER ability to become a functioning, contributing, responsible adult and he's in for a lifetime of taking care of her. And you will be in the way.

The XBox etc behavior sounds pretty typical for a 20 yr old, but that doesn't mean it should be tolerated indefinitely. Again, expectations AND consequences should be clear between DH and him. My DH was always bad with the consequences part. Excuse after excuse always seemed to be ok and "next time" would be better. Right. Don't even go there.

Bet your BF hasn't even THOUGHT about this stuff. Jumps to the automatic daddy "yes."

Shannon61's picture

You have every right to speak up and I suggest you start doing it now to minimize conflict later. The biggest issue appears to be the 23 year old. There's no reason she shouldn't complete her accredation for nursing, and get a job. There's a nursing shortage so she's in demand. If at all possible he should not allow her to move in. And if he does, he should establish a timeline for her to get a job and her own place. And he needs to stick to it. Have a discussion w/him regarding her and the coddling as well. So you won't end up like me.

After we got married, I moved in w/DH and SD. SD was in school for her masters. The plan was she'd finish school, find a job and get her own place. After she got her degree, she pretended to look for work for a year. She recently secured a job and is reluctantly moving out in 2 weeks. She's been here over 3 years and caused me hell. She was mean spirited, vindictive, manipulative, annoying, lazy and likes to play head games. DH didn't want to give her a move out date, so I did everything in my power to show her that I wanted her out. As StepAside said, SD also felt she waas in competiton w/me. At this point, we don't really have a relationship and only speak to be civil. And for the record, SD will turn 28 in a few months.

Speak up now so you don't have to deal w/this type of foolishness later. Marriage is difficult enough as it is. My SD was a bone of contention long before we got married. We originally wanted to get her own place where we would pay the rent (because I didn't want her living w/us). But she pitched a hissy fit and her feelings were hurt, because she felt "she didn't have a say in this." So I moved in w/them against my better judgement. SD almost destroyed our marriage. What ever you do, don't live them under any circumstance.

CalgonTakeMeAway's picture

I just don't get kids today...if somebody had offered me my own place and they would pay the rent at that age, I would have jumped at it! Kids today have NO desire to move out and be independent.

witsend71's picture

I totally feel for you...I wish there was a magic potion to cure years of bad parenting by your BF and BM but there isn't. Of course who is to judge what bad parenting is? It all depends on the culture, amount of money available, etc. There are so many ways to get it wrong. My partner's dad is much more present and supportive than my dad was. I realize there's some jealously there. I have so much resentment, sometimes I don't know what to do with it all. The kids just expect more and more and more with no courtesy whatsoever. ARRGGHHHH!

edwina7's picture

OMG...I feel for you sister! I have the same sort of situation (married 10 years now- I have no children of my own)but with only two grown Adult Children of an alcoholic Mother.
His 38 year old daughter is a narcissist and his son is an alcoholic! I love this man dearly, but I hate to tell you that it
does get worse! We went into counseling about his son's addiction 5 years ago, and to several Al-Anon meetings and that helped tremendously with dealing his son, but the daughter is HORRIBLE. I hate to say it, but if I could do over I would marry a man who does not have children because you are asking for major stress esp at holidays when they bring little or nothing to the table. Very spoiled, entitled and Dad has a very strained relationship with son. Daughter has been trying to drive a wedge between my husband and me every chance she gets!
When she last visited with her new boyfriend I blasted her at the end of the trip since she treated me like domestic help and never thanked me for anything I did like cook delicious home made meals etc. And the crazy thing is that he got furious with me!
She is so selfish and makes over 100k a year, but never opens her wallet to chip in. It is disgusting to watch how she plays her father for
presents esp around her birthday! He drops everything to pick her up and take her to the airport which is an hour drive each way when she could just get on a bus like we do when we need transportation.
Family members tell her how perfect and smart she is, but she is a text book narcssist and it's no wonder how she got that way. Yuk!
Blood is thicker that water...

Boudicca's picture

You can talk to your BF but it is highly likely it will fall on deaf ears. I am afraid this is probably a taste of things to come. Situations like this rarely change.:(