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DH invited skid for dinner, really?

grace8205's picture

Tomorrow night my mother-in-law is coming for dinner, DH offered us to take her out but I said we should have her over to the house for dinner because she would like that better.

Skid 21 is going through a break up with his GF18 who he lives with. I have been waiting for DH to even ask if he can stay here, which he hasn’t because he can’t. I guess skid is staying with BM this weekend., but I know BM and her husband do not want him to move in to their house. Thank goodness he is there for now, who knows what his plan is after that but it does not include my house.

DH tonight informs me that he invited skid for dinner to our house Saturday night.
I have told DH time and time again, I am not hosting dinners or parties and inviting people who treat my like shit and who owe me a big apology over to our house and keep turning the other cheek. So I can’t believe the nerve that he invites him knowing this. Then tries to guilt trip me by saying “I think my Mom would like to visit with her grandson for an hour”. Well if skid’s grandmother is so important to him why hasn’t he called her or stopped in to visit her?

I texted my sister, she likes to play devils advocate and sometimes she is a good sounding board. She said to let it happen but warn DH if skid is rude, standoffish, or is ignoring you call him on it right in front of everyone. She reminded me that skid will than more than likely NOT apologize and I know she is right since it is almost a year since the big blow out. Part me would like to do that, but I do not want an awkward situation with my mother-in –law over for dinner. She has no idea what kind of person her grandson is and I don’t want to put her in an awkward situation, DH never tells her anything partly because he doesn’t want her to worry and mostly because it would be embarrassing. So I don’t see that as an option, and besides it would just leaving me feel resentful.

I wish it was different with skid, lord knows I have tried but I gave up for my own sanity, but I don’t think I should take the abuse and I have learned in my marriage the only one that is going to stand up for me and protect me in this situation is ME.

Just another example of DH thinking it’s easier to ask for forgiveness after then it is to ask permission (have a conversation about it) and I am just suppose to turn the other cheek and since DH invited him suck it up? I don’t think so.

I am over reacting? Should I just get over it? I don’t think I am however I would like others opinions since sometimes when one is directly involved it is hard to see it objectively.

grace8205's picture

Part of me feels like just saying just that "The food you need to make is all in the fridge." and just leave for the nigh. But the other part of me is like F this, I don't have to go anywhere this is my house and DH should just let skid know he can't come because he is constantly rude and has never apologized to me.

But DH is not in control over his own balls, his 20 yo son is.

Jlb2015's picture

I have the same problem with my SD and DH she's 23 and living in our finished basement with her own kitchen and still has to come up and cook and not clean. U finally got up the nerve last night to tell DH that either she has 3 months to get out or I have 3 months and I'm sticking to it.

sandye21's picture

"I am over reacting?" No. Is there anyone your DH can not stand and has treated him like dog doo? If so, invite them to the dinner. "Should I just get over it?" Sorry for answering with another question, but does "get over it" mean go back to being a doormat? I would tell DH to inform SS that if he is rude or treats you like you are invisible you will calmly ask him to leave, and if he doesn't you will have him escorted out by the police. It's up to your DH to take full responsibility to make the visit pleasant, not you. Don't allow your DH to throw you under the bus!

grace8205's picture

I didn't think I was, but I just wanted someone else to check the old bitch meter since I really do not like skid and have really nothing nice to say about him.
DH and I have discussed this, and I have put up with a lot from his kid, I told him that without changes from skid, an sincere apology and respect I cannot continue any type of relationship with him because then I have just taught him thats its ok to treat me like shit and he will keep on doing it.

"You teach people how to treat you." - Dr. Phil

sandye21's picture

I know how you feel. I have told this story a million times but SD treated me like dirt under her feet for 20+ years. It is hard to believe anyone would hang on for 20 years to the hope that if I was nice SD would eventually like me. But I did. DH was constantly using the same B.S. that your DH is, trying to manipulate me with the guilt card.

5 years ago I just got tired of all of the abuse and called on SD and her husband for having those little mumbled sideline conversations while I was in the same room with them. SD had a major meltdown, accused me of making her uncomfortable in MY house. At first DH said, "I'm going to call them and find out what YOU did." I asked him to specifically tell me if he had seen me do anything to make them uncomfortable. He got a 'deer in the headlights' look on his face and could not come up with one thing. I then informed him that SD and her husband were not allowed in my house until he could tell her in front of me that she was to respect me as his wife. He has never done this so SD will stay away until he does. If he were to tell me tomorrow that he was inviting SD over because one of his family members was visiting I would tell him to take them all out to dinner instead of leaving my home to accommodate them. Your DH suggested this. Maybe it would be better.

grace8205's picture

Skid owes me an apology definitely, but most of the blame for everything goes to DH, I totally see that. All night he dares to give me the silent treatment , well f him. I went to bed and locked the door to the master bedroom behind me which he does not have a key to. The lock on the door was but there to keep skid out of our bedroom when we are not home during the time he lived here, I am glad I didn't get rid of it.

I am mad that he went against me and invited skid to dinner but I am beyond mad that I am getting the total spent treatment for him disrespecting me.

Disneyfan's picture

What's the point of locking him out of the room (I can't believe men allow that to go down-if someone did that tomme, I'd take the door off the hinges)when you're still going to what do what he wants?

Hosting that meal will just show your husband that your words are nothing than background noise.

notasm3's picture

Voice of experience here.

DH asked if SS30 and his GF could come for the Christmas dinner I was planning for DH's family in mid December. Yes he did ask - but I'm virtually certain that he had already mentioned it to SS.

DH was taken aback when I just said "No". He tried to say that SS is doing better, but I refused to discuss SS. I just said that DH and I were getting along so well w/o SS. I did not say one word against SS (already done that enough in the past).

DH pouted for a couple of days. He was distant for maybe a week. But was soon back to his loving, affectionate self and thanked me about a thousand times for the lovely dinner with his family. He even complimented me many times that day in front of them.

I do not remember what your blow up was about with your SS. But he's an adult. If he's really not a good person no apology will change that. If it was perhaps a one time bad decision a SINCERE apology could help. But from the sounds of it nothing has really changed nor would a mumbled "sorry" change anything either.

It's okay to just say no when someone asks you to do something that is totally offensive. I can't tell you what to do, but if my DH had insisted on invited my SS I probably would have explained to my ILs why I could not be there. I know you do not want to involve your MIL, but sometimes it does more harm to hide unpleasant things.

I would not go into any tirade about how hideous her GS is, but would probably say something like "GS has taken actions which I cannot accept, so I cannot be in his presence." Not with anger or rage - but just a calm statement of fact.

still learning's picture

I would cancel dinner at your home. Tell DH that you have a headache and need to eat out. Have dinner with everyone in a public space. Don't cook for ss or host him in your home.

grace8205's picture

That is what DH suggested. Which was find by me because I was not about to host and cater to skid while being snubbed by him in my own home. I told DH the only person that is going to stand up for me is me, because so far he hasn't and it this means I chose who is it my home and who I host for dinner and/or social gatherings so be it.

He ended up texting his son not sure what he said (don't really care), but we had a nice dinner with my MIL last night in our home.

I am sure this is not the last time this situation will arise, I am scheduled to host Christmas 2016 but I will have to deal with that way down the road.

sammigirl's picture

Good for you. I did the same speech; it will not be the last time, just as for me. The next time just say "No, we have discussed this before and I do not want to discuss it." No further discussion, just change the subject or silently continue with what you were doing at the time. I did this and I found that never mentioning my SD in ANY conversation has stopped a lot of the issues.

My DH would "slightly" mention SD, trying to feel my mood out, to see if I had mellowed; not a chance; I just said nothing, complete silence, and changed the subject. So far it is getting less and less often, but I know the issue will always be in our presence; I'm getting along well without the disrespect from DH and SD. It's DH's game, I don't want to play; therefore, I took my ball and went home. No problem.

This doesn't mean that I won't have to tolerate her in the future for whatever reason.

sammigirl's picture

Good for you. I did the same speech; it will not be the last time, just as for me. The next time just say "No, we have discussed this before and I do not want to discuss it." No further discussion, just change the subject or silently continue with what you were doing at the time. I did this and I found that never mentioning my SD in ANY conversation has stopped a lot of the issues.

My DH would "slightly" mention SD, trying to feel my mood out, to see if I had mellowed; not a chance; I just said nothing, complete silence, and changed the subject. So far it is getting less and less often, but I know the issue will always be in our presence; I'm getting along well without the disrespect from DH and SD. It's DH's game, I don't want to play; therefore, I took my ball and went home. No problem.

This doesn't mean that I won't have to tolerate her in the future for whatever reason.

hatesteplife's picture

I would tell him that I guess his idea of taking his mom out for dinner initially was a good one because I refuse to host his crappy kid. Boo hoo on his breakup.

LikeMinded's picture

I agree, in fact, why doesn't DH take MIL and SS out to dinner without you.

I find that giving DH the gift of missing you is always a good idea.

I read a Dolly Parton interview where she admitted that whenever her DH treated her less than woderfully, she'd pack her bags and leave to go visit a friend, relative, etc. She'd say in a sing-song voice "see you later honey". When she'd come back a week later, he was sweet as pie... }:)

sammigirl's picture

SAY NO! You can be civil and in a low tone tell you DH that SS is not welcome in your home nor at your dinner table. Tell your DH is welcome to take all of you out to dinner; this is what I do.

I am at this point now with my SD55 (30+ years of her disrespect). For the past 6 years it has come to "not welcome". I have separated the issue of DH spending time with SD and me being hostess to SD; the time DH spends with her gives me a break at home.

Like Sandye21's post, I've told my story many times here. I have stood my ground for the past 2 years on being hostess to my grown skids. My DH is to blame more than the kids; he has been told this; he nor my SD55 will ever apologize; it wouldn't make any difference at this point; I will never go back to the disrespect from DH or his grown kids. They all know it and the only person that won't let it go is my SD55. SD is wasting her time and energy; I make no amends for my feelings nor my boundaries.

DH and I are doing very well, until he tries to put a guilt trip on me about this issue; then he is on his own and he knows it; thus he gets over it after a few days. Stand your ground!

grace8205's picture

My ground was stood! I agree it is more my DH's fault when it comes to skid, if he didn't raise him to be an entitled brat and call him on his shit, it would be a lot different.
DH is slowly getting better about things with his kid but sometimes back slides especially when skid is playing up the "poor me my gf dumped me". At least we managed to have a conversation about skid NOT coming to stay here while he looks for a new place to live, before he would have told his kid he could but he knows better now.

I wish you had better news Sammigirl that things would improve with time, but you have been going through for 30+ years with no end in sight.

SugarSpice's picture

my dh thinks the skids are welcome anytime and anywhere. just because he wants them to be around 4/7 does not mean i want them. if ss has disrespected you in any way you don't owe him the time of day.