Christmas in August?
Pardon me if I vent a minute. My Sleuthing vice has been acting up and new intell is just in. While I am torn between wanting to not know anything about what is going on, I feel the need to find out some things on my own at my own pace. It is less emotional to read about something in a text than to talk about it with DH at an unexpected time. While it is hurtful to know the SD's still throw disrespectful digs at me to my DH behind my back, it is helpful to know so I don't let my guard down as the 'war' is still new to me and Christmas is coming. It is hurtful that DH does not put a total stop to their digs. But good to know in a way so I know where I stand with him.
For the Christmas thing.....I am dumbfounded. Again.
Tell me... Would you ever tell your parent what to give your children or you for Christmas? Besides the normal suggestions if they ask. Or in this case rather actually demand in August that your Dad start giving savings bonds or money for your children?
And in my case YSD throws in the dig against me by saying "if it is not what SM wants to do for her GD then who cares. That is what YSD wants for her son. Plus just give her gift cards because last year she returned all the things we picked out for her and then she spent the money on GS. After just saying he has so many toys and clothes that she just wants money for him now!
And of course this is when she never gives a gift to DH or heaven forbid me or us. Yet will tell DH on Christmas day as she is driving here that she did not get any presents for anyone. That she just spent all her money on GS. And that even though the baby is sick an she tried to use that as an excuse not to bring him over, when told that is fine we will get together another day. Then she brings him anyway. I guess the possible gift of a life threatening illness to her immune system suppressed Dad is enough of a gift to last a lifetime. Thankfully he did not get sick that time.
She beat her all time record of putting in her Christmas order by a whole month this year.
I can't believe I even bothered last year to help pick out things for her I thought she would like and also for the baby.
I am so done with all of them forever.
I have never met such entitled narcissist brats in my life.
How do I deal with these people?
YSD is already asking DH to babysit on New Years Day. Demanding he give an answer soon because her work is mad she has to take off Christmas eve because her mom works. Guilt trip daddy? He has not talked to me about that one yet. I will freak on him likely. Five months away! Really! And what if the baby is sick then? I know she would not tell DH and would have him risk being exposed to something just so she can work. All about the money. When is it ever the grandparents problem to provide child care while she works.
This same YSD asked him to babysit on Black Friday a few weeks ago. When he said he had to work she had the nerve to say 'can't you take off?". What the F?
He works nonstop on his job. On his days off even.
He went Saturday night to let her dog in because she pestered him. It is an hour round trip out of the way! If you have a pet to care for how about trade off with a neighbor for petes sake!
And GS is walking now. Yeah. Poor kid it is a wonder he even got this far with her as his mother. The video she sent has GS walking across the room with BM grandparent, the ex in the video. Lovely. DH probably won't show that one to me.
I am just so sick of them. DH and I can not even discuss them without an argument. I hate to see them use him.
But really, am I wrong to think they should be different? Or wishing it could have not come to where it is?
Sorry this is a long vent. I am just having trouble knowing this is never going to be better with them.
My Spanish soap opera is not over yet.
Bear with me until I can change the channel.
- Log in to post comments
Im with you Lost, my SD used
Im with you Lost, my SD used to give us detailed lists about what to get her kids for birthdays and Christmas. I've never seen anything like it. She would email both DH and myself and then in return would not even acknowledge my birthday or my BS which would fall right after her kids. What nerve - Don't know about you, but I've been putting up with this for 10 years and it has not gotten any better, if anything, only worse. I'm pretty much done with them all.
Love that idea Newwife3....If
Love that idea Newwife3....If I were still the one who would be doing the gifts for them this year I would do that. Last year I was already fed up with her demands from every year before. October...Ug boots Daddy....September the next year...this certain car toy thing for GS even though he wouldn't be big enough to use it for another year practically.
So last year I told DH he was to handle the gifts for his kids and I would do for mine. Including the wrapping. I however allowed my soft side to suck me into picking out a few things for YSD when I was out shopping. DH was appreciative...the bitch apparently wasn't. He did have to wrap things himself. At the last minute of course. I also helped pick things for his GS and GD along with my GD. They were all the same ages so we picked the same toys for all and a few clothes outfits. I of course did the wrapping for the GC.
Well this year I will control myself and do nothing for them or their spawn.
Foxie...I like your idea too. And since his daughters are not allowed here at all then that would be a perfect day. But of course I am already so sure they will ruin it by texting and calling him to guilt him about not being allowed in our home because of their behaviour towards me. They will want to see him that day but will not set up a definite time. It will depend on when they are done at BM's house. The YSD had the nerve to text DH when all this mess started in her whiny text way...."what about the holidays daddy? Are you going to come over to BM's to see us? Translate that to 'come over to give us our presents or cash really"!
How about YSD invite him to her house to see him for the holidays? Oh wait...maybe that will happen if she needs a 9-10 hr babysitter while she works.
If I did not have an old sickly doggie I would plan a trip away overnight on Christmas Day.
My son and DIL have spent the past two Christmases with us, coming on Christmas EVE the first year and going to church with us even. We have a relaxing time with them. Maybe they will come this year too. At least I will have some of my family here.
At the very least maybe I will just block the calls and text from the lot of them for the day so we can have some peace. I wish. But then they would not be able to call DH and wish only him a merry Christmas and deliver their guilt gift to him.
FaithL....I don't blame you for being done. I am so done. I tried the first 4 years of our marriage. But it will not work. I used to love Christmas and the holidays. Now I dread it because of them.
This year will be better because they will not be coming here...at their whim. It was so pathetic how DH would not even try to pin them down on when they would visit. I said just invite them for the afternoon or invite them for a meal in the evening. Put it back on them to accept that time or not. Why should we wait around all day not knowing what time they would come over for the hour to collect their presents. While the MSD or YSD would never bring even a gift for their dad. The OSD always gave a set amount on a gift card...supposedly to the both of us. I suppose this year it will be cut in half because of the 'war'.
Yet the OSD would always have the specific list of what she wants and what to buy her husband. She did at least send a thank you by text thru DH to me for the clothes I helped him pick out for her. Yet she couldn't contact me directly. And since she is the one 'who never liked me' then I guess she was just going thru the motions.
I must find a way to find the joy again in the season. The less I have to do with the SD's the more likely for that to happen.
I do wish I could just go away and skip the drama that will be here. But unless I find a place with no phone or internet then it will just follow us there unless I drop DH's phone in a toliet when we get there!
Wonderful idea RisingAboveIt!
Wonderful idea RisingAboveIt! But you are right...it would take BH's agreement. When I met him he had the 'divorced daddy tradition' of either taking his D's shopping for clothes for about $300-400 each. Or they would buy something...give it to him to wrap and reimburse them for and then make a big show of opening it at the BM's on Christmas eve when he would go there to visit with them...years after they were divorced. Yet he lived right down the road from BM. Why couldn't they come see him at his place? Or he would also take them out to eat and pay for that too. I think he only did the shopping with thing a few times...then it was the wrap it after they knew what it was already thing. I told him when I heard about that , that was the most ridiculous thing I ever heard of. And really it was all for show so they could rival with the other sisters about what they got.
Well after we got married...we started cutting back the yearly amount of the entitlement. And he started talking to them about hey...you are all adults...not kids, when you are able you should give gifts as well as expect to recieve them. Even if you just bake a plate of cookies...Well like I said the OSD always gave a gift of something, even if a gift card to the hardware store, like when we were building our house. But the YSD and MSD forget it. One year out of five the YSD gave us two bottles of wine and a little metal wine container. I think that was the year DH was on her telling her she needed to give as well as receive. And that was the year we also had her new husband and her SS to buy gifts for. That I of course did all the shopping and wrapping and planning for.
I like your phrase. "limit your own involvement in the Circus of Entitlement!"
Perhaps I can find an alternate plan for the day and DH can join me or choose to wait around for them to call him. And really, not much is open on Christmas Day, so it will be hard for them to find a place to meet up for the present 'exchange'. He darn well better not even think he would go to the BM's. Perhaps the YSD will open her home to her sisters and father.
Thank you for the luck.
Good idea about the donation
Good idea about the donation to the SPCA in YSD's name. Don't get me started about how irresponsible a pet owner she is.
She is relentless. Today's text to DH was ' are you stopping Their Birthday gifts next time around? Or is he giving $50?". Her Birthday is not until January!
Her sister'sis in October. He was planning on actually stopping after that one. But OSD is the one who sends him a card and $40 check. So basically the OSD and DH just keep swapping money. No real effort put into it. This year for my birthday which she claims she did not know it was that day, she posted on DH's facebook wall a statement wondering why I defriended her for no reason. I did that several months before when the MSD started the war . She claims she hadn't noticed. She proceeded to tell DH on his public wall that she never really liked me, etc.
DH hasn't talked to me about it all yet. Fine with me.
The good news is I am starting back to college this fall. And today I found out I got a temp part time job that I really wanted.
Thankfully that should be enough to keep me busy for the next few months!
Thanks for all the good advice and comments here.
Maybe it will help to vent it all out before the holidays arrive. Hope so.
StepAside...thank you for
StepAside...thank you for your comment. I am hoping to actually enjoy this years holidays. I will make my plan and stick to it. Regardless of what the crazy entitled bitches do. Yes, it is lonely to be the target. So this year I plan to surround myself with my children and grandchild as much as possible during that time. Hey, and maybe there will be some events at college to enjoy too! P.S. Hope your weekend is going well with your DH's family visit.
Update: On 8/14 I posted about YSD....."She is relentless. Today's text to DH was ' are you stopping Their Birthday gifts next time around? Or is he giving $50?". Her Birthday is not until January!"
Well on 8/19 he finally texted her back and said 'I will be stopping next year'....she must have forgot what the conversation was about ...she texts 'stopping with what?'
Then she goes on with about 10 text msgs on a Saturday morning at 9am....
' I don't want anything for xmas besides money or gift cards i had to return every single thing u bought and I just bought GS clothes with it i can't wear med and larges i do not want anything but money or gift cards it's a pain to go and return everything and waste of gas...'
Yes...she really texts this way with no puncuation and improper spelling (text speak).
DH responds....'That's why we gave you gift receipts.'
YSD reply....' We are grown just let us get what we want plus I have a Disney trip coming up feb 28 I would like to use the cash towards or even a gift card to a clothing store for GB or anything besides clothes'
next one...'yea but it's a pain to go return it when u could've just have gift cards or money and let us get what we want'
next one...'We're not kids anymore'
next one...'It's a waste of gas driving to store to return the stuff'
next one...' U used to just give us cash until u let SM call the shots and u wonder why we don't like her'
next one...' If she wants to Do that for her kids fine but tell her ure giving ur kids money or gift cards'
next one...' U used to spend 300 on each of us until u met her cux u can't afford it u shouldn't short us we are ur kids Make her get a job'
next one...'We were there for u through everything she's only been there for 5 years'
next one...' I give u free hair cuts u want her to call the shots I'll start charging u $10 again...it's not right u don't stand up to get'
next one...' Just like the one year she made u charge me $10 to do my tax return come On really I'm ur daughter'
Next one...' Remember i have a baby full time u know what a pain it is to drag him to the store just to return stuff? He hates sitting still...It's a waste of ur money too buying us stuff we don't want...u used to always let us pick....'
Really Step Talk people...I just so want to email her back and tell her to F off again like the time when she was attacking me by text. This is so ridiculous. DH is going away for 4 days for work...should I talk to him today. Ask him if there is anything he wants to tell me about his precious darlings. I have instructed him previously to not talk to me about them unless I ask. I just feel he would ambush me at bad times and tell me stuff about them.
He knows that YSD has an obsession with money. He was on board with what we did for gifts when I was helping him pick things for them. We have 6 kids (adult) to buy gifts for so we budgeted accordingly and I guess his DD's thought they got the shaft since their entitlement has gone down each year.
And considering that YSD never gives her dad a gift..or me....then where the hell does she come up with thinking she deserves anything.
I am thinking the empty gift card someone suggested is the way to go here. Geeezzz.
Now granted...I did discover all this in my sleuthing. Did you know that the iphone takes good photos of the text message screen of DH's phone? Handy to know, so I can have my own record of all this crap they are telling him and their hatred of me.
What do you all think?
Just a quick question/comment
Just a quick question/comment on SA, "The strategic thing to do would be to cook a great meal for him, and rock his socks off later. Smiling, stress free wife. "
That used to work for me (us) too, but i am so disgusted by DH I can't even bring myself to make love. Just don't know.
newwife3....I love it! 'No
newwife3....I love it! 'No gifts for you!'. I so wish I could deliver that message to her right now. Unfortunately DH has to see the light.
It is sad because he is so sentimental about winter and the holidays. He enjoys decorating and making the house smell like cookies baking and the traditional Turkey dinner. We have done all the trapping just for the two of us. His DD's never have more than about an hour to come collect their 'gifts'.
His OD and SIL and GD are the only ones who just last year came for a meal with us on Christmas night. We had our own noon meal with my son and DIL and then his OD and family came as they were leaving and we put out leftovers. Thankfully, I did not want to mingle the two families anyway. The YSD and GS was supposed to stay for the meal and visit but she collected her gifts and used the excuse of having to take the baby home to bed so she could leave right away. I think she is anorexic anyway.
She is the one who complained about the sizes of clothes we gave her...however...we had given her a maternity jogging suit when she was pregnant and she was always wearing it even in the summer after the baby was born so we pick out some nicer similiar items for her last year in the juniors dept. They were not oversized clothes....but I just think it is so rude of her to say now how she returned everything. She used to dress nice and take care of her appearance, but since her second marriage to the wife beater and the GS being born she let herself go as far as her clothing and personal hygeine. The things we gave her would have fitted and looked better than what we saw her in on the few occasions we even saw her. She lives nearby and always expects to get her 'gifts' in person.
Yes...I would love to say we will give you the same amount you spend on us.
That is why DH is stopping the Birthday money. For one...YSD and MSD never give him anything for Christmas or his birthday. Though this year since I am not engaging with them since the spring, they took DH out for breakfast and MSD's abusive obnoxious BF was there and paid for DH's meal. So really, they still have not given him anything now that I think of it. EXcept the gift of their time that day to I am sure bitch about how he needs to divorce me.
OSD does give DH birthday money...so that is an almost even exchange so that is why he wants to stop the trading.
She did used to give us gift cards for Christmas. Exactly about $100. When DH and I would be spending whatever he decided was the amount for the Daughters, which it started at $300 when I met him...then trickled down to about $100 by last year...then the $50 for the spouse and whatever for the GD.
But now that I think on it...last Christmas...she didn't do the same on the gift card ( I can't remember exactly, it made that much impression on me)...and the gift that we were going to "love the most" was coming to us after Christmas. It turned out to be photos of the GS that she had taken at a photo studio and a printed photo book that was the first year photos. Most of the photos in the book were ones we or I had taken throughout the year. And on the one with the meet the Grandparents at the hospital page, it was all photos I took, including one of BM holding the GD front and center page larger than all the others, and one of the other Gparents holding the baby that I took that day. And the photo of me....cut off half my face on the edge of the page! Yes...I loved that gift the most!
Once again StepAside thank
Once again StepAside thank you for your voice of reason and sanity. I am happy to say that I did not bring up the topic yesterday. I spent the day with DH listening to his work presentation. Washing his clothes and helping him pack for his trip. ( four days, three nights to myself...yeah). Taking a drive together for an errand and discovering a covered bridge on the way home after stopping for an ice cream cone. Making Dinner. I even listened to his presentation again at 10:30 at night. I didn't rock his world, but that's ok. Saturday took care of that one. :). Perhaps if his head had not been buried in his work computer all evening ...of well.
Yes , you are right and I think he sees and has for a long time how YSD is about money. He doesn't understand it, says it started in high school for her. But what do I care? She and all of them are DEAD TO ME! I will try to remember that one.
I do believe he would have snapped at me if I brought it up. It is best to leave them to him.
I am the one who picked out the clothes. Really DH had no idea what to pick. She wore it all the time. Now I think of it, it was probably to hide how thin she was and the bruises from her wife beater. Thankfully she is not with him anymore. But we have heard she still let's him come over to see their BS even though it is supposed to be supervised visitation. Probably another reason she is the way she is.
You are right about the photo book. I was shocked when we got it. I was pissed. Now it sits on my shelf with the f'ing photos of BM in it. Yes, it. Could have easily been personalized for each of the grandparents households. But of course I could only make a tiny squeak of a complaint to DH. And never to OSD. It is of course a PA way for her to shove her BM in my face. Not enough that any and ever time I would be around these bitches they had to talk nonstop about BM in my presence, in my home! Or announce if we were visiting OSD in her home that 'Im going upstairs to call my mom". Leave us sitting their with Son inlaw on his iPhone playing a game. Lovely hospitality.
Or the first few years they came over here for Christmas, texting the BM while they were here. Right in our face. Then as soon as they got their presents. Rushing back to BM's for dinner. Even though they just spent all morning and day with that family.
One year we even canceled going to Christmas eve service because ' they ' were supposed to come over afterwards but the weather was bad so they needed to come earlier. Of course a short collect our presents visit, no token gifts for us. I told DH never again on Christmas eve. If they want to see him then they can go to church with us. Ha like that would happen!
And please don't think for me it is about getting presents. It is about the spirit of the season and 'used to be ' about the joy of selecting something another person would enjoy and have to remember the time spent together. Just sharing time together is the best gift I receive from my family. DH's daughters have about sucked the joy out of it for me. So I am done with them.
I will get my kicks too out of shopping and planning time with my family. Yes, people who love me back.
So thank you for your advice.
I am so glad I found this site. It is helping me cope. Yet I don't have to argue with DH about this stuff anymore. Because why would you argue with someone about someone who is Dead to you? That would be crazy!