Cannot stand the so called Step Daughter
Hi, this is my first day here. I just tried to write a post for the last twenty minutes and I made a mistake and hit the backspace key and it deleted my whole paragraph! So I'm just gonna get to the point this time. My so called SD doesn't consider me her SM - she calls me her dads wife. Fine, I don't want her as a SD anyway. She is horrible! She's greedy, nosy, vain, disrespectful, lazy, self-centered, unkempt, mouthy, manipulating, doesn't want to do anything with her life, wants to be taken care of - and so many other things you can imagine.
I CANNOT STAND HER!!! I've even prayed to God to please open my heart toward her and somehow over look all that she has done and let me love her, but I can't. My DH has never seen her for who/what she really is, but he certainly is beginning to.
It's always some catastrophic disaster that we have to rally around her for. We had one last night and it kept my DH up all night.
She tries to play dumb and innocent. She can't be dumb the way she manipulates and she sure isn't innocent because she gave birth to 4 children. 2 put up for adoption and the other 2 her ex-mother-in-law is raising.
My question to all of you is: am I supposed to overlook everything? Not realize what I'm dealing with here? And every time something happens forgive and forget? Most people say forgiveness will set you free. I want to be free. This is so draining. I am so tired of catering to a 30yo woman.
I have a worthless disgusting
I have a worthless disgusting 30 year old SS.
Do I open my heart and try to love him? Hell no. I tried for a couple of years to "accept" him as my DH wished. Now I just ignore him.
I honestly do not even waste the energy to hate him. I do not care whether he has a job or not, whether he has a place to live or not, whether the latest GF tosses him out in the street with a police escort, etc. Or even if he turns his life around. Not interested.
I do not ask about him. I've seen him once in 3 years (he lived about 5 minutes away). And that was only because DH forgot his wallet and had to come back home to pick it up. I just sort of say un huh and change the subject if DH brings him up. I said no when DH asked if he could come for Christmas.
Nobody in their right mind should tolerate a toxic POS in their life. That is not what forgiveness is all about. I "forgive" SS for being such an ahole - but what that means to me is that I let it go. I do not dwell on it. I just used an eraser to remove him from my life.
The best way to "overlook everything" is to truly NOT LOOK AT IT. She should just not exist in your world. You do not have to participate in her life at all. Catering to her is STUPID - no not do that. You can be free if you WANT to be free.
^^^^^^^^this, she knows how
^^^^^^^^this, she knows how to deal with older step kids^^******
And how old is SD?
And how old is SD?
Not all parents love their
Not all parents love their kids unconditionally, check out the blog about the father who almost commited suicide because he was having a second child. Most of these Disney parents aren't parenting out of love but rather guilt; they would rather throw gifts and money at their kids than spend time with them and that is not love.
You mentioned "forgive and
You mentioned "forgive and forget". In my opinion, you can't forgive someone who has no remorse, but on the other hand, you can deal with it the same way you would anyone else that acts like your SD does: By not investing any emotional time or energy on her. The one you SHOULD forgive is yourself - for allowing her to occupy your mental space. Do not spend one cent of your money or time on her. Let your DH deal with it. The best gift your DH can give SD is to allow her to grow up.
You wrote, "I've even prayed to God to please open my heart toward her and somehow over look all that she has done and let me love her, but I can't." Your body and mind are a 'temple' created by a god who wants you to honor it.
Sandye says: "You mentioned
Sandye says: "You mentioned "forgive and forget". In my opinion, you can't forgive someone who has no remorse" I so agree. That is just setting oneself up for more of the same. I also go one step further and say one can forgive but don't forget. By this I don't mean holding a grudge against them, that is not what forgiveness is, but rather being aware if and when they do it again. People that repeatedly hurt you, say they're sorry and do it again don't deserve forgiveness. Rather, fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice shame on me.
I too have a gem of a 30 year
I too have a gem of a 30 year old SD, mother of 3 girls (lost custody of the oldest) been living with a gang member drug dealer and his entire family for the last 4 years. I'm talking big time gang members. The guys older brother came up missing 2 years ago during an $80,000.00 drug deal. The police won't even look for the guy. She actually proudly described this thug as a Successful Drug Dealing Gang Member with a Heart of Gold and named her youngest daughter after him. Poor sweet baby has a boys first name and middle name. I can't recommend disengaging enough. I haven't spoken directly to her in years nor have I met her man or any of his family and do all that I can to avoid the youngest 2 kids. I got/am very attached to the oldest and worried constantly if she was being taken care of before her BioDad got custody, I just can't go thru that again with these 2 babies who have no one to save them. DH is not happy about my disengagement but she continues to do horrible things which I am constantly able to throw in his face to get him to quit making me feel bad since she loved my like a mother (I've been in her life since she was 6). When DH goes to see her and the 2 kids I don't ask about any of them. I'll say something about hoping he has a nice drive or about the traffic etc. When he talks about her or them I immediately pick up my tablet or phone while trying not to pay attention, I smile and say that's nice in a very distracted way. He finally stopped talking about her and them at least to me anyway.
Oh this sounds all too
Oh this sounds all too familiar.
DH's older son was a criminal gang member - involved in many criminal activities up to and including murder. He's now deceased. No loss to the world at all.
DH's younger son (now 30) recently had a baby with his GF - and named the baby after the older son. He idolized his older brother (a decade older).
This poor baby probably doesn't stand a chance. Which is why I refuse to even meet the child. There's nothing I can do to save this child. So why bring first hand heartache into my life?
You can forgive but you do
You can forgive but you do not have to forget. You don't have to allow her any space in your head or your heart.
My SD24 is lazy, has 2 kids, but does not want to work to support them or herself (and doesn't), and frankly, I have nothing to do with her and lose no sleep worrying about her or her future. I would like for her to succeed in life but I am not invested in it emotionally, and certainly not financially.
My DH worries about her but I just tell him over and over, "She is making her own choices. We have tried to help her make better ones, she doesn't want to. That's on her."
Each relationship in your
Each relationship in your life has to stand on it's own merit...who you are, who they are and what you mutually contribute to that relationship...if you are the only one participating in a positive way...it is not a relationship...There are two kinds of forgiveness to choose from...Emancipitory forgiveness, which means...you realize this person is lost and has no idea where she is going, but is too toxic to keep exposing yourself to...so, you have compassion on her state of being , forgive her trespasses...and move on...emancipating the relationship completely...Then, there is what they call a reconciliatory forgiveness....which means, you choose to forgive the trespasses of the individual, and you BOTH choose to re-engage in a mutually respected relationship...you cannot have a reconciliatory forgiveness if there was not a pre-existing relationship with that individual to begin with.
It sounds like the healthy thing for you to do is completely disengage from the toxic culture that this situation is marinated in...try to focus on the culture, not the culprit, (although having your guard up is not a bad idea when it comes to people who participate in abusive cultures).
It is not an easy road...coming out of an unhealthy co-dependednt relationship...the longer you have been immersed in it...it seems the harder it is to break free...Stop striving, stop chasing, and stop focusing on this person. The exclusion is just bait to get you to pursue them...they want you to...so they can reject you over and over again because it feeds their false pride and strengthens their self concept in a very unhealthy way. and their own insecurity drives that type of behavior. When my steps tried the same thing...I realized my position, re-evaluated, and decided to completely stop trying. Their manipulation didn't work...and now I can walk away knowing I have tried my best to love them for such a long time with zero return on my investment...it wasn't good enough for them...so, I am done. I do love them, but I cannot engage with the hate filled culture they have chosen to embrace as "their way"...
They forgot one important element..Stepparents get to choose...unlike bio parents...We do get to choose and can walk away...I hope you find peace within yourself realizing her issues are hers to overcome...replace all that energy and focus with some self improvement activities...Life is so short...my biggest regret is that it took me so long to learn how to respect myself and draw healthy boundaries....peace
Peacemaker - I love how you
Peacemaker - I love how you describe forgiveness etc. My Grandmother and Mother always said to watch how someone treats other people because sooner or later they always get around to you.
You need to DISENGAGE ASAP!!
You need to DISENGAGE ASAP!! I did! The bitch tried to start up with me like every other woman her dad ended up with and NONE of them stood up to her bullshit. Well, I'm engaged to her dad and she started some major shit with me I fucking went at her balls to the wall. Told her to fuck off and stay the fuck out of my life and my family. Thank god we live on different coasts or I would have gone to jail for nailing her ass to the wall. I don't take shit from spoiled adult skids!! I'm nearly 50 and I've earned my right to live the second half of my life bull shit free. She doesn't work doesn't do shit and the HELL I'm going to bankroll her fat ass for anything. She was so stunned all she could do was bad mouth me to her dad. I told him he can fuck off too if he feels she and her bullshit are more important than me and OUR relationship.
I don't give a damn about her and don't have to and neither do you! Free will sister! If she can't respect you tell her get the fuck out of your life and STAY out! Your health, mental health and happiness are FAR MORE IMPORTANT than she is. Trust me, cut the cancer out of your life now! You will not regret it. I'm over it and will be happy to know I never have to deal with her and her demands ever again. She knows she's fucking with the WRONG woman!
My SD21 is diagnosed Bipolar
My SD21 is diagnosed Bipolar II and HPD (Histrionic Personality Disorder, aka "Drama Queen"). Raised by her mother (not DH and me), and the mother is Bipolar I (manic) with narcissistic features. My SD21 is a consummate liar and perpetual victim. My SD is in legal trouble -- going on trial for felony child abuse and malicious wounding. While I really, truly don't think she abused her child, she is directly responsible for setting up ALL the conditions that ultimately led to her arrest on those charges last spring. The thing I get caught up in is, how our hands-off approach may cause other people to judge DH and me as assholes. The thing is, SD is very complacent when family is involved with her life -- she just has this idea that the family is going to "fix" everything for her. Now she even has CPS/DSS subtly treating her as if she is a victim rather than the person who, at the very least, should be charged with neglect. What can I say, except keep your own boundaries strong, and hang in there. <3
Welcome here! Hope SD
Welcome here! Hope SD doesn't live with you; didn't sound like it.
Don't even go there; let her and DH have their life and you and DH have your life and set boundaries now and don't let SD step over those boundaries; YOU take control of YOUR life.
The worst mistake I made (then I had to correct it), was to insist that DH step up to his Princess; it will never work. "Blood is thicker than water", so give that angle up and YOU take whatever measurers that are good for YOU.
I feel sorry for you; I've had 36 years of my toxic SD55 and it never stops when they want the drama; with that said, I'm doing well, after I took my life back and let them have their lives, without me. It still never ceases, but they're miserable, no longer me.
Stay here with us, vent, and we are here to support, listen, and try to help.