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Advice on Rude Adult Step Son

thisshouldbefun's picture

I have tried and tried with my adult step son and npthng works with him.  I have come to the conclusion that he really does not want a healthy, positive relationship with me.  My husband never admits that his son is rude and too hard to please, while always judging me and being highly critical of anything I do.  I really have had it.  Now he got married and of course, I was not invited.  But that's ok, I didn't want to go in the first place.  It really hurt my husband that I wasn't invited and SS knows that.  But, my husband talked to his son as IF I was following along with wedding plans because " I am gracefully stepping aside and care about him" UGH!  So his son must think I am really stupid.  His son is now married and wants me to show up and meet his new inlaws.  The only reason he wants me to meet them is to validate his personality!  I'm not going to do it.  My husband is putting pressure on me to meet them and I just don't want to!  My question is, am I being too stubborn or is it best to just stay out of it?  I am sure the inlaws are nice, but they need to spend time with him to see what a jerk he is!

hereiam's picture

The perfect time to meet the in-laws would have been at the wedding. Oh, that's right, you weren't invited. Didn't the in-laws find it odd that you weren't at the wedding?

I can't imagine why your husband or his son would think that you are now interested in playing happy family.

 

thisshouldbefun's picture

Seriously, he just wants to put me on display to show his inlaws that there is at least one sane person in his family!

shamds's picture

his parent in laws must have realised hang on something is off where was your stepmum and oh we’d love to meet her... he thinks sincse you’ve tolerated his bad behaviour and typical stepcrap all this time that you’ll shut up and go along... no way in hell hun!! You have a right to that!! Don’t get suckered in.

when my 1st child was a month ol, i told hubby never would i be present at any engagement or wedding ceremony of skids. Hubby is asian and in our culture when a kid is serious about a girl or guy the families meet one another and they basically confirm the person is of good character. Ha!! Fat chance i will sit through that bs and hubby knows it. 

I know hubbys family would lie and at most tell the family skids had a horrible bio mum and to be patient, no one will say what horrible people they are, their manipulation and narcissm, rudeness, disrespect etc...

since hubby is quite well off, they can’t piss him off and they would trying to exclude me from any ceremony. Hubby doesn’t want to be at any event exwife will be at meaning engagements, wedding ceremony and reception and skids at that point will have to explain to inlaws why their stepmum and half siblings were not at these events, it raises major questions and if they lie, it won’t take long for the inlaws to figure out skids and their mum are so dysfunctional and messed up.. 

hubbys family will realise me and our kids no longer attend any events skids are at and will ask hubby and skids questions and hubby will be forced to admit the truth.

i have told hubby if he wanted me to go along to this meeting the family part and expect i shut my mouth and hear them lie that skids are so great etc they are so wrong!!

where sd’s are from in asia they actually need hubby to give them away, he physically in person must sign the marriage papers. They can’t bypass this unless hubby gives permission to someone else. Also me and our kids will be living in my country as they’ll be in school and fat chance i will go out of my way for skids or pull my kids out of school for their wedding. 

Exwife is so unstable and vindictive and caused so much pain it’s unforgivable that hubby never wants to see her ever again. But selfish skids will always try to play imaginary happy family and tell dad to suck it up and play nice at the wedding when in reality bio mum starts and causes the issues. I don’t think hubby is in a place to suck it up for the sale of his kids with ex. They are such a disappointment, narcissistic and so brainwashed and pas’d out that there is no longer a relationship in place, just crumbs... probably have a few more years to go before the eldest 2 marry.... we’ll see then

Sanfranciscobaby's picture

God no. Don’t meet the new in laws until skid builds a relationship with you. Tell him thanks but no thanks. 

Dovina's picture

You dont get invited to his wedding , but now you are invited to meet with the in laws. I would go! Normally I would say the opposite. Have fun with it, be absolutely charming and kind. BUT be totally honest if they ask you why you were not at the wedding. You can phrase it in a humble way, with no bitterness. SS will end up looking like the a** he is. 

Winterglow's picture

I wouldn't be humble about it, I'd say that they'd have to ask their SIL because you simply weren't invited. Smile and leave it at that.

tog redux's picture

I wouldn't go, personally.  He doesn't get to pick and choose when you are acceptable to him. 

Your DH should have said something to him about not inviting you. 

Siemprematahari's picture

You're not being stubborn. In fact you're creating boundaries and for your H to feel that you should attend after his son blatantly kept you out is crazy. To heck with SS and his in-laws. Your H can go and have fun but you shouldn't feel obligated to.

Stepaside-1987's picture

I am torn.  Part of me would want to go so the in-laws could form their own opinion of me and to be able to say I wasn't invited to the wedding.  But another part of me would be thinking "screw you - you can't pick and choose.  Either you accept me or you don't."

Siemprematahari's picture

so the in-laws could form their own opinion of me and to be able to say I wasn't invited to the wedding. 

I can see your reason for the above but who cares what the in-laws think. Whether its good or not it still won't change anything.

Stepaside-1987's picture

True.  It was just a thought.  And you never know maybe they would see what an a$$ their new son-in-law is.

hereiam's picture

Like Stepaside-1987, I was torn, also. At first, I thought, "No way would I go."

Then I thought, "Maybe I would go and set a few things straight."

But, I think I wouldn't go. I mean, if the SS is so rude, I wouldn't want to do family stuff with them on a regular basis so who cares what they think, anyway? How often would I be seeing them?

Then, I was thinking that if your husband thinks it's soooo important for you to meet them, he can invite them over, without his son and DIL, and just the four of you can have a little get together. That might be interesting!

In the end, I would not be summoned by SS.

still learning's picture

"I would not be summoned by SS."

^This exactly! He must think very highly of himself and his little kingdom that he can banish and summon SM at his bidding and no one will bat an eye.  

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I wouldn't go. And I would use this as an opportunity to school and draw boundaries with your H.

Skids do what they do, and we have the right to limit our exposure to them and their nasty ways. But your H pressuring you to eat excrement, accept mistreatment, and then pander to SS' wishes by meeting his new in-laws is the real issue. This smacks of cake eating to me, and presents a choice: either attend, thereby participating in the rugsweeping, pretending, and playing Happy Family; or decline, pointing out to your H that there are unresolved issues needing to be addressed that make this social interaction inappropriate.

Your issue is an example of why stepparents must keep their own counsel, stand up for themselves, and cannot rely on their partners to have sound judgement or put the marriage first.  

Goodluck's picture

In my 30's I would have done everything I could to make EVERYTHING right because 'it's what you do'

In my early 40's I would have done my best to keep the peace with situations like this....

Now...Nope. just nope. ESPECIALLY if someone was rude to me over and over again. No thanks. I dont have to put myself in it  and I wont.

JMO of course.

notarelative's picture

DH was at the wedding. The in-laws were there. Where did they think you were? What did DH say to them? Either SS or DH gave an excuse for your absence.

 

 

 

ESMOD's picture

While SS apparently has been a turd in other ways.. do you think that maybe his mommy pulled the strings on the guest list.  maybe did a bit of manipulation of her own?  "I won't go if THAT WOMAN is there"?

Honestly, I would probably go because holding on to the bitterness is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies.  I would go.. be charming.. be honest.  I wasn't invited.... sorry I didn't get a chance to meet you then.

Maybe they are lovely people.. and you will gain allys.. maybe they are trolls twice removed.. and you can avoid all future visits.

HowLongIsForever's picture

I'm with ESMOD on this.  I would go and I would not hold SS against the in-laws.

I would, however, want to be prepared going in.  I would want to know what, if any, excuses were given in regards to my absence at the wedding so that if it comes up you're not caught off guard and can correct it calmly and politely.

Also, you didn't mention (or my lizard brain missed it) but where is the wife in all of this? As in had you guys met previously? Any sort of relationship at all?  I ask because her behavior re: you in front of her parents will tell you a lot.  

still learning's picture

"My husband is putting pressure on me to meet them and I just don't want to!"

Then don't.  It sounds like you've already done enough kow towing for ss and your husband.  I'm sure the inlaws are lovely people and are probably curious and would like to meet you, thus the invitation, but this is your life and you get to decide who you will form relationships with.   

For whatever reason you were not invited to the wedding. You were purposefully excluded from a major family event and now after the fact you're being drawn in.  I personally would decline. There would be no fighting, no bringing up the wedding exclusion, no drama, just a disinterst in all things ss.  

 

Rags's picture

Your DH has his loyalties all screwed up.  He needs to collect his balls form his prior relationship spawn and figure out where his support belongs.

If he can't do these things.... you may want to consider finding a man who is far more able to be your equity life partner than your current DH is.

No, you are not being unreasonable. That  your DH and his toxic spawn want to pimp you to the new ILs as a character reference for his prick of an adult SS is nauseating.

Just NO!

CLove's picture

So many super intelligent and valid reasons to go/not go.

I am on the fence as well!

Go: be the wonderful person you are and shine like a superstar. Put the nasty little chit SS in his place. In your absence people will judge you wrongly. Explain calmly why you were rudely treated and not invited to the wedding.

Dont Go: make a day of joy for yourself, instead of nervously anticipating an event that is engineered by the chitty SS. Let HiM and DH explaine why your presence is not there, for any family functions. Dont allow anyone to pressure you into something you dont want to do  -you dont owe them anything. Spend time with friends and family you actually enjoy, who love and respect you.

Or, what Rags said, leave the DH who has allowed you to be so mistreated by his spawn. He didnt have your back before, he is pressuring you now, and therefore doesnt have your back now. What about the future? I dont know your history (welcome to steptalk!) but Im certain there is a solid history of mistreatment. Flee! You are still able to have a great life.

Biggrin

My then SO pressured me to attend Toxic Feral Check Forgers high school graduation 2 years ago. She claimed not to have a ticket, all her tix were used up for 2 aunties, 2 cousins, mom and dad and sister. I was like "great! I have so many other ways to spend my time!!!"

ThenSo-NowDH was insistent that I go, and refused to go if I was not invited. She somehow procured a new ticket. She presented it to me "please go, I waited in a really long line for this".

Guess how the day went? Left work early (used some vacay time), sat for 2 hours waiting for ceremony, then 2 hour ceremony, hot sun, no water, hard bench, no thank yous. LOL. Yeah. Awesome. And she barely graduated, her grades were so horrid. And she is no longer part of my life, nor I in hers. I coudnt imagine if there were any weddings or children associated with her.

So, let us know what you decide! Good luck.

somethingwicked's picture

Newlywed SS wants to "normalize" his situation with the InLaws.Oh,this is not about reaching out and trying to find middle ground with  you.You are a prop to keep InLaws from realizing the dysfunction that is a hallmark of StepHell.

 

Who knows what story was fabricated  by SS(and maybe  swallowed and re-enforced by his sympathetic bride in solidarity of  her poor tortured STB husband) as to your absence at the wedding but now the parents of the bride want to meet you .

Maybe they believe you should be back from your last minute philanthropic visit to deliver medical supplies to a recently discovered pygmy tribe  or that your leg surely must be  healed from that awful  ski slalom accident when you where trialing for the next Olympics. Or whatever BS story SS floated to explain your absence at the wedding.

I doubt he told them his truth and  if so either they do not believe you are a big fat mean evil witch of a SM  or  perhaps  they are more than likely normal,gracious people that have no understanding or exposure to the bizarre  relationship  standards that is StepHell .

DH is the problem as you are aware .Weak and fearful of his son he allows you to be disrespected.You and SS do not have to be locked in a family love embrace 24/7 but a modicum of respect is required and should be expected .

Maybe SS is trying even if it is an effort to stop the new InLaws from asking after you.

I'd go but would make it very clear to DH  that  any rudeness or passive aggressive  effery from his son directed towards you will be the signal that you  are leaving this gathering  and husband is leaving as well  unless he would like you to give the InLaws a blow by blow of the narc borderline sociopathic personality that is their new SIL.

Oh wait ! Sorry .I was describing my EX OSD .But I think you get my drift.

 

 

still learning's picture

I'm sure the in laws are just fine and the fact that they want to meet says volumes about them.  I'm 100% certain this was not ss's original idea.  Maybe the "real" adults could meet sans ss and have a great time not talking about or bringing him up at all.   

soccermom830's picture

they both were fine with you not being invited to the wedding but now you are supposed to show support?  wow.  the nerve of these nasty step kids and husbands to think we are just available at their discretion.  so inconsiderate.

still learning's picture

Right?!  You're supposed to be available, supportive, and actually part of the family when it suits them.  Cherry pickin' much?

Mountains's picture

Your DH pressuring you to go is ridiculous after the wedding non-invite.  When my DH’s kids called to have dinner but only with him (and specifically said Mountains is not invited), he said no.  They called back and said ok, Mountains can come.  He said “thanks but no thanks”.  It really told the kids where I stood in our marriage.  I hope your DH will support you like that one day. 

Liz hill's picture

I personally wouldn't go.mHe can't pick and chose when he wants you. If he didn't think enough of you to invite him to the wedding I wouldn't met them with him. I would say though that you'd love to met them without him, and with your husband. If they ask why say that he didn't invite you to the wedding and leave it at that.,be so nice,too, as I'm sure you are. Do not take it personally that he didn't invite you I will never get an invite to my step daughters wedding either. Best of luck 

thisshouldbefun's picture

Thank you!  all of your comments really helped how I feel.  I am glad you recoginzed that this is all about what SS wants and how he wants to show off to his inlaws.  I was always very welcoming to his wife when they were engaged so I was surprised when she didn't reach out to me about their wedding.  But as one person commented "do you think that maybe his mommy pulled the strings on the guest list.  maybe did a bit of manipulation of her own?  "I won't go if THAT WOMAN is there"?  I think that was definately the case.  But even so, I am not going to play into this and meet his inlaws.

RJ's picture

I'm new to this forum, so I hope I'm not stepping on toes.  I'm a floored that your DH attended his son's wedding when his wife was NOT invited!  How is this okay, sorry?  Your husband should have made it very clear to his son that no way was this acceptable!

As for dinner with SS's in-laws - I get it, I've spent years interacting with people hoping they could form their own judgement, but that's part of my insecurities.  At the end of the day, IF you were not "family" to be including in their wedding, why would you be "family" to attend this dinner - unless the wedding was so small (like at a courthouse).  JMO Good luck, you're worth more!