Adult stepdaughter's children
My stepdaughter is 24 years old and has two children, a 2 year old and an 8 month old. She does not work, has neve had a job and the two children belong to two different men. I have always done everything I can to her her with the support and care of the kids, the oldest child she didn't purchase a single thing for before he was born everything the child had when he came home from the hospital was purchased by me or my in laws, I spent thousands of dollars on buying things for him since she couldn't since she won't work. In the two years since his birth everytime she neede milk, diapers pacifiers even his first Easter basket she texted me and requested me get them, but each time I requested to see him or take him anywhere she refused and was very disrespectful so i finally told her no more that not another dime was coming out of my pocket she needed to grow up and take care of her own chil, which she has not still gets everything given to her by my in laws and has since has another child, for this child I only spent a couple hundred dollars for things for her baby shower and a few things along the way when needed but not as exessive as with the older child. In July my husband and I were taking week off for vacation and requested to get to see the kids more during that week things seemed fine until time to go [ick them up and then the rude disrespectfulness came back and she has not allowed us to see the kids since July. The oldest's second birthday was last week and I did not recieve an invatation to the birthday party, she has not even so much as spoke a word to me since July, but when we did not attend the birthday party she posted a very derogatory post on facebook about what awful grandparents we were for forgetting our granson's birthday. I have said that I am done with her and her using the kids to get what she wants out of us and have tried to distance myself from the children as much as I love them because of the pain it causes me everytime we begin to really bond she decide to just rip them out of our lives for months at a time and it breaks my heart everytime she does this and I would love some advise on how to handle this without caving in and just alowing her to use us, can I just count my losses and just see the kids whenever and have no kind of relationship with them and not have nothing more to do with her?? help...
If you and DH were not
If you and DH were not together she would not allow you to see her kids - right? It doesnt' make sense for you to get too emotionally tied to them only to be hurt. I know it is hard - I have 3 grand Skids too - but we need to protect ourselves from the nasty games. I really don't have advice but just wanted to say I understand how you feel and that there is no real easy solution. Take care.
SD27 uses her kid as a pawn
SD27 uses her kid as a pawn as well. Any time SD27 needs money or "stuff", she pulls the grandkid card. I'm disengaged, so I don't participate in the nonsense. DH is pretty good about not giving in to every plea for cash.
If you want to stop caving in, then yes you will have to cut your losses and just see the kids whenever you're allowed. It's hard, but it can be done. Just remind yourself of the other outcomes of your generosity.
As the others said you need
As the others said you need to get out of the picture. Think of yourself as a distant Aunt. You'll see the kids when it convenient on both sides but its never a requirement.
It's clear you mean nothing to her except your ATM potential. For good or bad these kids have bio-Grandparents let them do for the kids if they want but you just keep them at arms length. The last thing you want is for the kids to get attached to you only to be ripped away because you didn't come up with the latest cash contribution.
You may, repeat may, find that once she realizes you're not going to be manipulated into caughing up cash, be brought back into the "inside" group but don't count on it. You could make an offer to babysit for her. Surely she is hunting for a third sperm donor and you can take on the role of sitter on occasion. Again don't let the kids get too close - you're just an Aunt. Don't beg. Either she accepts or she doesn't.
She has never allowed us to
She has never allowed us to babysit in the two years since her oldest was born, so not counting on it nor do I even want to at this point. I love the kids but can't allow her to hurt them the way she hurts me. SD mom doesn't work, oldest child's father not in the picture, second child's father still in the picture so far but probably just until she thinks she found someone better. She left him and went back to oldst's dad while she was preggo with youngest, lied and manipulated pople and wasn't gonna let him be there for birth until I stepped in, which I know really wasn't my place. Anyways my husband is like everyone else in the since that they all just kiss her a$$ as not to rock the boat and piss her off and he insists that I should do the same.
The use the grandkids crap
The use the grandkids crap works both ways. In our case SpermGrandMa tried to use my Skid and the SpermIdiot's younger three also out-of-wedlock spawn to manupulate my SS and my wife and I in to giving more and more visitation with our son (My SS) and cutting CS so the younger three SpermIdiot spawn as she put it "Can have the nice things that you (My SS) can have".
Not happenin SpermGrandHag. If you had raised your son to be worth a shit you would not have to be supporting his three youngest spawn and paying CS on his oldest.
In your SD's case, she needs to understand that she is responsible for supporting herself and her spawn and that it is neither your and DHs responsibility nor your problem. The challenge is holding mom (SD) accountable while overcoming the guilt feelings of the G-Skids having to suffer for their mothers total lack of character.
Unfortunately to help the G-Skids is to reward your SD for her crapy decisions and total lack of character. I think the more valuable lesson is to hold SD accountable even if that means the G-Skids will do without until if and when SD pulls her head out of her ass.
So, from my perspective and opinion, SD needs to get used to the smell of having her head up her ass.
Hang in there.
i'll be dealing with this
i'll be dealing with this myself soon enough. sd20's baby is due in 2 months. i'm not interested. i'm not going to the hospital, i'm not bonding with him, i'm doing nothing. i'm sure i'm being blasted all over fb today too, because i did not go to her baby shower yesterday and i did not get her anything. oh well. i don't celebrate upcoming births for people who celebrate my miscarriage, duh. she's probably bad mouthing fdh, too. because he's supposed to force me to do the things she wants me to. she still thinks he's my father. she thinks if i don't do what she wants me to, she can tell daddy and i will get in trouble and he will make me do it. :? i guess her thinking i'm his child would explain why she was so threatened by my presence in his life...
Thanks everyone... I totally
Thanks everyone... I totally agree. This bank is closed for business until my bio kids have kids then I'll spoil them rotten but I know they won't behave this way... In fact they will probably want me to see them more than I plan. Lol but I also know I won't have to completely furnish their nurseries either, like had to with SD first, she literally had nothing to bring him home to when she had him. Just hate the thought of them not having thing they need but so far she has managed to get it out of my sister-in-law or my mother-in-law just fine without me so it is ok. My husband still thinks I should go with him to see them as much as I can, my mother in law had them when he went to visit Saturday, but honestly I would rather not see them just makes it harder...he said the oldest wouldn't have anythng to do with him at all wouldn't even tell him hi...but the baby has a totally different personality went right to him nd loved on him even though hadn't seen him in weeks. Miss her he was such a joy to spend time with, love them both but the 2 year old has his moms personality.
Christmas will most likely be
Christmas will most likely be a whole new issue. I decided to leave gift purchasing up to my husband, if he does he does if not they don't get anything
Candi, gift giving to SD is
Candi, gift giving to SD is DH's responsibility anyway. When you give gifts they have to come from the heart - not from obligation. The last time I bought SD a Christmas gift I took a lot of time to make sure it was something she liked. DH gave it to her. When I discovered the unwrapped gift I said, "Oh, I see he gave it to you." She turned her back to me, and as she walked away, shouted over her shoulder, "Ya, I saw it!" Then when Daddy appeared she rushed up and gushed, "Ooooh, Thank you!" Later on I received my gift from her - a small bottle of outdated food from her cupboard and a minute jar of something she had made. Since she has been banned from my home I do not waste the effort to do anything for her. I do not know if DH sends her anything for Christmas - I don't ask. Much better.