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Help please - BM forcing me to stay away from home while SS9 visits dad

CheleSpittle's picture

HI, I am at the end of my tether with my SS9 and BM. I have been in my SS life for nearly 3 years now, he comes to stay with us every other weekend Friday to Sunday. We get on great and I babysit him on Saturday mornings while his dad (my partner works). The only issues we ever have are regarding mealtimes. He ALWAYS has to cause a drama regarding his meal complaining he doesn't like it even though he's ate the same things before. 

I try to treat him the same as I did my own kids when they were young (my kids are aged 23, 21 and 19 and dont live with us), I buy him treats, spend time with him and do loads of fun stuff, however I also discipline the same so when he complains about food I basically say if he's not going to eat it he can go without (like I say we know he likes the meals because he's eaten it before). 

The issue I have at the moment is this, on Easter Sunday my partner spent hours cooking a lovely roast dinner, SS just pushed the knife and fork (which he still does not know how to use properly) around his plate and refused to eat it. Things got quite irrate and I souted at him and sent him to his room.

He's now gone home and told his BM that he's scared of me, she wouldn;t allow him to visit when he was last to due to but she's given in and said he can come this weekend - IF I'M NOT THERE. So basically I've had to book a hotel room and now have to wait until a 9 year old gives me permission to come home. I'm at my wits end, me and my partner had a massive row about yesterday because he thinks I should just go along with what she says so that he can see his son, I get that but I dont see why I have to basically get home from work on Friday evening, go home and pack a bag and leave until SS decides I'm allowed back in. I honestly feel that if I didn't love my partner so much I would pack up and walk away for good.

DaniellaR's picture

It sounds like you have a partner problem. If he doesn't back you up and actually expects you to bow down to a 9 year old and his former lover, there is no improving this situation. First off, if I were you, I would have never booked a hotel. You don't have the issue, your partner has the issue and if he wants to be controlled by BM then he needs to be the one to remove himself and his visiting child from the home. You are paying half the bills, as a contributing member of the household, do not allow yourself be displaced from your own home. I would start setting money aside for an apartment. I would leave this man if he refused to change and kept demanding his former lover and 9 year old have control over the entire household. You should not be cooking for his son, especially if it is causing issues. SS9's dad is more than capable of cooking for his own child. You should not be babysitting him. If your husband is not available to care for his own child then the child needs to be with his mom. You have a partner problem, not a SS9 and BM problem. 

tankh21's picture

DaniellaR is correct in everything she says but also your DH needs to grow a pair and stand up to the BM. BM is controlling your DH and your household.

Kes's picture

It is ridiculous that your partner is going along with this.   Parents and step parents are allowed to occasionally get angry with their kids without a 9 yr old manipulating the situation with the aid of his mother and your partner just meekly going along with it and not having your back.  

This makes me so mad because it reminds me of all the years my DH didn't have my back - and which he now regrets (years after the events).   

Please do not agree to leave your own home again.  It is up to your DH and his ex to sort things out about his son visiting, but you should not take the fall for them being useless parents.  

dysfunctionally_blended's picture

Definite partner issue for sure. If he agrees with BM and ALLOWS her to dictate what happens in your home to the point that YOU need to leave sadly you need to reevaluate the relationship. 

What should have happened is your partner should have ignored BM's crazy request and continued to follow the CO. 

Instead he has negated your importance in not only his life but your SS's. This spells disaster. Now that BM knows she can call the shots, she will. And now that SS knows he can lie and get rid of you, he will. 

What a mess. 

You are not the problem. I know its easy to say leave the relationship but in this case if I were you I would have a serious come to Jesus moment with your partner. Either you and your Relationship are first or you are out. 

freebird's picture

Uh, no way would I leave my home. SS and BM do not get to dictate what happens in your home. SS should come for his regular time, with you there. SO should not be allowing BM or SS to manipulate what happens in YOUR home. As a matter of fact, he doesn't even need to be discussing this with BM. You should both discuss with SS that he is the child in your home and does not dictate the rules nor make demands on who can or can not be in the home. JHC- I feel sorry for this kid when he realizes that the world does not revolve around his wants and desires. Of course, BM and SO are to blame for this BS. A child will always push the boundary if allowed.


Rags's picture

Where are your SO's balls?  No, BM can't withhold visitation and cannot dictate that you leave YOUR home in order for a 9yo POS crotch nugget to visit.

SO needs to nail BM to the wall in court with a contempt motion any time BM fails to deliver SS per the visitaiton schedule.

This is crap and BM and this idiot kid both need a Judge to smack them around in court.


UnofficialMommy's picture

If my partners ex could control us like that she would jump at the chance, any boundarliesss ex would. They lost control when they left him, and think that because they birthed his child they should truly always have it, and sadly, he's giving it to her. 

The reason my partners ex can't control our lives like that is because he has never let her. He would call the police for her not giving him over on his time before he would allow her to control our lives to that extent. And she knows that. He has always stood up for my place in his life and my SS3 is life. It's a little different because my SS doesn't complain about me. Your SS is showing signs of being just as boundarliess as his mother, and is also searching to control. That's where his eating issues are coming from too, his need to control.

Your partner needs to stand up to her, and the child needs to be put in therapy for his control issues. 

Check out this website on helping a picky eater, it's a control game, and here's how you win by not playing.

I did this for our boy and within 2 weeks he was better, and has stopped the control game. 

Eb523's picture

She cannot refuse to send BS to his visitation. The solution, you stay in your home and your partner continues to pick his son up. If she wants to stop visitation then she will have to file for a change in the custody order. Otherwise when she refuses to send him she is in violation of the custody agreement and you guys take her to court. No judge will be happy to hear that a mother is refusing visitation and she will have to provide some kind of proof that he is in danger- not just that he got yelled at.

shamds's picture

If i had been made to by hubby or it was even suggested i stay in a hotel so his kids with ex could come over, i’d actually be livid and suggest we end our marriage. 

As a parent that child should have respected and ate dinner that was prepped by his parent, not be a disrespectful rude little shit. His dad might not want the drama but you told that child to eat just like you would your own kids (thats your house rule) and he must respect the house ruled you have. 

Your hubby is in the tough place being in the middle and i get its tough but basically makig your wife/partner stay in a hotel is so disrespectful because you’re kicking her out of her home, what should be her safe place and further teaching this kid he can be even more ruder and disrespectful and if all else fails, run back to bio mum and make accusations and allegations etc and she threatens no visit unless you’re gone, the bio mum has no right to control you, your house rules and that is what she is doing. Put her and your stepkid in their respectful places

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

Oh hell no. Tell your “partner” either he puts you first or you walk.

Leilene's picture

You should have never submitted to the disgustingly intrusive, dictatorial demand from your husband’s former lover. You are a grown a** woman. You have worked hard in your life to be able to afford a home and map out a future and you should not be giving your husband’s ex the power to tarnish the flow of your life just because they created a manipulative, whiny brat. Your husband ought to be ashamed for having his wife, through better or worse, leave the comfort and safety of her home so that his ex could have things her way on a silver platter. I’m disgusted and embarrassed for you. It would be a permanent, irreparable loss of respect and trust for me when it came to a “man” like that. 

Put your foot down and tell him you refuse to be kicked out of your home at the wishes of his ex. The bitch was probably gloating at the results. Despicable. 

MommyT's picture

BM can’t just keep ss because he says something happened. There are COs for a reason but if DH wants to be a pansy then use his credit card and book yourself a spa weekend. If BM still wants to be stupid and let ss control the situation, then I like the idea of DH and ss booking a hotel some where. DH is going to get tired of having to pay for a hotel. You need to stand your ground on this one or else you are going to be pushed around by BM and ss.

ldvilen's picture

Manipulative, controlling BM and weak, enabling DH = step hell.  Unless either you or your DH grow a pair, and ideally the both of you, this will not only be your present, but also your future.  The only way to even remotely control a rapid dog is to put a muzzle on it vs. showing fear and trying to make nice with it or trying to outrun it.

Thisisnotus's picture

I would never leave my house. If the issue was pushed and my DH was asking me to leave the house so his kids could come over....the relationship would be over right then and there. No way am I letting an ex and a 9 year old tell me what to do.

I dealt with this in the begining stages of my relationship..they weren't offically divorced yet....BM FORBID the kids to be around me and DH complied for about 6 months while the divorce agreement was being hashed out in court. DH and I lived together so he would go stay at his moms with the kids.....I always thought it was odd but whatever I dealt with it. the divorce agreement ,as another way to keep me away from the kids...BM put in there that the kids could not sleep over night in a home with a person of the opposite sex while with either parent until the kids were 18...unless it was a spouse. How laughable and insane. But DH he would take the kids each night around 9 pm and they would all go sleep at his moms and come back the next morning.

So about a month after the divorce was final we got I guess that didn't work out all to well for BM. But she is stuck with that clause for about 7 more years. hahahahahahaha

ldvilen's picture

My guess is that BM will renege on that clause and no one will even blink.

This is a huge, huge issue for me and many—the total hypocrisy between what a BM can get away with vs. a bio-dad.

In my case, BM cheated on her ex- (my DH) and had multiple BFs over the years since their divorce.  She remarried and divorced another man in between.  On the other hand, my DH and I have been married for close to 20 years now.  Nonetheless, no matter how many BFs or how long BM has been hooked up with them, she always tries to promote her BFs as somehow being equal to or superior to me, while downplaying my role as DH’s wife for about 20 years.

AND, everyone lets BM get away with this—everyone, including my own DH sometimes.  BM brought the man she was cheating on with to her daughter’s wedding as a date.  She saw this man/BF off and on while she was married to my DH and while she married to hubby #2.  My husband and I may have been the only ones at the wedding who knew the whole story, but no one blinked with him there.

Then, BM and everyone else proceeded to ignore me and my DH’s relationship as husband and wife, and totally kicked me to the curb and took over my DH as if he were BM’s own and she and the minister and others got in the cahoots to have my DH walk her down the aisle, etc. while I had to find my own seat.  At the reception, there was no assigned seating (and I wouldn’t have cared even if there was), but I sat right next to my DH and REFUSED to move.  Apparently, everyone was in a tizzy that I wouldn’t give up my seat next to my husband!?  No one asked either him nor me.  What the H-?!

Meanwhile, the man BM cheated on DH with, was running around the church and reception acting like he had every right to be there, and BM, of course, promoted this as well.  So, everyone bought into that.  My DH should have been right there promoting me as his wife as well, but he was caught so off-guard.  I mean, what can you do when the minister tells you just as the processional music starts to play that you have to take your ex’s hand and walk her down the aisle?  First time he heard of it.

THEN, fast-forward a few years later, and my husband’s son and DIL have twins and my husband and I are driving to the hospital to see them.  DH gets a call in the car asking him something like if I am there or not, and DH responds, “Yes, she’s driving.”  Long pause, and then I hear, "OK."  So, we get there and BM is there with her latest BF.  Fine, no problem.  Then, we finally get to see the twins, after BM has seen them twice already.  Her son keeps asking mom's BF if he wants to see them.  BF kept saying, “No. I haven’t had a flu shot.”

So. . . did I understand this right that there was a concern (by someone or group of someones) that I be there/ permitted to see the twins, but BM’s BF was giving a free pass to just show up, and, in addition people were so concerned that he not feel left out that they kept asking him, “Are you sure you don’t want to see the twins”?  No one blinked an eye, if that were the case.  20 years of marriage to their father = nada—mom doesn’t want me there for whatever reason, no problem.  BUT, BM’s BF of three months or whatever, he = prince, and if mama wants him there and to be treated as such, so be it.

Really, can’t stand this sort of hypocrisy and it is so rampant in step-situations.  And, this is why it is not uncommon for step-dads to wind up walking their step-daughters down the aisle, while step-mom is figuratively tripped and locked in a closet for the entire event.  One of these days. . . .