This is the last straw for me. I'm done...this time for good.
FH(now downgraded to bf) didn't bother to tell me about the skids having tutoring this morning. I was really sick last night and went to bed at 8pm. I got up at 6:50 this morning, which is pretty late for me so I was running behind. Bf comes home and wakes up the skids so they can get ready for something. I have to hurry in the bathroom and get out. I tell bf that he should have told me they had to be somewhere (tutoring as it turns out). Bf tells me I'm supposed to 'just know' since it is Tuesday. (He's never explained how it works).
So I'm angry that I had to hurry in the bathroom and also because he didn't bother to tell me. I feel like crap cuz I'm still really sick today. Because I'm mad about him not telling me about the tutoring, I tear into him.
I told him I was HURT again that I am the last to know anything, that I don't get included in knowing about anything (just kinda gets dumped on me), and that as his partner/gf/fiance/whatever I'm supposed to have enough respect from him for me to be talked to about these things. I told him my heart always feels ripped out because I am never ever in the loop of communications. Even the shrink backed me up on that. So bf just ignores it and wants to sleep because he'd worked all night.
So, I was super p*ssed that he wouldn't spare 10 minutes to talk to me when he just spent 20 driving his frikkin rotten kids to tutoring. So I went on a bender screaming and throwing things around and trashing the bedroom in frustration. I realize that wasn't the best thing to do but I am so hurt and frustrated all the time I just can't hold it in.
I also told bf that I hated his guts and wished he was dead for all the crap he puts me through. He'd said that I'd better bring my own dinner home cuz he wasn't cooking and he wasn't taking out my garbage at my place today...all of which I said, well no duh I can't depend on you anyways!!! So that's kinda what inspired me to freak out and throw stuff around.
He of course had to throw in, "well this is why you haven't gotten your ring yet." As though my broken heart is the cause of my not getting the ring! Its like he can rip me apart, tear my guts out and when I call him on it, he flips it around on me like it's my fault I haven't gotten a ring yet because I haven't been "nice enough" to him or put up with enough of his crap! That part made me mad so I dumped my vanity stuff on the floor and started crying.
I'm tired of him and I know today he'll be all up on me for being "dramatic". I'm not being dramatic!!! My heart hurts and aches inside so badly I want to not live anymore because of all the crap with him. And instead of actually hearing that, he acts like this is just a big show for him to goad him into giving me the ring or "obeying" me...whatever that means.
He said early on that he wasn't going to be a doormat again...I've never done anything to him to make him a doormat. Instead, which the counselor agreed with, he's swung the other way and become the aggressor and the person who stomps on their partners feelings...he's basically become his ex-wife.
I've been looking at realestate for a few weeks seriously, and yesteday I got a call from a guy with a house for sale near here. It's within my price range if he comes down a bit, which I hope he will. I'm going to offer to sign papers tonight if he'll drop the price a little.
I'm absolutely completely done with bf. He has treated me like crap and turned it all on me saying it's me, my bad and I'm "crazy". I'm done. I don't care what he says, thinks, or does. I'm going to start living life again and not be miserable anymore.
And what's more, with this new place, I can get a dog!!! I can have my life back again and start to live...happily and free of all the crap I get from bf and his kids and the scumbag bm.
I know I've said before that I was leaving, but I always came back, but I think that this is it for me now. If I can get this house, I'm calling movers immediately and have them come get my stuff.
I don't feel like I'm a failure as a stepparent because I know in my heart I've done better than either of their real parents (even last night, when they knew I was sick, they said they'd be quiet and good so I could sleep...and they were). I have no regrets as far as the skids though, with the exception of not going to hockey...but I would have gone had their father treated me right and given me things that I needed. I guess that's all pretty moot now.
I think now is the time to start a new chapter in my life.
Thank you all very much for all your support and letting me vent...and for all your great advice.
Lots of love, LT
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I'm sorry
that this morning was so rough. It sounds like a nightmare.
This statement
"My heart hurts and aches inside so badly I want to not live anymore because of all the crap with him."
concerns me, please make sure to reach out to your support system, counselor, whatever.....no man is worth feeling that way over.
"The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change, So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger, but in wisdom, understanding, and love." -Jennifer Edwards
thank you for your thoughts
I'm going to see my counselor tomorrow. My friends and family are very supportive of my decision and have wanted me to leave for a while, however the sad part is that I've loved this man with all my heart...he however hasn't deserved that.
lil't
oh how many times have I wanted to punch a wall in frustration, but it sounds like you have a plan in place, focus on that focus on what is going to be good in your life (NO STEPKIDS YEAH) like bewitch this can be such a positive thing for your life.
I am a big believer in journals/letters and pro and con lists.
write if you can ..get it all out.
we are here for you!
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
I hear ya
I've done the pro/con list a zillion times over. What overrides it all is that I've loved this man since I first met him. What I thought he was, was a kind and loving person, but it turns out he is emotionally stunted. He cannot communicate and have a normal relationship. I realize I've got my own issues but I know in my heart they are not as bad as he makes them out to be. What he does is twist my reactions into saying that I'm a bad person because of them....I get upset at his behaviors and how things don't get better, but I'm the bad person because I'm reacting badly. It's just more of his tiring mind games.
I've been journaling and blogging and hashing all this out for months.
The sad fact is that I can't stop loving him. He does have good qualities, but the bad part is that he is able to insulate his heart and emotions from me so that no matter how I hurt he's able to not care and stick that knife in my heart and turn it(metaphorically speaking). That's what hurts. The fact that I am in severe emotional pain and he seems to not care or is unable to empathize. And that's enough of that for me. I can't continue like this...it's time for it to end.
I wanted the ring...I wanted forever with him, but not like this, and not with him twisting it around to "me" being wrong, bad, etc. He doesn't take responsibility for anything, it's all me being screwed up, crazy, etc...and I'm done with it.
Thanks for the thoughts. Hugs to you
projecting
he is more or less projecting himself (badness)onto you.
my ex used to do this all the time, my therapist called it tennis arguing, my ex would throw something out at me make it my fault therefore the ball is in my court I have to react to it.
and boy did I.
so when I learned what he was doing I stopped reacting and boy did it throw him off! course he got worse.
I am sorry this man can not be the one you had wanted him to be.
he really doesnt deserve you.
time does heal although I know it sure takes a long time to get the healing part.
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
Lil'
You and I are going through the same thing. I am happy that you have found a house you like. Please remember that we are here for you and it is not worth it to feel life isn't worth living.
I too feel like I just want my old life back. My H just proved how little he cares for me (my post is long). and I am heartbroken. It's like I told my counselor last night 70% of me has regrets and feels like maybe I should have tried more but 30% feels a huge sense of relief.
One can only hope!
I know how you feel
I keep feeling like I should try harder or "be" different...but nothing I do makes a difference. This last week, I've been light, bubbly and agreeable in every way. I've joked with him in ways he likes to joke, and I've done everything I can to make him know he's valued and loved. And what I get is him telling me that I "should have known" tutoring was today, and that "the kids should have told me about it" when in fact HE should have, and he screamed and yelled at me and isn't going to feed me or do take out the trash my my place like he promised...all because I told him how profoundly hurt I was that YET AGAIN he excluded me from the loop of communication.
The shrink told us both that it will happen from time to time...but what stung was that it came so soon after counseling...barely a week.
I told him that I hated him and that's true unfortunately sometimes...but he makes it that way. I try so hard and get no positive feedback and no ring or security or promise of a future, so I get incredibly hurt, angry and resentful...and yes sometimes I wish he was dead so I wouldn't have to cope with him or deal with trying to leave when I know he'll make it incredibly difficult and unbearable. But I don't physicaly wish him dead...I guess I'm trying to say I just wish he would go away so I could collect my thoughts, get my stuff and just leave without him making me suffer for leaving.
The sick thing is that he thinks I seriously want him dead...and it's like he's trying to push to make that happen...not like in wanting me to kill him, but he wants us to break up is what I'm getting at. He wants to kill the relationship and it seems like he's been trying for a while to end things and make me WANT to leave. It's like he doesn't want me to love him and is deliberately pushing me away and out. I think it finally worked because my heart is cold to him now and I just want out.
good luck to you too...let me know how you make out.
Big hugs, LT
Oh, the coward's way out
If you talk to him you can say, well here you go, this is what you wanted - enjoy!! I hate it when guys don't have the guts to say they want to break up, and apparently it happens like this a lot.
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
I've come to think that it's better to leave before making a
commitment. Last yearr before we were married, my H was a completely different person. Back then I was, in his words, "perfect".
There was not 1 sign that he would turn out to be like he is now. However, we had a lot of challanges in gathering the paperwork to get married (catholic church has many many requirements). I even had a dispute with the priest.
Maybe these were all signs that we shouldn't have gotten married...
just see yourself as lucky that you are seeing this now, instead of going forward and things getting to the pint where I am know.
One can only hope!
Enuf is Enuf, LilT
Life is too short and he is not worth it.
There are MANY MEN out there who would be THRILLED that someone is as sweet and bubbly and kind-hearted as you are. GO FIND 'EM and let this jerk watch your skidmarks as you PEEL OUT!!
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt
LT, you did just exactly what I've wanted to do for months
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
Oh, girl, I've wanted to throw things, break things, throw them at H ( and SD17) and scream GET OUT OF MY HOUSE-and physically shove them, hard - out the door.
It's the inner rage. It's being constantly treated unfairly, like living a nitemare. And when the rage has no where to go, when the twisted logic they attempt to use to excuse INEXUSEABLE behaviour, is carried around in our hearts and minds all day, all nite, there comes a time when an explosion is bound to happen.
My H is acting like an angel these days-except when his financial burden is brought up. Then he says "I'm not going to listen to this for the rest of my life". Excuse ME? HE expects me to LIVE with it for the rest of MY life-but I'm not to even MENTION it because HE doesn't want to have to DEAL with it???!!!
Like your bf, H won't have to hear about it for the rest of his life-at least not from me. Cause I'm not gonna be around that long.