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Does This Make Me A Step Parent?

MrBurns773's picture

My ex girlfriend had an on going affair with another man, cheated and fell pregnant with his baby. 

She left me to live with the guy and that's around the time when she possibly fell pregnant. 

Around month 3/4 of her pregnancy, I gave her the ultimatum. Either be with him and you guys can be a family OR be with me and we can raise the baby together as a family.

She was hesitant, but eventually chose me. Because she knew he had nothing to offer her or the baby, but I did. 

We cut the dad out completely, although he wanted to be in this kids life. But, I felt no mercy for him because my ex girlfriend brought him around, in my home, in my face, all while I didn't know they were having an affair behind my back. 

I raised this kid as my own for 4 years, but now I am no longer in his life. And it's been almost 2 years since he was taken away from me.

Since I've been in his life mother has used him against me for monetary gain, she has threatened to take him away if things to go her way. And she promised me years to eventually get legal rights of him, but would change her mind all the time. 

Again, I never signed the birth certificate and I do not have legal rights. 

The definition states that "A step family, blended family, bonus family, or instafamily is a family where at least one parent has children that are not biologically or adoptive related to the other spouse or partner. Either parent, or all, may have children from previous relationships." 

So since this kid wasn't from a previous relationship, but was made during an affair during our relationship and is not biologically mine. Does this make me a step parent? 

MrBurns773's picture

I meant to say, she would threaten to take him away if things didn't go her way. 

I would also like answers out of pure factual opinions and not feelings. I want reality. I want the hard core truth. 

tog redux's picture

I'm confused, if he's not in your life for 2 years, you aren't a father or a stepfather anymore.

And no offense, but did you expect better from a woman who had an affair in your home, right under your nose? Normally I hate when people cut the bio father out, but in this case, you did him a favor.

MrBurns773's picture

I speak to him here and there through his grandmother, my exes mom. His mom doesn't want me having contact with him at all, but she doesn't know that I still have some contact. 

And I was young at the time 23. And I had thought she made an honest mistake, but sadly I was wrong. She also continued to cheat on me for 6 years with men and women, while I help raise a kid that wasn't mine 

tog redux's picture

Wow, I'm sorry. I hope you've found a better partner.  It's probably best to let your stepson (yes, it made you a stepfather, since you never adopted him) go, sad as that may be.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I'm so sorry that happened to you. It sucks, but this woman sounds like human garbage and you have no rights to the child. If you try to remain in his life, the mom will make your life a living hell and prevent you from moving on and starting a real relationship and family of your own. Think about it. You meet a nice woman, want to have a relationship, and she has to put up with you kissing this ex's or her mother's behind begging to see a child that you have no biological or legal ties to. Your ex will likely keep using you, keep moving the goalpost on what you have to do to get crumbs in return. Cut ties and move on. I'm sorry you had to deal with that. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

I'll be blunt.

No, you aren't a stepparent. You were a meal ticket and babysitter when your XGF effed up in her affair and got an unintended consequence from one of her follies. 

You were young and made a mistake. You had no right to push biodad out of the picture just because you got cheated on. Now, you have no rights to the kid you helped raise. He isn't your son, never was your son, and will never be your son. Even if GF wanted to give you parental rights, all it would take is for biodad to say he wanted rights and that would have put an end to it.

This was a mistake and a lesson for you. You're young and single. If you want to be a father, go find a faithful partner and procreate. You won't have the ability to have a meaningful relationship with this little boy, and you don't have any legal recourse to gain access to him.

I am sorry that it worked out this way, but after two years, you need to move on from this. It's unhealthy for both you and this little boy. And if your ex finds out, you'll likely be served with a restraining order.

MrBurns773's picture

In literal sense, you're correct, and thank you for that. But the bond I have made with this child and the time and emotions I've invested in this kid, it's hard to accept that he's not and was never my child, even though I did for him like he was my own. Even more than what his mom has done for him. 

tog redux's picture

My DH loved his former stepdaughter, helped raise her with BM. She was an adult when he left BM and they did maintain a relationship for a while. But after BM realized DH was not going back to her, the stepdaughter cut him off, too. This was a big loss for him.

I understand your hurt at losing him, but this can only end badly. With a mother like this, he's not going to turn out well, and continuing to see him will likely just end up in heartache for you. By my math, you are around 30 now - young enough to find a sane woman and have your own son. You have no chance of a meaningful relationship with this kid over the long haul, and certainly not of being any kind of father figure.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Yep, and what are the odds a decent woman sticks around if he's dragging the ball and chain of an ex and her mother along with him, trying desperately to have a relationship with this child?

Rumplestiltskin's picture

That's the thing about "step-hell." You often end up doing more and caring more than the bioparents. That's why they call it Hell. When a well-intentioned person with integrity gets mixed up with substandard partners and crappy parents, you end up taking on what should be someone else's role. But make no mistake, biology often wins. Almost always. I read a story here the other day about a stepfather who raised a girl, gave her his last name, and paid for her wedding, only to find out at the last minute that he was only invited to the reception and her trash ball sperm donor of a biodad was walking her down the aisle. It happens, and it sucks. Go to counseling, get your mind right. Learn your worth and how to spot red flags. Then find a woman of good character and start your own family. Or not. Maybe stay single, or be part of a child free couple. Maybe be a stepparent with someone who has her crap together and good boundaries with her ex and good parenting skills. But leave this situation in the past where it belongs. 

MrBurns773's picture

I understand that biological may always win. But I can't have kids biologically for reasons. But I do plan on having kids via a sperm donor using a sperm bank when I find the right woman settle down with. At least with this non biological kid it'll be planned by both of us together and I'll have legal rights to them. 

tog redux's picture

Yes, or adopt a child. Either way, you can really be a father to a child, because it's clear you want to be one.

Rags's picture

You are lucky that the bio dad has not shredded you in court.  I would if I was him.

This kid is screwed.  A whore for a mother and a random kidnapper who wants to be his daddy. Poor kid.

Go away and leave this kid alone.  Give him a chance at a life free of your manipulative presence.  The kid is screwed enough being cursed with this POS as his mother.

Now you know how his biological father feels.  You know, the guy you helped cut out of his life. Karma is a bitch and you are now living what you have earned.

And no, you are not a father at all.  Not even a step father. You have not parented or loved this kid.  You have victimized him.

Do everyone in this situation a favor, including you, and move on.

Find a partner without baggage and who will be faithful to you so when you have children you are not victimizing someone else's kid.


All IMHO of course.

Good luck.

Thisisnotus's picture

Yes to all of this! 

You were never the kids father or step were the mothers boyfriend. Time to move on and if you ever cared at all about the kid....leave him alone.