Will it ever get easier?
Okay, this is my first post. I was so happy to find this the other day. Because sometimes you just NEED to vent! I have been hoping something like this existed. I'm a new SM and if you vent to your friends it sounds so mean and like you hate the kids. If you vent to you spouse, they just get defensive and start reading into it. It has been over a year since we've all lived together, and I keep thinking we've gotten things worked out, but no. It's something new at least every month. It is so hard. I consider myself a very nice person, everyone else says I am too. I thought I was patient, I like kids. The stepsons (12 and 15) are actually pretty good kids. But this is for sure the most difficult challenge I've ever done and I'm sure will ever do. You can't be a mom, you can't sit on the sidelines. You're in a bad place no matter what you do!! You can't set new rules that you'll feel comfortable with, because they don't have to do them at the other house and they'll just stop doing them every single time they come back to your house. I just give up half the time and be like, my DH can be the parent. I can't do this. But then I get so frustrated because I want things a certain way, and know I could be a good influence on them and feel guilty if I'm not doing everything I possibly can to try to make things better!!
REally, I was pretty happy after this weekend because I have been having a really hard time with the boys and how they are turning into little teenagers that can be very nonresponsive and hard to deal with much less talk to! But I was happy because we had a pretty good weekend. Then it's Sunday night so I say let's sit down and talk about what we have next week. What homework, what activities. I have learned in the last year that no one ever plans in advance. They always forget something is coming up and then its scramble to finish a project or they forget to sign up for football, or something. But they both turn into complete punks!! They say we don't have anything this week. They ignore me, one starts reading the paper. And I say lets talk about how you both hate taking clothes back and forth. How about we try to make it so we have sets of clothes at both houses. And they both get really sulky! They say, we want all our stuff with us all the time! I'm like, you said last week, you hate having to pack... Then they shut down and won't talk to me. I got so angry. I can't do or try anything! I was willing to go buy them more clothes. And they love their precious clothes, but everything has to be namebrands. I was trying to help them!! WHY? Why do I even try? Then their dad asks them to help clean up the dinner mess, and one starts complaining about having to help and the other sits there still sulking, like I just did something horrible to him. So I just go to my room and say I give up. I'm done trying do whatever you want with your homework, take your clothes back and forth, I don't care.
But actually as I type this, my DH comes in and says SS15 is now going off about how his life sucks, he is sick of having to follow everyone else's rules, having to do whatever they tell him in school, he doesn't have anything to live for... WHAT?? He is a great student, has tons of friends, He just had a really great weekend. Went to the movie with his girlfriend, went to two differnt family easter parties. We had a fun bon fire last night. He has everything he ever asks for in life. Now DH is freaking out and doensn't know what to do and is so frustrated!! And now I'm thinking, did this come from me asking what they had going on this week??? I can't say or do anything. This is ridiculous. There always has to be something! Every single week we have them, which is every other week. And this is basically the best situation a divorced kid could have. Two responsible sets of parents who love them. Parents who pretty much get along and agree on most things. I'm just thinking with every new stage of their life, there will be another challenge. I don't even know how to be in my own house. It is constantly stressful and overwhelming.
I'm a new SM as well and wish
I'm a new SM as well and wish I can offer some sort of advice. But I at least understand the feeling of being totally exasperated. As teenagers, sometimes they are just looking for things to complain about. At times they don't even want a solution to the problem as much as they want empathy. Hormones are killer on teenage boys.
My younger brother is 16 and I can write a book on his issues... and my parents stayed together for a long time (until recently).
I think you and DH probably just need to listen and empathize that yes, it is hard and sorry you are going through this. Perhaps ask if THEY have any suggestions.
Parenting is the hardest job
Parenting is the hardest job in the world and being a step parent is even harder! I have 3 bios and 2 stepsons that lived with us full-time, kids range in age from 14-30, husband and I have been together 22 years. Teen years are hard whether they are your bios or steps. I understand about wanting order and to organize, I also like to plan things out and try to make things easier too. I also believe everyone should have their role in helping with the home. Teens see the world thru different eyes, moods get off balance quickly, their priority is themselves and their friends. This is a time in their life where they are trying to break way from their parents, bonds with them and step parents don't mean much at this point. Anything they are asked to do overwhelms them. Try to remember back to your own teen years.
We layed out what we expected as there were 5 kids and I had to be organized it it was purely chaos. So laundry was on certain days, they were reminded to get their laundry sorted and when it was done they were told they could put their clothes away. if they made a mess in the kitchen getting a snack they were responsible for their mess. If they didn't wash their pan I actually put their dirty dishes in their beds and that stopped it immediately. We encouraged the kids to have their friends to our house and many many nights we'd have a guest visit for dinner. We always ate dinner together unless someone was working- TV was always off and this was our time to chit chat about our day.
Kids do not like to sit and plan.....my bio 14 year old has got to be the most disorganized and she hates it when I ask her if she remembered things but if I don't ask I won't get done. It is something she won't admit to. So either she pays the consequences of her actions and I keep my mouth shut or put up with her mouth and remind her. I don't ever plan out things with the kids. If they mention a problem I might make some suggestions to make it easier and then leave it up to them to follow thru or continue the same.
Hope that helps. I see you're trying. Don't get discouraged! Andas for your question if it ever gets better, my answer would have to be, "No," but you do learn how to manage.
Excellent response AVR!
Excellent response AVR!
Teenagers are teenagers
Teenagers are teenagers whether they are steps or bio. It is harder as a stepmom to deal with a step teenager or it is for me. Actually my oldest step is 12 almost 13 and boy does he have a mouth on him. I truly try to be patient but sometimes I just cannot stand the child.
But then I remember when my 2 bio sons were in their teens and sometimes I couldn't stand them either.
So hang in their....my bios are great now that they have passed the teen years. Can't say how it will be with the steps but hoping for the same outcome.
We have four boys at home all
We have four boys at home all teenagers and it is rough at times but have learned that stick to your guns and keep going what you start. Have them do there chores at your house that you and DH expect them to do. As far as packing they need to learn this responsiblity they are teens and it is up to them to decide what they want to bring. You should definatley be there for advice wether they want it or not tell them and love them, dont give up children all ages want the discipline and attention most parents now adays dont care what their children are up to. Be who you are and love them for who they are and yes you will have a large load to carry but in the end it will be worth it for you will see them mature and grow into wonderful adults.