Why would the BM want this?
Hi all,
I'm new to this forum, so I apologize if someone already has asked for feedback on this topic.
Question: The BM wants to start having regular dinners with the kids, their father (her ex; my husband) and their stepmom (me). She says she thinks it would be good for the kids to see their mom and dad getting along well together. Am I crazy for thinking this is crazy? I mean, we talk at the kids' functions and drop-offs and such, but I don't want to be stuck at dinner with her. I also think it will undermine my relationship with the kids, making them believe mommy and daddy may get back together as they get along so well during dinner (at least I expect they'd act as if they get along well). The kids are young, both under 10 years old. Should I back down on saying no way?
To get to you
I had a similar situation, where BM was ALWAYS requesting to spend time with DH and SS, dinner/park/movies... I stuck to my guns with DH and it has never happened and NEVER will.
good luck to you Austen!
yup
my fiancees ex wanted to do the same thing and I said I wouldn't allow it. She thought it would make their son think everything is "ok". I said No way...there's no reason to sugar coat the situation and give the child false hope. I wouldn't go for it if I were you. If my fiancee would've gone for it I would've left. There's no reason for her to be "hanging out" with her ex husband, they're divorced for a reason...
Good Luck
Ew! No way! The best way to
Ew! No way! The best way to encourage normalcy is to behave normally--and this little set-up is anything but. It's awkward, false, and confusing. You are not all one big, happy family and pretending to be is just false. I think that a better message to send would be that Mom and Dad are divorced, but are able to get along and love the children despite the fact that they are no longer a family. There is Mom and there is Dad, but no more M&D.
When the kids are adults and have special occasions, that would be a time when maybe the parents--step and bio--might need to suck it up and be together for the children. But now? No. Not at all.
Oh, and to answer your question--why? Either the lack of oxygen in la-la land is getting to her head and she's ditzy enough to think that this is an honestly good idea, or she wants to remind the children (and you and DH) that she and he will always be connected.
Just my opinion!
Krissy
I agree it sends false hope to kids.
Why pretend that its one way when its not. Kids respond better to just letting the situation be what it is. My kids like that we my ex and I can talk but to spend a dinner together, no way. We are no longer a couple, we will always remain the parents. Yuck, let me tell you from experience, you sit there why the kids bring stuff up from the past and then you hear her say so do you remember or how is work and it just makes you feel like the odd man out and frankly it shouldn't be that way but it is that way. SO I think that sticking to your guns is better! Does she have a man in her life?
Happy
"live life to its fullest everyday"
I agree
No WAY would this happen in our house. I can handle when she comes in our house when she picks him up, I can put up with the fact that she asks me to lay SS on his bed when we drop him off sleeping (let's me in to see what is REALLY going on there) and SS sees that we can all go on civilly, and that is PLENTY. I would not want to sit there at a dinner table with her. SS gets SO confused even when we are standing in the same room, WTF would he think if we all sat down to a family dinner. Stick to your guns Austen, you are right on this one. COnfusing, uncomfortable and NOT NEEDED. Sounds to me like she just wants to be a part of DH's life, not the kids.
Daddys Gurl-
Life is as sweet as you sweeten it.
I Suspect
there's another motive at work here. Whatever the case, sounds like you and your husband need to have minimal contact with her. She's not apparently over the breakup, I would talk to him about agreeing to cut those ties with her. Just because he has kids with her doesn't mean she gets to be a part of yours or his life.
Like wearing pants 3 sizes too small
Who wants to be that uncomfortable at dinner? Not me, I would stick to my guns on this one Austin. I have also been with BM at social events regarding SD but I don't think I will be inviting her over for dinner any time soon. If there is some extenuating circumstance that everyone needs to be together for then that is one thing, but a "family dinner" on a regular basis is a whole other story. :barf:
~Evil
Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.
Confucius
thanks everybody!
Thank you all for all of your great insight on this. This forum was extremely helpful to me -- now I don't feel like such a meanie for saying no way.
You are not a meanie - just absolutely normal
Oh Austen, I could go on and on and on about how your situation and mine are similar (but I wont). I will just say that BF's EW likes the 'commune lifestyle' and thinks it would be just peachy for us all to be one big happy weird family. Not happening - EVER.
Does the ex wife have a new husband or boyfriend? NO! If not, then it is all the more like my life. My partners EW has stayed alone for 6 years now (even though she left him) and now she is bleeting to my soon to be inlaws that she 'should not have left him'. Do not trust her - EVER. Her motives are not in your favour.
BM on this end had same
BM on this end had same dilusions. DH said "no way." BM's BF has regular dinner dates with his first EX, their kid, and her new husband. So, it can work. I woudl be all for the dinner dates, so long as it was a "family" thing ... as in, I'm a part of this family too.
~ Katrina