I know we stay because of LOVE....but when I am at my worst with my SD and DH.....I know I am financially unable to pack my 3 kids up and leave. In a way I am stuck........does anyone else feel this way??
I agree. It just depends on what sacrifices you are willing to make.
hbell- it sucks sometimes really. I have thoughts at least once a month that I should pick up and go. Or tell him too that is.
Its an uncontrollable situation and I hate that worse that anything.
Thank you! I appreciate it; some days are better then most.....I think even being poor would be better sometimes for a bit; but then the kids would be so sad. It's up down - up down.
Kids bounce back. I was poor growing up, it sucked but I appreciate things a lot more for it. SO's kids are materialistic. I'm glad I wasn't raised spoiled like them.
Not that yours are, but don't feel too bad if you have to be poor for a while... to be happy.
I am feeling particularly honest this morning. We are always best at lying to ourselves, but lately, even I cannot deny that the truth is beating me over the head with a two ton boulder. I stay because I am weak and afraid and almost 40 and do not want to die alone in a house full of cats after being called "that freaky single lady" for 50 years in between. I am lucky in a way, I have a great job (although I am stuck in a bad position because BF doesn't want to move away from BM, so I should say instead that I have great job potential), and lots of money and no kids and am free and able to take care of myself. I have my health and supportive parents, and I am not horrible looking. I made a mistake 5 years ago by thinking that his man could balance a life with me and skid, but it seems that his ex still controls his mind, and his heart has room only for skid. Skid is a ball of blubber that sits in the basement playing video games. What a waste. I am a wimp, and thats why I am still here. BUT, we were supposed to meet wedding planners the other day, and I cancelled them all! Just couldn't do it. So I am weak and have wasted 5 years of my life, but realizing it is the first step. Maybe I am getting there.
Realizing it IS the first step! And this site helps!!
I realized I made a huge mistake, probably the second he stepped over my threshhold in shock for "losing his children." My gut was telling me NO NO NO!! And my "heart" was feeling sorry for him b/c after all, I was the straw that broke the camel's back (although he wimped along in a horrid marriage for 10 years "for the sake of the kids." TM)
So I figured this was my penance. And boy was there a lot of it. He sent all his money for the first 6th months direct deposited into the Behemoth's account and not a penny to me while under my roof and entertaining his children on entitlement sessions. I received hate letters from the Behemoth and he received them from his only full blood brother who sided with the Behemoth. Both he and I are being shunned. Him from most of his family as the Behemoth and her family launched an immediate "scorched earth" PAS campaign. Me from my parents as I was violating the cult's rules that I was brought up in; even though I had formally dismissed myself from such--living in sin is a big no no.
He now pays astronomical CS considering his wages and he is stuck for another 13 years. I've put up with his anti-Auteur, pro-Behemoth and skids agenda for eight years now. The skids have PASed out but the Behemoth still holds him in emotional turmoil. He has literally become physically violent with me in defense of his "angels" and his "beeeaaauuuuuuuuutiful ex-wife" and "WONDERFUL ex-MIL" not to mention the screaming and turning purple when I dared suggest that he not facing up to the Behemoth was his problem.
The skids are totally brainwashed to disrespect him and hate me even though I went out of my way to give them everything; much more so than my OWN bios received (who are now grown and probably resentful of the burden GG is placing upon me)
And now I foolishly bought a nightmare dump of a house after fixing up my house and selling it to be "closer to his kids." (TM) The only thing I have going for me is that he is a master construction worker and can do things that most other construction workers can't as far as fixing and designing although he contributes little to the bills. And that I"m not married to him and refuse to do so nor put this house in his name.
Little by little I"m fixing this house up and the moment his brainwashed to the bone, divisive, obstructionist children set foot again in my house without INTENSIVE psycho therapy, this house will be sold in an instant and we will part ways forever.
I have lost what little respect I had for him in the early years and frankly, I"m just going through the motions right now. Oh and BTW I"ll be 51 in November so it's never too late to make a life changing decision.
It's okay to start over when you are 51. I was 48. Had been married 27 yrs. I finally got out, actually it was thrust upon me. It was the best thing that could have happened. Our marriage had died many years earlier.
My SO is 180 degrees different than my ex. Honest, loving, caring, puts my needs above everyone else's. Is a great dad.
You can have it all. I have a good job and can take care of myself financially but it was a huge blow to me when I had to pay my house payment, car, everything by myself. I had to refinance but I grew. Like you my house will never be in his name. I will always have a home that is mine.
Now I know what a healthy relationship looks like. My SO adds to my life, he is not my life.
I have never been happier. It is good to be happy, Day to day life is so easy.
Your skids Auteur sound like a nightmare. I wish you well and hope that maybe your relationship can be renewed. But if not know that you will have a bag of tools now that you didn't have when you go involved in the whole step world. You will know exactly what you want and what you are Not willing to give up or put up with.
My first marriage was horrible. I was in college and 20 when I married. Young and stupid. Had my daughter at 21.
Now I choose everything. I will never be with anyone again that is not adding to me, and my life. I am willing to love with all of me, I expect the same thing in return.
Definitely financial. I was foolish enough to get myself financially entangled with GG. And I REFUSE to kill my credit AGAIN for the sake of a bad relationship or any man for that matter.
I agree here; but when you think you can rely on someone for the rest of your life; having children and making a life seems natural. Until you SD14 comes in and snatches from underneath you turning your life upside down; then you get STUCK for a bit - you find yourself in a comfort zone.
I left my husband after 12 years of being a SAHM.
I got a job, bought a car in MY name only, and moved on.
It was a struggle at first. Had to sell my home, move, and live like a pauper for awhile, but it was so worth it!
We are approaching 13 years; it is hard I know......I have all that; my own vehicle; half the bills half the mortgage; what I don't have is a place to go w/ three kids and a dog; I have NO family that would take all of us; and he would call the court on me before I took them and lived in a one bedroom apartment. I say stuck because I don't have enough money to run out and buy a three bedroom home. But I am happy for you - that you were able to do this; and maybe someday I will be ready.
Very very long story; in short SD14 came to live w/ us 1.5 years ago after BM washed her hands of her because SD SF hated her. And I am started to see why. The lies, the stealing, the sneaking out, the sex, the smoking, the way she causes fight between me and DH now myself and my BD. It is just so much I can't take it. She is ver disrespectful and hurtful.......DH just let it go for too long; now he sees it and is trying to get on top of it; but after so long IDK?? I just can't pick up w/ three other children and go.......not only would they loose a lot; I just can't afford it right now to be honest?
14 is where it begins... I swear there is something that happens at 14. I can't blame it all on puberty. I think it was just personality that was always there, but dormant from 4-13
So true 14 is an evil age. It might be younger now. My daughter is 29 and kids seem to be growing up faster.
14 and 18 were the evil years for my daughter. 14 because she figured out we really won't kill her. And 18 because she thought she was a grown up and could run her life. She had to be shown otherwise.
Which is exactly why I am in no hurry to marry my SO his kids are 11 and 14. Great now but we all know the teenage years can be so hard.
I want to be able to escape the insanity at my house. They stay with him when he has them and I stay home by myself...so nice and quiet.. best of all worlds.
If I don't think about her, my life is great! Instead of thinking about.. NOT thinking about her... I just force myself to think of all the good things in my life.
Well, I didn't stay with my ex-DH of 15 years for all the reasons we share on this site. I lost every scrap of respect I had for him as a man and as a partner. Leaving was hard but I don't regret it. I didn't realize until I left just how much I didn't love him - in fact, I didn't shed one tear (and I'm an emotional person). I was financially wiped out as a result of the divorce and I'm starting over but at least I have my self-respect.
Despite my experience, I'm now living with a man with 3 kids. I stay because he's a good man, steadfast in his commitment to his family, me and to us. And his kids are good kids who deserve a "normal family life."
I stay because I want a lasting love based on mutual respect and we have that.
YES! I definitely feel stuck. I'm not sure I'd stay if I wasn't pregnant again. All the things that made me love DH and ignore the crap for seem to be gone. I have no regrets regarding my own baby...he is the best thing that has ever happened to me, but if I wasn't too scared to go through childbirth alone and raise two infants alone, I'd leave. I still might. I feel like DH's life got sucked out of him with his last family, so now that we have our own, he's just tired. He's tired of working, and tired of life, and I'm not.
Is SD14 in counceling at all? At some point she may need to go back to BM. My SD12 is under the influence of PAS. She made our home life a living hell. She picked fights, ran away, punctured tires (6 to be exact), broke windows, threw out remote car keys ($165.00 a piece x2), cracked the roof of our pop up camper in three places and the list goes on and on...
We took her to court ordered counceling (because BM stopped the counceling when we saw there were issues)and we had to stop because BM will not pay her share of the counceling costs. BM also encouraged SD to run away, which both my hubby and I heard on the speaker phone. BM also called police on us and DCF. Of course they found nothing at our home inspite of BM's false allegations.
My hubby thought long and hard about his daughter and knew he was getting no parenting support from BM. He finally told his daughter to not come to our home because of her behavior. He felt that she was too far gone and estranged from us and leaned so heavily with BM's game playing, for him it wasn't worth losing our marriage.
At some point, you have to let go and let God (or whoever your belief is). You sound as if you love your husband. Then maybe the two of you need to think about what is best for your marriage and home.
When my SD12 was kicked out of our home, I cried because I felt she needed all the love and support to turn her emotional life around. I felt like we had failed and we were bad parents. Do I still feel bad? Yes, at times. But her brothers are happier without her, my home is much more peaceful and there is alot less stress between my husband and I.
I don't envy anyone with this problem, hang in there!
I do love DH; but all this has made me loose repect for him. 14 is a vital age for young girls; and I think her MOTHER should be doing it. But DH put a pfa on her SD (for slapping her) so she can't go home for 2 more years!!
We all know boys are able to do more then girls for some weird strange reason.....but DH treats her like a boy!! It is not okay for a 14 year old girl to be this open about her body and sex and all that stuff; but he just allows it!!
I have been ignoring her and him and looking at giving MY children MY love!
You shouldn't feel bad for this approach. It's called tough love. That's what I got when I was out of control when I was young and that's exactly what straightened my little butt out.
Just FYI, my grandmother married when she was 69-71 (she lied about her age alot ). She was in love and happy & enjoyed her "gentleman friend" until she died 10 years later. It is never too late nor are you too old to find love.
I ask myself this sometimes. Actually DH said to me the other day that he feels bad because he has brought so many problems into my life. It's okay for now - we'll see. In any case, I am enjoying taking BM to the cleaners at court and driving her crazy because she isn't in control anymore.
I agree. It just depends on
I agree. It just depends on what sacrifices you are willing to make.
hbell- it sucks sometimes really. I have thoughts at least once a month that I should pick up and go. Or tell him too that is.
Its an uncontrollable situation and I hate that worse that anything.
I hope today is better for you.
Thank you! I appreciate it;
Thank you! I appreciate it; some days are better then most.....I think even being poor would be better sometimes for a bit; but then the kids would be so sad. It's up down - up down.
Kids bounce back. I was poor
Kids bounce back. I was poor growing up, it sucked but I appreciate things a lot more for it. SO's kids are materialistic. I'm glad I wasn't raised spoiled like them.
Not that yours are, but don't feel too bad if you have to be poor for a while... to be happy.
I am feeling particularly
I am feeling particularly honest this morning. We are always best at lying to ourselves, but lately, even I cannot deny that the truth is beating me over the head with a two ton boulder. I stay because I am weak and afraid and almost 40 and do not want to die alone in a house full of cats after being called "that freaky single lady" for 50 years in between. I am lucky in a way, I have a great job (although I am stuck in a bad position because BF doesn't want to move away from BM, so I should say instead that I have great job potential), and lots of money and no kids and am free and able to take care of myself. I have my health and supportive parents, and I am not horrible looking. I made a mistake 5 years ago by thinking that his man could balance a life with me and skid, but it seems that his ex still controls his mind, and his heart has room only for skid. Skid is a ball of blubber that sits in the basement playing video games. What a waste. I am a wimp, and thats why I am still here. BUT, we were supposed to meet wedding planners the other day, and I cancelled them all! Just couldn't do it. So I am weak and have wasted 5 years of my life, but realizing it is the first step. Maybe I am getting there.
Realizing it IS the first
Realizing it IS the first step! And this site helps!!
I realized I made a huge mistake, probably the second he stepped over my threshhold in shock for "losing his children." My gut was telling me NO NO NO!! And my "heart" was feeling sorry for him b/c after all, I was the straw that broke the camel's back (although he wimped along in a horrid marriage for 10 years "for the sake of the kids." TM)
So I figured this was my penance. And boy was there a lot of it. He sent all his money for the first 6th months direct deposited into the Behemoth's account and not a penny to me while under my roof and entertaining his children on entitlement sessions. I received hate letters from the Behemoth and he received them from his only full blood brother who sided with the Behemoth. Both he and I are being shunned. Him from most of his family as the Behemoth and her family launched an immediate "scorched earth" PAS campaign. Me from my parents as I was violating the cult's rules that I was brought up in; even though I had formally dismissed myself from such--living in sin is a big no no.
He now pays astronomical CS considering his wages and he is stuck for another 13 years. I've put up with his anti-Auteur, pro-Behemoth and skids agenda for eight years now. The skids have PASed out but the Behemoth still holds him in emotional turmoil. He has literally become physically violent with me in defense of his "angels" and his "beeeaaauuuuuuuuutiful ex-wife" and "WONDERFUL ex-MIL" not to mention the screaming and turning purple when I dared suggest that he not facing up to the Behemoth was his problem.
The skids are totally brainwashed to disrespect him and hate me even though I went out of my way to give them everything; much more so than my OWN bios received (who are now grown and probably resentful of the burden GG is placing upon me)
And now I foolishly bought a nightmare dump of a house after fixing up my house and selling it to be "closer to his kids." (TM) The only thing I have going for me is that he is a master construction worker and can do things that most other construction workers can't as far as fixing and designing although he contributes little to the bills. And that I"m not married to him and refuse to do so nor put this house in his name.
Little by little I"m fixing this house up and the moment his brainwashed to the bone, divisive, obstructionist children set foot again in my house without INTENSIVE psycho therapy, this house will be sold in an instant and we will part ways forever.
I have lost what little respect I had for him in the early years and frankly, I"m just going through the motions right now. Oh and BTW I"ll be 51 in November so it's never too late to make a life changing decision.
THIS..... I have lost what
THIS.....
I have lost what little respect I had for him in the early years
It's okay to start over when
It's okay to start over when you are 51. I was 48. Had been married 27 yrs. I finally got out, actually it was thrust upon me. It was the best thing that could have happened. Our marriage had died many years earlier.
My SO is 180 degrees different than my ex. Honest, loving, caring, puts my needs above everyone else's. Is a great dad.
You can have it all. I have a good job and can take care of myself financially but it was a huge blow to me when I had to pay my house payment, car, everything by myself. I had to refinance but I grew. Like you my house will never be in his name. I will always have a home that is mine.
Now I know what a healthy relationship looks like. My SO adds to my life, he is not my life.
I have never been happier. It is good to be happy, Day to day life is so easy.
Your skids Auteur sound like a nightmare. I wish you well and hope that maybe your relationship can be renewed. But if not know that you will have a bag of tools now that you didn't have when you go involved in the whole step world. You will know exactly what you want and what you are Not willing to give up or put up with.
My first marriage was horrible. I was in college and 20 when I married. Young and stupid. Had my daughter at 21.
Now I choose everything. I will never be with anyone again that is not adding to me, and my life. I am willing to love with all of me, I expect the same thing in return.
Definitely financial. I was
Definitely financial. I was foolish enough to get myself financially entangled with GG. And I REFUSE to kill my credit AGAIN for the sake of a bad relationship or any man for that matter.
That's basically in a nutshell
Stuck is a state of
Stuck is a state of mind
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Very true.
This is exactly why women
This is exactly why women should be self supporting.
I agree here; but when you
I agree here; but when you think you can rely on someone for the rest of your life; having children and making a life seems natural. Until you SD14 comes in and snatches from underneath you turning your life upside down; then you get STUCK for a bit - you find yourself in a comfort zone.
I left my husband after 12
I left my husband after 12 years of being a SAHM.
I got a job, bought a car in MY name only, and moved on.
It was a struggle at first. Had to sell my home, move, and live like a pauper for awhile, but it was so worth it!
We are approaching 13 years;
We are approaching 13 years; it is hard I know......I have all that; my own vehicle; half the bills half the mortgage; what I don't have is a place to go w/ three kids and a dog; I have NO family that would take all of us; and he would call the court on me before I took them and lived in a one bedroom apartment. I say stuck because I don't have enough money to run out and buy a three bedroom home. But I am happy for you - that you were able to do this; and maybe someday I will be ready.
What is your SD14 doing or
What is your SD14 doing or that your finding yourself stuck with DH?
Very very long story; in
Very very long story; in short SD14 came to live w/ us 1.5 years ago after BM washed her hands of her because SD SF hated her. And I am started to see why. The lies, the stealing, the sneaking out, the sex, the smoking, the way she causes fight between me and DH now myself and my BD. It is just so much I can't take it. She is ver disrespectful and hurtful.......DH just let it go for too long; now he sees it and is trying to get on top of it; but after so long IDK?? I just can't pick up w/ three other children and go.......not only would they loose a lot; I just can't afford it right now to be honest?
14 is where it begins... I
14 is where it begins... I swear there is something that happens at 14. I can't blame it all on puberty. I think it was just personality that was always there, but dormant from 4-13
So true 14 is an evil age. It
So true 14 is an evil age. It might be younger now. My daughter is 29 and kids seem to be growing up faster.
14 and 18 were the evil years for my daughter. 14 because she figured out we really won't kill her. And 18 because she thought she was a grown up and could run her life. She had to be shown otherwise.
Which is exactly why I am in no hurry to marry my SO his kids are 11 and 14. Great now but we all know the teenage years can be so hard.
I want to be able to escape the insanity at my house. They stay with him when he has them and I stay home by myself...so nice and quiet.. best of all worlds.
Love this.. If I don't think
Love this..
If I don't think about her, my life is great! Instead of thinking about.. NOT thinking about her... I just force myself to think of all the good things in my life.
Well, I didn't stay with my
Well, I didn't stay with my ex-DH of 15 years for all the reasons we share on this site. I lost every scrap of respect I had for him as a man and as a partner. Leaving was hard but I don't regret it. I didn't realize until I left just how much I didn't love him - in fact, I didn't shed one tear (and I'm an emotional person). I was financially wiped out as a result of the divorce and I'm starting over but at least I have my self-respect.
Despite my experience, I'm now living with a man with 3 kids. I stay because he's a good man, steadfast in his commitment to his family, me and to us. And his kids are good kids who deserve a "normal family life."
I stay because I want a lasting love based on mutual respect and we have that.
YES! I definitely feel
YES! I definitely feel stuck. I'm not sure I'd stay if I wasn't pregnant again. All the things that made me love DH and ignore the crap for seem to be gone. I have no regrets regarding my own baby...he is the best thing that has ever happened to me, but if I wasn't too scared to go through childbirth alone and raise two infants alone, I'd leave. I still might. I feel like DH's life got sucked out of him with his last family, so now that we have our own, he's just tired. He's tired of working, and tired of life, and I'm not.
Is SD14 in counceling at all?
Is SD14 in counceling at all? At some point she may need to go back to BM. My SD12 is under the influence of PAS. She made our home life a living hell. She picked fights, ran away, punctured tires (6 to be exact), broke windows, threw out remote car keys ($165.00 a piece x2), cracked the roof of our pop up camper in three places and the list goes on and on...
We took her to court ordered counceling (because BM stopped the counceling when we saw there were issues)and we had to stop because BM will not pay her share of the counceling costs. BM also encouraged SD to run away, which both my hubby and I heard on the speaker phone. BM also called police on us and DCF. Of course they found nothing at our home inspite of BM's false allegations.
My hubby thought long and hard about his daughter and knew he was getting no parenting support from BM. He finally told his daughter to not come to our home because of her behavior. He felt that she was too far gone and estranged from us and leaned so heavily with BM's game playing, for him it wasn't worth losing our marriage.
At some point, you have to let go and let God (or whoever your belief is). You sound as if you love your husband. Then maybe the two of you need to think about what is best for your marriage and home.
When my SD12 was kicked out of our home, I cried because I felt she needed all the love and support to turn her emotional life around. I felt like we had failed and we were bad parents. Do I still feel bad? Yes, at times. But her brothers are happier without her, my home is much more peaceful and there is alot less stress between my husband and I.
I don't envy anyone with this problem, hang in there!
I do love DH; but all this
I do love DH; but all this has made me loose repect for him. 14 is a vital age for young girls; and I think her MOTHER should be doing it. But DH put a pfa on her SD (for slapping her) so she can't go home for 2 more years!!
We all know boys are able to do more then girls for some weird strange reason.....but DH treats her like a boy!! It is not okay for a 14 year old girl to be this open about her body and sex and all that stuff; but he just allows it!!
I have been ignoring her and him and looking at giving MY children MY love!
You shouldn't feel bad for
You shouldn't feel bad for this approach. It's called tough love. That's what I got when I was out of control when I was young and that's exactly what straightened my little butt out.
Just FYI, my grandmother
Just FYI, my grandmother married when she was 69-71 (she lied about her age alot ). She was in love and happy & enjoyed her "gentleman friend" until she died 10 years later. It is never too late nor are you too old to find love.
I ask myself this sometimes.
I ask myself this sometimes. Actually DH said to me the other day that he feels bad because he has brought so many problems into my life. It's okay for now - we'll see. In any case, I am enjoying taking BM to the cleaners at court and driving her crazy because she isn't in control anymore.