Ok let me get this straight, for his phone calls every night you HAVE to be home, but yet he doesn't have time for her on his weekends because he has a new life and his old one is over? I think I would tell him to FUCK OFF. Seriously, when you have plans in the evening, and he is to call when he goes off on you, ask him if he is thick in the head that his days of control over YOU are over. If your that scared of him, move the BF in, and get a restraining order. You are letting him control you still. Do you like this man? what he did to you? How he treated you and your daughter? If the answer is NO then get pist off finally and end the control. He has no right what so ever to tell you anything. You are not keeping his child from him or her from calling him when you get home. If anyone is hindering his relationship with his child its himself. Not you or her or anyone else.
Get mad, its time. My father was the same way, my mom after 10 years of abuse (verbal & physical) finally got mad and the relationship ended and so did the abuse.
You have the power to end the bull shit all you have to do is show him that you are strong.. You can do it I have tons of faith in you.

Happy

" make sure you tell the people you love most EVERYDAY.. Its important not only for them to know but for you to tell.. Life is to short to be miserable..

Just because he is the father of your child does not make him GOD.. I have your back. Don't let him do any of this anymore.
Let him call your house screaming, noone says you have to listen and noone says you have to answer the phone period. I would tell him that since its his decision to call every day at HIS set time. That from now on his daughter will call him when she gets home or wants to talk to him. After all he is just using her to get to you. I mean that is the only reason he calls. He is actually throwing in her face that he is spending time with his GF daughter. Well that screams to me, Yep see we could be doing all that but your mom left me... Not of course placing any of the blame on his physical violence, or verbal abuse, or his need for constant control. What an ass hole.. And if you were my friend and we lived close I would sure in the hell answer your phone for you and tell this man just what he truly is : A worthless piece of shit!
I am here for you when you need to vent. But you instead of taking his crap the next time, scream at him if you have to gt over his big mouth or just say you know what last time I checked I was not your punching bag anymore and hang up. If he keeps bothering you let the answering machine get it. Save all the threats and then file a restraining order against him.
I got your back. men like him just inferiate me. Probably because I see my own father in them. And that just pisses me right off...
You start tonight.
Oh and the reason you don't have a mean bone in your body is because he controlled you so much that you really did not have a voice anymore. He was your voice. He is an abusive control Freak... I am almost pretty sure that after you stand firm and stop letting him treat you this way, he will then start using his new GF as a punching bag.. Who else does he have?

Happy

" make sure you tell the people you love most EVERYDAY.. Its important not only for them to know but for you to tell.. Life is to short to be miserable..

You have some options here:-

1) Do you have any contact agreement (you know, holidays, weekends with your child etc etc)

2) Do you have a legal agreement about custody or maintenance payments etc

3) Whatever you have, it does not entitle him to use a phone call as a stick to beat you with. Just be in if it's convenient and don't worry otherwise. Invest in an answerphone. If you're back after he calls, always get your D to ring him so that he doesn't feel that she's not at least being courteous by returning the call (which is a good thing to teach her anyway).

4) If he pesters you, get BT to take your phone calls.

5) Your daughter is 12 and maybe it might be easier to get her a mobile. You can get it on Pay as you go, and most of them will accept calls even without credit now (e.g. Tmobile). That way, you can say he can call her and then he won't feel he is being avoided, and you have no need to talk to him either. If he asks your daughter to speak to you, you can simply tell him that he should ring on the landline and leave a message, or your mobile if you have one. Hell, get one *JUST* for him to ring you on, that way you don't have to worry about missing friends' important calls if you switch him off

6) Your friend. Was she friends with both of you, or him first, or you first? Or a friend of his new GF? If she was only your friend then you need to explain directly to her, that you feel hurt and you're not sure what's happened to change things. Remember, you may not like the answer, but you can only deal with it if you know what's what.

All the best
x

...and now i know that i am not alone. I have been reading the boards now for about 3 weeks, and i have to say it has been a Godsend. My feelings have been validated, and that helps a great deal. My ex is an evil being as well. He barely sees his children and when he calls he is as rude as rude can be to me. He does evil things to his kids like buying them Christmas presents and then taking them back because he doesn't want anything to come to my house, even though he never sees them but a couple hours maybe once every 2 months. Now he is going on his third marriage with a much younger woman, and my kids are mortified with how close in age they are with her. They are made uncomfortable around him because they are constantly sucking each others' faces and he demands total respect for a young woman who does not accept them or respect them in any way. I'm sure he is telling her lies that I won't let him see his children, but i have never stopped him from seeing his children. He keeps his phone turned off so they can never call him. We've been divorced for 8 years now and he has lost his job consistently 3 times a year, and so we see big lapses in child support, which causes a ton of stress and me and now my new relationship. He just announced to my kids, and he said it very coldly and harshly "say hello to your new stepmother, and be expecting a new brother or sister soon." They are upset to say the least. Of course, they know they have no choice but to love this half-brother or sister even though they are so confused as to why their father would make another baby when he can't even take care of them.

My DH is trying so hard to take care of my family and his own 2 biological children. He pays his child support faithfully, takes the kids any time she needs him to. He is the model divorced father, and when I think about the crappy ex that i have been dealt, i get angry at my situation, and I have to admit I have a hard time dealing with this. The feelings inside of me are awful ones, and the only way I can move on with my life is to forgive him. But how can i forgive him when he is constantly trying to do things to his children and me to make our lives harder? How can he move on with his life and leave us poor and destitute and then I'm suppose to forgive and move on? It's just not fair!!! This financial situation couldn't have come at a worst time. My job is sucking, I'm seeing half the money of what I used to make, and he stops paying child support. Now I'm becoming a burdon on my DH, and that is sure to destroy our relationship, because he stresses out about money like crazy. I'm tired of stressing about money! I've been a poor single mother for 8 years now, and this new relationship was supposed to ease that pain a little bit. So, 5 kids between us, his money is going out, and I'm not having any money coming in...it's crazy how things end up this way! Anyway, I'm getting long winded. I'll try to start contributing more now that you have heard some of my story. Thanks for reading if you got this far.

Jennifer

I don't know if it is. They say that having dad around after divorce is best, but so many men DO create new lives for themselves (I'm the evil new wife) and don't have an affinity for continuing a relationship with children. I know they've been conditioned to it since 1970 or so, but in my experience, it just isn't natural for them (no offense to BD's who do love their children despite crazy BM's).

In our own house, my DH is guilt-ridden (so he says) over his dwindling relationship with his kids a state away, but he never calls or writes or sends cards... so... actions still speak louder than words don't they? Or has something changed in the universe?

It may be time to cut your losses. Enjoy the new man in your life. Be the only parent your children have. My sister is widowed and divorced 3 times - she's had a harder row to hoe than most, but she's got 4 lovely children (ok, two are lovely, 2 are messy - one of the messies still has her dad in her life so...)

I think a lot of times (like in the case of my niece), scorned/jealous BD's use the kids to mess with BM with little interest in the child. Please recognize this for what it is (if that's what it is) and spare your child the agony.

Sorry if I'm too Machiavellian as usual - just my two cents.

Blueberry's Baby

You need to sort out the issues BEFORE you involve the new guy - it's not fair on him, and it doesn't demonstrate that YOU, not your new BF, mean business. What if you didn't HAVE a BF? Get the message to the Ex that he has no say anymore. Tell him that he is free to ring whatever evening he likes (providing not after daughter's bed-time) and if she's there and it's convenient - chat as long as they like. If not in - TOUGH. If he doesn't want to take her out, his loss - just suggest to your daughter that she asks him not to tell her about what he's been doing. I think your daughter will end up not wanting to see him and that's his issue at the end of the day. When all this is straight, you will be strong enough to consider what you want from your new BF, rather than mixing up all these unrelated issues?

Best of luck!