My stepdaughter wants me out
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My stepdaughter(17) wants me out, she has drawn a line in the sand with her mother. After 15 years she does'nt want to live with me anymore. I know she has many, many good reasons, but my wife and I are not ready to throw it all away. Latly my wife has become very codependent to her daughter. Chalk it up to trying to make up for all our mitakes and this being her last year at home. She turns 18 in March and graduates in May. At the moment she is staying at Gramma's and wont come home until I am gone. I don't want to leave my wife, what do I do, this is killing my wife.
Woody
This is your wife's problem.
I don't argue with children and I don't allow my children to make major, life-altering decisions for me. Of course, they are only 9 and 4, but even at 17 she's still THE CHILD and your wife is THE ADULT. This is your wife's decision to make. If she wants to live with her daughter and not with you, then they can move out. But you stay put. You stay put and you try to love your wife through this emotional blackmail. Your wife is really going through it because "her baby" is growing up and will soon be starting her own new life as an adult in her own right. Add to that the fact that daughter dearest seems to be trying to drive a wedge between the two of you and she's getting it from both ends. Try to be gentle with your wife, but at the same time, you simply do not let a 17yo child dictate your life, let alone your address. What happens in your marriage - as in whether you stay or go - is between you and your wife. Encourage her to keep your marriage between the two of you and to deal with her daughter separately.
~ Anne ~
"Adjust on the fly, or you're going to cry."
Steve Doocy, The Mr. and Mrs. Happy Handbook
My stepdaugther wants me out
Thank You................I just hope its not to late, my wife is hanging on by a tread.
Woody
I support you also
Your wife would not enjoy being married to her daughter, and that is what this CHILD if trying to force her to do. What will the daughter want after that, and who will take care of her mom, if you are not with them. Don't budge an inch on this, and please keep us posted.
Most Evil
"Fortune favors the brave" - Virgil
Why
does he dislike you so much??? What does she feel you have done???
My stepdaughter wants me out
She hates me. Why? Her mother and I like to drink ( not on a regular basis ) and I have been an asshole at times. Latly I have felt like I am living in a mined field, I have made the mistake of becoming too commplacent,when everthing is going good. The last big blow up was over a sarcastic remark I made.(which was wrong) It dont take much the wrong comment, sigh, or breathing diffrently. The anger starts in a spilt second and is off the chart.(10+) Even thought my wife and I have had a rough ride. We still were planning a long life together, but now I feel it is in my stepdaughter's hands.
Woody
Your wife has to decide what she wants
Does she want to allow her child to destroy her marriage? That is her decision, and nothing you can do will change it. I know that's not the most comfortable position to be in. If your wife is worried about "losing" her daughter, then that daughter obviously isn't worth "having." Would your SD seriously try this if you were her biodad? I doubt it. Whatever problems she has with you is between you and her, not between her and her mother. She is trying to make her mother take sides, but she will be gone in a few months and where will that leave her mother?
Perhaps
you both need to stop drinking. It will not hurt, and only help. You really need to start there. Personality changes (sarcasm & bouts of anger) are red flags of alcoholism. Your family might survive this crisis if you start there. Good luck.
Nasty nasty horrible little step D
I have 7 yr old step daughter who is a nasty battle ax with no respect for anyone. I nearly hate her . Almost as bad as my ex wife!
She is mean and nasty about everything to everybody. I wish I could discipline her! My own son was taught rightly and is a great kid. I feel completely helpless. I been married to my current wife for 2 yrs, and if I knew my life would be this miserable from a little girl. I would not of gotetn married again! We have a 1 yr old together and is my light of my life. My wife and I are both stressed and angry from the constant crap this little girl puts us through. The love we had for each other in the beginning got us through. Now, life is hell. I wish my wife would make her move in with her birthdad so we can get our relationship back. Is it wrong to ask my wife to send her daughter away for some time needed to gain some happiness back?
FROM THE WIFE
Woody has been an asshole for all of our marriage. Anytime my daughter and I come home after a good day together, he purposely says mean things to upset us, like he's jealous or something. He is an alcoholic, has beaten me, thrown things at me, cussed me out, put me down, told me off, for our entire relationship. My daughter has also had to put up with all of this. I have been too weak emotionally, low self-esteem, or I should have left him long ago. No child should have had to grow up with this; she is just now old enough to say "enough!" He has embarrassed me at my work events with his put downs and riduculing me; this has been a constant issue, especially within the last few months. My daughter has seen this and doesn't like how he treats me; then he is a sarcastic, mean, creep to her because she wants to defend me.
He repeatedly says that he "hates it here" and that he "doesn't have the luxury I have" because he doesn't work and I do. We (my daughter and I) are both so tired of this crap. I honestly don't feel anything anymore, and am trying to salvage my relationship with my daughter because it is my fault that I let him stay in our lives for so long.
If he cares for me like he says, then he should have been the one to leave, not my daughter, so things could cool off. But he is selfish and only thinks of himself; everything he does is done because he is controlling. He claims to do things for us but he does what he wants regardless of our feelings. It is only when things get to this point that he says he'll change.
These are not new issues; my daughter is just old enough to call him on all the bullshit he puts us through.
My daughter is not "dictating" my life; I have felt this way for many years but just buried my head in the sand and let it go on. I work long hours, go to the gym, and attend college so that I am rarely home with him. Call it denial, but I just haven't wanted to deal with it. I am so used to his meanness that I guess I don't know any other way to live. But it is NOT FAIR nor is it RIGHT for my daughter to have to take it. Actually, it's not fair or right for him to treat me this way either.
Just thought you all should have both sides of the situation. I have been codependent to Woody for so long; now that I have been doing my own thing and making friends and being busy without him, he is afraid of losing his cushy life since I don't cater to his every whim any longer. I am just glad my daughter is not doing it or she'll spend too many years with a man who treats her poorly like I have. Yes, there have been some good times but the negativity here overshadows all of them. I am tired of the 11th hour apologies and promises, the bouquets of flowers with sappy cards; they don't work anymore. He needs to be on his own so we can all heal. The wounds run too deep here, and when one of the 3 in the family doesn't really want to change (him), it's hard for the other 2 to keep up the charade.
The Wife
Wife - I'm sorry you & your
Wife - I'm sorry you & your daughter had lived with an alcoholic. My husband was an alcoholic for 27 years & b.c. he lost he job he found time for 30 days of treatment as he couldn't do it himself. It'll be 2 years in May. So naturally, I had to stop drinking too. Its been hard for me-esp on New Year's Eve & stuff like that. Maybe I was an alcoholic too? He was mean drunk and drove aggressively when smashed. Plus he was always passed out or puking, very unreliable to say the least. As his gf I was foolishy okay with it, from him being an alcoholic to getting on the wagon, I made due as a Codependent. So I know about ineffective flowers & apology cards... My advise, go to a Alon. meeting asap. And if he when he wants to quit, help him unconditionally.
One More Thing
BTW, my daughter and I spent almost the entire day on Saturday so she could get this one particular Christmas present for Woody. She was so excited to have found it; then he pulls his asshole act and she is crushed.
If the shoe were on the other foot and my stepson and my husband kept telling me that I was mean and treating them poorly, I would listen and work on myself. I wouldn't constantly tell them that they just interpreted me wrong, or misunderstood me, like it's their fault. (That's what he does -- my daughter and I ALWAYS take what he says wrong; he apologizes by saying "I'm sorry you took it wrong" like we're supposed to realize that his mean, sarcastic, low-blow put-downs weren't really what they were.)
The famous saying...
there are three sides to every story - his side, her side, and the truth.
Counseling sounds like a must here if anything is going to get resolved. I hear Woody being accountable for a lot of what "THE WIFE"'s accusations are.
I have to say, though, that BOTH are to blame for Stepdaughter not wanting to come home. Wife allowing the mistreatment for as long as she has can make her just as responsible. My ex treated me badly (to the extent that has been stated here, no beatings though) and I made the decision that I didn't want my sons believing women should be treated that way. So I left long before they were old enough to truly understand. I not only left for myself but for THEM as well.
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
I, the wife, am in
I, the wife, am in counseling. Up until a couple of months ago when I calmly told him that I would not longer accept his nasty behavior, Woody would never do counseling. Then he found one on his own and went a few times; he did seem to be trying. Then his counselor flaked on him a couple of times (double-booking appointments, not calling to say he was unavailable for a scheduled appointment) and Woody is back to his old, debasing self.
I should have left long ago for me and for my daughter, as you did Colorado Girl; my daughter should never have been exposed to this. I know my part in this, that I stayed and let it all happen. I am numb now to all of it, but I don't like seeing my daughter treated the way he treats me. It is a pattern with him, and it is not right.
I just want to bury my head in the sand but I cannot any longer.
step daughter
My boyfriend's daughter is going to be 15 soon. Early in our relationship I tried to be friends with her, but soon I could see that it could not work. He's got the crazy ex wife too. She was too jealous of me with her father and being an only child she was used to all of the attention. When my own two daughters came home, the situation worsened and she was constantly causing trouble, crying, complaining, giving us dirty looks and being selfish with her food. She even complained to her father that she didn't like him calling me "honey" or "dear" and one time they both asked me to call her "honey" and "dear" also. I said, no, I would not. He asked me if I liked her and I said, I know she's your daughter and you love her, but I know she wants to cause trouble for us, I wish her well though. The worst is when she wanted to sleep in the same room as us and then I totally put my foot down and said NO WAY. Now, life is good. I never see her, he goes to visit her and take her places and I must say it is the best way when you have a difficult child. Thank God she doesn't have to live with us and be involved. We did take her along on vacation with us last summer and she was snubbing us the whole time (me and my daughters) Lord knows we have tried to be kind, but sometimes, it just is not worth the effort.