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Need advice about gramma

MissyGirl's picture

Ok I need to vent and ask how I should be deal with this issue without causing bigger family issues.

I have been with my fiance for the past 5 years. He has a 15 year old daughter that lives with his mother (very long story there. She is a guardian, not court appointed, Michael still have full custody and all rights to his daughter). Michael is regularly in contact with his daughter and we go to all her sporting and school events which is almost every night of the week and sports private practices that are an hour away. I would say we do the "typical" heavy sports family events.

Molly and I have a good relationship, she respects me I respect her. I would do anything for the child, but I in no way feel that she is my child nor do I expect her to call me mom or anything along those lines. I do not have children (not possible, I will have to adopt and that is what I have known for the past 9 years-Its been difficult but I have had to learn to live with that. RIght now I am focusing on my career, I will adopt in a couple years). Mollys biological mother is not in her life because of Gramma. I would say she has no memories of ever having a mother in her life and Michael ex-wife(not Mollys mother) had nothing to do with Molly. I am really the only women that has been in Michaels life that has also been in Mollys life after diapers.

Now for gramma, I will try to be nice about this. She is very deceptive, will lie about anything to get her way, and is very narcissistic.She is a women that can cry in the blink of an eye to make you feel bad for her even if she is wrong.

We have had many issues over the past year or so, to the point that I really do not talk when she is around just to avoid any additional animosity towards one another. After a huge family fight, which I was not involved in, Michael was, it has come out that Gramma feels that I am trying to be Mollys mother. How do I explain to her that this is not my intention. I am not trying to step on her toes in anyway rather I only see myself as a female figure that is 33, which is closer to her mothers age rather then gramma at 73. I will admit that if someone says Molly go get your mom, I am the one they are referring to, I don't say "stop I am not her mother" I am just her fathers girlfriend. One I feel that is rude, two I don't think its anyones business, and 3rd and most importantly I do not want to her feel like that being her mother is the worst thing in the world since "her mother" is not in her life and "everyone else has a mom" or "why wouldn't she just go with it and not embarrass me". Molly and I usually just have a good chuckle about the mom comment though and life goes on.

I greatly understand that gramma is jealous that we get along so well and that we have a good relationship, that she likes spending time with me and doing things with me, I just feel like Gramma is destroying this relationship by putting excessively harsh comments in her house.

I need to make this point short and quick before she starts her sniffles or go f-yourself comments.

Any thoughts would be great.
I know I am rambling so if you need elaboration.

MissyGirl's picture

Oh my sorry! I didn't use real names though.

Yes GM has always had a possession issue with this child. She is married and has a healthy mobile women, but is obsessed with the grandkids so much to the fact that her first child moved to another state just so she would not be an on hand gm as it was interfering with his and his wife's relationship.

Yes I absolutely agree, this is my problem and I am stressed out about it. I do not want there to be an issue. She has not liked me since day one. I do not want their to be a problem within the family because of me. I would like to confront her before it gets worse and explain this is not my intentions and that she needs to get over it. If she is not going to "grow up and act like an adult" then I am not sure how involved I want to be in the relationship anymore which is exactly what she wants.

The fight really had nothing to do with me initially, it escalated and I got thrown under the bus as a gramma diversion. It started out as a family business issue.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

I don't know of a single mother-in-law and daughter-in-law who gets along in a way where the MIL DOESN'T do or say or act in a way that is either subtly (or not subtly) trying to wrestle control of either the son or grandchildren from the wife. For some reason, they believe they have an absolute right to their adult child and any grandchildren produced regardless of their behavior.

Seriously. There's gotta be a biological reason for this. Yours is worst case scenario where the grandma probably wants to be mom.

Anyway, my only advice is this: let your husband handle his mother. As long as she doesn't cross any boundaries with you, you are not to deal with her at all. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

MissyGirl's picture

He defended me, but I don't want their relationship to be a bigger problem then it already is because of me. I am looking for a solution to something I don't think should be a problem.

MissyGirl's picture

Yes per say. SO didn't date much and dil only met exwife and me. DIL bio mom, he was not married to, she had 2 previous children before SO then dil, SO and biomom lived together and he was raising dil and her two other children. MIL didn't like her one bit, considered her trash essentially, they fought a lot while SO was at work to the point she was also like I do not want to be in this relationship anymore. She was sticking it out trying to take care of 3 kids while this lady was giving her 2 cents about everything and she was getting more upset. SO was fighting with both of them obviously he couldn't take both sides, I don't know the whole story, other then biomom called SO at work and told him the she took dil and kicked her out of the house; why she did not call the police I am not sure. SO got full custody after going through the court system. His daughter lived with him until 5th grade, she is in 9th now. It started out as SO was having to leave for work at 5am, so GM was coming to the house and staying with her until the bus came and would pick her up from the bus stop until he got home at 7 or 8. Then she wanted her to just stay at her house because she did not want to drive 1/4 of a mile down the same road to stay at SO house while dil slept. At that point he gave in as he felt bad that we was never there and that gm was having to watch her, so he would have her on weekends only. Then GM decided they were going to go do activities on weekends to cut SO out of the picture completely. He has been trying to get her back from gm since 6th grade and every time she pulls the crying card. GM essentially had her playing every sport and school activity so she has something to do every night of the week. We go to everything, never missed a thing so he is still involved she essentially just does not sleep at the house. By the middle of 7th grade he quit that job and started taking lower pay and working near home.

IMO, she got remarried late in life and she wanted a "kid" with the new husband when their children were all at least 35.

The age aspect comes into factor in many ways, one example of many: About 6 months after dating SO gets a call from dil asking if I would call her asap, now this was a first. I called her, she started her period and told gm she needed pads, gm had a freak attack coming from a generation of "hush hush...it was a bad thing" then went into a long conversation on pads with straps from 1960 then refused to go get her pads then and gave a a wash clothe. DIL never had the girl talk and thought the bleeding was only 1 time once a month, needless to say she left the house without a pad and that didn't go well with gray pants on. Her embarrassment and lack of knowledge was not needed, I'm sorry it just wasn't. She already developed breasts, she should have gotten the talk of some sort.

I am not trying to be mom, I am just trying to be someone she can relate too.

The mom comment came on a couple of weekends when I took her to soccer tryouts. I filled the paperwork out for her to try out for the team, after the tryouts when you make the team, the coach says go get your mom. I don't feel the need to have to point out that I am not her mother. When she made the teams, I shook the coaches hand got all the information and stated that the decision would be made between her and her father and left it at that. When she was on the team then its, this is my dad and this is , not this is am my mom and dad. Gramma does not go to these and is not involved other than going to watch the games.

IMO, in gm eyes, I am good enough to drive her to tryouts across the state and to make food but nothing else (when its convenient for her).

MissyGirl's picture

Another example I have to point out that I don't understand.

Thursday we all went out to dinner (me, SO, SIL, GM/GPA, BIL and gf). I had just worked 14 hours, I was exhausted and had a rough day at work. SO and I got to the restaurant first. He sat on one side of the table I sat on the other so SO and SIL could sit together and he could be on the end and I would be across from them. The other 5 walked in together. GM said sit by your father. She said no I am sitting next to . I got a death look. SO glanced up and said sorry, GM looked at him and said knock it off. At this point I am ready to leave. DIL grabbed another chair and just sat at the end of the table and took a piece of paper out of her pocket and asked if I could help her with her honors geometry homework. Not even 5 seconds after the paper came out GM screams across the table (in Olive Garden which was packed and everyone looked at our table) "WHATS THAT". By now dil is getting an attitude with gm and gave her teenager "its geometry" in an angry voice. I told her to chill, breathe, and a comment that I always use to calm down. I grabbed the notebook out my purse and wrote instructions how to do an inverted Pythagorean theorem problem that was square rooted. GM once again screams you better not be doing her homework.

I'm biting my tongue...DIL said "no shes not". GM yells you better not be lying to me. DIL gets up walks down to the table and showed her I gave her the equation step by step. Then she did her homework and I checked it to make sure she did it right and made he understood exactly what she was doing for her test the next day.

Whats the problem? I just don't get it?

I sit at the table and get absolute death looks by the 4 at the end of the table for helping with homework...shaking head.

Rags's picture

I am not sure that if I were you I would tolerate a partner who abdicates and outsources his parenting responsibilitties to his mommy or who tolerates his mommy being manipulative, abusive, and toxic towards his mate.

Why exactly do you tolerate this situation both from your DF and from his mommy?

I really would not give a crap what the orbital influences are. What matters is what this toxic mommy does and that her kid tolerates it as an adult, a father, and partner to you.

IMHO of course.

Good luck.

Acratopotes's picture

pffft simply tell GRanma - I'm not here to take any parenting responsibility over molly, you've been doing a great job, if you need my help, I'm here to help you and then let it go.

You might not have a bio mum but you still struggle with the same shit we do... BM in form of MIL.