What's Normal?
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So I am trying to figure out if I am overreacting by immediately being irritated with my daughter's SM. She doesn't speak to me, engage with me or discuss anything with me regarding my daughter. However, she will do things like take her to get her haircut during summer visitation. Even after I specifically state that we have a hair appt scheduled when she comes home...so that they won't do that (as they have done this before). Should I just be happy that's it done or annoyed that her SM went ahead and took her and didn't discuss with me first? I don't think I really would have cared if we could have just discussed it first....but as I said before she won't even speak to me. Just trying to figure out what's normal?
I absolutely refused 100 % to
I absolutely refused 100 % to speak to, see, engage with or meet my fiancé's ex wife.
I wanted literally nothing to do with her under any circumstances.
She's not his wife, she doesn't get a say in our life whatsoever.
OP, where is your ex- in all
OP, where is your ex- in all of this? He is the one you divorced. He is also equally this child's parent. SM married your ex-husband. She signed on to be her husband's partner and be supportive of him and his children. She didn't sign on to having to answer directly to her husband's ex- and be put in a position where she gets to feel like she has to cater to another woman (doesn’t matter if you are BM or not) in what is her and her husband's own marriage. You may not look at it that way and some others may not look at it this way, but apparently, she does. And since this is her and her husband’s household, what she feels is what matters and not what another woman or man outside their own household feels.
How do you deal with your kids' stepmom? You don't. You and your ex are the co-parents. There is no reason for you to set ground rules with his new wife. Her role, as step-parent, is the same as any other adult that your co-parent allows around his kids. Which is, they support the parent's (in this case, dad’s) position. And, it is important for you to realize that your ex-, the children’s father is there and agreeing to or allowing (which is the same as agreeing to) any actions that go on in his and his wife’s home. So, if there are ground rules to be set or things that need to be said, it is with him and not her. It is your ex’s house, his rules (and if he lets her make rules, that's his prerogative). The time will come that you and the stepmom are at a school event or something together. It will be awkward. Be polite and make small talk if you can manage it. That's about it.
Dad is already the parent in the home. He is in charge, control of his children while they are under his care. If you think you just "have to" say something, you take it up with your ex-. He bears pretty much full responsibility for their care while they are in his home. He is a man and their father. He has a mind of his own. Whatever goes on in his home, as a parent he is allowing. SM isn't going around sprinkling mind-control dust on his cereal every am.
I personally think it's a
I personally think it's a good idea for the SM and BM to communicate if they're both reasonably sane, but I guess that's based on my own experience. I'm a girlfriend, not a stepmom, but SO and his girls live with me. SO's kids seem to have less of a loyalty bind since BM and I do communicate from time to time and they think BM and I are friends (we're not, except on FB, but we're civil). However, I totally understand that some SMs don't want to talk to the BM, and vice versa. If they don't want to, they shouldn't be expected to, as all communication can go through the bio parents.
As for the haircut . . . your daughter's father can get her hair cut. He can do it even if you already have an appointment for a haircut when she returns and you'd prefer that he not do it. As for being irritated at the SM, do you know it was even her idea? Maybe your daughter's father wanted it done and the SM just took her. In any event, it's just hair - it grows back - so I wouldn't get too excited about it. Just be happy that it's done! My SO and I have taken his older daughter for haircuts, but I'm pretty sure he lets BM know he's planning to do it beforehand. She's perfectly happy to let us do it because then she doesn't have to pay for it.
SM and your ex husband get to
SM and your ex husband get to parent their child in their home. Just say thank you.
A little finer point is that
A little finer point is that her father is the one you should speak to...but as her father he does the parenting while she is with him...including getting her hair cut if that is what he thinks needs doing. He can ask his wife to take her...and his wife can participate in caring for her if that is what he wants her to do. Now if she is abusive or something harmful you have a right to speak up to her father or CPS. But a haircut is not too horrible...but speak to her dad if you want to try to ask him to not take her.
I agree. I don’t think it’s
I agree. I don’t think it’s right of OP to point her finger at SM. If she had a hair appt schedule she could mention that to exdh in a note.
Actually I think the haircut
Actually I think the haircut thing is a bit sensitive and I think it is often deliberately provocative, although yes dad does have 'the right' to do it, I think it's pretty crap of SM to do so. But in the end, it's only hair, it grows back. I like the reponse given above thanking SM for doing it - that might put a stop to it.
I tried dealing with BM... I
I tried dealing with BM... I got cussed out for my efforts... She may just not want o deal with it... So. Much. Drama. So instead of trying, she’s just pre-made the decision to not let you take up headspace. A positive, you don have to deal with her either. Women are naturally territorial imho. So it’s best both stay in their own territory.
i don’t know how long summer visitation is. However as he’s her dad, he’s in full rights to get her hair cut if he decides she needs it. So I’d just ignore it. Nothing abusive, if it doesn’t look bad, then no worries! That’s one less thing you have o worry about!
You don't mention past
You don't mention past actions, behavior, or interactions, so it's hard to gauge what would be normal in your situation. I've been an SM for over 7 years and my first interaction with BM was at SD18's graduation a month ago. I'm sure BM thinks that her behavior over the past 7 years qualifies as normal and she probably wonders why I don't have anything to do with her, yet I'm heavily involved with the skids (they have been with me and DH either full-time or 50/50 their whole childhood). But, her interactions with DH used to be extremely dysfunctional and is only better now because DH stopped being a doormat and perhaps she matured a bit. She didn't understand boundaries with DH and would repeatedly call him if he didn't answer his phone, then she would repeatedly call the skids. There are clear reasons why I do not communicate with her at all.
Anyway, if your kid's SM seems like a reasonable person who does nice things for your kid, maybe you shouldn't take it personally. If your DH has her all summer then it's his responsibility to care for her, including haircuts. I will tell you this. When SD was 11, I would spend hours with conditioner and a comb pulling the mats out of her hair, because she never brushed it. Her dad and BM would threaten to cut her hair off, but I understood because as a kid I also didn't take care of my hair, so my mom always kept me in short hair. If your daughter is with them all summer, you don't know what's going on. Maybe they had good reason to get her a haircut. Find out first, before getting upset.
I am pretty lucky that my
I am pretty lucky that my kids SM and I get along well. Try reaching out to her and thank her for the hair cut... Throw in that maybe next time you guys can coordinate and pick out her hair style together and that you would really apprecitate if those were the kinds of things that we all work on together.
It might work, it might not... but if you don't try it for sure wont.
I don't speak to my husband's
I don't speak to my husband's ex. She is irrelevant and quite frankly, uninteresting since she is a stay in bed mom. I also have zero interest in her kids. My interest extends to minimizing the disruption skids create in my life. Women don't marry divorced men with kids because they are excited to take on the responsibilities of being a parent absent the love and authority. They marry the man and deal with the baggage that comes along- very unwanted baggage. If you have an issue, discuss it with the other parent. Not every woman wants to play mommy just because she has a uterus.
Word.
Word.
GF or wife? There can be a
GF or wife? There can be a difference.
The OP didn't exchange marital vows with her husband to having to answer directly to her husband's ex- and be put in a position where she gets to feel like she has to cater to another woman (doesn’t matter if it is BM or not) in what is her and her husband's own marriage. You may not look at it that way and some others may not look at it this way, but apparently, she does. And since this is her and her husband’s household, what she feels is what matters and not what another woman or man outside their own household feels.
Generally speaking, if a GF sets the stage for being treated like a concubine, then the odds are highly likely that that is the way she is going to be treated even if or when she marries her "one and only." Then it will become "two and only," as in husband 1st, BM second and SM ___?