What would you say to my dh?
Hi again. I am currently in therapy for so many of these thoughts and worries and I have to say releasing pain and anger is so good for me....
But one thing I cant change is who my husband is. He is an avoider-he will avoid all confrontation and give in to almost anything to avoid stress/conflict/any thing that could upset someone else even if it means forgetting about himself or his wants or his own feelings. Maybe in a way its good that he can let things go and just go on with a nonstressful or confrontational life but it also puts me in a position where I feel like I have to lead him. If that makes sense?
I love him dearly and he is an amazing father to our toddler. I know he does most things I ask in avoidance but at times in the rare times we fight he will bring up things he disagreed with but never said it!
I truly try to encourage feelings and tell him to please not just agree with me to make me happy. I dont want to control his every move or plan every single thing!
Anyway-where im getting is when I met him 11 years ago he was a total push over to bm.she would let him know when he could see the kids-and there were many weekends that she would say he could have them, we would make plans and she would take them in the middle of the weekend-she would tell him how much money she wanted and he did it! I remember hearing their convos and he would agree with every thing she said...then he got seriously injured in a car accident and couldn't work within a year of us dating. She withheld the kids for several weeks due to not having an income and getting the money she wanted.
I was the one who pushed him to go to court and they got visitation and child support all on a court order. Things went well after that as she actually followed it! I would constantly remind him to call the kids and constantly be the one who made all the plans, parties, vacations gifts. I honestly will always cherish those very fond memories.
I stupidly made friends with her and for a good 5-6 years things were literally perfect. Co parenting, happy kids, happy adults. About 4 years i got pregnant and everything changed. It went wayyy downhill from there.
Anyway the oldest who is now 16 decided she didn't like me anymore when her mom started to dislike me(stupidly took a job together). She made up false allegations of abuse(immediately thrown out) & then admitted it snd then did it again!! I told my dh that there's no way I'm being involved anymore with my 3 year old pulled into this mess. I actually demanded professional counseling...everyone refused so I let it go for a bit and tried to talk and try again.
Now the in laws got involved. The newest lie is that dad verbally abused us as small children and made us feel bad about ourselves. My MIL was texting me saying that she totally agrees and saw the yelling. I was there too! He yelled yup. So did I. After co parenting ended their mom said "whatever happens at your house is no longer my problem". We used to have all parenting fpllow through at both homes...so they would come over make demands, argue and it was just aweful. I started to dread the visits. Then if they got their phones taken or sent to their room they would refuse visitation and mom stopped caring!
My dhs attorney said at that age, preteen years, you can't force visitation so we never went back to court.
Now my husband is so hurt because his own parents (my in laws) & his sister have all gotten involved saying how horrible we are to treat them like this(I now again require professional help) & that they are acting out(tonssss and tonsss of hate mail telling my husband he's dead to them and a horrible father). We have both now blocked all in laws and step kids.
My dh hasn't spoken to bm in years.
Its a huge mess but honestly I am enjoying the peace. I used to constantly cry when they would refuse to visit or say mean things. I truly loved these kids and i feel like my counseling is
Helping me heal through all of this. I want to focus on being a better mom and a healthy mom! That's all I want to do now.
My dh is now again asking for my help...asking me how to handle his family. He doesnt want conflict with his parents but its very clear they would rather listen to my stepkids side than the adult side.
I have nooo idea what to even say. I hate being the one trying to guide him when he asks.
What would you do?