What would you do in this situation?
I've already decided to take a step back, breathe, and let go. Let my husband handle this with his daughter. It's not my place.
But . . . that doesn't mean I'm not curious about what you all would do!
The situation: my husband's former wife has not showed up for her weekly visit with her daughter in months. This week the excuse is that she's going to a movie with her friends on visit night.
So my question is: if this were your situation, would you (or your DH) tell the child why her mom is not showing up? Is there any benefit to her knowing? Or is it just going to cause her pain? Is my husband doing his daughter a disservice by choosing never to tell her about her mom's flakiness? Or is he wise to keep it easy-breezy? Usually what happens is his daughter asks, "Do I have a visit with Mommy today?" and he replies, "Not this week, honey, but we're going to take the dog for a nice long walk on the creek" or something like that.
What would you do in this situation?
How old is the child? I think
How old is the child? I think that you can tell the child without going into specifics or making the BM sound like a horrible person with words or tone. You know, like: "Sorry hon, mommy isn't going to be making it this week." If the child asks why, which she will probably do, redirect to mom: "You'll have to ask your mom that. BUT we ARE going to do x, y and z instead! Doesn't that sound like fun?"
This way, you are avoiding the slippery slope of Parental Alienation. The child will be able to develop her own opinions of her mother as she gets older and will see her mother for the truth of her MOTHER's actions, not the bad stuff being said about mom from dad and dad's wife!
Thank you, misSTEP, this is
Thank you, misSTEP, this is exactly what we've been doing. We will continue. My husband's daughter is nine. I know how terrible PAS is for children and my husband and I never want to do that to her. Like you said, patience is key! Thank you for the support.
Reminds me of something I read by Buddhist teacher Pema Chodron, who says that patience is "fearless non-aggression." I like that.
Yes, lavender75, I agree.
Yes, lavender75, I agree. It's best not to say anything to the child and to trust that in time, she will see things clearly for herself.
My husband's daughter also makes lots of excuses for her mom. I totally understand why - it's hard for her to love us and feel loyal to her mom.
I agree I wouldn't tell her
I agree I wouldn't tell her BM is a flake, BUT I would tell her things that help her realize BM is a flake. Here's why:
BM did a lot of things with/about DH to alienate him from SD after they divorced. SD was only 2. Now her version of reality and the actual version of reality are completely different. BM refused to spend money on SD so if she wanted to do an activity DH had to pay for all of it. Sometimes this was not realistic and he would ask BM to split it half and she would refuse. So SD would not be able to do said activity. Then later BM would blame DH and say, "If it wasn't for DH, you could be doing that activity."
You don't want SD thinking DH is keeping her away from BM.
So I would totally report to her, "BM said she can't come and get you today." You don't have to be mean about it, just matter of fact.
That's a good point. I think
That's a good point. I think my husband usually says something to that effect. I'll check with him, though. We don't want her thinking we're keeping her away from her mom, that's for sure. Thanks for your input.
CheriWilson, BM admitted
CheriWilson, BM admitted openly that she wasn't going to spend any money on SD because, as her "father," DH should be fully responsible for all her expenses. It wasn't a matter of couldn't pay, it was a matter of wouldn't pay. And this is at the same time BM was telling SD she needed to get into club volleyball that cost $1400 and that, as her "father," DH was responsible for paying for ALL of it. And, if DH asked BM to pay half of something that was her idea, BM refused and then told SD it was DH's fault she couldn't do the activity.
DH paid for SD's daycare because he needed it in order to work. BM left her there on BM's days even though BM didn't work, then she refused to pay for it and DH couldn't afford to have the place kick SD out, so he paid for both of them to have her in daycare. DH paid for ALL of SD's educational expenses to attend a private school even though it was a joint decision by BM and DH to send SD there.
Sorry - I disagree with this.
Sorry - I disagree with this. DH pays $874 per month for CS for one child. He only brought home about $4,000 a month (before taxes) when he was married to BM, which isn't much in CA. He has struggled since that time due to the economy and how hard hit his industry was. BM sat on her ass for 21 years, waiting tables for extra spending money if she felt like it. Now, she is a secretary and has actually submitted court paperwork stating that she refuses to work full time (he also gives her $500 a month spousal support). Assuming that BM is fully capable and required to equally support her child, that is a total of $1748 to support one kid. He quit claimed the house to her and she refinanced so that her entire mortgage is $610 per month. She should ABSOLUTELY be able to support their child with what she gets from DH, plus what she should be contributing. Instead, she sits on her ass for years, working part time, collecting food stamps, having us buy most of his clothes and shoes so that he isn't embarrassed in school. I know ALOT of BM's that are absolutely capable of supporting their fair share of the children, but who don't, and then bitch that CS isn't enough. Yep - CS is not enough to support BM too. It isn't intended to.
Thanks again, AnaR. My
Thanks again, AnaR. My husband always leans in the direction of being gentle with his daughter and he never says anything negative about her mom around her. For just the reason you say: he doesn't want her to feel rejected. Given time, it will be clear to her which parent is always there when she needs it.
As for talking with his former wife, that's a good idea. However, I don't think he will. She takes any input as a personal attack (even when my husband is thoughtful and kind). She makes everything about herself. Her daughter's well-being gets lost in the shuffle, sadly. I think we'll just enjoy the extra time with my husband's daughter and leave it at that!