As Stepmoms we are told that we can do everything for the step kids (be the maids, cooks, drivers, sometimes the only person the kids can count on to be there for them. Heaven forbid if there is any decision to make, and recognition or gratitude to be given, we then become non-entities.

When I want time with my husband, I am dividing our family and isolating husband/and his children. When husband or step kids want visitation by themselves, they just want one-on-one time together and I am being selfish if I see it any other way.

When husband makes decisions about step kids without considering or consulting me, he is just being a good dad who is the man of the house. When I make decisions concerning issues with step kids, it is proof I don't care about them s though I am supposed to be a non-feeling, non-being in my own home letting the very children I have become the main parent to do anything they want but I am supposed to be okay with it.

When I emotionally reach out to step kids, I am being pushy. When I keep my emotional guard up against them, I am uncaring, hateful and unloving towards children that have showed me so much hate and disrespect in the first place.

When I am hurt by their rejection, hateful/angry words or actions towards me, I am being unrealistic and lacking sympathy for what they are feeling. When I am indifferent to how they act or treat me, I am accused of not liking them. When I tell husband how difficult I find this situation with step kids and bio mom, I am accused of wanting him to never see his children again. When I keep it all to myself, I am accused of not being honest with him.

When I question or express unhappiness with husband's way of dealing with step kids and bio mom, I am "attacking" him. If I don't express unhappiness, then I am deemed to have accepted everything and have no right to complain afterwards as I "didn't say anything" when he told me about it.

If I question husband about what is happening with step kids, bio mom, or his feelings I am being nosy and pressuring him. If I don't, he doesn't tell me anything and I have no right to be upset when things are sprung on me at the last minute because I "didn't ask".

When I treat them like my own children, I am overstepping. When I treat them like someone else's kids, I am not trying hard enough to blend our family. When I focus on my bio kids, I am favoring my children/our child over steps. When he favors step kids, it is justified because he sees them less because of his work schedule, and I am just being unreasonable and jealous.

When I have expectations for step kids’ behavior in our home, I am being mean and picky. When I leave this to husband, I am not helping or supporting him enough, and NO action is taken because he “doesn’t feel it in his heart” to carry-out something we have agreed to.

When I try to encourage husband to talk to and meet with bio mom on issues, I am shot-down, told she won’t listen so that means we have to put up with her games and her lies. When I leave him to get trampled on by his own children, I have "no right" to complain or second guess all decisions that affect our home.

So...as long as I am completely passive and allow everyone else to dictate the terms of this family (step kids, bio mom, husband) and manage to just love it all no matter how I, or my kids, get treated in return….. as long as I just give and give with no expectations…..as long as I honor everyone else's feelings and decisions but make, and have, none of my own then it should all work out just fine, right?

Is it too much to expect of our spouses to show a united front not only to his children and ex-spouse but to his family as well? Shouldn’t it not be a given that their children need to learn to respect us and our home, and realize we need to be supported when step kids try to walk all over us and berate us?

Husband and bio mom need to not be “Disney parents” who let their children walk all over them and other adults for fear that the children won't want to see them, or the child might become displeased. Children need to learn they have limits and they have to respect other adults no matter how unfair they think their situation is. Teachers and day-care providers are given more respect than stepmoms.

It's been a ride but I think I am finally putting my 21 years as a stepmom to rest. I realize so much about myself and the situation I have been in.....the sense of obligation, the desire to treat everyone equally and overlook more than I should, trying to forgive and forget time and time again, always trying to be the gentle force behind my husband while not being heard and wanting to please him. The non-stop issues of a bio mom who was not present but wanted to try and intimidate me and make me look like NOTHING so she could wear the badge of mom even though I was raising “her” children. The stares and the evil looks, hateful words and defiant actions, being cursed by stepsons who were allowed to do as they pleased, being told I was hated and they wanted me dead. What was I thinking?

It was too much but I never stopped trying; trying to make a family out of two broken families. Always thinking that somehow everything I was enduring would one day be worth it. Ending up on anti-depressants, in counseling, using food and alcohol to take away the pain only to see my own sanity teetering on the edge.

Many say that people treat you the way you let them. Well, I kept fighting....fighting for what I believed was right, standing alone at time not understanding those who felt it was okay to look at life as "anything goes" and "all is forgivable by God," or “they are boys.” So that means we are not to try or guide, set limits and have consequences for inappropriate actions? Gee, let's hide our heads in the sand!

For me it took getting to a very low point before I finally got a back-bone. No longer was I trying to “get along” for the sake of anyone. I saw these people who wanted to sweep issues under the rug as if they never happened as weak and evil, only focused on themselves, lacking compassion and understanding for what I had been thru, what my daughters had endured and I felt nothing but pure hatred for these people. I realized these weren't my friends, they weren't there to support me or my family. A bell went off in my head realizing no relationship lasts that's not mutual.

In my mind I took this big black marker and I drew a mental line (boundary) that I knew I would never let them cross again. I told my husband that I would have nothing more to do with his family (sisters), and I gave his sons one more chance with a warning from me to husband that I saw nothing resolved and when the boys started popping off with their disrespectful comments towards me once again I would draw that boundary line for them as well.

Needless to say that day came and I was finally able to release the boys without guilt or feeling of obligation to them anymore. I feel I have actually freed myself from a very evil presence in my life, almost like cutting cancer off my side.

I feel now I am finally moving on for me!