What does this say to you?
H and I had an argument recently which was just kind of like icing on the cake so to speak. I've decided to leave and planning my exit. I cant take any more and I almost feel like hes been pushing me away, maybe hoping I would leave. I haven't told H yet, not sure if he's figured out I'm gonna go or thinks we will just carry on like this. Of course there's a million complications to leaving, cant just pack and leave. One huge problem is we have joint custody of 2 of his grandkids. I've become nothing more than the maid and nanny. I have custody but get no say about things, he makes all the decisions and I lose every time I try to do anything. In leaving I'm going to relinquish custody. I feel awful for these girls but I just cant do this and I am not going to try taking them with me. So while I feel like he wants me to go, he also knows if I do he's on his own and CPS will step in and take them. I have an appointment with an attorney coming up to figure out how to do this.
Anyway...things are already just miserable and we have this argument. I had already made plans to go to my sister's after Christmas and went to visit for a few days hoping the break would help me feel better. After I'm back I tried to talk to him. Asked if he thought things could ever be any better. Said he doesn't know. I asked if he knew anything we could do to make it better, he replied no. I asked the big question, can we go to counseling or something, his reply was HELL NO, NOT GONNA HAPPEN. Later in the day I texted asking if he had given it any more thought. Reply was again NOT GOING TO COUNSELING. I then texted that I just don't know what to do, my sadness is intense, living in this deep dark hole everyday is unbearable. His reply was "I'm not ready or willing to discuss anything now or in the future".
Really not surprising for him to be so cold but it was one more hurt piled on all the rest. I didn't know how to reply to his last text but sent one last message telling him he doesn't ever have to discuss anything with me, all he does not say speaks volumes.
Since then he has acted like nothings up. No comments, no questions, just nothing. I went back to my sisters last weekend while he was off work and left him to tend to the girls and house alone. Not a word when I left or when I came back. Just business as usual around here and seems like hes just fine with that.
Trying not second guess him because I never can, and he wont talk about anything other than the news, totally at a loss as to what he wants.
He wants to ignore the issue
He wants to ignore the issue and not have to deal with his own or your emotions. Is this a change in behavior or has it been going on for years?
I am glad that you are planning an exit route. You cannot help those that do not want to help themselves.
That was my XH
He was too chicken to pull the plug himself, he waited for me to do it.
Lots of bark, no bite.
Sounds Like Mine Too
Mine too. He was too much of a coward to end it, so he treated me like trash until I couldn't take it anymore. So I left. There was no trying to work things out with him, nothing. He wasn't having it, he would just answer me "I don't know" when I asked him about our future.
"I don't know" ended my first
"I don't know" ended my first marriage. To this day I cringe when I hear "I don't know" in reference to important questions.
Of course that is not in reference to trivial questions but as you indicate your X did when queried about your future together.
Infuriating and definitely can end a relationship.
super cold
yeah. narcissistic to the max. you are not important as anything more than a wife appliance.
Good for you - you probably needed more incentive to cement things.
Also good for you that you are lining up the ducks.
Sorry you have to go through this pain. It really sucks!
Not really new I guess. He's
Not really new I guess. He's never really been much for talking about feelings, avoids anytime he can. He used to talk to me some tho. And when he wanted help getting custody of the girls of course couldnt shut him up about how this would all go, how much he loved me, how we were a team, blah blah blah. I've realized tho it was all lies and he's just reverted over time. He charmed me in the beginning and once he had his hooks in me I was sunk. I think once we had custody he felt safe just being his real self, thinking there was nothing I could do but take it whatever he and the rest of his bunch dish out. I've felt trapped and stressed and depressed and overwhelmed and confused for so long. Taken a long time to see which end is up but I've found it. Unfortunately, these 2 little girls are the ultimate victims of this whole mess, their drug addict parents, manipulative grandfather (my H) and now I'm gonna leave too.
I've wondered if he is
I've wondered if he is secretly hoping to get out of raising the grandkids but can't dare say it. If I leave then it's not his fault, he and SD and the rest of their trash kin can all blame me. I'm finally to the point I just don't care if I'm blamed and I don't think H and I are exactly the best choice for raising them. I'm amess after being with their grandfather. He is a narc. Gas lighting, manipulator that really doesn't seem to care too much about anyone outside his immediate family. Even those in his little circle are always at risk of his crappy BS. Love is very conditional with him.
I am sorry to hear it has
I am sorry to hear it has come to this, between you both, but I fully support your decision to leave. I tried for years to get my ExH to address the issues in our relationship, but it fell on deaf ears, and he wouldn't go to counselling with me. In the end I started seeing someone else and announced to ExH that I was leaving. All of a sudden he was asking me to go to counselling with him, phoning my brother trying to enlist his help in persuading me to stay with him. God knows why because his behaviour towards me for years had suggested that he hated me.
It's a shame about the children, but you can't sacrifice your whole life for the sake of not disturbing theirs. They are not your responsibility, and if your husband is not willing to work with you then he's the problem, not you.
Why do you assume he will
Why do you assume he will lose custody of his two grandchildren if you leave? I'm guessing that the state would still see a blood relative as preferrable to foster care if the parents are not fit.
You can lead a horse to
You can lead a horse to culture, but you can't make them think. You're are absolutely making the right move, and I encourage you to put the whole situation in the rearview mirror. He has made his position clear and your departure will make yours clear. When/if he wants you back because things become too hard, simply reply "I'm not willing to discuss anything now or in the future. HELL NO, NOT GOING TO HAPPEN." Best of luck to you. Be well.
From the sounds of it your H
From the sounds of it your H doesn't want to remedy and fix the marriage. All suggestions that you have brought up to him he has knocked down and to be honest he simply doesn't care. I'm glad that you are seeing your marriage for what it is, and getting your ducks in a row. Plan your exit strategy and get the hell out of that toxic environment. You have given all you could, there is nothing left to do...especially since he's not even making the effort to make it work.
Your conscience is clear and whatever happens to your H and his grandkids is on him. You get to walk away, start a new chapter in your life and have a sound mind. Living like this drains you and it's not healthy to continue on this way. Place yourself as a priority for once and save yourself. This marriage has been over a long time ago and now you have the courage to pick yourself up and live your best life.
Wishing you much love, peace and healing.
(((HUGS)))) Its good that
(((HUGS)))) Its good that you have the guts to see this for what it is. My guess is he figures each day is status quo. I am sorry---but also happy for your too.
You know, I have seen my fair share of CPS cases where Grandparents found themselves in the same boat. Kinship care/guardians of the kids OR allow foster care to take over. I can still see their faces--most of the GP's looked the same. It was not elation but despaired...How on EARTH or Why on earth can we do this?? We are close to social security age but now we are running to PTA meetings?
I personally thought GP's as little kid guardians is not a good idea. CPS would be better off with placement of age appropriate kin. AND give them the siphon until the kids age out. Grandparens often say ---nahhh we dont need fiancial assistance. Better to take the MAPS course, qualify as Foster Parent and go that route IF GP feels compelled to raise the kids..
Sorry--off topic. Your husband will figure this out. Of course you feel awful for the kids. Hopefully the courts will allow you to cut ties. You wrote your legal custodian? For real...oh boy, before you pack bags---PLEASE talk with a lawyer. You may be fiancially responsible for the kids until 18????
Where bm and birth dad TPR'd by courts?
Depending on what your lawyer says...trips to your 'sisters" may be the smartest route to take.
Please keep us posted.
To me, this says your
To me, this says your marriage as a true and loving partnership is over. And your husband is an ass.
Sweetie, you have to go what's best for YOU. Life is too short to be this miserable. Your H has finally shown you what he's all about and it's not a very attractive picture.
I hope you will not be on the hook for CS. {{{hugs}}}
I am sorry to hear what you
I am sorry to hear what you are going through, it is perhaps the worst feeling when you are made to feel responsible for your partner's kids (grandkids) and you give all you can for them but then you are not given any power in decision making or are left out or taken for granted in any other decision.
If you want to leave I would say there is nothing stopping you (the kids welfare is not your responsability) otherwise if you want to give it a try then I would sit with DH and tell him that if most problems are arising from grandkids (and his attitude towards them and you regarding them, and not wanting to go to counseling) then you will just disengage from the grandkids. Perhaps having him deal with his grandkids without your help can be a good option for him if he likes to make all the decisions and for you not having toworry about them, or he may decide to try and fix that part of the relationship if he appreciates your help.
You are absolutely making the
You are absolutely making the right decision to leave. You cannot sacrifice your whole life for others. You deserve to have a good life too and this isn't it. Don't you see he just wants you for a free nanny, maid, sitter, ATM, taxi service, and sex partner? He has little interest in your needs, wants, and happiness. Sure these people are always nice in the beginning but it never lasts.
I know the marriage is
I know the marriage is totally over. I've known that for a long time but stayed because of the grandkids. Have felt trapped because of the kids. They are so little, baby is 2 years old and older one is 3 1/2 years old. The manipulation has gone on for so long I have just been swallowed up in it. I've always blamed SD for losing her kids but this is also H's fault. I have handed him the brass ring so to speak. I was fully committed to helping him raise these girls but it was based on his representation that we are a team with a marriage worth fighting for. That SD would have boundaries, that he loved me and valued me. But reality is I am only the maid and nanny. We don't even share the bedroom anymore...I've been sleeping on the couch or living room floor for a long time.
Some of you asked about the custody....yes H and I are legal custodians. It is legally possible for me to be on the hook for CS. While I certainly hope not, I'm leaving anyway. The courts can't force me to stay married to H or to maintain custody. The parents, OSD 37 and her BF 32, are drug addicts living that life. No jobs, living with his mother, legal issues, warrants in multiple counties for all kinds of crap (FTA for court dates, unpaid fines, driving without a license etc). BF just got out after 20 days for OVI which occurred 18 months ago (he skipped on court dates twice so they held him this time). He pled guilty, they suspended any further jail time, and fined him. He'll never pay so they'll do a warrant block for his license on the unpaid fines....um, dude hasn't had a license in years and warrants in 2 other counties for unpaid fines for driving under suspension. It's like that all the time with both. SD on probation in 2 counties which she does nothing she's supposed to. Counties won't pay to go pick up non-violent criminals held in another county so they just skate. No CS order on oldest Gskid with us. Parents voluntarily signed custody over to us. They signed paternity waivers but dad's name never went on the birth certificate. CSEA here demanded a paternity test before setting up CS. Well, duh BF is not gonna come in for that and they have never summonsed mom to come in for a CS hearing. Other gskid was born in different county and placed with us thru CPS after we hired a lawyer to get her out of foster care. They set up CS. BF has warrant for unpaid CS for the baby, they haven't ever summonsed SD for her unpaid CS. SD is also thousands behind for unpaid CS for her 2 older kids that each live with respective paternal grandparents...courts have never done anything to her for that either. H refused terminating their rights because it "would just break SD's heart to do that". Its a mess. H requested no set visitation, just at our discretion. They visited 11 times during 2019. H lets them nap during visits and bring other lovely people if they want. They show up late, no show a lot too,..H never says a word. They have visited for as little as 30 minutes one time and as long as 4 hours another to get their nap in. H has a bad habit of not telling me that SD called to change plans and I'm sometimes sitting there with him expecting them to show up at a certain time. He already knows there not coming, but oops he forgot to tell me. I forgot is a popular comment around here.
The manipulation is awful. When I've tried to set boundaries or say no to something I'm bad and wrong. By the time H would get done with me, what started as me saying something like "honey I don't think we should just let them nap" would end up with me apologizing because I'm making things harder on H and don't I see how much he's hurting, blah blah blah. Or some other 'wrongdoing' of mine that has nothing to do with anything.
There aren't too many arguments because H always says whatever he needs to make me shut up. But I've been speaking up more. The recent argument was about SD calling to say she was excited to come spend the weekend which I knew nothing about. Apparently H told her she could come while I was at my sister's but forgot to tell SD it was a secret. Then he lied to me saying she had just asked and he hadn't given her an answer yet. Reality...they had been planning this for a week and he was gonna go behind my back. I did well tho, kept redirecting back to the topic, didn't cry, and stood up to him. But that when I pretty much knew I have to get out.
Sorry so long, once I started typing it all just kinda spewed out.
I've met H's exW, seen her 3
I've met H's exW, seen her 3 or 4 times. She lives about 30 minutes from us. All I've ever heard from H and SD's is the ex is a worthless cheating drunk. But they all lie so much I don't know what's true. I don't think she's ever seen the baby and only seen the 3yr old maybe 4 times. H says the way she is he has to keep her cut off. I don't know if she wants to be involved or not. If H treated her the way he has me, I can see why she may have cheated. And if SD's treat her the way they treat us and our home (use us up, steal, lie, etc) well I can see why she is not too involved.
No one in H's family has ever helped or been knvolved with these gskids. My family has all helped out a lot. My family has all taken them in as part of the family. But nothing from anyone on H's side, nothing nada zilch.
SD's are both fixed now far as I know. No new pregnancies thank the heavens above.
My family has been so supportive. They've all been amazing. My sister checked at her work about open positions and put in a good word for me. I got hired part time to start out and fit it around H's schedule on the weekends till I'm outta here. They'll put me on full time or close to it whenever I'm ready. I'm so excited about that, I've missed working so very much. And my sister has also offered me a place to stay for as long as I want. Its just her and her BF and their fur babies...my neice is grown and on her own. We all get along really well and are great friends. I get the entire upstairs at their house which is almost like having an apartment of my own. Very quiet and private and a big comfy bed. I started taking a few things over last weekend to my new home. That feels so nice too. Here with H, it hasn't felt much like it's my house. I've kind of felt almost like I'm homeless (not on the street homeless of course) but without a place or space I could say is really mine for such a long time.
I was going to wait until I see the attorney to tell H, but just couldn't stand it anymore. I told him today that I'm meeting with a lawyer next week to relinquish custody and file for divorce. That I'll know then how long I am legally required to play nanny but he needs to start making other arrangements. I finished it up with... In the meantime I will be here on your work days and at my sister's on your days off. It was amazing *yahoo. I was very calm, matter of fact, direct, and specific....so very relieved that it's all out on the table.
Now just to cope with leaving these little girls. They're more than a handful but I do love them.
PROUD of you!
Rock ON! I loved reading about moving some stuff to your new place - that is fantastic.
Congratulations on your FREEDOM!!
Good for you. How did he take
Good for you. How did he take it? I hope he doesn't try to manipulate you into staying.
Non-responsive to the news....
About the only thing he had to say was to say Huh? at one point so I had to repeat the part about finding out from the lawyer how long I have to stay involved being his nanny. We have custody of 2 of his grandkids so I have to get legal help to relinquish myself as custodian.
He didnt argue, gripe, complain, beg...showed no emotion whatsoever.
Of course the guilt is going to be put on me pretty heavy but I'm prepared. When I tried to talk to him recently about things his response was that he's not willing to discuss anything now or in the future". So that will also be my reply when he starts his crap. Time for talking is over.
I'm more than done and my eyes are wide open. Blinders off!!
Good!
Good!
Thank you
Thank you all for the input and support.
A life of my own again, on my own terms.
Awesome