What do I do when the Bio Mom won't see she is a HUGE part of the problem
I have been with my soon to be husband for over 4 years. He has 2 kids a 7 yr old girl and a 5 yr old boy. Until about a year ago there were NO issues as all. I fell in love with them just as fast I did him. They are amazing children and I am grateful to have them in my life.
Now, my SD has her moments but nothing out of the ordinary..she tells me everything and we are very close. Then there is her brother: He is stubborn, rude and disrespectful at times and he is 5...even having recently kicked his teacher because she was not paying attention to him. If he does not get his way he pouts...BIG TIME. Now I understand kids will be kids but this is too much.
I truly believe the reason he is still acting like a 2 yr old who wants his way is because his mother treats him that way. Now my fiance had a problem getting past the "he's my baby" thing too but has really seen lately how it is affecting him in his school (4 months ago he was almost kicked out of VPK for throwing things, yelling at the teacher and slamming chairs). I have been saying this for over a year and now it is bad. No matter what we try and instill at our home as soon as he returns to his moms its right back to being babied...and I am not exaggerating: while at his moms he does not have to shower himself, wipe himself, feed himself or help in any household chores or even clean up his own toys and when he throws a fit...he gets his way and there NO consequences. UGHHH now he has no respect for women and it is a daily struggle - he is now in trouble or being scolded all the time and I would like just once to have a night without my SS acting like he is the king of the castle. I am really starting to dread the days he is with us and this makes me feel like horrible person.
You can't change the BM.
You can't change the BM. There is no point in even trying.
What can change is your boyfriend.
You need to make him see that he is hurting his child by babying him. Get the book '7 worst things parents do' and see that he reads it. Number one, as I recall, is baby your children.
Thank you I will certainly
Thank you I will certainly get that book..but as I stated he has not been babied by his father in quite some time. the issue is the inconsistencies in the two households. but maybe the book will have some tips for that as well.
You can't do anything about
You can't do anything about the inconsistencies and really, most experts agree that consistency between the households isn't even necessary.
Children are perfectly capable of understanding and accepting 2 different sets of rules and expected behaviour in 2 different households.
There are many who believe that it is GOOD for children to be exposed to 2 different lifestyles. I agree with that to a certain extent.
My SD7 and SD5 are totally helpless with their mother. They can't/won't do a thing for themselves. At our house they dress themselves, get their own breakfast, pickup after themselves, do other chores, ride bikes w/o training wheels, roller skate, tie their own shoes, etc but at home they do none of these things. Their mother still dresses them and even puts their shoes on them! We see this happen, it's not just them telling us.
The important thing is to be consistent IN YOUR HOUSE. Every sanction for behaviour must be the same across the board, each time and with each child.
A powerful statement.. "You
A powerful statement.. "You can't change the BM."
Alot of your statements sound familiar.. Although my SS lives with me (the BM has supervised visitation which is supervised by her parents)My SS still had them wiping his butt for him. But we pressed on and held to our convictions and praised him for doing things himself..eventually he liked the "big boy" stuff and knew he could only do more if he continually progressed to more and more BIG BOY stuff by ACTING like a big boy. They still treat him like a baby sometimes.. cause he is afraid to speak up to them. Just create a healthy enviroment in your home and the rest should fall into place. I also recommend some counseling if you feel that may help..
Because alot of times what we perceive as rude and disrespectful is a cry for help..
"Parent as if the other
"Parent as if the other parent is out of the picture"
This was the advice we got when DH and I went to the Parenting Coach. Because DH and my parenting philosophies were VASTLY different from BMs (as in- we actually HAD rules and consequences for our children), and because BM was not interested in co-parenting (in fact, she undermined everything we attempted to do with the girls,) the Parenting Coach told us that we needed to parent as if BM was NON-EXISTENT in our lives when the girls were living with us.
BUT- DH, because he was their father, needed to be the primary enforcer of these rules and consequences! HE needed to drive this effort, not me. And I, on the other hand, needed to enforce those same rules and consequences when it came to my boys.
Please keep in mind, that your SS is five- these types of aggressive behaviors need to be addressed now and not just brushed off as things "that boys do." They can quickly escalate into problematic antisocial behaviors if they are not corrected now.
Best of luck to you!