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Wasted efforts with Bio Mum?

MrsDaisaku's picture

Okay so things have been a little tomultuous recently with the Bio Mum when it came to visitation, but thankfully we have now come to a compromise which has made us alot happier.

Since then i thought it would be really beneficial if we all started making more of an effort with Bio Mum. Bio Mum was nice and allowed us to swap weekends for my daughters birthday, (the SD's are a little young for what we had planned). But we still wanted to see the SD's on my daughters birthday as she adores them. So Bio Mum brought the SD's to her party but didnt want to stay for tea or coffee. I can understand that she probably feels a little intimidated and uncomfortable, but every effort ive made to try and be kind and inviting has been met with excuses to disappear. Perhaps i should be thankful for this, i'm not sure?

I'd personally (and perhaps selfishly) like to build some sort of a relationship with her, to a point where she doesnt feel that i'm trying to usurp her place or undermine her. Just have a friendly relationship would be so nice for the SD's and our own personal stress levels. If she knew me a little better perhaps she wouldnt come to false conclusions about me. Should i just give it more time?

Jsmom's picture

Do not do it. It will backfire on you. A lot of the mom's on here have tried and it rarely works.

iwishyouwould's picture

Thank your stars that she simply dissapears and is civil. If that is all youre ever going to get out of her, then you are a very, very lucky woman.

MrsDaisaku's picture

When i say friendly i dont mean to the point of having dinner with her and her boyfriend. Just to the point where she could feel comfortable in our company, have a nice SD's interact with me.

iwishyouwould's picture

I dont know your situation at all but speaking as someone who deals with a woman who has harassment issues, boundary issues, volume issues, irresponsibility issues, undiagnosed mental issues, no inner monologue issues, (and the list goes on and on..) etc etc. I will tell you that if BabyMomma would be civil, get kiddo and then leave and give us kiddo back and then leave, and interact with her child in an appropriate manner... I would send her a hallmark card and flowers. BM is letting you know what she is comfortable with, she is letting you know what her boundaries are. Be happy that she has boundaries and maybe the rest will come with many many years and maturity.

MrsDaisaku's picture

You have a very good and valid point. I will continue to be friendly towards her. I havent ever forced anything, in fact my partner pointed out earlier that ive always kept my distance. I wont push anything thats for sure!

iwishyouwould's picture

I'm sorry i didnt mean to hog your blog.. I have the reverse situation from you - i stayed out of it for years and the BabyMomma would drag me into something, when i finally did meet her as a courtesy, she was rude and hostile... just a little jealous of someone who deals with, at least a semblence, of sanity : )

MrsDaisaku's picture

My BM doesnt have those issues, so for that i am blessed. But she does have the 'everything should be done my way' attitude, so we can get the flack for that alot. I'm at the least very grateful that we get a break from the BM, i in no way ever want to live in her pocket or become best buds. Just encourage a more comfortable atmosphere when we pass over the children and on special occasions. Perhaps i didnt make that particularly clear in my first blog.

You have my sympathies tho, i'm on beta blockers because of my BM (and other things), i dread to think of the pressure yours must put on you.

Synaesthete's picture

BM for us is friendly and civil - like someone else said, it isn't like we're going out for coffee together or chatting on the phone daily about what we're up to, but we can be friendly and civil. The odd time we'll reply to a post or status on each others' Facebook pages. The goal is that if Dh isn't home and she calls about the kids, or during pick ups and drop offs, her and I can chat without it being awkward.

Some people feel more comfortable having NO contact, some people feel better with a lot of contact and some people are in the middle, like myself, who are comfortable with a moderate, familiar level of contact without it being over the top or invasive into each others' personal lives. The boundaries are in place, and if she oversteps them we will politely let her know.

IMO, you should keep doing what you're doing. Keep being civil and friendly and, I know you said you aren't so I'm more just repeating but, don't try to force anything. If she wants to speak more comfortably over time, she'll open up a little on her own. If not, civil is ALWAYS good, for you, DH, BM and especially the kids.

pat's picture

you are right for thinking that way. My gf, tryed to make friends with my ex. Only to be TOLD what to do and how to do it ! Now they are enemies because of the way ex still talks to me. With that said no to little contact is the only way to go , period.

pat's picture

That is in a perfect world. Most bio and step parents don't get along. It is a constant battle of garbage. Life is too short to try to make everyone happy. She does what she wants when she is with them, and I do what I want when they are with me. Makes life calm without all the drama.

countrychik's picture

I can tell you from past experience...IT DOES NOT WORK!!!!!! I am in the mind set if it will benfit the child then so be it, I will suck it up and give it a try. After all they are ultimately the ones dealing with the broken home situation. I invited BM to a birthday party in which all SD's friends would be in attendance. I thought to myself "how great for SD, her dad and her mom will be there she can introduce her friends to both and maybe even if only for a few hours feel "normal". I even included BM on my social networking sites, I have nothing to hide so I really didnt care what she saw. Let me tell you this, ultimately when things get rough, you will be portrayed as the bad guy!!!!!!! Regardless of how civil you try to be with these people, you MUST remember, you are an outsider, an escape goat for everyone involved!!! The only thing I can say is PLEASE dont get your hopes up. Things will go good for a while, just be prepared when it starts to go down hill you dont take it personally.