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Toxic things SD did that i should have seen as red flags

Someoneelse's picture

So, these things seemed so miniscule, but now i totally think they were red flags! Everyone was telling me that i was imagining this

I want to preface this with Sd17 is a horrible toxic person... if you need proof go read some of my posts...

So back in the day all the kids would get up and eat breakfast, but then one of the DDs would have to use the restroom, but as SOON as sd realized anyone was going to use the restroom she'd RACE them to the bathroom and "go to the restroom". I put quotes around it because sure she'd pee, but then she'd sit there, for over 20 minutes, and the other kids would knock on the door and ask if she's almost done, and she'd say, "almost" and another 10 minutes would go by, meanwhile we have 2 other children NEEDING to use the restroom... she'd come out with a big smile, and i asked, "Did you at least spray?" She's like "no, i just peed."  .... so you made people wait for 30 minutes... for you to pee? You RACED them to the toilet so you could take 30 minutes to PEE?

After this was an issue a few times, she was no longer allowed to use the restroom first, she had to wait for everyone else to use the restroom.  And all if a sudden her bathroom trips were less than 5 minutes... funny how that works...

 

Something else she would do was manipulate situations. She'd be so mean to the DDs and when they would try to come tell on her, she rush to "tell" first, and contort the story so that when DDs would tell what happened it didn't match up... it wasn't until it was cought on camera that we realized what was actually happening.  She was cought on tape pushing youngest DD, then DD pushed back, and SD pushed again, dd grabbed the camera to come tell on sd, but sd rushed in first, we saw on camera what happened... SD was lying, she denied pushing at all... (both girls were reprimand for pushing)

 

Sd would literally cry for the simplest things, she'd fall from 1inch height on her butt and cry hysterically. She was stirring pasta and she was taking the spoon to the sink and a drop of water landed on her finger and she cried hysterically. She refused to learn to ride a bike because she'd throw her feet out to the side (instead of keeping them in the pedals) and fall over, and she SCREAMED blood curdling screams every single time she fell... I think of all the times she fell, there was 1 scraped knee... so then we bought her knee pads, elbow pads, wrist guards, and of course she always had her helmet. She still screamed blood curdling screams when she fell. This being said, I got so tired of her crying over the simplest things, me telling her to stop being so mean to DDs, like she's always trying to start fights, so I told her to "just stop" this girl literally just stopped. Yes I told her to, but what child actually just stops crying on command like that?  This actually kinda scared me... like this girl can be having a complete melt down sobbing hysterically and then like a snap, just stop? Seems almost like a psychopath... 

 

When telling them goodbye (like they were all spending the night away), SD would rush to give the first hug, then when I'd make sure to give my high anxiety DD a hug last, SD would come back around and give another hug. So then I'd give my daughters a hug again, AGAIN making sure my high anxiety daughter got her last hug in (it made her feel secure). SD always tried to "get the last hug"... but i wouldn't allow it. 

My family told me I had to stop being so hard on her (I was never hard on her, I would just vent to my parents), then finally they saw it themselves. It was always in a sneaky and manipulative manner, so unless you KNOW what you're looking at, you wouldn't see it.  DH STILL falls for it 90% of the time. He's ALWAYS wanting to give her the benefit of the doubt... but I'm ALWAYS on guard with her.  99% of everything she says/ does has a hidden motive behind it. 

 

AlmostGone832's picture

Some universal truths in Stepland that I noticed in your post:

1. Daddies almost always give the maximum benefit of doubt to their princesses. You have to smack them in the face with the truth and back it up with a court case full of iron clad evidence for them ti believe your side.

2. The Stepmom's family usually will feel sorry for the poor COD and think you are mean until they see it for themselves. The father and his family will rarely take your side over the skids.

3. Your instincts are almost 100% correct. She DOES have an ulterior motive. Don't let other people tell you what you are seeing.
 

Someoneelse's picture

I'm just hoping by putting this out there, that someone else will learn from this and know that there are red flags, and that they aren't crazy when they see these things. 

CLove's picture

She is manipulative (like her mother), and lies and is toxic, but is far less sneaky than YOUR SD. Shes very "clunky" and obvious about things. Like eyeroll obvious. Oddly enough it used to actually sort of work - DH would admit "yes this is what is happening and this is wrong", but then change it over in the next moment, almost like a little brainwashed.

Shes a "repeater" who takes a grain of truth, rewrites it and twists it for her own purposes, then repeats it so she convinces herself then others of the veracity of her tale.

SD15 does a sort of a 'baby talk' high voice that sounds very childlike, when her 'being real' voice is deeper. Her gig is "Im the nice one that everybody should trust  and like", and shes generally nice. Her gig is shes gotten real good at playing victim so everyone will rush to her defence. And I just stay out of the way and step way back. And tell her that she will be happiest being independant.

Rags's picture

as my SS's GrandMothers.  We would vent with my parents about the SpermClan, particularly about SpermGrandHag who is a hell on wheels harpy.

My mom was convinced that the Hag could not be that bad and was just a caring involved GM.

I wonder why the SParent's own family tends to be defensive of the ill behaved Skid or the toxic X of our mate?  Hmmmmm.

Meanwhile back at the ranch and 14-ish years into the CO period, my parents were visiting us for Christmas SS's Sr. year of HS.  SpermGrandHag called to set up visitation travel, my wife told her what the Hag would have to do, the Hag got pissed and went on a rant against my DW. My mom was shocked at the vitriol that was pouring out of the phone from the Hag. It was so loud that my DW was holding the phone away from her ear.  Mom took the phone from my DW's hand and shut the Hag down in short order, then hung up on her.

The Hag called back immediately ranting, mom hung up on her.  That went on for a few minutes until the Hag calmed down and began working with my DW more calmly.  For years my DW would make all of the visitation travel arrangements and pre-pay for the round trip tickets to help the SpermClan keep their travel costs down.  We never were concerned about the costs of returning SS home.  A few $hundred here or there was not a knee bender for us.

After years of accommodating them and bugging them for their half of the travel cost money we informed them they had to make their own arrangements one way, and we would make our arrangements for SS's return trip home.

My mom will still occasionally apologize to my DW for failing to recognize that what we had been sharing with my parents over the years was as bad as we had shared.  12 years after SS aged out from under the CO.

Harry's picture

Your SO, has to be seeing this and taking the easy way out.  Not to parent his DD and setting her straight.  It's easier to sit back and let DD get bullied. By SD,   This is the first and the major problem.  SD think her BF is ok with her acting this way.  Because he actually is ok with it. 
Untill you Re education DH. That this has gi stop asap  or you are going to show him and DD the door.  You can not live this way.  You are the adult, not SD. It's your home, and you run it,  not SD .