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Stepmom now nervous about bio parenting...

Wooltoque1989's picture

Hello, 

I'm expecting my first biological child in about 6 weeks. I was never sure I wanted kids and to be honest have really struggled to enjoy pregnancy. However I love my unborn baby and am excited for her arrival. Overshadowing that excitement is how difficult I find being a stepmother. It's hard on me, it's hard on my relationship...its a role I find myself doubting sometimes. Like why did I have to choose this path? I love my partner and care about his kids. We have a good relationship. But they are not mine and I would definitely never have made some of the decisions their parents have made that have resulted in some difficult behaviors. 

With the impending birth of my own child I'm wondering if I see parenthood as a...sort of doomsday sentence because of how hard I find being a stepparent? Or is it because I don't want to be a parent at all? I think about myself and my daughter and all the things I'm excited to show her and teach her and do with her. Then I look at my current life with my stepkids and see that they frustrate me, I lack patience, I fight against resenting them for being bottomless barrels of need and spoiled and entitled. I see too the nice moments we have that feel like family and goodness...but I can't deny how much I struggle, how i am relieved when they go back to their moms. There are definitely times where I wish they'd come back because we are doing something they'd like. It's not like I don't care or enjoy them sometimes... anyways... I'm just so scared that I'm not cut out parenthood. I just want to be over the moon about my babygirl coming...and I sort of am. But I am also just...a part of me is sad I feel like I'm less excited because finding the love of my life and having a daughter with him...well I have to share that with two other little human beings who demand their dads attention, resources, who may teach my baby bad habits. 

I guess all is to say that these complicated stepmom feelings are getting in the way of my own joy of becoming a biological mom. Does this resonate with anyone? Can someone share their own experience? Sometimes I fantasize about what it would be like just like the three of us...I feel at peace in those moments. Then on the same dime I'm glad my baby gets siblings and I know they will love her and we will make memories all together. 

Ugh. Would love to hear from you step parents with "ours" babies. 

 

Thank you <3

 

ESMOD's picture

I don't have bio children.. "but"... It's a pretty much a certainty that you are going to have a different feeling towards your daughter vs stepkids.  biology is a big part of that.. 

I bet you will be just fine.. yeah.. kids can aggravate.. but that inate uncondiitonal love and mama bear instinct will likely take over.

enjoy your pregnancy... no guarantee your kid will be at all like your steps are.

NotSoStepStepmom's picture

Aww! Try not to be nervous. I can tell you with absolute certainty that your feelings, level of patience, and tolerance level for your bio-kid will be completely different than it is with your step-kids. Trust me, there is no comparison. Smile

Gimlet's picture

You are going to be just fine.

I had my DD before stephell was even a glimmer in my eye, but I can still assure you that it's going to be very different. I was not prepared for the intensity of the feelings of love and protectiveness that punched me in the gut when I had her.   I still feel that way about her and the asshole is 25 now.  You will have miles more patience, because you have miles more love in your heart.

That is not to say that adoptive parents cannot feel this way - many do.  But your feelings for your own child versus one that is very clearly not your own child are different. 

Congrats on the baby, OP.

lorlors's picture

Don’t worry. It is like comparing apples and oranges and the feelings are galaxies apart.

My baby boy is the song in my heart.

I tear up just looking at him or even thinking about him and I wouldn’t have said I was a particular lover of children generally before him.

You’ll be great! Remember, it’s very normal to be nervous. Xx

ndc's picture

Look at it this way - your daughter is not going to be like the skids because YOU are going to be parenting her.  And you've had the benefit of seeing the parenting mistakes that have been made with the skids, so you can learn from them.  You will love your daughter unconditionally, so when her behavior is not perfect (it won't be) and she's annoying the heck out of you, it won't be as annoying as if a stepchild or another unrelated child is doing it.  You'll be fine!

SeeYouNever's picture

A bio is going to be so different because you actually get to make the decisions rather than be at the mercy of two other parents getting to make the decisions you have to follow. Plus kids always love their bioparents no matter what they do, stepkids love is conditional. 

MissTexas's picture

It's a very tough concept to explain to someone who has yet to experience it. I mean, let's face it...who can throw up on you, overflow crap out of a diaper onto your brand new furniture, cry all night with colic, not smile until they're 3 months old, and get away with reaching the very depths of your soul? Having your own child is like having your heart walking around outside of your body. Anything that hurts them, hurts your heart exponentially more.

Your momma instincts will kick in the second your baby is in your arms. I remember thinking in that moment, "Oh thank God he's ok, and my worries have ended. No, they'reonly just beginning!"

So much joy, love and happy memories await your parental journey with your baby.

Keep in mind, you will be highly biased when it comes to "your child" and most likely less tolerant of the SK's. 

Lavender4414's picture

Wow. I fee exactly the same, except I am not yet pregnant.  I’ve known I wanted to be a mother since I was young though and for a very very long time I would say I couldn’t imagine my life without it. Until now. I am totally depleted by my skids schedules and their needs.. I don’t know how much more I could give. 

I think this is pretty normal.  Like everyone above said.. I think the biological bind will trump all your worries on this front and you will be an amazing mom. 

TheRightThing's picture

Hey.

My one and only bio baby has just turned 1. I usually have a very good relationship with my step son but during pregnancy there were moments I really struggled with him. I dont think it helped that he himself said he was worried about having a little brother because he wanted to love him and not feel jealous but baby brother would be staying with us and he would have to go back to mums.

I was able to talk very honestly with my husband over all feelings, we figured it was partly survival instinct. 

But once that baby was in my arms, oh my goodness, how different the emotions are for your own and your step child. Now I love my step son, but the way I feel for my biological baby truly eclipsed that.

Seeing the boys together? From that very first time my step son held his baby brother, to now seeing them play together truly fills me with such love and pride. The boys love each other, theres a big enough gap that my step son can actually be helpful. My step son is about to turn 10 and baby boy has just turned 1. 

So I would say let yourself feel all those feelings. Good, bad and ugly. You wont care once your baby is in your arms. 

shamds's picture

followed by her brother the following year.

whatever issues i have with skids like disrespect, no manners, not being considerate or appreciative of others, i feel has pushed me to hold my kids to a higher standard.

i don’t do half arsed parenting, as a parent you need to step up and not do a shit job intentionally.

my kids are currently almost 4, and 2.5, my 3 skids (sd23.5, ss21.5 & sd14.5) do not even compare to my kids. They lack basic life skills. So while the world makes excuses for my pathetic skids, i’m letting my kids know that there is never an excuse for them to behave like little shits.

the first few months are overwhelming but just take a breather and destress at times, vent to hubby and communicate whatever you are feeling and when you feel you need his support

Thisisnotus's picture

if it makes you feel any better....I have 3 older bio kids and still had these SAME exact feelings when pregnant with our shared child who is now 1.

I was scared to death (still am) that our shared child would look like, talk like, act like or even breath like my skids......it haunted me. I literally had nightmares during my pregnancy that my baby was born looking exactly like skids....who look like BM.....Skids are NOTHING like I would ever want my child to be like......and I feel zero connection to my skids as far as them being my family....so I knew the feelings I had for them would not spill over on to my own child.

Once the baby was born....everything was fine and I realized that she is MY child....not raised by skids crazy ass mother and spinelss DH.....and that I would raise her as I raised my other 3 children....which are also nothing at all like skids.

 Alot of good changes also came when baby was born....BM backed off a bit as she knew that she could no longer hold "his kids" over his head....b/c there is now another kid involved....and youngest skid12 had to grow up and realize that she wasn't infact a 2 year old trapped in a 12 year olds body. LOL.

Pregnantwithquestions's picture

I was childless when DH and I married and I had these exact same fears. I found my relationship with my SK even more difficult when I was pregnant than I ever had previously. I looked at them constantly, trying to pinpoint exactly how they were irritating me and what the source was so I could raise my biokid differently.

Like everyone else said, the love, patience, and tolerance you have for your own kid is unfathomable when you compare it to SK's. It helped me understand DH and little more after having an "ours" baby. My SK and my biokid are nothing alike, total opposite personalities and mannerisms.

Rags's picture

I was a non breeder when we married and I am still a non breeder 25+ yeaers later.

I don't hate kids. In fact, I like them very much.  I just have no overwhelming desire to produce one.

My thoughts on kids are entirely based on their behavior. I can like them or not equally based on their behaviour whether I am related to them or not.  Some of the kids I enjoy the most I have zero family relationship with. Some that I can't stand have been spawned by family.

 

Evil3's picture

I was with my DH and SKs for four years when my DD19 was born. My SKs were feral because DH was too afraid to parent them when they were young. They, especially SD30 were so clingy and SD is to this day. I had never in my life seen such a clingy child who was literally obsessed with her dad. It was exhausting being around to witness it. It got to the point that when DH started to bring up having a baby, I told him I never wanted kids. I didn't tell him why. It was because I grew to hate my SKs' guts with a passion. I had the f*ckin' things in my home more than 50/50 because DH had this thing about never letting a day go by without seeing them, so even on mom days, they were at our house for a bit. It was bloody torture.

I got pregnant and it wasn't planned. In my pregnancy, I worried about DH and I splitting because of our vast parenting standards. I finally confessed that to DH and he admitted that he doesn't parent the SKs enough. Well, DD came and since I was her bio, I absolutely adored her more than words can describe. Still do. There is no comparison between how you feel about SKs vs your bio. Also, as the bio mother, you have full say in how your child is raised. I had already told my DH of many things that would be far different from how my SKs were being raised. I pretty much told my DH that I did not approve at all of how the SKs were being raised or how they were as kids and how they're getting worse. I told my DH that in my opinion, the SKs will not turn out well as people and I have ideas and standards on how I'll want our child raised and that's what's going to happen. DH actually agreed and he has parented our DD differently from the SKs.

My SKs are 9 and 11 years older than DD, so DH and I figured that if our DD ever asked about unfair treatment (since the SKs always got away with murder), we could say two things: that there are different mothers and that there is an age gap. However, our DD never asked.

My SD has always worked relentlessly to dominate DH. She is literally obsessed with him and has pulled all kinds of stunts to "conquer" him and have him all to herself. He's not allowed to love anyone but her. I was scared to death that my DD would be the odd man out because SD and SS have each other, but DD is the only one born to me. I couldn't have been more wrong. DD and SD are super close. They're in constant contact. SD isn't even in much contact with SS. I was always told that there's something about sisters that's even stronger than parent and child and I think that's the case with my SD and DD. My DD has gone away to university and SD is the one who has gone to visit three times. There is no mention of "half" sister. As far as the kids are concerned, they are all siblings. One time, SS even defended DD and I agianst what we thought was a home invasion (it turned out that it wasn't) and he grabbed a weapon and jumped between us and the door. SS has said he would go to jail to defend his sister (DD).

The closeness of my SKs to my DD is unreal. I think DD is closer with SS than SD is. My SDIL (SS' fiancee) is very close with DD now too.

Don't worry about being irritated by your own child. There have been times I've been irritated by my DD, but it's not the same irritation I had for my SKs.

NotSoStepStepmom's picture

It made me smile to read about how close your DD is to her half siblings! Smile

Lollybobs's picture

Pretty much what everyone else has said. I remember being pretty scared when my DD was born. I had no idea what to do with babies - it took me about half an hour to even change a nappy initally! But the love far outweighed anything I had ever felt for the skids. Yes, your own will misbehave and drive you up the wall but your maternal instinct makes you able to tolerate it far better. And if you're dealing with poorly parented skids, it give you a good heads up on why it's so important that your own are brought up to be decent human beings. 

Jcksjj's picture

Skid and my bios are literally the juxtaposition of the best and worst things in my life. Not anywhere near the same. I get where you're coming from though, I have all boys and the thought of having a girl makes my heart sink because of my experience with SD. But I'm sure if I ever actually did have a girl it would be totally different.

Monkeysee's picture

I’m a SM & BM as well, my bio is a few months old. Even though I’m so new to being a BM I’d take being a BM over being SM any day of the week. There’s honestly no comparison. Your DD is your flesh & blood, you’ll love her more than you could ever imagine. Skids aren’t. It’s incredibly rare for someone to love their skids the way they love their bios, that biological attachment simply isn’t there. Add in parenting differences, HC exes, and a total lack of control where skids are concerned... it’s difficult. I’m often envious of my friends & family who have no skids. I love my DH & my BK is my world, but a life without the drama of steps is my fantasy.

Tatiana's picture

I hear you. I'm in the same boat as far as how difficult it is to live with kids you didn't help raise. I believe I would have made different decisions as their mom and dad, and I have to try really hard to keep my mouth shut sometimes.

I definitely identify with you on the notion that your firsts with the love of your life are firsts he had with someone else, and now he has kids that remind you of this.

But... we're trying to have a baby. I'm excited to have a child that I CAN make the decisions for them from the beginning. What makes me more nervous is the relationship they'll have with their half-siblings. Those defining moments (hopefully good ones) will be firsts for all of you and it's all because of your daughter. How cool is that?

Maybe you just need to look at this differently, and that may help you? I wish good things for you and your new little girl!