Stepmom now nervous about bio parenting...
I'm expecting my first biological child in about 6 weeks. I was never sure I wanted kids and to be honest have really struggled to enjoy pregnancy. However I love my unborn baby and am excited for her arrival. Overshadowing that excitement is how difficult I find being a stepmother. It's hard on me, it's hard on my relationship...its a role I find myself doubting sometimes. Like why did I have to choose this path? I love my partner and care about his kids. We have a good relationship. But they are not mine and I would definitely never have made some of the decisions their parents have made that have resulted in some difficult behaviors.
With the impending birth of my own child I'm wondering if I see parenthood as a...sort of doomsday sentence because of how hard I find being a stepparent? Or is it because I don't want to be a parent at all? I think about myself and my daughter and all the things I'm excited to show her and teach her and do with her. Then I look at my current life with my stepkids and see that they frustrate me, I lack patience, I fight against resenting them for being bottomless barrels of need and spoiled and entitled. I see too the nice moments we have that feel like family and goodness...but I can't deny how much I struggle, how i am relieved when they go back to their moms. There are definitely times where I wish they'd come back because we are doing something they'd like. It's not like I don't care or enjoy them sometimes... anyways... I'm just so scared that I'm not cut out parenthood. I just want to be over the moon about my babygirl coming...and I sort of am. But I am also just...a part of me is sad I feel like I'm less excited because finding the love of my life and having a daughter with him...well I have to share that with two other little human beings who demand their dads attention, resources, who may teach my baby bad habits.
I guess all is to say that these complicated stepmom feelings are getting in the way of my own joy of becoming a biological mom. Does this resonate with anyone? Can someone share their own experience? Sometimes I fantasize about what it would be like just like the three of us...I feel at peace in those moments. Then on the same dime I'm glad my baby gets siblings and I know they will love her and we will make memories all together.
Ugh. Would love to hear from you step parents with "ours" babies.
Thank you <3