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Is this stepfamily life working for you?

AFernInTheForest's picture

Is there anyone out there who is actually having success in a stepfamily situation? I know that the liklihood of people answering that with a yes is probably on the slim side, since many of us come here to vent and get advice when things go wrong.

I suppose I am just another one of those people today. I am terrified that my feelings surrounding being a stepparent are going to get me a big fat divorce. I have a lot of trouble voicing my opinions and feelings without being heated about it. Basically I bottle it up until I explode. I didn't even realize how bad I was feeling (I thought things were going pretty well, actually), but my husband called me out on being unhappy with our situation. And I guess I am.

I put up with being a stepparent because I love my husband dearly and we got pregnant with our daughter before we got married. Maybe I never would have married him otherwise. If I had slowed down and really thought about things. But that is a moot point because we are married now and I don't want a divorce at all. I do feel like I am on the countdown (8 more years) until SS10 can be out on his own (who am I kidding....kids stick around forever and sometimes live in your house for what feels like forever).

I have been to therapy and have just gotten me and DD4 involved with church, so I am utilizing sources that are available to me. I just can't seem to shake the feeling that I will never truly be happy being a stepparent. And I don't want to lose my marriage and ruin what we have by leaving my daughter to grow up with a broken family. I see the irreparable damage done to my stepson because of his broken family. But I cannot come back and fix what his parents could not.

So is there anyone out there who is having success in their family and marriage despite being unhappy about being a stepparent? Is it even possible?

AFernInTheForest's picture

I wish DH could even see that SS doesn't act right sometimes. He thinks the kid is perfect! I am serious when I say that I have never, and I mean NEVER seen DH punish SS's behavior and rarely corrects him for anything. Don't get me wrong, SS is a great kid (way too people-pleasing at times), but he's not a saint.

hereiam's picture

First of all, what exactly is your situation?

Is your husband custodial and your SS lives there full time or does he just visit? If he lives there full time, is the BM involved at all? Is your SS's behavior a problem? Does your husband parent and discipline him?

Every situation is different and so are the solutions. In every situation, you have to be able to communicate with your husband, without blowing up (or you will not be heard) and he has to be willing to listen to your concerns.

AFernInTheForest's picture

I'm starting to wonder if I am capable of being happy at all. DH thinks he does no wrong, SS does no wrong, it's all just my problem in my head. I resent that! I do know I could do better (apparently a lot better), but come on....I am not the only one with a problem here! DH and BM have so much animosity and baggage it's unbelievable.

Honestly, I wish I could take DD to my parent's house for about a week long visit (about 700 miles away) because I need a break from my life here and I miss all my family terribly. But I don't think that's possible right now financially or emotionally.

AFernInTheForest's picture

I think he would, yes. Though I have no earthly idea how we would do it because of his work schedule. Maybe I should ask.

HappilySelfish679's picture

Works for me , disengaged for 3 years , live in a connected duplex skids are here Eowe but I hardly see them , I have a separate kitchen bathroom living room 2 bedrooms . I do not contribute financially to skids expenses . I help out driving skids to school 2 days a month . That's it .

Rags's picture

Yes. We have navigated the blended family adventure fairly well and only slightly scathed to this point. My bride and I met when SS-23 was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo. She and I have been on the same page or at least in the same book for just about all of our 21+ year marriage.

I realized early in our relationship that if I was going to make a life and successful marriage with my amazing bride that I would have to be dad to her son. So, he became mine. I raised him as my own, his mom and I made protection of his best interests our primary marital responsibility, we kept the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool pummeled into submission, and we raised him to be a young man of character and performance to the best of our collective ability.

All while making our marriage and each other our sole and unequivocal priority.

It has worked well enough that last April SS then 22 asked for me to adopt him. So... we made that happen. Now he has hte family name, I am the father listed on his newly issued birth certificate, and we now have paperwork documenting what has always been the case. I am his dad.

The SpermClan remains firmly in their own shallow and polluted gene pool and in the rear view mirror for everyone in the Rags clan including my son.

My advice to you is that both DH and you make your marriage and equity life partnership your joint unequivocal priority. Kids are the top marital responsibility but never should they take priority over your marriage and equity life partnership. Realize that both of you are equity life partners and equity parents to any children in your marital home regardless of kid biology. Establish household rules of behavior and enforce them consistently on all kids in the home in an age appropriate manner.

Deal with any issues immediately rather than allowing yourself to stew and for the issue to blow up all out of proportion to its true importance.

If you stay in the same book with your DH and work your marriage as the priority together... everyone in the family including the kids will have the best opportunity for blended family success.

It is working for my bride, our son, and me .... for now. Wink

AFernInTheForest's picture

Thank you for this. That is some solid advice. I have been bucking the parent responsibility since the beginning, as I have felt SS has a mom (and boy does he let me know I'm not it) and a dad and it is not my place to be mom. But clearly DH wants that for our family. Problem is, neither SS nor I want that. I don't know how to reconcile this amongst our family. I feel like DH pushes the two of us to be something neither of us wants. And he is clouded to the reality of this.

It is very encouraging to hear that things do really work out for some families who put in the effort and emotional investment into making things work.

I hope that some day, DH and I can be on the same page as far as me being replacement mommy goes.

Rags's picture

It may be that you should revisit your internal definition of parent. After all.. the suffix of Step Parent is Parent. We are not the beck and call resource, we are not the checkbook, we are an equity parent to any children in our marriage between equity life partners. Biology of the kids is not key or even relevant for that matter.

Yes, a SKid has another mom or dad, maybe an extra one of each if both Spawning parents have remarried. But that does not mean we can or should abdicate that position in our own homes and in our marriage. Your household rules are your household rules. Your SO's X has no say or influence in your home or marriage and shouldn't.

You do not have to love the Skid, you do not have to like the Skid, and you do not have to manage or participate in every little Skid life detail. What you must do IMHO is participate in a way that sets an example and protects yourself and your marriage from the risks that a blended family marriage represents.

I have found that the way to do that is through setting my own standard of tolerable behvior of kids in my home. My bride and I discuss it, compromise and usually agree, one of us sometimes grudgingly, and I hold myself and my bride accountable for enforcing the standards of behavior and performance of the Skid. If she takes exception at any point to how I parent and discipline, then she can step up and get it done before I have to or she can bite her tongue and take any comments offline when she and I are alone.

Only you can determine what is acceptable to you. Set your standard, publish it, consistently communicate that standard, and enforce it with effective consequences when it is violated.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

You may just find that as you "parent" from the position of established household rules and standards that your feelings will shift in a positive direction and regardless of any gnashing of Skid teeth and partner lamentation everyone should start to see an improvment in how the blended family functions.

Sorry, some of my inner engineer is showing.

Good luck.

AFernInTheForest's picture

Thanks to everyone for replying. I think several people have touched on what the problem is - I am indeed unhappy and need to find ways to make things better, especially with our communication.

Our situation is this: we have been together for going on 6 years this summer, married for 4. SS is with us half time, every other week. When SS is here I am pretty much solely responsible for his care because DH is only home for a little bit in the evenings and usually busies himself with projects around the house on the weekends, so basically SS has to spend most of his time with me when he is not in school. I think he has always resented me for what he sees as me getting in between him and time with DH. He used to have DH all to himself. Now DD also takes up more of DH's time when he is here and SS is getting next to no time with DH at all. Solution: DH takes SS somewhere on the weekend for a bit to get more time with him alone?

I get the impression (though I could be wrong) that SS doesn't have much time with his mom either, as she is way too busy working and planning social events for the two of them to give him much one on one time.

The poor kid just seems so lost and depressed. SS is going to counseling and DH and BM have also been, to talk about SS's depression. They aren't getting far because SS won't open up at all and refuses to see the counselor without a parent there in the room.

I should add that SS is the golden boy. Seriously, he can do no wrong. So often, because I am the only one willing to discipline the kid, I am the bad guy. I can't argue with DH that his kid sometimes needs discipline because he thinks the kid is just about perfect. And our daughter is a totally bonkers, difficult child (which is true....she is very difficult). So that adds a different dimension to our household dynamics.

Did I mention that DH is a psychiatric nurse practitioner? So he is busy diagnosing everyone in the house and doesn't even remain quiet about that. OMG I hate it!

I just don't know what I can do except to emotionally disengage. Right now I am his primary caretaker while he is here. The problem with that is, I made it clear to DH from the start that I didn't want to be SS's mommy replacement, but DH says things all the freaking time about how he wishes SS could live with us full time and wants me to homeschool him. I told him that is a lot of pressure on me and he said it's no big deal because it will never happen. WTF. That is crazy! He totally wants me to be his kid's mommy because he hates his ex. And I can't do it.

hereiam's picture

When SS is here I am pretty much solely responsible for his care.... He totally wants me to be his kid's mommy because he hates his ex.

This is unacceptable. Your DH needs to spend time with, and parent, his kid when he's there. Otherwise, what's the point? SS can do the weekend projects with his dad instead of hanging out with you.

Kid probably feels like neither of his parents really want him.

You are going to have to speak up for yourself and make your DH step up and parent his kid. That means not only emotionally disengaging, but otherwise disengaging, also. Your DH should be his son's care giver while he's there, not you.

AFernInTheForest's picture

I agree. I think SS feels abandoned into my care and it makes it difficult for us to build a healthy relationship. My husband would fight tooth and nail to keep SS here with us as much as possible, except that means I would be doing 98% of the parenting. What is the point??

I told DH last night that his son needs more and DH said he feels resentful because I am implying he is a bad father. I did not say that, I said SS needs more TIME with DH. To which he answers, "Most people in my profession work at least 70 hours and I keep it down to 55. I'm doing the best that I can." Well, why even have your kid living here if you can't see him?

Stepped in what momma's picture

Your DH is the problem. Now all you have to do is figure out how to stop babysitting his kid and how to inform him of the issue.

AFernInTheForest's picture

I am a SAHM. I should add that in. I offered to go back to work so he could stay home with the kids, but unfortunately I can't make even a fourth of what he brings home on his paycheck.

He is thinking that BM might be gearing up for a custody battle because she is trying to take on more responsibility and frankly, I think that's great, because then SS could be with his friends and have more time where he seems to prefer to be. Unfortunately, that would devestate both DD and DH.