Step children's opinions of impending nuptials... (elopement or wedding?)
My last post was so heated I thought I'd throw another concern out there just to see what the differing opinions are on this...
Got engaged Aug 2 while away on a trip. Came back to fiance's 3 children (11, 13, and 14) totally ecstatic about the upcoming "wedding". Jason and I had already discussed this and I was pretty set on eloping simply because money is tight. While riding in the car with me my 13 year old future step daughter told me she would be hurt if she wasn't "maid of honor" but she'd try to understand. I was so shocked that I countered that with, well honey...we are probably going to elope to save money for a house. To which she looked shocked and dare I say somewhat irritated? She told me that it was her dad's wedding and that she was maid of honor in her mothers remarriage and that she wants to be at her dads wedding. I know I'm going to get a myriad of opinions on this but Im interested in the reasoning behind the opinions because I haven't made up my mind yet how to proceed. (I told this young lady she'd have to talk to her dad about this.)
Thoughts?
Yay! I'm glad to hear this!
Yay! I'm glad to hear this! I really have dreamed of an elopement like some gals dream of a wedding. (I know, I'm weird!) But I mentioned something similar to Jason to incorporate the kids in a reception of some sort.
NO. NO. NO. Elope but do not
NO. NO. NO.
Elope but do not include the kids (bio or skids) as part of your nuptials in any way, shape or form. This ceremony is NOT about them. It's about you and your STB-H. It's about a marriage between two people.
You start including them in your reception, then you may as well bring them on the honeymoon and expect them to be included in every anniversary.
Very bad precedent is being set in making them feel entitled to a role in this union.
Your 13 year old STB-SD does
Your 13 year old STB-SD does NOT get a say in your wedding. Nor does she get to be the MOH. That position is reserved for the person you desire, and it shouldn't be a child. E.V.E.R.
I am very much against having any kind of wedding ceremony be centered around the kids. Bio or skids. It gives them and everyone else the impression they have a say in the marriage and are equals in the relationship.
Skids/Bios should be GUESTS only and that's it. Do not include them in the ceremony. Do not give them little gifts. Do not include them in the vows.
I would sit down and tell your STB-SD while it's nice that her mother chose to have her as the MOH, it's not up to her to decide that for you. Or for anyone else.
My goodness........are you sure you know what you're walking into here?
I know what you are saying.
I know what you are saying. I was trying to be understanding because I don't have children of my own but truly it felt intrusive on her part to say that to me. Now I needed to keep the adult role and I chided myself later for even sharing my possible plans with her but I did it kind of in shock as to her audacity about the whole MOH thing. I can totally see her mother using this to make the kids hate me too which worries me a bit. :jawdrop:
The only reason I'm so
The only reason I'm so adamant about this is because I was stupid enough to let H talk me into sharing the ceremony with skid. Biggest mistake of my life.
Because that lead to the next 7 years being about their relationship and not our relationship. To the point where I nearly divorced him earlier this year.
I don't have any bios either and the guilt card was played with me. Stick to your guns, even if you feel the tiniest bit evil. The minute your FH thinks the kids are part of the equation, you will lose much footing with him.
Don't worry about mom. If
Don't worry about mom. If she's a nutter, no matter what you do, she'll find a way to want/make the kids hate you.
BM2 hates me because I have this nasty habit of breathing. :jawdrop:
LOL good advice Disney!
LOL good advice Disney!
sadly a pastor recommended we
sadly a pastor recommended we included skids to make them a part of the ceremony. flower girl ring bearer and so forth.
Kids do not get a say in
Kids do not get a say in this.
Allow them to control this decision, they will expect to have a say in every thing else. The house you purchase, if you should have children, vacation destinations.....
Shut this down now.
Eloping is a wedding. We
Eloping is a wedding. We eloped. We announced it, told our friends and family where and when we were getting married and told them they could come if they wished. My brother, his wife and my 5mo old niece, my mom, my college BFF and his GF, and my brides aunt and uncle were there. And the Skid of course. Our wedding was a week before he turned 2. So counting my bride and I there were 11 people at our first wedding. It cost us $500 including her dress, the chapel, the license, Reverend Love, her bouquet, the gas, the wedding video, the hotel for the weekend and a show at the Reno Hilton hotel and casino on our wedding night. Mom watched the Skid and my niece while my bride and I were celebrating with my brother and SIL, BFF and his GF. It was a great time and it was most definitely a wedding. Maybe not a traditional wedding or a traditional just the two of us elopement but it worked for us.
20 years later we celebrated our anniversary (18 days ago) with a vow renewal celebration with friends and family at a beautiful winery, we feasted, we visited, we talked with everyone. We danced, we watched the video of our first wedding at Love's Lake Tahoe Wedding Chapel, we watched a looped slide show of our 20 years as a family. We had ~50 guests so even our renewal was small, intimate, and about the commitment we have made to each other. The size of the commitment has nothing to do with the cost of the wedding.
So, save your money for your new home and elope for your wedding. Pick a nice place nearby, get a license, get a JP or a minister, have the Skids there and a few friends and family if they choose to come and have a wedding. Let your SD be your maiden of honor, let the boys stand by their dad. In 20 years have a blow out.
My SS cried when his mom and I were at the alter. He wanted to be with his mom. So, I stepped back, grabbed the kid from my mom' lap and his mom and I held him at the alter while we got married. He does not remember it but it got a lot of awwwwws and sniffles when we played the wedding video at our vow renewal. Including the Skids is not a bad idea IMHO and helps set at least a positive starting point and foundation for your blended family adventure.
So, elope as you wish. Include the kids..... or not. Your call. Either way it can be an amazing statement of your commitment to each other.
Congratulations on your soon to occur wedding.
Thats so beautiful and such a
Thats so beautiful and such a thoughtful response! Thank you!
Anybody that's been to hell
Anybody that's been to hell and back with their skids would probably be ecstatic that they weren't invited.
My skids were heavily
My skids were heavily involved in our wedding, and I still was not invited to any of their weddings.
You scored a classy SD,
You scored a classy SD, didn't you. }:)
If they elope, then no one is
If they elope, then no one is invited. It's not an exclusion of the skids but of EVERYONE. Should you go look up eloping in the dictionary??
Oh and if the skids elope, she won't expect to be invited.
FFS......what a dopey comment.
Step children's opinions of
Step children's opinions of impending nuptials... (elopement or wedding?)
They don't get an opinion.
Hey Thanks for your
Hey Thanks for your perspective! Your the first step-child (and well I guess BC) that responded to this. Thanks!
You can elope down to the
You can elope down to the county courthouse where you live where for a fee the clerk will perform the marriage. She can be brides maid and he can bring a best man if he wants. Or the clerk may be able to provide a witness(s). She can catch the bouquet on the courthouse steps.
Then off on a honey sun since the moon will be nowhere to be seen.
My younger sister had a dress
My younger sister had a dress made up for her SD that looked EXACTLY like her wedding dress. She stood up with my sister and BIL during their vows. She walked down the aisle after the MOH and then walked back with the newlyweds.
She sat between them during the meal, clung to my BIL during the cake cutting and insisted on dancing with him first.
When my sister and BIL left for their honeymoon, she climbed into the limo and had to be forcibly removed (read pried from the vehicle). Kicking, screaming and crying the entire time. She was 11.
My sister regretted not making her a junior bridesmaid, rather than dressing her up like a mini-bride. She had to deal with a mini-wife, and it continues to this day. SD is an adult, but walks in my sisters home like she owns the place. Telling her sisters and brothers what to do, all while screaming at her own children who behave as badly as she did growing up.
Even when they're cute little flower girls or ring bearers, I still feel children of any kind should never be part of a wedding ceremony. Adults are difficult enough to corral.
I can't imagine why I would
I can't imagine why I would listen to a whiney 13y/o regarding DH's and my wedding. Good grief. My thought is she will simply have to try to understand just as she said she would.