Vindictive biomom-Husbands Ex Wife/Sister in law Alliance...what would do?
Ok, would like kind advice:
I am my husbands second wife. To understand what I am going through I need to tell you about his ex wife.
His ex wife cheated on him with at least 3 ppl that he knows of. (The first being a young man who had just turned 18 who had been a student in their church youth group. She was in her mid thirties. The third being a fellow nursing student who she met and shacked up with while she and my husband were in marriage counseling over the first affair..while my husband worked to pay her way through nursing school.).
I honestly could fill a book with all the lies she has told since I met him three years ago. She abandoned her three kids with him for a year when she first took off with her now husband. When she decided to come back into their lives she used the family court system to destroy my husband financially causing him to lose his home to bankruptcy.
Then I came along- 6 months after the divorce was final. One month after she married her lover. I was financially stable with a decent job. We ended up getting engaged and married over the course of three years. She lied in Domestic relations claiming she had 100% custody and he had visitation- regardless of the fact that he had documents signed by her and her lawyer that they agreed to 50/50 custody. He was snowballed- ruled to pay the maximum in child support for the three teenagers despite the fact that he had them for 50/50 for the past three years since she came back around. I know this because I lived with him.
Then she alienated the kids which got worse and worse after we got married. She did so much bizarre and constant crap and bled us so much financially that we finally got the hell away from her and moved over 1000 miles away to Florida. He flies home about once a month and she is such an ass that she "decides to take the kids on car trips so he cannot see them when he flies home.
Which brings me to my question: my husband has a brother and sister in law who were VERY over bearing and in our business prior to and after our marriage. They wanted us over at their house every week to play some ridiculous game called Pathfinder (Dungeons and Dragons) EVERY week and would throw me major attitude when I created boundaries by saying it's ok that they love to game but it's not really something I'm ok with every week of my life. (My husband had some interest in this prior to us getting married but become less involved after we got engaged because of my concerns about the addictive nature of these games).
I was forced several times to tell his sister in law to please give us some space- that we are newlyweds and to additionally please understand that she can advise me on how to be a stepmom to three teenagers but she really needed to wait till I asked her for advice because she has never been a second wife or stepmom and therefore doesn't really know what I am experiencing.
And here's what my question is about: my stepdaughter(15) who I have a ok relationship with called me a few weeks ago and told me that months ago this sister in law 1) added my husbands ex on Facebook and 2) goes to the house and bad mouths me (Why does "Aunt Kim hate you Summer?). And 3) she texts her mother about anything I post online and they "discuss me"
I find this funny because when his ex was cheating this woman, Kim, would actually track his ex down, spy on her with her lover, take pictures, etc. so she KNOWS his exes character. And she is choosing to hurt me by befriending her and running her mouth.
I feel stabbed in the back. I honestly feel that these ppl are addicted to these games and they hate me for taking my husband away from their lifestyle. I never insulted this woman. I never said her lifestyle is wrong. I simply stood up for myself and said we aren't doing this every week for 9 hours a sitting because it's not our thing. I called my sister in law and gave her the opportunity to explain herself. I told her I was sorry if she felt that I had wronged her in any way and I wish she would talk to me if she's hurt. Her response was yes she is friends with his ex (and she admitted to things she had said/told her but she painted every conversation as though it were more innocent then it was). So, she basically lied when confronted and she isn't sorry at all.
Now we are driving 1000 miles home for thanksgiving. My husband called his brother and told him he was uncomfortable by what she did and that I was really hurt. His brother listened and I'm sure he conveyed this to his wife- but I never heard s thing from her by way of an apology or remorse.
Am I wrong for not wanting to sit at her house for Thanksgiving? My husband is ok with whatever decision I make but I feel really stabbed in the back. She has aided in stirring up trouble between his ex, the kids, and us. And I think it's disgusting.
I would not want to be there
I would not want to be there either. So, no, you are not wrong. I assume the plan has already been made and that's where the family Thanksgiving is to be? Meaning all his relatives from that area?
Well, ideally the two of you would fly off to Bermuda for your own Thanksgiving and you can invite the relatives down for some other get together at a different time of year (or travel up there).
Then you could avoid this woman or only meet her on your own terms.
I'm guessing you're not able to go the ideal route yet.
If you don't show up, you will be accused of taking him away from his family so it may be a battle won but a war lost.
Do you think you could go to her house and act like the most popular girl and just ignore her? Have a fantastic time and never ever engage in the dramafest?
I had to do that once. A former friend wanted to use my own niece's wedding to "confront" me about what went wrong in our friendship. I just acted happy and jolly and avoided her. Of course she sought me out and tried to get me to come out to the parking lot on a pretext. I just told her no. Had to tell no about 5 times. But it was finally over, there was no scene, and a I had a great time.
Think you're up for that?
Well here's the scenario: I
Well here's the scenario: I would LOVE to fly off to Bermuda. But until the last teenager is 18 (he's 14) we won't have that luxury because the kids will say I kept their father from them as they were growing up. Never mind that BM has made us totally miserable by using the kids as psychological weapons- which factored in to us moving away.
Anyway, my husbands extended family is actually spread out across the country and other than he and his brother they don't keep in touch. So when we moved we really did shake things up a bit. These two, his brother and sister in law, must have always believed that we would 1) attend the same church with them (the one he was married to his ex wife in and continued to attend with his exes extended family as well as with his brother and sister in law and kids). Until I came along and said "no. I will not attend church with you and your family and your exes while family just because it's what you've always done. ). And 2) sit on our buts in their "gaming room" every Friday and Saturday night for the next 20 years with their high school friends simply because it's what they had become accustomed to doing after the divorce. (His brother is so addicted to these dumb games that he leaves his 44 year old wife and 4 year old son twice a week for 6-7 hour gaming marathons. Then he monopolized their weekends with this craziness by having three or four of his gaming friends over to do this in their back room from 5pm to 1am every Saturday night. I wouldn't put up with it and when they wouldn't stop messaging my husband and making my him feel guilty for not continuing to do this after he got engaged to me- they stopped inviting me to family dinners and the wife would attempt to "reach out to me on Facebook and explain "why it was important that they continue to do this as a family". I never told her that her husband is addicted and that she is a doormat and enables him but my husband and I both see it and we backed off. His brother has thousands of dollars invested in miniature warriors and they spent $8,000 on a custom made Dungeons and Dragons gaming table for this back room- but she shops at goodwill for her sons clothes and their Household furniture is leftover from the late 80s. Just not how I plan to live.
So yeah we got the hell out and I don't regret it one bit but I don't treat her with disrespect even though I hate her lifestyle. I just want my space and basic respect and she does not care.
If we don't go they'll be spending thanksgiving alone I guess and the kids will wonder why we aren't dining with his side when it's the only family they've known. It really pusses me off she's put me in this position. I may just let my husband go with the kids and find something else to do.
Moving a thousand miles away
Moving a thousand miles away from this mess is the best thing you could possibly have ever done.
Are you familiar with the kick the coke machine thing? Psychology thing -- you put a dollar in the machine, you press the button, the can you want comes out. If the can doesn't come out....you kick the machine. Human nature.
Your husband's people were all baked into a very deep dish Enmeshment-Denial-Triangulation Casserole. That was their machine. It worked for them.
You changed things up. They were no longer getting the result they planned on and felt so comfortable with.
So they are now kicking the coke machine. That would be you and your husband getting kicked. They are trying to get that can to come rolling out and plopping into their paws.
Can your dh tell ex it's time to switch holidays like all other custody agreements state? That way he does NOT come up for this Thanksgiving but he gets to fly the kids down for next Thanksgiving. He can tell his bro that he can't come up because he has to save up for all these flights he has to pay for in the future for his kids. Nobody can blame you. (They will anyway but the facts will be on your side.)
I hope to high heaven your dh is saving all his plane tickets and emails and putting them into an organized binder. When they start turning 18 he can and should present this binder to his kids to prove that he came up for agreed visits and she scarpered instead of giving him the agreed upon access. He should make a notation for every date how he rang the doorbell, nobody answered, and at what point he is notified that BM took them to Outlet Malls that weekend instead.
ETA: I mean he should try to put the specific things they were doing that weekend instead of showing up for him so those kids may remember and recognize some or many of those activities. I think it help them visualize what was going on.
I REALLY appreciation ate
I REALLY appreciation ate your thoughtful responses and you taking the time to help me think this though. I've been overwhelmed with the decision of what to do- and I feel horrible for my husband who does probably feel like he lost his family to a degree. Although he is a gem and he sees how they are and doesn't blame me. We already paid for a hotel (although we may be able to get out of it I just need to call and check) I'm honestly considering just telling this woman, Kim, that I don't appreciate her nonsense and it will be affecting all future holidays unfortunately because I choose not to dine with a back stabber.
Oh and I love your idea on
Oh and I love your idea on keeping a record. I already do this to an extent but I need to do a better job of it.
pffft she's not the only one
pffft she's not the only one at the table Hon, there will be other people, engage with them and ignore her..
if she wants to be friends with BM that's her business, not your, you do not have to be friends with her..
Why do I say this - We recently got invited to a party by SO's cousin, I respectfully declined and told him he can go,
I have no interest in the driving there, join a party, sleep over and come back the next day, sorry to far to drive and who's watching the animals.... SO was very angry at me and said he will go on his own, he tried that emotional black mail shit with me and I just laughed... he went as far as telling me we do not have a relationship, cause he still has to do things as a single guy without me,how will he explain it to the family, I simply replied, for years this woman ignored you, now you are invited to her party - then go.... I give a sh!t... tell them what ever you want....
SO decided to stay and low and behold, 4 hours into the party his family called and went on and on what a b!tch I am for not allowing him to go, SO forgot his phone was on speaker - I gave him the death stare and he told his brothers...
well I did say he could go, I had something else to do..... then we heard BM in the back ground laughing... SO's facial expression was the best I ever saw..... he simply asked his brother is BM there? YES... she was invited... SO replied thank dog I did not come..... and hung up.... I smiled at him and I said - I knew she would be there, she's friends with your cousins, they all went to her 4th wedding..... do you get now why I did not want to go... I do not have to spend my week-ends with your ex wife....
SO is still very upset and disappointed and keeps on asking me - how can his family do this to him, be friends with BM and when they are with us, they bad mouth her to no end... I just smile and say - ask your brothers not me