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SS13 “Policing” others but not himself

Heathergreener12's picture

Since a young age or 6 or 7 SS13 SS13 has a clear understanding of rules and right from wrong. SS13's teachers have complained through the years that SS13 "police's" other kids regarding "school rules". If SS13 sees some kid cut in line, break a class rule etc SS13 has no problem calling the kid out. The bigger problem is SS13 has no problem breaking the class rules himself if it suits him and does this Frequently. 

SS13 also does this at our house also. More with me than DH. If I happen to leave a cereal bowl in the living room SS13 is all over me to bring it out to the sink BUT  SS13 almost NEVER brings his dishes to the sink. 

Now SS13 also has no problem doing bigger issues like lying and stealing(school and our house). 

How can a kid Appear to be so righteous and making sure everyone else follows the "rules" BUT refuses to do the same himself? 

SteppedOut's picture

Why does he feel like he can chastise you in your home. Children do not tell adults (or other children) what to do. Why is this behavior allowed?  He clearly feels like he has "adult status" - who is making him feel that way? 

tog redux's picture

Because no one is parenting him. Otherwise, he wouldn't feel free to scold adults while not following the rules. 

Blended4213's picture

I say this to my bio kids all the time! And my youngest stepson. He mostly respects me. I think they need to be reminded of their place and they all like to tattle on each other at times even when they do the same behaviors. But they are still young and learning so our job to put them in their place.

Now if I say this to my two older stepsons, I'm an evil stepmom. And I wish DH said this more to them. Entitlement is an issue with the stepsons and I feel like they could use a ton more correcting. It's out of love really, in my opinion. I want my kids to grow up to be successful and likeable adults, makes sense to me.

Don't know why we feel the need to tiptoe around the stepsons. I think partly DH has the guilt, TM is the worst, DH doesn't like conflict, and on my end I also don't like conflict and feel like if I treat his kids like mine it appears that I hate them somehow. The dynamics are all screwed up.

caninelover's picture

Point out the flaws and mistakes of others to make yourself feel superior.  Since the narcissist is superior, there is no need for them to follow the same rules.

I don't think NPD is diagnosed until young adulthood but he is showing the early signs.  Please google the signs and symptoms.

Harry's picture

That you are the adult , it's your home, you pay the bills. You do what you want. He is a child he has to follow the rules. 
You are his parent not his friends or classmates,   There is a different 

ESMOD's picture

I think that kids who grow up with siblings in the home tend to learn the "don't tattle" lesson a little more easily..because they end up victims and perpetrators.

At 13, it's way past the point where he needs to learn how to manage his impulse to rat out his peers (and anyone else).

I'm surprised he still is doing this considering it must make him fairly unpopular with his classmates too.  One of the places where a bit of old fashioned "peer pressure" should have made him think twice about pointing out every infraction.

I think dad needs to try to impress upon him that while it is important to follow rules that it is not his JOB to enforce these rules on other people.  These are not his rules to set.. and not his rules to police.  The only time he should intervene is when what another person is doing rises to the point of risk of injury/death or is illegal in nature.  Forgetting to put a bowl away is not one of these things.  And.. he should probably do a better job of policing his own actions because his actions are not without failures

Rags's picture

Classic smoke and mirrors.  He is a "sea lawyer" who uses the rules to cover his own bullshit.

Zero tolerance is how you deal with this.  Put up a chart with his name on it, and only his name, then list all of his infractions.  

His attempts to apply the kid focused rules to you is pure intentional disrespect.  Whether you have "violated" a rule or not, do not let him pull that crap.  Inform him that kids do not either make or enforce the rules and then ground him for being disrespectful.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

I would also recommend a parent/teacher conference where you and DH meet with the teacher and instruct the teacher to apply the same punishment to SS that the kid who violated the rule gets. 

Letting crap like your SS pulls fly can't happen IMHO.  The only way to modify the behavior is to make the consequences for the behavior far worse than anything he gets out of choosing the behavior to begin with.