We, too, had 5 kids from both families full time.  It is a LOT.  Like you, I about hit the wall due to differing parenting styles.  We also had the pet YSS.  I could go on endlessly but the bottom line is, I went to counseling alone when DH refused to go to marriage counseling.  My end result was a closer relationship with DH, a more united parenting front (not perfect but better) and more self-assertion tho that doesnt sound like your prob.  I eventually disengaged from YSS as a teen.  Parity was a big issue for me, treating all 5 alike as far as behavior standards, etc.

Good luck.

You can't parent his kids.  Period.  If he wants them to be more independent, that's his job to teach.  Parenting styles  that cause conflict like this are hard to over come.  As you know, it's not easy and you have to be clear, consistent and persistent to parent independent successful kids.   ( girl mom and similar style here).  You might need to live separately and  date until the kids are gone.  Not unheard of around here.  
 

Sometimes love isn't enough to make a life out of.  No shame in trying but no shame in ending it either.  

The real answer here is that he doesn't actually want your help in getting his kids to behave like yours. He just wants them to magically be like your kids, but he doesn't know how or want to learn how to do it.

Based on how you describe him, your SO sounds like he has many of the same qualities that you've instilled in your kids. He is hard working (have to be in order to do everything for your kids). He is a bit extroverted (have to be in order to land a date). He just hasn't taught ANY of those qualities to his kids, and he adds insult to injury by treating one like a baby and the other like a burden.

At this point what you can do is tell him to parent his kids his way and you'll parent yours your way. Don't offer him anymore parenting advice. Have two sets of rules in the house if you have to. If his kids misbehave, tell him so he can figure out the appropriate consequence. He is a fully grown man with the same access to parenting tools, tips, and tricks that you have. Stop overfunctioning for him.

If the thought that pops into your head is "if I do that, our relationship is over", I have some unfortunate news: it's already over, you're just helping it limp along. Your kids don't deserve to live in chaos. He knows it's chaos, which is why he wants YOU to fix it. This is a prime example of weaponized incompetence, and to a certain extent love bombing. He'll keep doing jjjuuuusssttt enough to keep you hooked on with promises it will get better, then not actually follow through because <insert excuse here>, and then you get frustrated and the cycle restarts.

He's an ineffective parent at best. You can't maintain a healthy blended family with an ineffective parent. It's not possible. You need to give him all the rope to either pull himself out of the hole he has dug or to hang himself with. You can't fix the thing you didn't break.

Hi,

It sounds like you raised your girls right! Good job. DH is a typical "Disney dad" and he doesn't want to be the bad guy - but he doesn't want you to 'discipline" his kids either because it hurts his ego. He needs to grow up and realize that if he continues to "swoop in and save the day" that his boys will never be allowed to grow up either. He needs to let them learn how to solve their own problems. 

You should disengage from parenting his boys, and let him handle the fallout from his poor parenting. My DH is similar, but has grown up some in the last 11 years. However, I watched my DH fall into old patterns last night again. I called him from work to ask if he would like me to order and pick up some pizza's for us and the SD's, who come over Fridays, on my way home from work. He called them to ask, and turns out they are very sick so are staying at their moms. So, I bought one pizza for us and that's it. I get home and he is preparing to leave the house again. I asked why? He said he is picking up fast food and bringing it to his 16 and 18 year old daughters at their moms house because their mom said if they don't go to Dads and give her some "alone time" that the least he can do is bring them dinner. They insisted so he did. They do not live super close, either. So he asked if I wanted to "keep him company". I said no. If i wanted to play Doordasher then I would have, but I called you about dinner so I could relax when I got home, and not do this BS today. He was grumpy, but he understood that his actions put him in that position, and he missed out on time with me because of his inability to say no to his ex wife and his daughters. His excuse was "If it will get their crazy mother off their backs, then its worth it. " My response was "Let them handle it, they are nearly grown ups and they have no social skills because you do everything for them."  

Shitcan this idiot and his spawn and get back to raising your high quality children and leave this failing father to continue to raise his unsalvageable spawn  to live with him for life.

Were I you, my kids would never do a chore in that home and neither would I. If daddy sucks his kid's asses to the point he does their chores, he can do everything, and I do mean everything.  Tell him that either his kids do a balanced chore list to what your kids do, or your kids will do exactly what his kids do and HE can be the family chore bitch and do it all by himself.  And... it had all better be done right each and every day.

smh

Why would you pollute your life with this POS and his children?

Different sex children of these ages should not be living together, PERIOD.  There's too much chance of abuse or allegations of abuse to happen.

Move out with your girls, and date the guy if you want.  Living together is not healthy for anyone.  

How long did everyone know each other before you all moved in together?

It's okay to admit that it was a mistake and that future efforts in this direction will probably be unsuccessful. If I were you, I'd stay in the relationship with DH (if that's what you ultimately want) but simply live separately to save the negative energy, resentment, etc. that will eventually continue to build should you continue to live together. You had a good thing going with you and your daughters as your own team, don't ruin that. 

I dipped my toes into StepLandia with another boyfriend before I met my DH.  This guy was a Disney Dad....his daughter and mine were about the same age and weren't in school yet. We lived together and I hate to admit it even now, but I actually disliked that child. I did so much for her, but if something displeased her she always said "I'm gonna tell my dad..".  I finally responded with "let's call your dad now and tell him everything about what happened..."  She ended up begging me not to call him and this happened several times because I wasn't going to let a 4 year old bully me. 

Her dad patented her and I patented my kids. But I ended it because she was the center of his world and I didn't feel there was enough room for me after it was all said and done. 

I feel like this is more the "norm" in a blended family.  We have a distinct cut line within our family.  Her kids are spoiled ass brats that are snotty and entitled.  Mine are no angels by far, but they respect adult authority and are not entitled/snotty.

All things said, her kids don't really like me, and my kids don't really like her.  We tolerate each other....that's the best way to say it from my perspective.  I'm not sure how many blended families ever get lucky and all of the personalities and opinions actually work well together.  We all butt heads regularly around here.

I have argued with my wife until I'm blue in the face about parenting and trying to be on the same page, but it never fails........situations come up and it all gets thrown out the window.  There will be a fight.....and then it takes a week or more for us all to get over it.  Wash.....rinse.....repeat.

Set the standards of behavior and performance in your home nad hold the kids accountable to those standards in an age appropriate manner. KISS.

Do not raise your idiot husband's boys for him. Post the standards, rub DH's nose in them and keep your foot to his backside to enforce them on his sons.  Your girls will not struggle with them as they are already living in that standards based home.

Sadly, you are going to have to raise your own DH before will be able to raise his boys to viable adulthood.

Good luck. You are going to need it.

Please don't let your own children suffer because of SO and his failure children. 

For the sake of your kids and your own sanity, I would move out.  These two families are not going to blend.  If you love your boyfriend, I guess you could continue to date him while living apart.  But don't undo your years of successful parenting and lose the respect of your own kids by trying to "fix" your boyfriend's kids.  He doesn't really want you to or he wouldn't be undermining you.  You really don't want to expose your kids to his failed parenting and favoritism.  Get them out of there.