SS hitting
Forums:
My SS is only 3 and has started hitting/kicking within the last couple weeks. He had only hit once before several months ago, but that news came from HCBM who is always dramatic and we weren't even sure from the details provided if it had been on purpose, but the last several definitely have been.
He doesn't go to daycare or have any other siblings to have learned this from. Of course we spoke with him and disciplined him, but I'm just wondering...
Has anyone else delt with something similar? Do you know what prompted it? How did you deal with it?
I think most kids go through
I think most kids go through this phase at around your SKs age. Could of picked it up from whatever he's watching or just on his own. Have DH step in and set hard boundaries to nip this in the bud. Good luck, considering you have a HCBM. They love sabotaging any peranting from BIO and SP.
If he isn't perpetrating this
If he isn't perpetrating this behavior when he is with you and your DH why would you discipline him on the word of the blended family opposition? If BM is tolerating this crap from the 3yo when he is with her, that is her problem, not yours.
If he does it when he is with you, smack him on the back of the hand firmly then have a talk with him about it. Immediate commensurate consequences work wonders. No 3yo comprehends being disciplined for something that happened somewhere else in the past. A 3yo does comprehend that if they hit someone or bites someone and they hit or bite the 3yo back immediatly that there are natural consequences tha tresult from hitting or biting, etc......
Sorry I guess I wasn't clear.
Sorry I guess I wasn't clear. We disciplined him when he did it when with us immediately, not for her at a later time.
Good to hear.
Good to hear.
Firstly, you should not have
Firstly, you should not have disciplined him unless he hit someone when with you.
Secondly, your dh should have shut that down immediately with "I'm sorry you can't handle our 3yo. Maybe it's time we revisited the CO seeing as he's out of control with you. " If he doesn't, she's going to come running to him with every little problem...
Yes, he has done it a few
Yes, he has done it a few times when with us. That is when we disciplined - sorry for the confusion. I agree with you on the last point and we didn't do anything for her. She can be ridiculous at times and wanted my husband to "talk to his son about it". He's so little it would have done no good, but she doesn't understand that.
No worries
No worries
Yoiur DH absolutely must not take on the role of "talking to" the child for her. Discipline in her home is her business, not his. His business is discipline in his own home. Never forget that if you give her an inch ...
Keep up the good work
I don't know if I agree with
I don't know if I agree with this. Parents are supposed to adress bad behavior, regarldess of where it happens. So, if he misbehaves at school, do you just ignore it and let the teachers deal with it because it didn't happen at your place? What if he hits someone while at a a friends? Ignore it and let the adults of the moment address it?
I get it that at 3 it's hard because they probably won't remember things. I say though, that if they have a decent co-parenting relationship and communicate ok, I think it's perfectly acceptable -and even preferred- for both parents to be on the same page of discipline.
Example-mom grounded a 10 yr old from video games for bad behavior, she communicates this with dad, dad would do better by his kid by continuing said grounding while at his house.
The worst behaved skids I"ve seen over the years IRL and on this board are those who have a HC parent (either side) and do parallel parenting. Having no communication between parents opens the opportunity for a kid to lie, to play sides, to learn to manipulate and know they can get away with things more then those whose parents communicate together for the good of the child.
Most of us are here because of HC custodial moms so it's hard to do. But this is also why the skids are so messed up. They rather punish the other parent by ignoring a consequence doled out over there and then even more, they'll reward them at their house for what they did. Seen it time and time again. Oh mom grounded you? Here I'll take you to dinner and the movies then ice-cream. Talk about shi* parenting.
Agree with monkeyseedo
In a perfect world this is how co-parenting should be. But from what I gather from OP BM isn't really trying to do that but rather create some type of connection that she will later on manipulate. Have a HCBM that was just like this in the beginning and would call DH expecting him to do something over the phone when she was perfectly able to handle the situation herself.
And like OP said SK is too young for them to really do anything when it happens with BM because by the time he is with them whatever discipline from past behavior will not be effective. The only at this age BM can do is inform DH about behavior and let them know how they handled it and what the results were.
If you guys do anything as far as trying to correct behavior at BM is just simple talks about keeping hands to themselves and time outs when he displays behavior at OPs house.
Follow up discipline for in school misbehavior....
should occur in both of the Skid's homes.
What goes on at mom's mom needs to deal with, what goes on at dad's dad needs to deal with. Neither X should be the other's discipline stand in for infractions perpetrated at the other's home. A SParent who is there when a kids perpetrates a discipline worthy offense, absolutely.
A non resident absent parent... nope.
IMHO of course.
So much energy is wasted by Xs trying to con their children into a feeling that the family is still intact and normal. Kids are not stupid. They know the family is no longer intact, they know that their parents are no longer together, and far too many kids play both sides against the middle to get away with crap that should never fly.