You are here

advice is more than welcome- Bio mom and her bf are nightmares

stepmomof3yo's picture
Forums: 

I'll start off by saying that my husband is an amazing father to a sweet and very well behaved little boy of 3, lets call him C. We have been moved in together for over a year now. Of course any 3 year old is starting to push boundaries and develop their own personality, which is normal. In our house, we are very patient and understanding of this, along with knowing that he is going through some confusion that neither one of us probably understand. He's a very sensitive kid, and the wrong tone is enough to put him in tears. Typically, when you tell him to do or not do something, he listens very well. If not, a threat of time out is enough to fix whatever the issue may be. I love this child with all my heart.

All that being said, I have never talked bad about his mother in front of him or discussed her in any depth with anyone aside from my husband. I have never tried to take anyones place as "mom" or encouraged him to call me anything other than my name, which he does refer to me by name. I've tried to walk the line and make everything as pieceful as possible, but it seems this is not ever going to happen.

Everytime there is a disagreement between my husband and biomom, it seems that she somehow blames me, though I am not involved. I've tried very hard to leave all decisions to my husband without influencing them. In the beginning, she seemed very supportive of us. She had cheated on my husband and chose to leave him to be with her current boyfriend around three years ago. Its worth mentioning that in the past she has drunk called my husband saying that she missed him and that the relationship with the boyfriend is very unstable, with them having broken up about 5 times in the last year (that we know of becuase she calls my husband about it every time - once got herself through in jail for hitting the boyfriend, though it got dismissed -- she hit my husband when they were together as well). There are plenty of hints to me that she does miss him and we may be dealing with a bit of jealousy. Regardless of the fact that this is often difficult and irritating for me, I try to move past it. After all, that is not what is important - C is.  

Additionally, everytime the slightest argument comes up, she is threatening to go to court for full custody, though she would not achieve anything. Recently, we had learned that the boyfriend had been flicking C in the head when he is in time out. C told us about it, we let him talk until he was finished, and he emphasized how it happens and how bad it hurts, etc. My husband and I were both raised in households where spankings were the norm, but are both of the opinion that being flicked in the head is very demeaning and disrespectful. My husband spoke with her about it, she said it would stop, then an hour later she had flipped her script and it was an all out brawl with her and the bf both calling/texting my husband, making threats, and pushing buttons, saying that they did not care at all what he thought or how he felt.

I had tried to calm the situation at one point, by reminding everyone that all we (all of us) ultimately care about is C's well being and that we could just try and cool off then the bio parents could talk. I was met with her essentially telling me to mind my own business (mind you her boyfriend was still calling my husband and purposefully trying to upset him further)

My husband does not at all want to take C away from his mother unless it is 100% necessary and I have made no attempt to influence that stance. I don't think we'd achieve anything by going to court if he wanted to do so. I mainly just need to get everything off my chest and know that I'm not the only one with such a dreaful pair to have to associate with. Any advice for dealing with extremely difficult biomoms is totally welcome.

P.S. I'm fully aware that I'm the outsider to her, and try to keep that in mind when dealing with any situation. I never tell her what to do, give advice, etc.

tog redux's picture

If I were you, I'd stay out of anything related to his son, and let him handle it - you say you aren't functioning as mom, but being involved in parenting discussions clearly says otherwise (to BM).  Let your DH handle his nutty ex and all the parenting discussions with her. Yes, you can help him in the home, but any co-parenting should be between the two of them, without you and the BF involved.

Also, I'm curious what "being understanding" of him pushing boundaries means in your home? Don't let sympathy for him "going through things" stop you guys from giving him the structure and boundaries that he needs, even if he is sensitive. Even at 3, kids are savvy enough to know how to get away with stuff by tugging on a parent's sympathy/guilt strings.

stepmomof3yo's picture

I typically am not, but with that one instance and everything getting way out of hand, I did try to diffuse. That is the only discussion I've ever gotten involved in and it was one message that essentially said "hey I'm not trying to overstep, but can we all just calm down, then you two can deal with everything". Admittedly I did not have high hopes that it would help, though.

As I said, he's very well behaved and has boundaries in our home. A tough tone is enough for him to listen. In the rare cases it isn't, it's timeout. I had mentioned being understanding in the way that we're careful not to talk about his other family around him and things like that.

I'm not trying to come off as defensive - just further explaining. Thank you for responding Smile

tog redux's picture

Got it - yeah, stay out of conflicts between him and his ex - it won't help and will just throw fuel on the fire.

stepmomof3yo's picture

Yes, I've learned my lesson with that one, no matter how well I meant it or how politely I put it.

At the same time it kills me that she puts her boyfriend on my husband and they will both attack him. I should take the high road and I'm planning on doing so, but it also makes me feel useless.

tog redux's picture

Your DH needs to set boundaries on that. He should refuse to continue the conversation if BF is involved. If it's a group text, let her know he will reply when she texts him individually. Same with phone calls or emails.

He also shouldn't continue any conversations in which he's being attacked by her.  Boundaries are key with a BM like this.

advice.only2's picture

Helpful to use acronyms to make future postings less confusing:
SS: stepson
SO: significant other
BM: Birth mom

Your SO is going to need to start instilling firm boundaries with his ex. Such as no communication outside of emergencies or anything pertaining to child. He needs to stop engaging in the threats of court, or getting into heated arguments with the BF at all. Also you and the BF need to stay out of the arguments. Do not engage with them, you are not the parent, you are your SO's partner and are there to support him and be supportive of his decisions. You are not there to try an rationalize anything with a drunken ex BM.

stepmomof3yo's picture

Thank you. I'm new so I'm just now learning them. He has told her the same regarding things not involving SS. And has beyond that ignored anything that she sends not involving SS, but she still keeps trying, texting and calling about her personal life.

I totally agree with you about my and the BFs place, and I am determined to stay in mine from this point on.

I however cannot fault my SO for being heated about the bf administering physical punishment to SS.

tog redux's picture

He can be upset - but he has to remember that he has no say in what BM does in her home, much as she has no say in what he does in your home.  If it doesn't rise to the level of abuse, he really needs to let it go, quite honestly - and if it does, he needs to take action.

It's good that he ignores her when she's texting about personal stuff, he should keep that up. Or even go so far as to say that since she continues to send him texts unrelated to parenting, he will no longer communicate by phone or text, only by email.

ESMOD's picture

I agree to an extent about the other home not needing his permission to parent.. but I might also classify flicking a 3 year old in the head (painfully) as abusive as well.  I'm fairly certain that CPS wouldn't approve of someone's boyfriend doing that to her child.  

I think the message to her should be that his expectation is that she be the one to discipline their child when in her custody and hearing that her BF is physically hurting his child is extremely concerning... and that he will be extremely vigilant going forward regarding his son's physical condition when he arrives.  The message that BF gets is that if he lays hands on this child.. He is unlikely to like the outcome.

I would also attempt to make all communication in writing and preserve any threatening voicemails.  I would NOT have a conversation with them.. but ensure that they are recorded in writing or voicemail if there are threats etc...

stepmomof3yo's picture

They had previously agreed that there would be no physical discipline administered by either me or the BF prior to all this, so this was all a violation of previous agreements. Going forward, I believe this was ultimately the message they recieved ultimately - that my SO will be watching carefully to make sure no one is hurting SS.

I appreciate the advice regarding communication, and this is what my SO believed should be done as well.

tog redux's picture

I don't disagree with you that it's abusive, especially from someone who is not the parent- but the message should be, stop doing that, or I'm contacting CPS. Not an argument with the BF.

ESMOD's picture

I agree.. no sense in entering the mud pit.  A simple "physical discipline by your BF is not acceptable and if I hear it happening, I will be contactiing CPS".. let them pour all their vitriol into voicemails etc.. where they can help her DH make  a case for less custody for them.

Survivingstephell's picture

Everything goes to voicemail, separate email file, etc... anything to buy him time to think.  "I'll get back to on that " or "let me think on that" should be standard for you SO to use with BM.  The online wizard program they the court system might be useful in  your situation.   All communication is thru that and the court can see who said what.  Now in our experience with our HCBM, DH finally had to set her straight that it was over and her divorced her not the skids.  Getting that thru her head was beneficial and putting her on notice the he was on to her alienation games also.  This happened too late in the game for us as 3 of 4 were already lost.  Boundaries for everyone!  Protect your home life from her drama , that's SO main responsibility to you, handle his baggage so it doesn't come between you and him.  
 

You also would serve yourself well to learn about the Cluster B personality disorders.  You have to have boundaries with these types or they will run you over and eat you up.  
 

Parallel parenting is also helpful, what goes on each house is separate.  As your SS gets older, it will be crucial to teach him critical thinking skills so he can figure out himself what he sees and hears and not fall for "fake news" from BM.  
 

Stick  around and read the forums. They are a trove of information, stories and techniques to use.  Also remember that everyone comes at their answers from their own experience.  You might not find what you need in every answer but we all come from the point of view to help and spare you if we can. 

stepmomof3yo's picture

Do you know of a particular approach to teaching critical thinking skills in this regard? I know that the BM can be very manipulative, but not wanting to outright say (when he's older) "don't believe everything she tells you", how can you approach this?

 

I will, thanks!

Survivingstephell's picture

It's a lot of playing dumb, leading questions and letting them figure it out.  For example:  why do think that happened?  How does that make you feel? It's a lot more fun to send them back asking their BM questions then fretting over it.  Your SS is still kind of little but keeping him in touch with his ability to think for himself and make decisions are a good base to build now.  It shouldn't be about family stuff but things he can control now like clothing, snacks, shows, etc...  I see so many stories on here where skids are not brought up to think.  It crippled them.  In a moms group I belonged to 20+ years ago, a fellow  mom said " I'm raising adults, not children " and after some deep thought of the matter it changed my parenting goals.  Those three are all launched and can see thru most people.  Getting them ready to take control of their lives is our main job as a parent.  It does not happen magically.   

weightedworld's picture

I would be VERY curious to know how a conversation between you and the BF would end. I have high suspision that you both would be walking away from your relationships.

After reading your initial post and your comments and the length of time you two have been together adding and considering the age of the child neither you or the bf are getting the stories as you should be. 

I say that in confidence up to my eye balls - I was and probably still am "the drunken whore who cheated, wrecked the family, broke his heart" Such a whore I am. Phew. (Our divorce was 110% mutual and we evenly split everything down the middle, no argument, we went our separate ways.) ((His 'friend' of 2 years officially became his gf who lived 3.5 hrs away and his local 'friend' moved in with him. They both believed they were each truley 'friends' of his - comical on my end to watch it all go down because the last few years, finally, all made sense)

To BM you are at this point just another notch on the bed post that hasn't figured him out yet, I am guessing. I know your intentions are great, they seem wonderful, but with all do respect from a BMs standpoint, with what you have described, I would back off. Seems to me as if he knows how to push her buttons and she's playing right into it which is helping to form your opinion to his liking. 

At the very least, don't go getting pregnant yourself, save the heart ache, not to mention head ache. 

 

stepmomof3yo's picture

Actually the current bf was the one who informed both my husband and I that she had gone to jail for punching him. My husband for whatever reason was her collect call from jail in this case. I have heard her say herself that she cheated on her current bf in the past year (it was one of the times they broke up, she called my husband late at night (so he thought it might have been an emergency regarding SS) to tell him all about it - he put her on speaker when she started going off).

Additionally, there is nothing to back off from. I haven't been approaching her, or attempting to talk to her aside from the one "calm down" time.

I understand that there are other perspectives and it seems like some lies were spread about you, but that it is not the case regarding her character here. I've seen the evidence myself. I don't feel that I've been set up to dislike her by anyone other than her and honestly my husband has told me some good, bad, and ugly from both of them. 

weightedworld's picture

Backing off from the situation, not her. 

As others have said be there in support for him - not the child. When this all settles down you will, as a step, enter into another world - read other posts. 

Harry's picture

You are dealing with a BM and most likely her BF who drinks way too much.  Who are drunk most of the time.

So nothing is going to be close to normal, or are you going to get " normal" response from them.  If jail was involved your DH should go for more parenting time , 50/50.  But you could be setting yourself up to be in a place you don't like.  Kids with a disfunctional childhood will have problems 

stepmomof3yo's picture

My DH already is 50/50. He thought about going to court, but due to such little evidence (her domestic battery case was dropped) and the fact that he doesn't want to turn SS's whole life upside down, he ultimately decided against it, but to be watching more carefully and collecting evidence over time. I don't believe he wants to take him away from his mother unless there is an immediate danger. However, there is also concern for what he's being exposed to there. The flicking is of course not okay by any "normal" persons standards, but has stopped as far as we can tell since they've learned that SS can tell on them. We have also noticed that if we play fight (wrestle around) or joke/pick on one another that SS has been becoming distressed lately (our dynamic has been the same our whole relationship and SS has never done this until the last couple months) We have assumed it is because he is being exposed to fighting in his other home, since the change in behavior did not follow long after the trip to jail over fighting, but we have no proof. To make him more comfortable, we have talked to him that we're just playing games and have since not played around with each other when he is near.