Being the other woman, leaves very bitter taste in ones mouth. Its a betrayel of loyalty, of trust between a man and woman.
I understand you want to build bridges, but you can build them outside of her home. Her home was left in pieces because her husband cheated with you. Hence the boundaries for her are to keep whatever is left safe from that event.
You are overstepping the line about seeing those kids bedrooms and upon entering her home. She has said no. Respect this. Its bad enough you didn't respect her marriage....but do not enter this womans home. Her marriage may have been tainted by you and her exh...but her home doesn't have to subjected to it.
And please dont use the fact that she is Christian woman about forgiving and forgetting. She obviously doens't hate your guts and she is keeping it nice with you at family gatherings....It can be turned around on you. What kind of a person cheats with a man married for sooo many years?
I think it was a shame that you as a human being broke up her marriage.
Let it go......stop sitting in the car, your dh can go by himself there to sit his kids, you can do something else for the night.
And stay away from bm's house. You have no business being in there or seeing the kids room. Build your bridges outside. And realize the foundation of your bridges have not been built on solid ground, so always be prepared for ground shaking activities.
Hmmm.. I wouldn't want you to be in my house either! Why are you trying sooo hard to get in her house anyway.
Then you wrote: "I don't think she will ever let go of the past and I think that it is a shame that a Cristian woman can have so much hate for so many years."
You broke up their marriage or had a great part in the break up. Just how do you want her to feel/act? It doesn't matter if it was 8 months ago or 8 years ago.
Angel,
I don't think she came here for a lecture. She knows she was the other woman and she said she is not proud so your rubbing her face in it is unneccesary. We are supposed to be here to support not rip apart.
Mary Sue, I can understand where the BM is coming from and I think you should just let it go. If you want to see the kids rooms ask them to take a picture. Also why do you sit in the car? Why don't you just stay home and have a peaceful night to yourself? Enjoy it while you can. I hope you don't stress over this as it really isn't worth it. I don't think it would matter if she was Christian, Muslim or Jewish though, she is not going to be comfortable with it and if I were you I would drop it.
I agree with others -- it is her house, and she gets to decide who is in it. Just as you get to decide who is in yours. I also agree that it's odd that your DH babysits at her house. He could easily put a stop to that -- there isn't any real reason they would have to have this time at her house, is there? And finally, your DH could also start calling when he is getting close and have the kids come out to the car instead of him going in. That's what my DH started doing when his ex got mad at me and told him I was no longer welcome in her home.
BB
You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved
I agree with others, about not needing to be in her home and also about there being no need for DH to babysit at her house.
I went into BM's home once at the request of DH to give him support. BM went crazy. DH had wanted to introduce us so that BM could talk to me and voice any concerns. I will never go into her home again and she will never come into our home. I think that's an acceptable agreement.
Setting boundaries (i.e., no you can not come into my home) has nothing to do with forgiving. The bible allows, I mean insists, that we set boundaries with each other and hold each other accountable for our own life's choices. It has nothing to do with forgiveness. I think you want her to assuage your guilt by being one big happy family with you. She doesn't have to assuage your guilt to be a loving, forgiving woman. I don't even allow DH's ex to come to my house EVER. Exchanges are done at a neutral location. Does that make me un-Christian? No, it does not. It says, I am an adult and I have certain comforts and I don't want them walked all over. You wouldn't want someone you aren't overly fond of to hug you, would you? No, because your skin is a natural boundary. Her home is another physical boundary. She is allowed to protect her comfort by whatever means she chooses. If you're uncomfortable, that is your problem, not hers. Some people can't hear "no". You seem to be one of those people who thinks "no" means "lets negotiate". No really does mean no sometimes. You don't have to sit in the car. You can stay home.
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
I'm curious, what is the motivation for going with him to his ex's house when he babysits? Because what you wrote really doesn't seem consistent.
I have to ask, do you trust your husband? I would imagine that there are times where you feel apprehensive about what your husband is doing when you aren't around because you know what he did with you.
Is it possible that your relationship with him is at a low point and it's making you feel vulnerable? I'm obviously speculating but if I was in your position, I'd take a step back and really evaluate why I feel the need to be in that house. That answers you find within yourself may not be so great but if you take the time to recognize and deal with the underlying issues, you'll be much better off for it.
I have to agree with a lot that has been said. This woman has expressed to you her boundaries and she's doing it in an adult way. Have enough respect for her to maintain those boundaries. And have respect for the situation when, based upon what you said, she is managing to treat you with respect.
OK SERIOUSLY! This is complete and utter BS. This woman has expressed that she is not proud of being the other woman, get over it! They've been together for 8 years obviously this marriage is more solid for her DH than the previous one was... why is everyone in here so caddy lately. This is a SUPPORT forum.... would some of you seriously quit posting for the sake of ridicule, put your jealousy aside, put your BIG GIRL PANTIES on and act like adults yourself!
Mary Sue, I'm sorry the support in here sucks so bad somtimes. I understand your curiosity about your step children, and where they spend their time... I think it's natural, I'm sure you hear about this house all the time from them.... unfortunately it's one of those things that may have to eat at you and not get resolved.... I would however reccomend changing your DH's caretaking location. I think it's also quite unnatural that he must go there, just as you have no business in her house... you and your husband are a single unit now... and so he shouldn't have any business there either. That would be the approach I would take to this. I hope you are able to pull some support from this posting... Best wishes.
I am not sure it's that they are necessarily trying to be caddy, I think they just want her to understand WHY the BM feels this way towards her and WHY it's warranted, and why she should just leave it alone.
~*~When you kiss ass, your breath smells like sh*t~*~
I do NOT support adultery - this year, last decade, or last century...........
If my husband left me for another woman, married her, and then tried to insinuate her into my life, on MY property..........uh uh, no way. Their marriage is solid? She's sitting in their car while he babysits teenagers at his ex-wife's house. Weird for him to do, and she's showing her insecurities. Solid - nope.
**my stepdaughters did not grow in my tummy, they grew in my heart**
I guess the main thing is that I do need to get over it.
I must say though the only time sit outside in the car is when we are dropping the kids off from being with us on Holiday or when we pick them up to go on holiday.
The rest of the time I do stay home.
The other thing is that DH babysits on a school night and the ex doesn't get home till late.
So I guess it is easier for them to wake up in their own bed and keep in their own routine.
And no I am not worried about what he gets up to while he is there.
Also the reason I put in my profile that he left her for me 8 years ago, was simply so that you all understand where I am coming from.
Thank you Coldandloved for the support.
And telling me what I needed to hear in a light positive way.
You're most welcome. I'm sorry it hurts so much right now. It's been a battle learning that a few parts of stepping really just hurt and can't be resolved, but in the end... we learn we're stronger. I hope you continue to come here for support... it's been an invaluable resource for me. ((HUGS)) Good Luck!!!
No, you should not be allowed in her house. And you really shouldn't worry about it. You are truly lucky this woman has managed to be as civil with you as she has. I didn't even break up my husband's relationship and BM was a total troll for a long time.
I think it's obvious you know you were wrong for even contributing to their marital problems. I won't go as far as to blame the dissolution on you, because if he was unhappy, chances are it wouldn't have worked out anyway. But adultery is still wrong, and this woman rightly has feelings towards you.
I would leave the situation alone and just be glad in the fact that it's peaceful.
Another thing:
I would vary wary of the fact he has to babysit two grown ass teenagers at his ex wife's house. That doesn't sit well at all.
~*~When you kiss ass, your breath smells like sh*t~*~
It's hard to build bridges when you started off as the other woman. I can understand why she doesn't want you in her home and really it probably has nothing to do with you specifically. Her home is her sanctuary and to have you in it would be a violation of the peace she probably gets from being in her home. I don't want my husbands ex in my home, does that make me a bad person? She doesn't want me in her home either, does that make her a bad person?
No, it doesn't at all. It just means that we can make SD feel comfortable without being chummy and in each other's faces with "let's go skip into the sunset girl!". We have cordial boundaries. If I go with my husband to pick up or drop off SD, I wait in the car. It's not that you're a naughty child being punished, it's just not your place to go walking into that woman's house regardless of your "other woman" status...it wouldn't be my place to go walking into BM's house either and I wasn't the other woman.
Bottom line, some people have their limit on how close they want to get to the woman who married their ex. sounds like this woman is feeling pressured to include you when she really doesn't have to be involved with you at all. She has the right to handle all business with the father of her children without ever seeing your face or hearing your voice. Why get involved anyway? As long as you aren't shouting at each other or causing drama between each other, the kids will be fine with you having a cordial yet businesslike relationship with their mother. Having the two of you fake it through buddybuddy schoolgirl bullshit isn't going to make the kids feel any better about how things have turned out. Just be nice but respect the boundaries.
You've been married two years...she was with him for 19...it MAY take her a bit longer to get over everything and you can't call her a bad christian based on the fact that she's not getting over the whole betrayal as fast as you would like her to get over it. Give her time and space.
"Venting without the desire to look within and improve your situation is simply venting to hear yourself bitch."
Other woman or not, No, you shouldn't be going into her house and she shouldn't be going into yours. I also think that DH shouldn't be going into her house either. Its just icky and akward either way.
"If I turn into another, Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" -Incubus
Mary Sue, someone on here, who's husband left her for another woman, said that a genuine apology from the other woman would have been nice. Just a thought. This may open some doors, close bridges, be accepted by BM. I think that's really what you want. Being accepted?
There are no guarantees though. This is possibly as good as it gets which isn't that bad considering things. Maybe it is you who needs to accept her. And you who needs to accept what you did 8 years ago to this woman's marriage is by no means a reflection on what a good person you are. Good people make bad choices sometimes.
That may have been me, as I know I've mentioned it here before. I was left for another woman and instead of any kind of apology for breaking up my marriage I got it rubbed in my face that she now had some kind of power in my life and over perfectson. Wrong!
I am a Christian, but let me tell you, I still to this day have never forgiven that bitch for what she did to me and my family. EH was forgiven long ago, but her? Hell to the no, even though she's been gone from the picture since 2002. If she stepped in front of my car today I'd have a hard time not hitting the gas.
I think as decent as this BM has been, the OP has been pretty lucky and should just be thankful she isn't dealing with someone like me.
WHY the urge to go in HER home? I NEVER have stepped one damn foot inside the bm's estate and have zero desire to either...? Now, bm has "tried" that crap on my end but dear MWC put a halt to that shit.
"Christian?" huh.....? Sorry, never once in my life have I ever been the "other" woman...
You don't belong in her house and she doesn't belong in yours. That is the bottom line to what everyone is saying. You and she can't be friends. Accept it and move on. My father had an affair and has been married to that woman for 12 years now and her and my mom have never spoken. God help here if they did. My mom is still bitter about it.
I dont understand why anyone cares about her situation that led up to her being married to her current DH. It has absolutely nothing to do with wanting to enter someones home after they have told you NO.
Okay, say your neighbor tells you "I dont want you inside my house". What would make you think that they SHOULD let you in....NOTHING!
Someone says no, they mean no....drop it.
It's simple, you asked, she replied....end of issue.
My thoughts as well. This would also explain why the husband said "no" and the BM said "ok". He wants to hide it, BM wants to flaunt it. Something stinks here.
Can't really add to what's already been so eloquently said. Just wanted to agree that while you seem to have good intentions, you are not respecting the boundaries that are necessary for a blended family to function peacefully. Surely you can understand that the idea of you disturbs her. You have the man, and that's going to have to be enough for now. You can't also have her approval.
"There comes a time when you have to surrender the idea of what your children could be to the reality of who they are."
Step and confused
you are 100% correct..most marriages have broken down way before , someone decides to "cheat" But someone always must place blame, it's the natural thing to do .And most of the time. it's the "other" female who gets blamed.
Sometimes, a partner doesn't even realise that their marriage is in trouble..or wouldn't admit to it and face it..when it's directly in front of them.
A partner( the one who is happy usually) denys anything is wrong and doesn't know the other is extremely unhappy.
This is due to guilt, on the one who is unhappy & hasn't communicated the fact to his/her, significant other.
They want OUT and don't know how to get out of the relationship...or could be financial, or, don't want to hurt the children, or their just confused...some of the reasons.
Most people rush into a relationship..they "THINK" their in Love. They marry & have children. Then they realize that their unhappy, because their really NOT compatible.. and its too late to get out.
Compatibility is a MAJOR issue..Many believe that opposites attract...They only attract short term.
And before they realise it they already made a commitment.
People say the "I LOVE YOU" way to fast. When they are actually feeling lust NOT Love.
Long term relationships last much longer. You need to have someone in your life who is almost EXACTLY like yourself.
Not 100% but they better have the same desires, needs and wants, passions in life. It's also helpful to have the same religion, political values. And they better match in the bedroom.
Most marriages end due to lack of communicating, finances, and lack of SEX...yes,SEX..
So if your MAN loves sex 7 days a week you better be willing. And have the same sexual desires as him.
IF you hate SEX find someone who hates it too or doesn't have it s a high priority. most MEN have SEX as a very High Priority.
You always hear how everything before marriage was PERFECT, then They want to "change" the partner. You will never change anything. Do not go into a relationship thinking you will. Also some GROW in a relationshi nd some don't, keepthat in mind...And if you really FELL IN LOVE with the PERSON ( exactly who they are while dating etc)..WHY would you want to change them, after your married????
Always LOOK for RED FLAGS, if you see any, keep track..these will NOT change. You either accept them as they are or RUN the other way, because in time ONE or BOTH of you will be unhappy.. its JUST a Matter of time.
Write a LIST of your, priorities, passions, wants & Needs in LIFE. What YOU want. Stick to that list!!
Sure "most" marriages are broken down before one cheats, but SOMETIMES, there is a horrible evil woman who actually pursues your husband at a weak point in his life and attacks. My marriage to EH had hit a bumpy spot, not unlike MANY bumpy spots in any marriage, and satan pounced. It DOES happen like that too, so yes, I can and will always blame the OW in MY situation. Just sayin.
I agree (and this is not in attack of Mary Sue, just in general) My step-mom was the pursuer too, so I get what you're saying. Yeah, sometimes marriages are broken, but sometimes someone breaks them. To say that cheating is a result of an already broken marriage takes any responsibility off of the other woman. The other woman knows that her lover is married, and if she chooses to still engage in that relationship then she is just as responsible as the husband. I don't like this idea of letting the cheaters off the hook. This is why so many woman who have been cheated on end up depressed--it's because they blame themselves for causing the affair to happen.
I guess the main thing is that I do need to get over it.
I must say though the only time sit outside in the car is when we are dropping the kids off from being with us on Holiday or when we pick them up to go on holiday.
The rest of the time I do stay home.
The other thing is that DH babysits on a school night and the ex doesn't get home till late.
So I guess it is easier for them to wake up in their own bed and keep in their own routine.
And no I am not worried about what he gets up to while he is there.
Also the reason I put in my profile that he left her for me 8 years ago, was simply so that you all understand where I am coming from.
Thank you Coldandloved for the support.
And telling me what I needed to hear in a light positive way.
Well once I had to go in BM's house and for some reason it really pissed me off!! DH said my fur stood on end like a cat! but SD wanted me to see her room, which was really cool.
BM was not home at the time, but had invited us to dinner to which I said, uhhh, no. I was afraid DH would insist but like I said I had ZERO interest in socializing with the evil she seems to me! and he said no way.
I think its because I knew the price of her house, because she bragged all the time then, like 3 times the cost of ours, and ours is a little ghetto-esque, but cozy and affordable. But later she lost that house to foreclosure. I was not happy that she lost it. But I never, ever want to set foot in her house again, it looked fake like a model home to me.
So don't sweat it, you are not missing anything. But I would tell your DH, he should not be babysitting there. If they can't come to your house, he needs to stay home too.-!
_________________________________________________________
“Learn by practice.” - Martha Graham
But good freaking grief, give this woman a damn break. Look, OP, I also began as the other woman and I can tell you 100% that my husband won't cheat on me. How, right? Once a cheater always a cheater and blah blah blah, fuck that. That's just what some people say to make them selves sleep better at night.
You have been a part of this man's life, your HUSBAND'S, for over 8 years. Hey, that record speaks for its self. You are his wife. He is your husband. No matter how your relationship started. You are the wife, you are the step mom to those kids.
I don't agree with wanting to come into her house. She has a right to say no, and based on how everything started you should accept and respect that. With that said I think you should be given kudos for caring enough about your skids, after 8 years of putting up with this shit, to want to see their rooms. That may never come pass and you should just deal and accept that fact.
Trust me, there ARE women out there that understand and are here for you and understand what you are going through. You may not have expressed exactaly what you wanted to in your original blog because you finally found a place to vent and want to just get it all out at once! Girl I understand that.
I've been in my marriage for over 4 years now. The one thing that helped me is that I went to BM and told her that I am sorry. The crazy thing is (and only you can understand this) is that I meant it. I really did. I was sorry that I hurt her, in any way. Sorry to be a part of anything that changed her life and hurt her. She told me the most amazing thing. She told me that I had nothing to do with their marriage ending, that it did long before I came along (which DH had told me all along). She told me that she was glad that I am here, that she has found a new life, one that makes her happy and her kids happier because they don't see daddy and mommy fighting all the time anymore.
Just don't listen to all the BS that you've been told here. Love is love. 8 years clearly equals more than a wrechid affair.........no matter who tries to classify it that way.
Thanks for responding to this. I've been reading this blog, feeling like I should respond to the negative comments about starting out as the other woman, but having a tough time trying to figure out what to say.
For the record, I have not been the Other Woman. But my good friend BMJen has. And a few weeks ago, I posted a blog where I admitted my difficulties having sympathy for women who started out as the Other Woman. The responses I got really helped me think through my prejudice so that I could see the complicated reality of relationships that start out in this way, rather than having a black and white knee-jerk reaction. Here's the link:
I just want to say that human beings are complicated creatures, as are human emotions. It is very easy for me, as someone who has never been in this situation, to say that women who get involved with married men are the villains. It is even easier for me to pretend that, just because I have never been the other woman, means that I am INCAPABLE of being the other woman. When the reality probably is that I was just lucky to never find myself in that situation.
Life is full of twists and turns. We have all done things that we are not proud of, looking back. It would be disingenuous and dishonest for me to pretend that I have never done something that I'm ashamed of. Life only moves in one direction. When we make a mistake, the best we can do is admit it, and try to repair as best we can the damage that was done to others. Trying to pretend that we are blameless only compounds the problem and hurts more people.
I am proud to call BMJen my friend, and I admire her for having the courage to "come out" and bravely take any heat she will receive for starting out as the other woman. I know she and her husband are soulmates, regardless of how they began, and I know that she has gone to extraordinary lengths to help and befriend the BM. Frankly, she has shown more generosity toward their BM than I could EVER show to ours. And her BM has forgiven her, and admitted that the marriage was in trouble long before BMJen was on the scene.
I'm not saying this is the case with everyone. I am saying that what I've learned is, it is ALWAYS more complicated then we like to think it is. Please, let's be gentle with each other.
BB
You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved
Belle, I actually had a hard time with this one. I've made friends here that I don't want to hurt by what I say. But at some point I just had to stand up and tell this girl that "some" people have been there and understand. I guess I just have a hard time understanding why after 8...............I repeat 8.................8 years of marriage some still classify her as the other woman. She's not the other woman. She's his wife.....she's the step mom. This is a site for step moms, and no matter how that came to pass we need to be here for one another.
There was a point that I came here bashing the BM. I hated her! She freaking hated me! We stepped on each other's toes every chance we got. We wanted to tear each other's eyes out. And for what? For DH? No..........it's much more than that!
I hate the theory of "once a cheater always a cheater" or "If he'll do it with you he'll do it to you". Yep, I heard them all and used to preach them. But like you said, life throws you all kinds of twist and turns. If it hadn't thrown me the most challenging thing ever I wouldn't have my husband, my soulmate, and my beautiful baby girl. I would have walked away. He would have walked away.
That's what we all seem to forget in this. HIM! How can the woman be the homewrecker when the man is the one that stood before God and all his friends and family and said those vows? I never said a single one to the BM. I didn't know the BM. Never met her. How did I catch more grief than Juice did? It's simple really. It's much easier to blame me. It's much easier to say that he'll cheat on me to.
Look at so many American love tales. Who didn't root for June and Johnny Cash to be together? WHO? We all root for LOVE in the movies, but when it comes down to it if you are the OW then you are a liar, you are evil, you are terrible. I just don't give into that anymore.
I just don't. And I'm not sorry if it offends anyone.
I was a wife before I met my soulmate. I had a husband who cheated on me. The day I left him she was passing me in the hall way with boxes moving in. I know how it feels. After that I SWORE I would never be in that situation. I would NEVER even debate being with a married man. Then I met Juice. Then I met him. He's the love of my life and I'm the love of his. We're destined to be togheter. Our lives were planned far before we met, that I'm sure of.
My relationship with BM was very rocky, and to be expected. I tried to stay out of her way and she tried to stay in mine! LOL! We found our way, both of us, together. She's amazing and I love her. I really do, the BM in my life is also a soul mate of mine. Imagine that. But I wouldn't have known that if it weren't for this site and for the girls that did stick up for me and talk to me. I debated leaving time and time again for the harsh responses I got. But I didn't, and I hope that OP doesn't either based on what all she's been told and called.
Those who sit on their high horse of judgement should really look within. What have YOU done in YOUR life that could be judged?
And belle, this isn't all at you honey, it's just got to get out of me one way or another!
I'm very glad to be considered a friend of a person like you. You're a person that came forth with your concerns and questions about your dear friends, and how could they ever have been the OW! I respect that. You drew your line in the sand clear. Mean what you say and say what you mean, I have a feeling that you and I both believe that.
Absolutely, Jen. You made me cry just now, honey! And I don't cry easily. Love you!
And one more thing:
"We all root for LOVE in the movies, but when it comes down to it if you are the OW then you are a liar, you are evil, you are terrible. I just don't give into that anymore."
Funny, isn't it? If you substitute "stepmom" for OW in this sentence, it starts to put things in perspective. Most all of us are here because having the label of "stepmom" makes certain people in our lives think of us as "liar, evil,terrible." We all know we are not that. We all know it's more complicated than that.
BB
You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved
Isn't it amazing that when we really look close we are all fighting the same battle?
Step mom, OW, blonde, black, white, no matter what we all have a label. And they suck. I guess now I understand why TheWife was fussing the other day, I get it now girl!
I agree. And being labeled as one thing or another ends up being worthless.
As you say, even if you start out as "the Other Woman", eventually you become the Wife. And then the Mother of His Children. Honestly, no label can ever encompass the complex reality of our lives. And frankly, attempts to classify others as One Thing Alone will never be anything but incomplete. If we want to understand one another at all, we have to resist the impulses to see the world as either/or. We all have multiple experiences, and as BMJen says, we are all fighting the same battles. We can choose to look at others as friends, or as enemies. But ultimately, the choices we make are ours alone, and we have to live with those consequences at 3 am. when we can't sleep.
BB
You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved
Well said BMJen. My relationship with DH began as an emotional affair. I've taken flak for it on here, but I don't care. I know in my heart that I saved his life by helping him leave that evil witch. I have no worries about him doing the same to me. It was fate that we met. I truly believe that.
My only issue with this poster was that she seems to think that BMs "no" means "lets negotiate" when it comes to entering her home and that stuck a nerve because that is how Wingnut operates. She can't hear no. She thinks it means if she keeps pressuring, guilting, threatening, that she'll get her way.
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
I too admire Jen's bravery in these situations. I have not been in that situation myself but I can see how it happens sometimes. At least one very strong relationship I know started that way.
I think people get married too young, then change, may be a part of it. It is hard to be married, I am not sure it is a natural state, although I do love it and hope I get a really long time of it, before one of us goes.
But I remember realizing, after I got married around age 40, that it meant I could no longer date, and was sad. Because I had finally figured out how to do it!
But Jen definitely rocks in how open you talk about it, and that even with that you have somehow gotten BM to accept you - that is more than a lot of us can say. Go Jen-!!!!
_________________________________________________________
“Learn by practice.” - Martha Graham
Thanks. It wasn't easy, getting BM's approval.......nor would I expect it to be! But I've had my ass tore up here time and time again because of it! LOL!
I just hate to see someone else ran off because of how her relationship started 8 years ago. Hell, she has 4 years on me! Imagine how strong THEIR relationship is. KWIM?
And by the way, I am also a Christian. I have been a child of God for more than 15 years now. I know that my place is made before me by Jesus. And you do to.
I love it when people try to use the bible as their way of judgement. LOVE it! But you and I both know better. Just hold on to your faith and what you feel, that's half the battle.
Jen, I know that was difficult for you... but thank you. I've been trying to play advocate lately on a couple of threads, where for some reason.... perhaps because as steps we get frustrated, people tear a poster apart rather than provide the support we're here to provide. It's been totally bumming me out! I haven't been torn apart here, but I feel so deeply for those who are. How frustrated we get as Moms, how much we need each other... I can't stand the caddy, holier than thou, or simple shame people have shown other people here!!!!! I agree so much with what you've said.... I just want to say thank you. I was given a thank you on this thread earlier this evening that I beleive truly applies to you tenfold!
hmmm yes we had been married for a year, when asked whos mum I was at one of the kids after school games I told her friend that I am her boys step mom.
She got very upset, she thought I had said i was his mom.
She rang me up and told me she was upset that I had said I was his mom.
I explained that I said i was his step mom, and she still got upset.
She thought that only parents that live with the children could be called step parents.
I explained that I was married to the kids dad and therefore am a step mom.
She didn't apologize until she talked to many friends and looked it up on the net.
I am really glad for the more positive insights in recent posts.
I did only come here for advice and not a b*tch slapping.
So thank you to those who havn't judged me.
At the end of the day the advice is the same, Give her space and respect her boundaries.
That is all I needed to hear.
That was very brave of you Kat. I don't see you differently. You sought therapy. You realized it was destructive (not only to those other families but to yourself). Hugs.
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
I havent read the other responses, but I think she only said yes to you because you put her on the spot. She is never going to want you in her home, so you really need to let it go and let her be. Maybe it would be better for her to be able to forgive, but thats her battle, not yours. You can't make her or control how she feels. Maybe once her kids are grown and she has moved on she will let go, but being married 19 years, its gonna take a looonnnnggg time for her to do that. I say let her be and dont bring it up anymore. Respect her wishes in regards to her home.
That is an open wound. Leave her alone. Just drop the whole thing. I have watched my mom fester the last twelve years over this. This woman has incredible grace for not punching you in the face. I know you have been with him for 8 years. I respect that. But, leave her alone. You do not need to have any dealings with her. I see our BM about once every 6 months. She is not my family. This woman is not yours. Please do not call her. This is wrong.
hmm.. well at this point just be glad that BM is not totally bitter and mental and is at least willing to be civilized with you. I would suggest that you not venture into her home. She's right. There HAS to be boundaries. Me and BM don't hate each other but other than the foyer we do not go into each other's homes. There's simply no need to.
Home is symbolic of the life that you have created for yourself. It should be a safe haven. You are judged all day long by everyone (attire at work, manners at restaurant during lunch, etc). Why would you want to be judged on how you keep your home as well? Especially by BM?!? Life is stressful enought without having to worry about what the BM/SM thinks of your home.
Respect her wishes just as I'm sure she would respect yours. It will be better for all in the end. Even in best case scenarios between BM and SM there HAS to be boundaries and safe havens for both sides. Because of the delicate nature of this kind of "relationship" its very rare and difficult to reach the point where you can share absolutly everything with each other.
If I were in your shoes Mary Sue, I'd let it go. In fact, I'd expect to NEVER be welcome. I know it's been 8 years and even if she's moved on, it still leaves a bitter taste in her mouth and it's just safer for her to keep a huge boundary between you guys. My FH and I got together more than a year after his divorce was final. This was the marital home and his ex-wife, BM, is visibly uncomfortable whenever she comes here (rare). She stays at the door or just in the entryway if she's invited in. When I went with FH over to her new hubby's house (SS wanted to show us his room there), she looked just as uncomfortable with us being in the house. I get it. My house, my turf, her house, her turf.
Being the other woman,
Being the other woman, leaves very bitter taste in ones mouth. Its a betrayel of loyalty, of trust between a man and woman.
I understand you want to build bridges, but you can build them outside of her home. Her home was left in pieces because her husband cheated with you. Hence the boundaries for her are to keep whatever is left safe from that event.
You are overstepping the line about seeing those kids bedrooms and upon entering her home. She has said no. Respect this. Its bad enough you didn't respect her marriage....but do not enter this womans home. Her marriage may have been tainted by you and her exh...but her home doesn't have to subjected to it.
And please dont use the fact that she is Christian woman about forgiving and forgetting. She obviously doens't hate your guts and she is keeping it nice with you at family gatherings....It can be turned around on you. What kind of a person cheats with a man married for sooo many years?
I think it was a shame that you as a human being broke up her marriage.
Let it go......stop sitting in the car, your dh can go by himself there to sit his kids, you can do something else for the night.
And stay away from bm's house. You have no business being in there or seeing the kids room. Build your bridges outside. And realize the foundation of your bridges have not been built on solid ground, so always be prepared for ground shaking activities.
Hmmm.. I wouldn't want you
Hmmm.. I wouldn't want you to be in my house either! Why are you trying sooo hard to get in her house anyway.
Then you wrote: "I don't think she will ever let go of the past and I think that it is a shame that a Cristian woman can have so much hate for so many years."
You broke up their marriage or had a great part in the break up. Just how do you want her to feel/act? It doesn't matter if it was 8 months ago or 8 years ago.
"And this too shall pass..."
Angel, I don't think she
Angel,
I don't think she came here for a lecture. She knows she was the other woman and she said she is not proud so your rubbing her face in it is unneccesary. We are supposed to be here to support not rip apart.
Mary Sue, I can understand where the BM is coming from and I think you should just let it go. If you want to see the kids rooms ask them to take a picture. Also why do you sit in the car? Why don't you just stay home and have a peaceful night to yourself? Enjoy it while you can. I hope you don't stress over this as it really isn't worth it. I don't think it would matter if she was Christian, Muslim or Jewish though, she is not going to be comfortable with it and if I were you I would drop it.
I agree with others -- it is
I agree with others -- it is her house, and she gets to decide who is in it. Just as you get to decide who is in yours. I also agree that it's odd that your DH babysits at her house. He could easily put a stop to that -- there isn't any real reason they would have to have this time at her house, is there? And finally, your DH could also start calling when he is getting close and have the kids come out to the car instead of him going in. That's what my DH started doing when his ex got mad at me and told him I was no longer welcome in her home.
BB
You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved
whoops, I read the wrong
whoops, I read the wrong comment. nevermind! ignore this...
I agree with others, about
I agree with others, about not needing to be in her home and also about there being no need for DH to babysit at her house.
I went into BM's home once at the request of DH to give him support. BM went crazy. DH had wanted to introduce us so that BM could talk to me and voice any concerns. I will never go into her home again and she will never come into our home. I think that's an acceptable agreement.
Setting boundaries (i.e., no
Setting boundaries (i.e., no you can not come into my home) has nothing to do with forgiving. The bible allows, I mean insists, that we set boundaries with each other and hold each other accountable for our own life's choices. It has nothing to do with forgiveness. I think you want her to assuage your guilt by being one big happy family with you. She doesn't have to assuage your guilt to be a loving, forgiving woman. I don't even allow DH's ex to come to my house EVER. Exchanges are done at a neutral location. Does that make me un-Christian? No, it does not. It says, I am an adult and I have certain comforts and I don't want them walked all over. You wouldn't want someone you aren't overly fond of to hug you, would you? No, because your skin is a natural boundary. Her home is another physical boundary. She is allowed to protect her comfort by whatever means she chooses. If you're uncomfortable, that is your problem, not hers. Some people can't hear "no". You seem to be one of those people who thinks "no" means "lets negotiate". No really does mean no sometimes. You don't have to sit in the car. You can stay home.
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
Those people make great
Those people make great salespeople, but lousy life partners!
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
I'm curious, what is the
I'm curious, what is the motivation for going with him to his ex's house when he babysits? Because what you wrote really doesn't seem consistent.
I have to ask, do you trust your husband? I would imagine that there are times where you feel apprehensive about what your husband is doing when you aren't around because you know what he did with you.
Is it possible that your relationship with him is at a low point and it's making you feel vulnerable? I'm obviously speculating but if I was in your position, I'd take a step back and really evaluate why I feel the need to be in that house. That answers you find within yourself may not be so great but if you take the time to recognize and deal with the underlying issues, you'll be much better off for it.
I have to agree with a lot that has been said. This woman has expressed to you her boundaries and she's doing it in an adult way. Have enough respect for her to maintain those boundaries. And have respect for the situation when, based upon what you said, she is managing to treat you with respect.
*****"Not allowed in house.
*****"Not allowed in house. Should I be allowed?"*****
NOPE.
**my stepdaughters did not grow in my tummy, they grew in my heart**
I just went and read her
I just went and read her profile.
It says under her bio(among other things): Husband left wife for me 8 years ago.
Isn't she proud? That struck me as someone bragging. I'd like to know how old this woman is. Just curious.........
**my stepdaughters did not grow in my tummy, they grew in my heart**
OK SERIOUSLY! This is
OK SERIOUSLY! This is complete and utter BS. This woman has expressed that she is not proud of being the other woman, get over it! They've been together for 8 years obviously this marriage is more solid for her DH than the previous one was... why is everyone in here so caddy lately. This is a SUPPORT forum.... would some of you seriously quit posting for the sake of ridicule, put your jealousy aside, put your BIG GIRL PANTIES on and act like adults yourself!
Mary Sue, I'm sorry the support in here sucks so bad somtimes. I understand your curiosity about your step children, and where they spend their time... I think it's natural, I'm sure you hear about this house all the time from them.... unfortunately it's one of those things that may have to eat at you and not get resolved.... I would however reccomend changing your DH's caretaking location. I think it's also quite unnatural that he must go there, just as you have no business in her house... you and your husband are a single unit now... and so he shouldn't have any business there either. That would be the approach I would take to this. I hope you are able to pull some support from this posting... Best wishes.
I am not sure it's that they
I am not sure it's that they are necessarily trying to be caddy, I think they just want her to understand WHY the BM feels this way towards her and WHY it's warranted, and why she should just leave it alone.
~*~When you kiss ass, your breath smells like sh*t~*~
The whole post sounded
The whole post sounded juvenile.
I do NOT support adultery - this year, last decade, or last century...........
If my husband left me for another woman, married her, and then tried to insinuate her into my life, on MY property..........uh uh, no way. Their marriage is solid? She's sitting in their car while he babysits teenagers at his ex-wife's house. Weird for him to do, and she's showing her insecurities. Solid - nope.
**my stepdaughters did not grow in my tummy, they grew in my heart**
Thank you Coldandloved, I
Thank you Coldandloved,
I guess the main thing is that I do need to get over it.
I must say though the only time sit outside in the car is when we are dropping the kids off from being with us on Holiday or when we pick them up to go on holiday.
The rest of the time I do stay home.
The other thing is that DH babysits on a school night and the ex doesn't get home till late.
So I guess it is easier for them to wake up in their own bed and keep in their own routine.
And no I am not worried about what he gets up to while he is there.
Also the reason I put in my profile that he left her for me 8 years ago, was simply so that you all understand where I am coming from.
Thank you Coldandloved for the support.
And telling me what I needed to hear in a light positive way.
Mary Sue
You're most welcome. I'm
You're most welcome. I'm sorry it hurts so much right now. It's been a battle learning that a few parts of stepping really just hurt and can't be resolved, but in the end... we learn we're stronger. I hope you continue to come here for support... it's been an invaluable resource for me. ((HUGS)) Good Luck!!!
I will echo what most others
I will echo what most others have said on here:
No, you should not be allowed in her house. And you really shouldn't worry about it. You are truly lucky this woman has managed to be as civil with you as she has. I didn't even break up my husband's relationship and BM was a total troll for a long time.
I think it's obvious you know you were wrong for even contributing to their marital problems. I won't go as far as to blame the dissolution on you, because if he was unhappy, chances are it wouldn't have worked out anyway. But adultery is still wrong, and this woman rightly has feelings towards you.
I would leave the situation alone and just be glad in the fact that it's peaceful.
Another thing:
I would vary wary of the fact he has to babysit two grown ass teenagers at his ex wife's house. That doesn't sit well at all.
~*~When you kiss ass, your breath smells like sh*t~*~
It's hard to build bridges
It's hard to build bridges when you started off as the other woman. I can understand why she doesn't want you in her home and really it probably has nothing to do with you specifically. Her home is her sanctuary and to have you in it would be a violation of the peace she probably gets from being in her home. I don't want my husbands ex in my home, does that make me a bad person? She doesn't want me in her home either, does that make her a bad person?
No, it doesn't at all. It just means that we can make SD feel comfortable without being chummy and in each other's faces with "let's go skip into the sunset girl!". We have cordial boundaries. If I go with my husband to pick up or drop off SD, I wait in the car. It's not that you're a naughty child being punished, it's just not your place to go walking into that woman's house regardless of your "other woman" status...it wouldn't be my place to go walking into BM's house either and I wasn't the other woman.
Bottom line, some people have their limit on how close they want to get to the woman who married their ex. sounds like this woman is feeling pressured to include you when she really doesn't have to be involved with you at all. She has the right to handle all business with the father of her children without ever seeing your face or hearing your voice. Why get involved anyway? As long as you aren't shouting at each other or causing drama between each other, the kids will be fine with you having a cordial yet businesslike relationship with their mother. Having the two of you fake it through buddybuddy schoolgirl bullshit isn't going to make the kids feel any better about how things have turned out. Just be nice but respect the boundaries.
You've been married two years...she was with him for 19...it MAY take her a bit longer to get over everything and you can't call her a bad christian based on the fact that she's not getting over the whole betrayal as fast as you would like her to get over it. Give her time and space.
"Venting without the desire to look within and improve your situation is simply venting to hear yourself bitch."
..."I'm not mean, you're just a sissy."
Other woman or not, No, you
Other woman or not, No, you shouldn't be going into her house and she shouldn't be going into yours. I also think that DH shouldn't be going into her house either. Its just icky and akward either way.
"If I turn into another, Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" -Incubus
Mary Sue, someone on here,
Mary Sue, someone on here, who's husband left her for another woman, said that a genuine apology from the other woman would have been nice. Just a thought. This may open some doors, close bridges, be accepted by BM. I think that's really what you want. Being accepted?
There are no guarantees though. This is possibly as good as it gets which isn't that bad considering things. Maybe it is you who needs to accept her. And you who needs to accept what you did 8 years ago to this woman's marriage is by no means a reflection on what a good person you are. Good people make bad choices sometimes.
That may have been me, as I
That may have been me, as I know I've mentioned it here before. I was left for another woman and instead of any kind of apology for breaking up my marriage I got it rubbed in my face that she now had some kind of power in my life and over perfectson. Wrong!
I am a Christian, but let me tell you, I still to this day have never forgiven that bitch for what she did to me and my family. EH was forgiven long ago, but her? Hell to the no, even though she's been gone from the picture since 2002. If she stepped in front of my car today I'd have a hard time not hitting the gas.
I think as decent as this BM has been, the OP has been pretty lucky and should just be thankful she isn't dealing with someone like me.
Oh yeah! OW's evil twin from
Oh yeah! OW's evil twin from Yugoslavia got my XH back in 2000....those were two sadistic crazy beotches. VroomVroomVrooooooom...LOL
WHY the urge to go in HER
WHY the urge to go in HER home? I NEVER have stepped one damn foot inside the bm's estate and have zero desire to either...? Now, bm has "tried" that crap on my end but dear MWC put a halt to that shit.
"Christian?" huh.....? Sorry, never once in my life have I ever been the "other" woman...
You don't belong in her
You don't belong in her house and she doesn't belong in yours. That is the bottom line to what everyone is saying. You and she can't be friends. Accept it and move on. My father had an affair and has been married to that woman for 12 years now and her and my mom have never spoken. God help here if they did. My mom is still bitter about it.
I dont understand why anyone
I dont understand why anyone cares about her situation that led up to her being married to her current DH. It has absolutely nothing to do with wanting to enter someones home after they have told you NO.
Okay, say your neighbor tells you "I dont want you inside my house". What would make you think that they SHOULD let you in....NOTHING!
Someone says no, they mean no....drop it.
It's simple, you asked, she replied....end of issue.
I echo just about every post
I echo just about every post on here.
It's not "natural" to "invade" anothers "habitat."
Look at documentaries on wild animals. ( although they don't seem to care who is what as far as religion.)
Just find something else to do if he MUST watch his teenage children. That is a bit odd though. I did not notice that before. (?)
I was thinking that too....
I was thinking that too.... why do teenagers need to be babysat? Aren't teens their ages doing the babyistting in most scenarios?
My thoughts as well. This
My thoughts as well. This would also explain why the husband said "no" and the BM said "ok". He wants to hide it, BM wants to flaunt it. Something stinks here.
Can't really add to what's
Can't really add to what's already been so eloquently said. Just wanted to agree that while you seem to have good intentions, you are not respecting the boundaries that are necessary for a blended family to function peacefully. Surely you can understand that the idea of you disturbs her. You have the man, and that's going to have to be enough for now. You can't also have her approval.
"There comes a time when you have to surrender the idea of what your children could be to the reality of who they are."
Step and confused you are
Step and confused
you are 100% correct..most marriages have broken down way before , someone decides to "cheat" But someone always must place blame, it's the natural thing to do .And most of the time. it's the "other" female who gets blamed.
Sometimes, a partner doesn't even realise that their marriage is in trouble..or wouldn't admit to it and face it..when it's directly in front of them.
A partner( the one who is happy usually) denys anything is wrong and doesn't know the other is extremely unhappy.
This is due to guilt, on the one who is unhappy & hasn't communicated the fact to his/her, significant other.
They want OUT and don't know how to get out of the relationship...or could be financial, or, don't want to hurt the children, or their just confused...some of the reasons.
Most people rush into a relationship..they "THINK" their in Love. They marry & have children. Then they realize that their unhappy, because their really NOT compatible.. and its too late to get out.
Compatibility is a MAJOR issue..Many believe that opposites attract...They only attract short term.
And before they realise it they already made a commitment.
People say the "I LOVE YOU" way to fast. When they are actually feeling lust NOT Love.
Long term relationships last much longer. You need to have someone in your life who is almost EXACTLY like yourself.
Not 100% but they better have the same desires, needs and wants, passions in life. It's also helpful to have the same religion, political values. And they better match in the bedroom.
Most marriages end due to lack of communicating, finances, and lack of SEX...yes,SEX..
So if your MAN loves sex 7 days a week you better be willing. And have the same sexual desires as him.
IF you hate SEX find someone who hates it too or doesn't have it s a high priority. most MEN have SEX as a very High Priority.
You always hear how everything before marriage was PERFECT, then They want to "change" the partner. You will never change anything. Do not go into a relationship thinking you will. Also some GROW in a relationshi nd some don't, keepthat in mind...And if you really FELL IN LOVE with the PERSON ( exactly who they are while dating etc)..WHY would you want to change them, after your married????
Always LOOK for RED FLAGS, if you see any, keep track..these will NOT change. You either accept them as they are or RUN the other way, because in time ONE or BOTH of you will be unhappy.. its JUST a Matter of time.
Write a LIST of your, priorities, passions, wants & Needs in LIFE. What YOU want. Stick to that list!!
Sure "most" marriages are
Sure "most" marriages are broken down before one cheats, but SOMETIMES, there is a horrible evil woman who actually pursues your husband at a weak point in his life and attacks. My marriage to EH had hit a bumpy spot, not unlike MANY bumpy spots in any marriage, and satan pounced. It DOES happen like that too, so yes, I can and will always blame the OW in MY situation. Just sayin.
I agree (and this is not in
I agree (and this is not in attack of Mary Sue, just in general) My step-mom was the pursuer too, so I get what you're saying. Yeah, sometimes marriages are broken, but sometimes someone breaks them. To say that cheating is a result of an already broken marriage takes any responsibility off of the other woman. The other woman knows that her lover is married, and if she chooses to still engage in that relationship then she is just as responsible as the husband. I don't like this idea of letting the cheaters off the hook. This is why so many woman who have been cheated on end up depressed--it's because they blame themselves for causing the affair to happen.
Thank you Coldandloved, I
Thank you Coldandloved,
I guess the main thing is that I do need to get over it.
I must say though the only time sit outside in the car is when we are dropping the kids off from being with us on Holiday or when we pick them up to go on holiday.
The rest of the time I do stay home.
The other thing is that DH babysits on a school night and the ex doesn't get home till late.
So I guess it is easier for them to wake up in their own bed and keep in their own routine.
And no I am not worried about what he gets up to while he is there.
Also the reason I put in my profile that he left her for me 8 years ago, was simply so that you all understand where I am coming from.
Thank you Coldandloved for the support.
And telling me what I needed to hear in a light positive way.
Mary Sue
*
*
Well once I had to go in
Well once I had to go in BM's house and for some reason it really pissed me off!! DH said my fur stood on end like a cat! but SD wanted me to see her room, which was really cool.
BM was not home at the time, but had invited us to dinner to which I said, uhhh, no. I was afraid DH would insist but like I said I had ZERO interest in socializing with the evil she seems to me! and he said no way.
I think its because I knew the price of her house, because she bragged all the time then, like 3 times the cost of ours, and ours is a little ghetto-esque, but cozy and affordable. But later she lost that house to foreclosure. I was not happy that she lost it. But I never, ever want to set foot in her house again, it looked fake like a model home to me.
So don't sweat it, you are not missing anything. But I would tell your DH, he should not be babysitting there. If they can't come to your house, he needs to stay home too.-!
_________________________________________________________
“Learn by practice.” - Martha Graham
I tried to stay out of this
I tried to stay out of this one. I really did.
But good freaking grief, give this woman a damn break. Look, OP, I also began as the other woman and I can tell you 100% that my husband won't cheat on me. How, right? Once a cheater always a cheater and blah blah blah, fuck that. That's just what some people say to make them selves sleep better at night.
You have been a part of this man's life, your HUSBAND'S, for over 8 years. Hey, that record speaks for its self. You are his wife. He is your husband. No matter how your relationship started. You are the wife, you are the step mom to those kids.
I don't agree with wanting to come into her house. She has a right to say no, and based on how everything started you should accept and respect that. With that said I think you should be given kudos for caring enough about your skids, after 8 years of putting up with this shit, to want to see their rooms. That may never come pass and you should just deal and accept that fact.
Trust me, there ARE women out there that understand and are here for you and understand what you are going through. You may not have expressed exactaly what you wanted to in your original blog because you finally found a place to vent and want to just get it all out at once! Girl I understand that.
I've been in my marriage for over 4 years now. The one thing that helped me is that I went to BM and told her that I am sorry. The crazy thing is (and only you can understand this) is that I meant it. I really did. I was sorry that I hurt her, in any way. Sorry to be a part of anything that changed her life and hurt her. She told me the most amazing thing. She told me that I had nothing to do with their marriage ending, that it did long before I came along (which DH had told me all along). She told me that she was glad that I am here, that she has found a new life, one that makes her happy and her kids happier because they don't see daddy and mommy fighting all the time anymore.
Just don't listen to all the BS that you've been told here. Love is love. 8 years clearly equals more than a wrechid affair.........no matter who tries to classify it that way.
((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
Jen, Thanks for responding
Jen,
Thanks for responding to this. I've been reading this blog, feeling like I should respond to the negative comments about starting out as the other woman, but having a tough time trying to figure out what to say.
For the record, I have not been the Other Woman. But my good friend BMJen has. And a few weeks ago, I posted a blog where I admitted my difficulties having sympathy for women who started out as the Other Woman. The responses I got really helped me think through my prejudice so that I could see the complicated reality of relationships that start out in this way, rather than having a black and white knee-jerk reaction. Here's the link:
http://www.steptalk.org/node/21020
I just want to say that human beings are complicated creatures, as are human emotions. It is very easy for me, as someone who has never been in this situation, to say that women who get involved with married men are the villains. It is even easier for me to pretend that, just because I have never been the other woman, means that I am INCAPABLE of being the other woman. When the reality probably is that I was just lucky to never find myself in that situation.
Life is full of twists and turns. We have all done things that we are not proud of, looking back. It would be disingenuous and dishonest for me to pretend that I have never done something that I'm ashamed of. Life only moves in one direction. When we make a mistake, the best we can do is admit it, and try to repair as best we can the damage that was done to others. Trying to pretend that we are blameless only compounds the problem and hurts more people.
I am proud to call BMJen my friend, and I admire her for having the courage to "come out" and bravely take any heat she will receive for starting out as the other woman. I know she and her husband are soulmates, regardless of how they began, and I know that she has gone to extraordinary lengths to help and befriend the BM. Frankly, she has shown more generosity toward their BM than I could EVER show to ours. And her BM has forgiven her, and admitted that the marriage was in trouble long before BMJen was on the scene.
I'm not saying this is the case with everyone. I am saying that what I've learned is, it is ALWAYS more complicated then we like to think it is. Please, let's be gentle with each other.
BB
You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved
Belle, I actually had a hard
Belle, I actually had a hard time with this one. I've made friends here that I don't want to hurt by what I say. But at some point I just had to stand up and tell this girl that "some" people have been there and understand. I guess I just have a hard time understanding why after 8...............I repeat 8.................8 years of marriage some still classify her as the other woman. She's not the other woman. She's his wife.....she's the step mom. This is a site for step moms, and no matter how that came to pass we need to be here for one another.
There was a point that I came here bashing the BM. I hated her! She freaking hated me! We stepped on each other's toes every chance we got. We wanted to tear each other's eyes out. And for what? For DH? No..........it's much more than that!
I hate the theory of "once a cheater always a cheater" or "If he'll do it with you he'll do it to you". Yep, I heard them all and used to preach them. But like you said, life throws you all kinds of twist and turns. If it hadn't thrown me the most challenging thing ever I wouldn't have my husband, my soulmate, and my beautiful baby girl. I would have walked away. He would have walked away.
That's what we all seem to forget in this. HIM! How can the woman be the homewrecker when the man is the one that stood before God and all his friends and family and said those vows? I never said a single one to the BM. I didn't know the BM. Never met her. How did I catch more grief than Juice did? It's simple really. It's much easier to blame me. It's much easier to say that he'll cheat on me to.
Look at so many American love tales. Who didn't root for June and Johnny Cash to be together? WHO? We all root for LOVE in the movies, but when it comes down to it if you are the OW then you are a liar, you are evil, you are terrible. I just don't give into that anymore.
I just don't. And I'm not sorry if it offends anyone.
I was a wife before I met my soulmate. I had a husband who cheated on me. The day I left him she was passing me in the hall way with boxes moving in. I know how it feels. After that I SWORE I would never be in that situation. I would NEVER even debate being with a married man. Then I met Juice. Then I met him. He's the love of my life and I'm the love of his. We're destined to be togheter. Our lives were planned far before we met, that I'm sure of.
My relationship with BM was very rocky, and to be expected. I tried to stay out of her way and she tried to stay in mine! LOL! We found our way, both of us, together. She's amazing and I love her. I really do, the BM in my life is also a soul mate of mine. Imagine that. But I wouldn't have known that if it weren't for this site and for the girls that did stick up for me and talk to me. I debated leaving time and time again for the harsh responses I got. But I didn't, and I hope that OP doesn't either based on what all she's been told and called.
Those who sit on their high horse of judgement should really look within. What have YOU done in YOUR life that could be judged?
And belle, this isn't all at you honey, it's just got to get out of me one way or another!
I'm very glad to be considered a friend of a person like you. You're a person that came forth with your concerns and questions about your dear friends, and how could they ever have been the OW! I respect that. You drew your line in the sand clear. Mean what you say and say what you mean, I have a feeling that you and I both believe that.
Absolutely, Jen. You made
Absolutely, Jen. You made me cry just now, honey! And I don't cry easily. Love you!
And one more thing:
"We all root for LOVE in the movies, but when it comes down to it if you are the OW then you are a liar, you are evil, you are terrible. I just don't give into that anymore."
Funny, isn't it? If you substitute "stepmom" for OW in this sentence, it starts to put things in perspective. Most all of us are here because having the label of "stepmom" makes certain people in our lives think of us as "liar, evil,terrible." We all know we are not that. We all know it's more complicated than that.
BB
You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved
Awwww.......I love you
Awwww.......I love you to!
Isn't it amazing that when we really look close we are all fighting the same battle?
Step mom, OW, blonde, black, white, no matter what we all have a label. And they suck. I guess now I understand why TheWife was fussing the other day, I get it now girl!
Being classified as this or that sucks ass.
I agree. And being labeled
I agree. And being labeled as one thing or another ends up being worthless.
As you say, even if you start out as "the Other Woman", eventually you become the Wife. And then the Mother of His Children. Honestly, no label can ever encompass the complex reality of our lives. And frankly, attempts to classify others as One Thing Alone will never be anything but incomplete. If we want to understand one another at all, we have to resist the impulses to see the world as either/or. We all have multiple experiences, and as BMJen says, we are all fighting the same battles. We can choose to look at others as friends, or as enemies. But ultimately, the choices we make are ours alone, and we have to live with those consequences at 3 am. when we can't sleep.
BB
You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved
Well said BMJen. My
Well said BMJen. My relationship with DH began as an emotional affair. I've taken flak for it on here, but I don't care. I know in my heart that I saved his life by helping him leave that evil witch. I have no worries about him doing the same to me. It was fate that we met. I truly believe that.
My only issue with this poster was that she seems to think that BMs "no" means "lets negotiate" when it comes to entering her home and that stuck a nerve because that is how Wingnut operates. She can't hear no. She thinks it means if she keeps pressuring, guilting, threatening, that she'll get her way.
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
Love you Jen!
Love you Jen!
I too admire Jen's bravery
I too admire Jen's bravery in these situations. I have not been in that situation myself but I can see how it happens sometimes. At least one very strong relationship I know started that way.
I think people get married too young, then change, may be a part of it. It is hard to be married, I am not sure it is a natural state, although I do love it and hope I get a really long time of it, before one of us goes.
But I remember realizing, after I got married around age 40, that it meant I could no longer date, and was sad. Because I had finally figured out how to do it!
But Jen definitely rocks in how open you talk about it, and that even with that you have somehow gotten BM to accept you - that is more than a lot of us can say. Go Jen-!!!!
_________________________________________________________
“Learn by practice.” - Martha Graham
Thanks. It wasn't easy,
Thanks. It wasn't easy, getting BM's approval.......nor would I expect it to be! But I've had my ass tore up here time and time again because of it! LOL!
I just hate to see someone else ran off because of how her relationship started 8 years ago. Hell, she has 4 years on me! Imagine how strong THEIR relationship is. KWIM?
And by the way, I am also a
And by the way, I am also a Christian. I have been a child of God for more than 15 years now. I know that my place is made before me by Jesus. And you do to.
I love it when people try to use the bible as their way of judgement. LOVE it! But you and I both know better. Just hold on to your faith and what you feel, that's half the battle.
Jen, I know that was
Jen, I know that was difficult for you... but thank you. I've been trying to play advocate lately on a couple of threads, where for some reason.... perhaps because as steps we get frustrated, people tear a poster apart rather than provide the support we're here to provide. It's been totally bumming me out! I haven't been torn apart here, but I feel so deeply for those who are. How frustrated we get as Moms, how much we need each other... I can't stand the caddy, holier than thou, or simple shame people have shown other people here!!!!! I agree so much with what you've said.... I just want to say thank you. I was given a thank you on this thread earlier this evening that I beleive truly applies to you tenfold!
hmmm yes we had been married
hmmm yes we had been married for a year, when asked whos mum I was at one of the kids after school games I told her friend that I am her boys step mom.
She got very upset, she thought I had said i was his mom.
She rang me up and told me she was upset that I had said I was his mom.
I explained that I said i was his step mom, and she still got upset.
She thought that only parents that live with the children could be called step parents.
I explained that I was married to the kids dad and therefore am a step mom.
She didn't apologize until she talked to many friends and looked it up on the net.
I am really glad for the more positive insights in recent posts.
I did only come here for advice and not a b*tch slapping.
So thank you to those who havn't judged me.
At the end of the day the advice is the same, Give her space and respect her boundaries.
That is all I needed to hear.
I am going to ring her now and apologize.
Thank you
That was very brave of you
That was very brave of you Kat. I don't see you differently. You sought therapy. You realized it was destructive (not only to those other families but to yourself). Hugs.
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
I havent read the other
I havent read the other responses, but I think she only said yes to you because you put her on the spot. She is never going to want you in her home, so you really need to let it go and let her be. Maybe it would be better for her to be able to forgive, but thats her battle, not yours. You can't make her or control how she feels. Maybe once her kids are grown and she has moved on she will let go, but being married 19 years, its gonna take a looonnnnggg time for her to do that. I say let her be and dont bring it up anymore. Respect her wishes in regards to her home.
Don't call her!!!!! That is
Don't call her!!!!!
That is an open wound. Leave her alone. Just drop the whole thing. I have watched my mom fester the last twelve years over this. This woman has incredible grace for not punching you in the face. I know you have been with him for 8 years. I respect that. But, leave her alone. You do not need to have any dealings with her. I see our BM about once every 6 months. She is not my family. This woman is not yours. Please do not call her. This is wrong.
hmm.. well at this point
hmm.. well at this point just be glad that BM is not totally bitter and mental and is at least willing to be civilized with you. I would suggest that you not venture into her home. She's right. There HAS to be boundaries. Me and BM don't hate each other but other than the foyer we do not go into each other's homes. There's simply no need to.
Home is symbolic of the life that you have created for yourself. It should be a safe haven. You are judged all day long by everyone (attire at work, manners at restaurant during lunch, etc). Why would you want to be judged on how you keep your home as well? Especially by BM?!? Life is stressful enought without having to worry about what the BM/SM thinks of your home.
Respect her wishes just as I'm sure she would respect yours. It will be better for all in the end. Even in best case scenarios between BM and SM there HAS to be boundaries and safe havens for both sides. Because of the delicate nature of this kind of "relationship" its very rare and difficult to reach the point where you can share absolutly everything with each other.
If I were in your shoes Mary
If I were in your shoes Mary Sue, I'd let it go. In fact, I'd expect to NEVER be welcome. I know it's been 8 years and even if she's moved on, it still leaves a bitter taste in her mouth and it's just safer for her to keep a huge boundary between you guys. My FH and I got together more than a year after his divorce was final. This was the marital home and his ex-wife, BM, is visibly uncomfortable whenever she comes here (rare). She stays at the door or just in the entryway if she's invited in. When I went with FH over to her new hubby's house (SS wanted to show us his room there), she looked just as uncomfortable with us being in the house. I get it. My house, my turf, her house, her turf.