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Should we move out of state?

Glanisha's picture

I have a 10year old SS AND A 15year old SD. My husband and I have been married for 6 years and love in Louisiana.. The current visitation is one weeknight, and every other weekend Thursday to Monday. During the summer the children stay with us and see their mother every other weekend. The holidays are split. We have lived in a small town for years because my dh wanted to be there for his children and be involved in all their activities. We have always planned on loving once SS gets older. He now may have the opportunity to move to Maryland. At first we weren’t considering it but my Sd has expressed that she doesn’t want that custody schedule anymore and would like to come as she wants. So the hardest part would be to leave SS. He adores his father and is as sweet as can be. If we do leave what kind of custody arrangement do people in this type situation have? My dh is afraid that if we leave bm will poison the children against him and that their relationship will not be the same. We also just had a baby and the idea of leaving and never having to deal w bm sounds so amazing!

BethAnne's picture

We moved from the west coast to Illinois. Sd came with us initially and spent the academic year with us and then winter vacation and summer vacation with her mother. After just over two years of this BM and my husband agreed to switch the arrangement. So now sd is with BM for the academic year and visits us for winter break and summer vacation, plus my husband has arranged that his mom (who lives on the west coast) will have sd for either thanksgiving or spring break and BM gets to decide which. They have agreed that custody will switch back every 2 years. I am not sure if the switch back will happen yet (I am cynical) but we will see.

BethAnne's picture

It was just like usual this winter, though sd is still young (10) and she was completely spoilt by my husband in terms of gifts she received. She and my husband have a good relationship and she was largely well behaved (her sleep schedule got messed up a bit so there was a small amount of tantrums as she was over tired a couple of days). I was nervous seeing her as although my husband talks to her weekly I had hardly spoken to her in months and I was worried she might not be so receptive to me, but the time apart did not seem to have made a difference for now. Also my sd’s BM is not the best but she does not actively PAS against my husband. My sd seems to be pretty resilient to change (she has had to be). I have no idea how this would translate for your step kids.

Being thousands of miles away from BM made a huge difference in our stress levels and is always counted as a negative whenever the topic of moving back west comes up.

Glanisha's picture

One of the major reasons I would like to move is to get away from BM. I just feel like I’ve had enough. I am just worried about my step son and husband relationship since he won’t be able to see him weekly like he does now but ultimately we may just have to do it and see how it goes. I wish we could take him with us but there’s no way BM would ever agree to that. She already poisons the children against both of us so my husband is worried that the move will ruin his relationship with his children.

Willow2010's picture

Hmmmm…I get it. I really do. But…. His and his kids relationship will never be the same if your DH up and moves. Let me ask you this….would you be ok to move away from your child? I know I could not do it. Yet it amazes me how some people are just so easy to move away from their kids. Sad really
Your DH will regret it. And he will blame you if you are pushing the issue right now. Just saying.

Goodluck's picture

Not a good idea for kids and for dh. BY proxy not a good idea for you either.

Besides Maryland is ok to drive thru but to live there NOT a chance. Do you like awful weather from mid to late Sept... cold, snow, cold, more cold SUPER cold, howling wind and ice and snow... and then you come in to April--icky rain and maybe sleet. Finally in May it will change. Summer is short lived June-peeks in July and drops late Aug.

THAT is just the weather. The drama wont stay where you left in La it will just get worse and more expensive.

There are a lot of great step parents here that can help you with most everything.

Welcome to st
GOOD Luck with your decision process

futurobrillante99's picture

I live in Maryland. My chief complaint is the cost of living....oh, and taxes.

The weather is not that bad, actually. This year's cold blast was a bit unusual. We have great roads, a lot of great school systems, and lots of job opportunities.

mro's picture

I lived there for 10 years. The traffic is horrible if you are in the DC or Baltimore metropolitan area. On the other hand, it's a beautiful state with lots to offer. We were two hours away from ocean to the east and mountains to the west.

Regardless, I can't imagine moving halfway across the country from my minor child. Or being married to someone who would do the same.

BethAnne's picture

For us the move was 100% a decision I left up to my husband as I could not in any way tell him to leave his daughter behind (as was the original plan) and him only see her for vacations. My husband though thought that it would be good for us all and he grew up with a dad in the military so he knows first hand that kids do not necessarily suffer from being far from a parent. And is used to the concept of parents being taken away due to work.

In the end BM became homeless just before we left and my husband offered to give her slightly less than the child support she would be due for 1 year if sd came to live with us. They had a non formal agreement that the custody would reconsidered and perhaps be swapped back if BM was in a more stable position in 2 years time. BM chose to let sd come with us.

In the end I think that the move has been positive for everyone involved. BM finally sorted herself out and has been earning her own money for nearly 2 years now (only got a job once her payments ended-what a surprise). Has just moved into an appartment. And has a boyfriend for just over a year. Sd got a really stable and supportive home when she was with us and thrived at school when she could stay in the same one for 2.5 years (when she was with BM she moved to 4 different schools in one year). We tried to get good positive routines for sd and helped her to foster lasting relationships with her friends from school as well as helping her to catch up and achieve accademically and be able to do extra curricular activities. Sd did expressed that she missed her mom sometimes, but it didn’t seem to weigh on her. She got to spend the entire summer vacation and winter break with her mom. My husband’s stress levels reduced significantly when we were away from BM and he didn’t have such frequent interactions with her and he didn’t have to worry about sd’s welfare. He also had a better paying more secure job. My stress levels also reduced away from BM.

Now that the custody arrangement has swapped back we are a little apprehensive about sd’s schooling and her grades (yet to find out what they are) but BM is making efforts to at least keep sd in the same school. BM has moved once since sd moved back, hopefully though she will stay where she is for a while. I was against sd moving back, but not having a child to worry about in the home has eased our stress and improved our social lives here and it gives sd some time with her mom and baby brother.

I am not saying that every situation is going to work out well, but just to add a story of one that worked out ok if not well for everyone involved (for now at least). Moving away does not always have to be traumatic or detrimental.

WTF...REALLY's picture

We moved away from BM....SD came with us as BM did not want the reasonability. Even from a far...she was able to poison SD against us. So thank goodness we at least not have to be around BM anymore...the poisoning was goin to happen no matter where we lived.