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Moving to another state

Glanisha's picture
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Fb has joint custody of sd 15 and ss 10. He sees the children every other weekend Thur - mon, and on his off weekend on Thur night. During the summer custody reversed to where they are with us during the week and she gets them every other weekend. DH gets them for spring break, bm gets them for Easter and they split Christmas break. DH got a job offer in the east coast. Dh and be have always wanted to move since they are both not from here and most family is in Kentucky. I believe bm will move when sd graduates from high school inn3 years. DH has stayed in this town for the children since they divorced 7 years ago but now there’s an opportunity to move. Problem is he is struggling with leaving ss and how this may affect him. DH is the disciplinarian and has had to keep ss in check whereas bm is much more linient. They do not get along which would be great to be away from all the drama.

Question is what type of custody arrangement can dh ask for if he decides to move? Is there a chance he can get custody of ss? Sd will not want to live with dh, she already prefers to stay at bm since she can do what she wants there. Would a judge split up ss & sd? We have a daughter as well so there’s a sibling in the household.
He hasn’t decided on whether or not he will take the job. It’s a matter of should he leave now or wait until bm tries to move in about 3 years when sd goes to college

MoominMama's picture

I don't think a judge would want to split siblings up. They don't like to take youngish children away from BM's either BUT your SS is getting towards teenage years and for boys it is very important that they see their father.

I don't know how far away you have moved but it sounds like its quite a distance. I think it would be a good idea to get some legal advice about this before he decides to take the job or not. It may be that you can have skids for all the holidays and they stay with BM for the school times.

Don't know what your CO says but usually the person that moves away has to bear the brunt of the travel costs.

beebeel's picture

My parents split up their kids when they divorced. I lived with my mom and my little brother lived with my dad. It destroyed the sibling relationship between us for years. Don't ever ask a child to choose between family. It is a really shitty thing to do.

Glanisha's picture

Exactly what I was thinking. Sd is leaving for college in 3 years anyways. Did your parents ask you guys to choose who you want to live with?

beebeel's picture

Yes they did. I was 12/13 my little brother was 10/11. We didn't have a relationship again until we were in college and in our early 20s. Neither of us forgives our mom for this (she was the one who made us choose).

Just J's picture

That's incorrect. I would not use such absolute terms like that because there are always exceptions. Our BM's husband lost in court when his ex wanted to move to another state due to her husband's job. All family was in our state, there was nothing in the other state except for the husband's job, and she still won. Never say never, it's always a possibility.

Ispofacto's picture

I've read and read and read, and only seen this happen when the parent already has custody.

Rags's picture

One of the advantages that an NCP has is that they can usually prevent a CP from moving the kids away. Though not always.

In my DW's case.. she was awarded full physical and legal custody of my SS nearly at birth and took him out of state so she could attend college when SS was 1yo.

The NCP didn't say anything about it until months after she had moved when the hometown grapevine was talking about her meeting and dating someone. By then.... it was too late for them to do anything about her moving out of state.

Your DH should be able to prevent BM from moving his son as you suspect she intends to do one the daughter finishes HS. If that is what he wants to do.

That said... if the job offer your DH has is the best choice for your marriage and family then that is what you should do. He can get a long distance visitation order and schedule set up so he can maintain a relationship with his kids. If SD wants to move in with you (and you and DH are in agreement on that) when she graduates then so be it. Once your DH moves... then he won't have much influence over a move by BM.

IMHO of course.

Swim_Mom's picture

You have to do what is right for the whole family overall. DH should be prepared though, that his relationship with his son may never be the same. My ex-H moved across the country 6 months after we divorced - at the time my kids were 14, 13 and 9. He was never exactly father of the year to begin with, but despite the fact he has still seen them pretty regularly and flew back every other weekend, he has zero relationship with any of them. I'm sure it is possible to do, but in ex-H's case this was an abysmal failure. It's difficult to be a long distance parent - a lot of parenting is about the day to day stuff like driving them to sports and helping with homework. In this case everything tends to be a scheduled activity - works less and less as kids get older.

Only if you care of course...

Pinellasmom's picture

a parent who moved have more custoday.  Would get typical long distance (more time in summer, breaks).  Unless the ex will volunarily agree to this, I do not see it happenining.  Even if SS wants this, at his age, 10, I dont see a judge giving that much credence.

Rags's picture

Kids do not get to choose where they live.  As much as some may think that is the case in their State.  Only in limited jurisdictions will a Judge even be allowed to hear what the child would like as far as which parent will be custodial.  In relatively few States the kid can cummunicate with the Courts what their preference may be but Judge is not required to either hear or act on what the kid says they want.

The decisioning authority remains with the Courts if the parents are incable of making a joint decision.

My DW left SpermLand to attend university out of state and took SS with her. She had booted the serially statutory rapist cheating SpermIdiot several months before.  She had full physical and legal custody and the SpermIdiot and the SpermClan did not object until after the fact.  When they heard through the small town grape vine that DW was dating someone they went after custody.  They failed.

If there is no CO then either parent can move as they choose as is the case for a pregnant woman.

If there are any doubts about the viability of the adult relationship, these are great options but are very limited as far as time is concerned. Once there is a CO in place, moving is problematic at best.

IMHO of course.