should i give up?
A quick history - i am stepmother to a five year old girl, her mum died when she was two. i have been in her life for 18 months now. At first i put her behaviour down to the fact that she was grieving and have bent over backwards for her and my partner. When she was throwing tantrums all the time it was put down to a "phase" and when she was hitting me and kicking me it was put down to a "phase" , the list goes on and on and i have tolerated it all and have been as patient as i can.
But lately, it has been wearing me down so much. My boyfriend and i have a wonderful relationship and i love him so very much, the only arguments we have had have been about his daughter and his lack of consistency when she is badly behaved. There are no consequences and it feels like she almost gets rewarded for being bold. He cant see my point of view at all, says shes a spirited child and he doesnt want to break that with rules and disipline.
So .. where does that leave me? I just spent an unenjoyable weekend that should have been fun, because she moaned constantly,kept telling me my clothes were horrible, even went as far as to say i had horrible eyes! She kept banging her scooter into the back of my leg yesterday in town and everytime my boyfriends back was turned she was giving me the evil looks and sticking her tongue out.
She is really playing us off against eachother but my boyfriend said its all in my head and shes only five and i,m making a big deal out of nothing. We went to a cafe and she proceeded as usual to demand this and that, which my boyfriend got her, then when it arrived had a tantrum and said she wanted something else. It was just miserable to be honest, i started my day happy and excited as we were supposed to be getting our xmas tree, but she sucked the good out of the day. We left the cafe and my boyfriend said she could go to the funfair (after threatening all day that if she didnt behave she wouldn't be allowed to go). At this point i said i was going home, and off she went to the fair, rewarded again for being a brat.
When i sat down to talk to my boyfriend about it last night, his opening line was " so whats wrong now!"
I just didn't have the energy or the will to have the argument again, i feel beaten.
The last time this happened we were at the zoo and she scratched her nails all down my arms, she was told all the way home in the car that she was going straight to bed, i went to the shop when home, and when i came back she was sitting in front of the television watching cartoons. when i asked boyfriend why she wasn't in bed, he said she said sorry. I threatened to leave after that. And now here we are again, and i'm ever so closer to the door this time.
Thanks for listening.
Reread what yu just wrote
Reread what yu just wrote here a couple times and try to imagine that you are reading it for the first time on step talk. What would be your advice to yourself? If DH isn't stepping up now, do you think it will get any better as she gets older?
I agree - couples counseling
I agree - couples counseling for the two adults, play therapy for the little one (she is likely still grieving), and family counseling for all of you.
I have a spirited child - and
I have a spirited child - and she would be a nightmare if she didn't have rules and boundaries!!! I know this is going to sound harsh, and I am so sorry - however, I hope you see that you do not have a great relationship if he does not listen to or try to resolve the concerns you have about a child that is hurting you both physically and emotionally. And it sounds like he is unsupportive of your desire to put in boundaries for this child, when she clearly needs them. If he does not start soon, I can tell you that you are in for true misery once 11, 12, 13, and beyond come around.
Yes, she may still have unprocessed grief. But walking around terrorizing you and ignoring that grief is not going to help her get any sense of closer or resolution. I would also suggest counseling. Both for her and the two of you - chances are that any good therapist or counselor will want the two to overlap anyways since they are both tied to each other. If he is not willing to do this, you may need to follow your instinct. The child is not the problem. She is doing what she is being taught is acceptable. Your relationship with DH and the parenting path that has been chosen is the problem. If that can't be fixed, then you're doomed.
Good luck.
She may feel like your taking
She may feel like your taking her daddy away from her. She's had him all to herself since her mom died, and may be afraid she could lose another parent.
It could be a tough road for a while, and it's difficult, but you need to decide whether or not your relationship is worth it, and what you want out of life.
I came into my SD's life around that age after it had been just her and her dad for years. She did some of the things you describe your BF's daughter doing. I had to be strong, realize it for what it was, (an insecure child), and try to be as supportive and nuturing as I could. She eventually came around and even started to tell me that she loves me.
Like others have said, counseling could be a big help.
Well as I am reading this I
Well as I am reading this I am thinking to myself. Oh how I can relate. I have been giving advice to run fast and run hard but am still working on that. I don't think it gets any better for us step parents. The bio doesn't care because it is their spawn. If it was my kid I would deal with it and parent them. As a step I am disengaging and nor do I care. Us, well we are suppose to feel that strong loving bond that they do. I mean they are kids! sarcasm.
My girlfriends kid is also 6. And a terror like your story happens weekly if not daily. Her deadbeat father might of well be passed away. I think kids have many more emotional and outburst problems when their bio parents are gone or pieces of crap. I'm looking down the road and it seems to get worse is their teen years. Then god forbid this SD gets knocked up or doesn't move out of the house. FML.
My advice to you love, is simple. Try to accept the situation. Work with your boyfriend and don't back down. If you find yourself unhappy more than happy. Then it is time leave and change the relationship.
I am starting to feel that this blended family situation tends to break down a persons spirit. Sometimes one person, sometimes both and sometimes everyone involved. Don't fall trap.
Oh how I can definitely
Oh how I can definitely relate to this one. If your relationship is good except for your step-daughter, trust me, it won't be good for very much longer. No one can tolerate this, and you've got at least 13 more years to go, and it will get worse. Firstly, you and your boyfriend need to be on the same page. Whether you get a counselor involved, or have a strong heart-to-heart, you need to be together on how this child will be raised. There's some good in it, you don't have an alienating BM striking your every move, so really her behavior should be easily corrected, as long as your boyfriend develops no tolerance for this. My daughter was 3 when her dad and I split, and she definitely had her share of "phases" during that period. My mom would always try and protect her from discipline when she had it coming, and my response to her was "I understand where her behavior is coming from, but that doesn't mean I can let the behavior go, or she'll never learn it's inappropriate!" and the longer you wait, the harder it will become.
Kids are kids. They're half genetics, half responding to their environment. If they're allowed to get away with murder, they will commit murder. So, next time she sticks her tongue out at you, or kicks you, draw attention to it in front of your boyfriend. "What are you doing? Why are you kicking me? Why are you sticking your tongue out at me?" Make him see it happening. If he refuses, then this is not the family for you. No one could tolerate that, and after 13 years of it, if it continues, one thing is she won't be going away, and another, your relationship will have deteriorated so badly that you won't care to stay.