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Should I do a paternity test

caligirl510's picture

my fiance's child was brought into his life when the child was 2 years old BM stating it was his child, but there never has been any paternity established and BM was living with another man at the time, should I perform a paternity test at home since my fiance doesn't seem to care, but curiosity is taking over, what shall I do

SM12's picture

If your SO doesn’t want the test or care, neither should you!  Not your business to get a test done.   

Siemprematahari's picture

I can understand your curiosity to know the paternity but if he doesn't care to have one done than there isn't much you can do. Let's say you did do this, if you get results that the child isn't his and you approach him on it.....will he care, will he be upset, will it change anything?

caligirl510's picture

been telling me to do it, but I'm not sure if I should I think the best thing is not too as it is his responsibility not mine, although I take care of SS5 most of the time

SteppedOut's picture

Why do you take care of his kid most of the time? Thr kid is there to spend time with him, not you. 

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

No. It’s not your place to do one and I see it turning out bad no matter what happens.

BM is a known cheater and for both kids she only told SO she was pregnant after he caught her cheating. As you can guess when he told me this I asked him if he was sure both kids are his. His answer is yes. Doesn’t matter if DNA said they aren’t tomorrow because he sees them as his and I can either accept that or not.

STaround's picture

is paying CS through the courts?  Hasn't he conceded to paternity?

caligirl510's picture

paying CS to the court and has him 75% of the time, the court never ordered a paternity test as he accepted the child as his although he doesn't look like him at all

lieutenant_dad's picture

So he has accepted legal responsibility for the child. Even if he found out the kid isn't his bio, he'll still be on the hook for CS and still have parental rights. Knowing will only make it harder for him to pay CS for the next 13 years.

justmakingthebest's picture

Home tests are wildly inaccurate it's something like 40% of tests can be wrong. Even if it did come back with a result one way or the other, it shouldn't be trusted. 

tog redux's picture

What would be your plan?

You: SO, I've done a paternity test, behind your back, and it says the child is not yours!!"

SO:  Get out of my house. Now.

Annoyed1's picture

I'm going against the popular opinion here. Yes, absolutely. Have him get a paternity test. I don't know your backstory, but if you were together with him before you thought he had this child, it is absolutely YOUR problem too. This would be a dealbreaker for me. He needs to take your feelings into account here. That's a lot of money going out of your household for a child whose BM claims is his. Is he just going to let a bunch of other women hop on this money train too? 

STaround's picture

He is already paying CS and has parenting time.  The time to get a DNA test is the minute a man is told of being a parent.  In many states, after some time goes by, he can no longer question parentage. 

caligirl510's picture

he should of got it done before but she would threaten him about it and he never got it done

caligirl510's picture

and BM takes advantage of him and me both and I just always wonder if he really is the biological father, BM is a manipulative liar and can't trust her

tog redux's picture

Encouraging him to do it is different than doing it yourself behind his back.  If he wants to do it, he will. And if he won't, then she can decide whether to stay.

Disneyfan's picture

"Is he just going to let a bunch of other women hop on this money train too? "

Annoyed1, the man supports the OP AND her children.  It's kind of hypocritical to complain about the man supporting  one kid while he's supporting her two.

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

Encourage him to get a test in case he has enough time to get out of paying $$$ to the whore for 18+ more years. Remove your money from the communal resources if he ballks. You should not fund his ex or his pseudo kid.

caligirl510's picture

I agree

tog redux's picture

I think we all agree he SHOULD get one, but he hasn't. Clearly he's accepting that the child is his.

My SS doesn't look anything like DH, he's 8 inches taller and probably 100 lbs heavier.  But they share a genetic illness, so I know it's his son.  Frankly, I don't look anything like my father, either.

You need to leave this alone and either accept this kid as his, or move on.

Siemprematahari's picture

I don't know the state you live in but if your SO is paying child support and the child is not his he may still be liable to pay. I know a few people in NY that this has happened to.

notarelative's picture

He has accepted paternity in court. Even if a paternity test shows that he is not the biological father, he is the legal father. A paternity test will not change his legal status.

He chose not to get a paternity test. That ship has sailed. So NO, do not do a secret paternity test. It is time to accept that the child is his (because it is his child no matter what a paternity test may show).

CLove's picture

This came up in another post. Paternity.

I would say that you should have him get the child tested. If he is court ordered to pay child support, better to know, and have the chance to NOT pay it, and sooner is better. If you are starting to be resentful NOW of the TROLL taking $$$ from your household, over time you will feel WORSE. Especially when you want your own children.

Either way, get the paternity test, make that a major toic of discussion. Because when you get married, your finances will be tied up even more closely. I know for myself, I really have started resenting the 347 that flies out of DH's wallet and into Toxic Troll's bank account. Even more than the alimony!!! I dearly love Munchkin SD12, but despise the BM.

Jcksjj's picture

Well it's really not your place so overall, no. Though I get where people are coming from with the hes her dad no matter what, I always wonder about the real biodad. It just seems wrong that someone has no clue they have a child and another man is raising it because BM lied. Dh didn't know if SD was his until after she was born and BM never told the other possible dads because she was hoping it was DHs. Dh said he was there for the birth a d everything because he would never get over it if it turned out she was his and I'm just like okay so what if it's someone else's and they didnt get the chance to be there?

caligirl510's picture

On the birth certificate & he was not there for the birth the other man was

Jcksjj's picture

Uh, I dont really get what hes doing then. Hes just randomly seeing a kid that he may or may not be the father to based on the moms word? Did she break up with the other guy and then come knock on his door again or what?

caligirl510's picture

thats exactly what happened actually the other guy was sent to prison so she came back 

Jcksjj's picture

Nvm I read more of the other posts...he should have asked for one right away. I have no idea why someone wouldn't in that situation. But he didnt and that was his choice. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Not being on the BC doesn't mean he isn't legally the father. That just means he didn't spend the funds to amend the BC after paternity was established. If he wanted his name added to the BC, he legally could.

still learning's picture

My understanding is that the father has to be present and consent to have his name added to the birth certificate or agree to afterwards.  It would seem that at some point your guy consented to this very well knowing that the kid may not be his.  

caligirl510's picture

I’ve told him to do this plenty of times & he says he will but doesn’t do it

Jcksjj's picture

He obviously wants to be the dad then. Doing a DNA test probably isnt going to change the situation at all.

Maxwell09's picture

Yes. Absolutely. The kid is so young that y’all need to make sure if you’re about to put up with this crazy BM that she can’t come back at 16 and say “just kidding you’re not the dad” and run off with the kid after years of getting attached and paid child support. Tell him it’s just something he will have to get done eventually anyway so he might as well do it now. 

MrsStepMom's picture

Well first, I'd never be with a man who didn't even know if the kid was him but was paying for it and making me fing watch him. NO! But let me help you further. DO NOT marry this man. Your life will be miserable forever. DO NOT marry someone with children. Or someone stupid enough to not get a paternity test to begin with. How else will his stupididy rear it's ugly head?

Curious Georgetta's picture

and position clear. She has no standing  to act contrary to his position.

She can decide if she wishes to remain in this relationship, but that is really the only choice open to her. She can stay or go.

Her boyfriend has been open and upfront. She has entertained the notion of acting in a deceptive and underhanded manner.

Her boyfriend deserves better and the OP has a choice that she can freely make based upon her partner's open and honest disclosure.

simifan's picture

We did a home DNA test on SD when she was 5. ExH knew she might not be his but was in denial when she was born.  By this time, SD was his child regardless - Either way he was keeping visitation and child support. However, BM moved 800 miles away. If we were going to fight to bring SD back, I had to know to fork up that kind of money. We did a home test because he knew BM would hold it against him and tell SD all kinds of nasty things. SD was exH bio child and exH got custody.

flmomma08's picture

I believe there should be a paternity test done when every baby is born (yes I know this would never happen). Everyone has a right to know whether or not the child they are being told is theirs is actually theirs. I agree with the paternity test, but I think it should be done through the court. I know this is different state to state, but where I live, I have a friend who had a baby with a man she was not married to. He did sign the birth certificate, but later questioned the paternity (thought the kid looked nothing like him and found out the friend had been with another man). He had a paternity test done through court, and if it ended up not being his child he would NOT have to support that child and could be removed from the birth certificate (it did end up that the child was his). You'll have to find out how it works in your state and whether he can be removed from the birth certificate or what their process is like. And what will your fiancee do if its not his kid? Does he still want to support and see the kid?

caligirl510's picture

he would do if it's not his kid it's like he doesn't even want to think about it not being his hes in denial that it might not be

flmomma08's picture

Yeah, my DH was the same way. I suggested he take a paternity test years ago and he refused to do it. Said it doesn't matter what it says, SD is his kid. This is why I think they should be done at birth.

Curious Georgetta's picture

The father in question has willingly and seemingly happily accepted and acknowledging paternity.

Why would anyone else feel that they had a right to involve themselves in this matter? That is offensive on so many different levels. I cannot understand why a partner would be willing to remain with someone who choose to insinuate themselves in such a manner in so personal a matter.

If the OP objects to her partners position. In this matter, she is not being held captive in the relationship. She can simply remove herself from the relationship.

The father does not use it to any current or future partner any willingness to reexamine his paternity position. It takes a great deal of arrogance to think that would even be a reasonable suggestion.


flmomma08's picture

Why would anyone else feel that they had a right to involve themselves in this matter?


...because her time, energy, and funds are going toward supporting a child who might not even be her dh's child to begin with. I would say this DOES absolutely concern her. Not much she can actually do about it if he refuses to test paternity, but I can absolutely understand why it is an issue to her.

Curious Georgetta's picture

her money or time was going to support thischild, and in any case she entered into the relationship with open disclosure from her parner. If his money and time are being spent on his child to his delight and pleasurepleasure, that does not involve the OP.

This is not a broken situation that requires fixing. This is a situation that the OP, with full and open disclosure, has chosen to enter. If she is having second thoughts , she is free to leave.

Leilene's picture

It’s respectable and honorable in a way that your fiancé doesn’t care. However, him tackling the father role is going to impact your life and your finances so if you feel it’s a deciding factor in whether or not you want to be married to this man, you need to know. Just don’t go in expecting him to depart from that role even if it’s not his child. Keep in mind you can only control your next move

Rags's picture

Absolutely. I would do the test if I were you.  That your DH tolerates BM to potentially defraud him with the responsibility of raising a child that is not his would not be something I would tolerate if I were  you.

DjD4u's picture


although you can have a simple curiosity test or a legal DNA test, I would recommend that you get the legal. Often oncew a non-lagal test is done, and the results are not what they want, they run for the hills.  If you buy a lagal dna test from an AABB accredited lab, then your test results will be valid in all 50 states, and the law can catch with them and get you the CS you need....  Check out you can get a legal DNA test for only $175 at you doctor's office for the DNA collection.

lorlors's picture

Where there is any ambiguity over a child's origins a DNA test should be done. 

Rags's picture

Absolutely you should.  Why allow this woman to extort money from your marrital resources if your DH is not the biodad?

Giving DH clarity if it turns out that he is not the biodad will go a long way in purging this woman from your lives.

If it turns out that DH is the father... what he doesn't know regarding you having the test done won't hurt him.

Either way, you will know what playing field your playing on regarding your status as an SM.... or not.