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Have You Thought About Doing A DNA On Alleged Child Of Your Spouse/Partner????

MarselleB's picture

This seems to be a bigger problem than people want to accept. I've seen many men who allowed their names on Birth Certificates without paternity being established. My husband was with a gf for a short time, she purposely got pregnant. They split up and he started dating me. Honestly, right away I thought it odd the child didn't look like him. Then a few years later we got married and I moved into his house. Well I was going through the attic, and found boxes filled with old pictures of his ex gf. Many were of her ex, and right away I saw he looked just like the son. And then I remembered he said she was still seeing him he believed when she got pregnant.

This was back in the early 90's and dna wasn't really around, just blood tests I believe. So long story short, I believe he paid for someone else's child. I also found out, there was nothing we could do, because he was already the father on the BC, and today they have a finite time to establish paternity or dispute it.

She took my husband to court once we started having our own children for more money, and myself and the lawyer tried to get him to at least establish whether he was the bio or not, and he wouldn't. Obviously, he didn't want to be embarrassed, and since it wouldn't change anything legally that is why...from his perspective.

Today you can order a dna kit from the internet (reliable lab), and do it without the persons knowledge. I'm wondering if anyone else has had these issues?? For me, I think our children and myself have the right to know. I've heard a lot of these stories, but not too many on this forum.

MarselleB's picture

Sorry I must have hit close to home. And no I don't plan to tell the child as he is grown, but I feel myself

and children should know for sure. Why not know the truth? Also other relatives suspect the same thing. Like I said this seems to be more common, and is a sore topic for some..apparently.

QuailCreek's picture

I agree. This could cause more harm than good. Not the just the kid would suffer. The whole family would.

Orange County Ca's picture

I've been suspicious for decades that my first born was really the product of a liaison of my now ex-wife and her first husband which happened just a month or so after our marriage. I knew they were meeting and I wanted to go along but she discouraged me saying she could handle him better by herself. She probably did.

Years later I was talking to the grandmother of the ex-husband (another story) and she said that her grandson - the first husband of my ex-wife and guy in question - had suggested they get a motel room for a quickie. It was unknown if he accepted but I doubt if he didn't.

Of course by then it was too late even if DNA tests existed. He doesn't look anything like me but my current wife of 30 years now said he doesn't look like the man in question compared to his high school year book picture either. It'll remain a mystery.

If it won't change anything legally I'd leave it alone. In fact even if it did result in the ending of child support I'd recommend he leave it alone for the sake of the child in question. But for some people money is more important than the feelings a kid would have in this situation. "The truth never hurt" is BS in many cases including this one.

MarselleB's picture

I agree about not looking like you part, except when I saw he looked like her ex, lol. That changed things a lot, no I never pushed it when he paid for support because it wouldn't change anything legally.

Though our children don't consider him a sibling, they may want to know down the road. And maybe not because we hardly ever see him...he may know himself for all I know, or his mother finally told him. Like I said, I wondered people's thoughts, or similar experiences on this.

hereiam's picture

Why do you think you have the right to know?

I have always suspected that my husband's oldest daughter is not biologically his but he believes she is so that's that. Even if she wasn't his biologically, he would still love her and consider her his daughter.

My husband would take a DNA test if his daughter wanted one but she doesn't. It is none of my business and I would never do it behind his back.

QueenBeau's picture

DH did a test on SD when she was 2.

BM had just gotten pregnant with his best friend's child. He became suspicious.

She was his though. (he looks just like him but he said he just had to know for sure).

Honestly I think everyone should have one upon birth. Why not? I'd gladly take one when I have children, & I'll be married!

libra2libra83's picture

Maybe your husband has decided that he wants the child even if it is not his. Just because he may not biologically be the father does not mean that he is not the child's father through action. More and more it seems that DNA is what people go by for basing a child on theirs. People who spend the time caring and loving a child is what make him or her a parent. My SF loved me and cared for me better then my BF (who never contacted me after I turned 2). I don't think of my BF as my father. He is a sperm donor.

MarselleB's picture

Totally agree with you there, your family are the ones who are there for you.

And another good point, he chose to continue the relationship even though now he doesn't see him all that much.
However, there are our two kids who are grown, and myself who I think should know what we suspect. Our two kids, haven't been real crazy about him though haven't seen him much over the last 9 years because he is grown and lives in another city.

If not my husband I feel they should know someday, again why cover some ex gf's big lie? Possibly if we were all real close to him, and he was a part of our family it would be a non-issue possibly.

His mom also did all she could to say bad things about all of us, though we never did talk bad about her...out of our control, but she was a pretty miserable person. Is still from what I hear.

Really, I'm for all kids being dna'd at birth. This would solve so many of these problems, and it's not fair for women to do that.

libra2libra83's picture

DNAing children from birth would help a lot of problems before they ever became problems. The problem with doing a DNA test now is unless you S/O or the child that would be tested against the DNA want the test, you don't really have the right to insist that the DNA test be done. You can ask you S/O to do it, but if he refuses and your stepchild does not want it done, you shouldn't expect it to be completed.

MarselleB's picture


That's another whole story, she did the same to another guy. Two kids, never married. She told them she was on birth control, and apparently she wasn't.

No, I would only tell our kids down the road because we do deserve to know. IMO you should only be mad at the liar not the person who catches them or reports them.

Certainly your own children should know their true siblings. And other family members see it to, so not just me. Thanks again.

vya1's picture

Yep, you should have a family meeting and invite every extended family member you can find since you all have "a right to know" or "deserve to know". After all, you supposedly share a bloodline and a last name, even though some of you may only have that last name until you divorce. And that bloodline thing may be shaky unless you get everyone tested while they're at the party. I think it's BS to want to test someone else's child and to feel entitled to the information. If your name is not on the birth certificate or is not a good probability for the birth certificate, then it's not your concern. That means stepmothers, siblings, grandparents, in-laws, cousins, counselors, close friends, or curious neighbors etc. are not entitled to the information in that "who is the father?" scenario.

Shaman29's picture

Unless the adult skid and your DH want to know, then you should mind your own frigging business. This has nothing to do with you.

And no....neither you nor your bios have a right to know your skid's DNA. Again none of your business.

Your DH raised this person as his own child. He was this person's father.

I am wondering what is behind your motivation and why you would entertain this now, when he's an adult. What does it matter at this point.

If the skid wants to pursue it, then it's up to him to do so. You, as the SM, should stay as far away from this as possible.

And before you make a crappy comment about this hitting close to home for me.....skid is the spitting image of H's mother. There is no question H is her father.

Snowflake's picture

I have to respectfully disagree with this.

It is a right of every human being to know know who his or her real parents are. And it is absolutely my right as a mother whether I would like my children to have any sort of relationship with a child that is not in any way related to my children.

I can absolutely understand the dilemma that the OP is having. Just because the BM and faux-dad decided to lie to that child (now-adult), absolutely does not mean that OP is under any obligation to lie to her children. Her children have a right to know who their bio-siblings are.

Shaman29's picture

I didn't say the skid didn't have a right to know.

I said it was none of the OP's business, especially since it appears the child is an adult now.

And quite frankly, DNA doesn't make a family. Relationships do and if this kid is over 18 and his siblings have believed him to be their brother for several years and they have a decent relationship, then I have to wonder what the motivation is to find out if his DNA lines up.

For the record, my older brother is adopted. He is from my father's first marriage. He does not share my DNA in any way, shape or form. Based on your logic, then should my mother have questioned his right to be my brother or to be around my sisters and me??

Snowflake's picture

But that is a choice agreed upon by the adults involved. A child (like myself years ago) isn't given that choice.

In my personal case, DNA certainly did matter. I sought out a relationship with my bio-father (as was certainly my right) and have relationships with my bio-family. IMHO- I think it is utterly selfish to deny anyone of that right.

In the case of OP- it is her right to whether she wants to tell her kids. If the adult-skid finds out, perhaps it will provide him an opportunity to seek out the truth.

MarselleB's picture

No kidding, you are completely right, and thankfully today anyone can find out. Smile

It also isn't fair to these kids who never know who the bio dad's are.

MarselleB's picture

Thanks everyone for your comments, appreciate it.

Interesting how so many want to keep it under the rug, I guess that's human nature. My sole purpose at this point is, the kids are grown and in short I think we have the right to know the truth.

Could care a less about the bm. For family reasons, my side and his, our children I think it's important. There shouldn't be any hush hush from either side.

As for dna, actually anyone can dna a person now. You don't need their permission, it's done all the time. I'm surprised at the lack of knowledge on this. Anyone can take your gum, cigarette, eating utensil, hair from brush..and it's done all the time. So that's not a concern whatsoever.

Again thanks for your input, whether we agree or not.

vya1's picture

When you get the test done, do you know what documents you have to sign to give consent to the tests? Are you compliance with those forms, and if not, could what you're doing be considered fraud? I don't know, but it only takes one ticked off ADA to raise the question and seek an indictment.

More likely however, is the fact that this is a litigious society, and you can be sued for many things including the intentional infliction of emotional distress and violations of privacy.

Lastly, consider that you're also in the internet age. The situation could go poorly, and have many people angry at you. Would you be ok with it being made known to the world that you did this without their consent? Do you think everyone would agree that you had a right to do it? Or would they look at you as someone who overstepped a boundary, betrayed a trust, and hurt others? What if that story was in a google search for your name, or posted for strangers to read on facebook?

I have no understanding why you think your children have a right to know if their sibling is biologically related to them. There is no medical need that requires that info. They're half siblings at best, and they have their own full siblings for medical testing. It would seem you'd like the information to determine whether or not they should act like siblings, which shouldn't be your decision to make, and is disturbing given that the were raised as siblings. It would say far more about character than dna, if familial feelings can be turned off based on a dna test. You having no familial or legal relationship with the child, and therefore you have no valid entitlement to the child's dna info.

I have a suggestion. Ask the father, and ask the child. If they say no, then ask the siblings if they want to know. The siblings can take it up with the child and find out if they're related. If they're not old enough to ask, then they're not old enough to care about their dna. If they don't want to ask, that is their answer to the sibling question.

MarselleB's picture

To date private DNA collection is completely legal, unless you're breaking into someone's home. DNA from someones garbage, DNA left in your home etc. is not against the law fyi. No consent needs to be given. It's not legally admissible, but MANY people are ordering dna kits for all kinds of reasons. They are sold in some drug stores fyi.

Men who suspect their wife was unfaithful, gf, etc. They want to know info. before they go to court to avoid wasting time/money..etc.

This has also been part of investigators jobs for many collect coffee cups, dental floss, tooth brushes etc. for criminal cases, or again for private discovery. People have also been doing it for ancestral reasons.

You can try and scare people with your posts, but accredited private labs do this every day. Maury would be out of business if private tests were against the law, lol.

Also, apparently you haven't been following the thread, all are adults in this situation.

Seriously, if anyone was ever sued it would be the bio mom's for fraud, and the courts don't allow that, because their premise is the father had plenty of time to establish paternity. Though in the real world, often the man believes the woman.

Again like many have said, the bio parents should be known. And Yes it involves the spouse, and other children equally as everything always does in a family.

vya1's picture

The law is flexible and open to interpretation. Did you think it was illegal to use a website against its terms of use? Illegal?! No, until a California prosecutor charged a woman because there was no statute that allowed them to charge her with bullying a child.

Yes you can be sued, by the adults involved. If you don't think you can't be sued, do a google search for lawsuit and emotional distress. I'm not talking about the state suing you, I'm talking about one of the adults involved and any lawyer they hire. A judge could throw it out, or they could just as easily allow it. TV shows get consent, have waivers signed, and have lawyers, and they're still sued.

The situation does involve the spouse and the children and the grandparents and many more, but their rights are not equal to and certainly not superior to those of the parents and child. Of everyone in the family are you the only one requesting a dna testing? When you married the father of her child, the ex was affected, but did that give her a right to know what was happening in your life? Another point is, the parents and child have the right to know, but there is no obligation know their dna.

You didn't answer the question. Are you willing to sign your real name to this action in on the internet? It's a good question to check yourself if you're doing the right thing for the right reason.

Shaman29's picture

I guess we could go all Law and Order SVU....give them a can of soda and then use the backwash to test the DNA. }:)

EvilWickedSM's picture

I think you should let sleeping dogs lay. If the child is an adult now, what does it matter who the father really is. We all know it takes more to be a father than DNA. At this point it would do nothing more than hurt EVERYONE involved, except you it seems. You keep saying that "we" have a right to know. You're wrong, the only people who have a right to know is the child, the biological dad and the dad who has raised the child believing he was the father. Neither you, nor your children, have any right to know. If your children think of this person as their sibling why in the world would you want to hurt them by proving otherwise. If none of the people DIRECTLY (not you or your children) involved are worrying about finding out, then nobody else has any business sneaking around to find out.

libra2libra83's picture

Exactly! The only people who have a right to even ask for DNA or to do a DNA test is the child involved and the BF/Person who is considered BF. If they wanted to know for health reasons who the child takes after, then that is their choice. It is extremely selfish to believe that just because you are married to S/O and have children with them means that you can ask for something as big as a paternity test when neither party involved wants it. Doing something like this behind your S/O back is a good way to get divorced.

twopines's picture

What about this adult's right to privacy? IMO, just because you (general "you") can get his DNA doesn't mean you should.

JYMCat's picture

I've thought of doing a DNA test for my S/O and his daughter but for the opposite reason you talked about. According to my S/O, SD is a result of one of BM's many infidelities that she at the time, called rapes. S/O and BM were separated and not living together at the time that BM found out she was pregnant with SD. She, for reasons I will probably never know, called S/O to tell him that she had been raped yet again (5th time) and was pregnant but didn't want to get an abortion because she apparently had just had one. So S/O, for reasons I will NEVER understand, said that he would take her back and try to work on their marriage and raise this child as his own. SD was born, S/O is named as the father on the birth certificate and gave SD his last name. 6 months after SD was born, S/O caught BM with the bio father in a park showing him their baby. Remember, this was supposed to be the dude who raped her..... BM left with this guy AND SD while, S/O returned home alone. I don't know exactly why or how SD ended up back with S/O but she did and has been ever since. She doesn't know he's not her BD and he has main custody while BM get's away with EOW when she feels like it and pays no child support. The BIO dad has left the state apparently and in the four years of SD's life has made no attempt to have contact. I would like a paternity because I cannot wrap my mind around why a man (or anyone for that matter) would fight so hard for a child even if he wasn't with the mother.....unless the kid is his. I basically want proof that she's NOT his because if she is, that means that S/O has been lying to me from the get-go.

I'm feeling especially guilty after this post because I dream that one day, the BD will show up and SD will be taken away from S/O and go live with her BIO parents. More than one source has told S/O to legally adopt her because apparently my dream scenario is possible. I've asked him multiple times if he will and he refuses to because he feels that being on the birth certificate is enough. As much as I dream about this, I know its horrible and I hope that S/O never has to find out if it really is enough. I know my S/O would much rather never tell SD that he's not her BD but I really feel that every kid has a right to know who their parents are. Plus, what if she needs to know something about her gene history? She'll only get part of the truth because BM is only part of her. The BD is the other half and he's MIA.

BSgoinon's picture

SS is absolutely, without a shadow of a doubt my DH's son. They look EXACTLY alike. But BM was (and still is) quite the whore. I asked DH several years back what he would do if she came to him and said that she wasn't sure SS was his. He said he wouldn't want to know. SS is his son and it didn't matter either way at that point. He and BM were no longer together and he raised SS from birth (more so than BM has). Only thing it would do is break his heart.