Sharing rooms
Hi I am new here and just looking for opinions on a subject. I am married to a wonderful woman. The issue is we have 4 kids, she has a 11 year old son, I have 3 a set of 13 year old twin boys and a 8 year old daughter with down syndrome. The issue is we moved in with her and her son, there are two bedrooms and a full attic that works as a bedroom. It runs the width of the house. As of now my kids are in the attic and her son is in his bedroom. My thinking is that we should put all the boys in the attic and give my daughter the bedroom. She says no it's a fire hazard, or she doesn't want to push her son out. She shares custody with the Father. I keep saying it's not fair for the twins to share a room with their sister and Lil man has his own room. Am I wrong for feeling like she's putting her son over the fair thing to do? Help
Put some bookcases up,
Put some bookcases up, position the dressers, as separators so that each of your children has their own space.
If the attic it that big,
If the attic is that big, can you finish it and create two bedrooms? A quick way to create resentment in her son is to make him give up his room. Or - can you make it a "boys cave" - with a tv and games or whatever they are into - so that he would want to move up there?
And if the attic is truly a fire hazard - no kids should be sleeping up there.
If the attic is in fact a
If the attic is in fact a fire hazard, or not a "legal" bedroom, then it's not an appropriate place for your children to be living. Perhaps you and your wife should find a different place to live. Didn't you discuss this before you moved in together?
Sharing rooms
@ndc, the attic is not a fire Hazzard! That was her reason for not putting her son up there with the twins. We were supposed to move years ago, but she doesn't want to move out of her rental house. Sometimes I think it's a power issue, because she was there first. I moved out of my apartment into her rented house so that we could save money. That was 5 years ago and it seems like a mistake.
I get it. However, your SS
I get it. However, your SS-11 sharing a room with your two twins has a ton of risk of exclusion, etc.... for the SS.
You are better off finding a new home for your new family where there are more rooms for the kids and where it is new for everyone so there is none of the issues with you and your kids moving into the house your DW has shared with her son.
As for the attic being a fire hazard, my assumption is that it is fully finished and like a game room. If it is a raw attic.... none of the kids need to be up there.
Sharing rooms
@Rags the attic is finished with air-conditioning 3 beds and a couch. I would think that would create a better bond between them. As far as moving, she filed bankruptcy last year and now we have to wait until she clears to begin the process of buying a house
Exactly what I was hoping.
In that case... yes, the boys are close enough in age to share a room. Your daughter should have her own room.
The "fire hazard" bullshit is just that... bullshit. If it was a fire hazard why on earth would you have your own kids up there? Obviously, you wouldn't.
Do keep in mind that for kids in a blended family bonding can be a challenge and biobrothers are going to far more likely than not bond far more closely with each other than with a SB. Throw in the even closer bond of twins and it would seem to me that the risk of SS being excluded would be notable.
Good luck with all of this. It is not an easy situation for any of you.
May I ask why you guys didn't
May I ask why you guys didn't discuss this before you got married? Seems like an important thing to talk about.
No one should live in an attic, you guys need to find a place big enough for you - or renovate the attic.
To be blunt, you moved in
To be blunt, you moved in with her. I would be extremely resentful if a new "step-parent" moved me into an attic and another child took my room. Think big picture here. You can't just look our for your own kids when you are the one coming in.
Although he moved in willing
Although he moved in willing to put them in the attic, so it doesn't appear he was considering them much at all.
Sharing rooms
Dogmom1321, your right I did move in with her after we got married, thinking we would have moved by now. It's her that doesn't want to move out of her rental. And I think about all the kids not just mine. Whatever I plan, I make sure my step son is involved. I started a boys ministry taking them camping and at the time I started it I dropped the age group down so that he could attend. Is it right for my twin 13 year old boys to share a room with their sister. Shouldn't boys be with boys? Besides her son lives with his dad full-time now. That was something they planned before I was in the picture. He comes over Mondays and Wednesdays and every other weekend. So am I wrong to think they could share the attic which is comfortable for the 3 of them.
Some states do not allow
Some states do not allow opposite sex kids to share rooms after a certain age. It can be a CPS issue.
But your larger problem is that your wife is unwilling to negotiate about anything.
Honestly... it seems like
Honestly... it seems like this situation was really not well thought out. I would have had to take a real double take at the woman I just married when the reason she was giving for room assignment was that the place she intended MY children to sleep was a FIRE HAZARD!
She doesn't want her kid up there for that reason... why on earth is it ok for your 3.. including your young daughter that may have some extra challenges to be in an unsafe room.? Why are you allowing it?
I think the better option would be for you to find a new place with enough room for all the kids.. so it would need to be at least a 4 bedroom home.. one for your daughter.. one for the twins.. one for her son and one for you and your wife. Unless your kids are only in the home a couple days a month.. I don't see it being fair to continue in the same home that you are in now if you can't provide all the kids a safe and private space to live.
If the attic room is big enough to make into legit...SAFE rooms.. then I would do that renovation.. who knows.. maybe your SS might be interested in bunking up in the "boys" level? I don't know if the kids get along or not.. but two boys rooms in the top floor.. if it is safe might be a good option. The youngest child with some possible special needs.. maybe it would be better for HER to be closer to your room?
My XH was the kid in this situation
When XH's parents divorced, his dad retained the marital home and 50% custody of XH and his brother. He re-married to a woman with 2 sons, and they all moved into the marital home (her sons were 100%, I think). XH and his brother were displaced from their bedrooms into a shared space.
Neither XH nor his brother ever got over it. It was deeply upsetting and they were really disappointed in their dad. Frankly, neither got over it.
Take that for what it is, one example of a bad outcome, but those suggesting that you all relocate into a shared home are spot on. A new home is a fresh start.
IMHO.. this is a hill to die
IMHO.. this is a hill to die on. You are responsible for providing your children safe and adequate housing. The current housing situation makes that impossible. The only solution that has a chance of being fair and not creating resentment is for you and your wife to find new accomodations.
And.. if she is unwilling to look into that option..it is a priority that YOU find a place for your children to live and you live separatedly from your wife.
She may find that she has a different opinion when you inform her you will no longer be contributing to her home because you are going to be getting a place to accomodate your children.
Sharing rooms
@ ESMOD, that is why I came into this group. We had the conversation yesterday about this situation. I can say I am guilty of not planning it out to the fullest. I believed that we would have moved by now, seeing its been five years. Her son now resides with the Father, which was in effect before I came along. My kids were with their mother's in the beginning. My daughter is still with her mother, we have her every other weekend and all holidays. The twins moved in with us last year because of their grades. Boys and their mothers, so we discussed them coming to live with the wife and I. And they moved in full time. Her son comes Mondays and Wednesdays and every other weekend. Also the attic is safe, that was her reason for not having her son up there. We can't do anything to the attic seeing as though it's a rental. I have brought up moving a hundred times and it becomes a argument. She doesn't want to move until we purchase a house, we haven't purchased a house yet because she wants new furniture when we move! It's like no matter what I say she shoots it down.
I think you need approach
I think you need approach this possible move as a way to provide a solution that will make everyone happy.
I mean.. sure.. her kid isn't there full time.. but he is there more than a couple days a month...he is there almost 50% of the time.. enough that it makes sense for him to have his own space. And... even if it were possible to just move him to a smaller room since your boys are FT and he isn't.. the optics of being pushed out of "your room" are probably pretty big for a kid his age.
And.. your daughter.. isn't there FT either.. but your boys are of the age where they shouldn't need to share with an opposite sex sibling. And she needs some privacy too... and depending upon her needs.. extra help you may need to give her.. a room more proximate to yours would seem a better option.
And your sons.. are there FT.. and certainly.. they probably don't mind being in the attic room together.. and it's unlikely that if you buy a home that they would end up with their own room since that would have to be a pretty big home.. not sure if you financially would have that option. But they shouldn't have to share with their sister either.. they deserve some space of their own.
Your wife is being stubborn because as it stands.. she is moking no compromises... and her demand for new furniture is ridiculous.. how about you find a home.. take the furniture you already own.. and then work towards new furnishings as finances allow?
I'm with ESMOD on this. The
I'm with ESMOD on this. The time has come to force her hand.
I don't think it's a good
I don't think it's a good idea to displace her son that is there 50pct of the time and has always been his room for the daughter that is there 4 days a month. Kids that aren't full time shouldn't have full rooms dedicated to them IMO. THat said, being female, she will need privacy soon. I don't think CPS would care too much about her sharing a room 4 days a month, that is actually quite typical in NCP cases. That said, could you guys purchase one of those partition dividers, they come in all kinds of styles, colors and adding a couple back to back would totally divide the space without re-modeling. Give the boys a little more space as they are there full time and it's two of them and create a little small room/nook for your daughter that is there very limited time.
Other then that, your only option is to move out and rent a place with your own kids and move on from this relationship. I don't think she's in the wrong here either. Her 'excuse' is out there though.
Buy or rent a five bed room house
Then everyone has there own room. Where they stay in 4 days a month in the bed room or 12 days a month in the other. The answer is you don't have enough room. You moved in. So this is your problem to solve. SO and her DS were there first and living there without you, and making it in life.
She is upset that you are doing nothing I.e not finding a bigger place. And you answer is to make her DS to basically pay for your not doing anything.
You can put a wall up to separate your kids making two bedrooms. But I guest that is to hard ?and or cost money Or you can move to a bigger home. What also is harder and cost money with bigger expenses each month. then is some happens like you leave she out in the street, because she can't afford the new home
They have been together 5
They have been together 5 years... at this point.. either she should be able to be confident that she won't be left in the lurch by moving.. or there are much BIGGER issues that the couple needs to discuss..
As it stands.. he moved into what he felt and was told was temporary. Now she is delaying and putting more conditions onto whether they move or not. HOnestly.. if they were to break up.. that new house would be sold.. and she could go back to renting a 2 bedroom house.. no one would be forcing her to stay in a home she can't afford. And she is in a RENTAL.. it's not like this is the family home he is asking her to leave.
The house just is not big enough for 6 people.. it is not like they are a year away from kids moving out on their own.. they have a good amount of time left where they will need to provide housing to their kids.
Perhaps it should be on OP to take the bull by the horns.. go looking at houses and see what they can afford and present her some options?
There could be other reasons
There could be other reasons she doesn't want to move. If she doesn't see this relationship lasting long term then she has no incentive to find a bigger home, with a larger lease payment just for his kids. I mean think about it, she went from having all kids EOW to the twin boys full time and a sd with special needs. That is not easy on ANYBODY.
I wonder what her side of it is. He should just find a place for him and his kids and move out. A 3 bedroom place and call it a day. This relationship isn't going anywhere IMO.
That was my point of "they
That was my point of "they may have bigger issues".. at play here.
It may well be that she is questioning the relationship and her sanity by two of his kids now being there full time. We don't have any idea how that blending has gone for them.... and perhaps she is holding on to that house with the thought that her DH and his kids may not be around for long.
But.. if that is a possibility.. it's even more important that he have this conversation with her.. why won't she move forward? Is it because she is ready to leave the relationship? is it worry about money? is it hoping his kids will not be there FT any more? Right now.. he is kind of flying blind and just frustrated by the tight situation.. they need to talk about this and understand more about why she is resisting.. it may be more than she is just being petty and stubborn.
Bigger issues
Bigger issues
There seem to be financial issues here too. They are several years away from her being able to be on a mortgage.
I agree. I think he really
I agree. I think he really needs to have this discussion and also ask her openly and not be defensive on her answers about how she feels about their blended situation...of his having his boys fulltime and a child with down's. That can't be easy. Now he's asking her to move her 50pct of the time son out of his room he's been in for years to share the attic for his daughter who is only there EOW>
But yes, bigger issues at play for sure.....he should ask her but be ready and receptive to her true feelings.
I also still think 8 years old there isn't that much rush for her to have her own room. She won't hit puberty likely for a few more years so there shouldn't be a big issue with her sharing the room with her brothers for a few more years by using a divider for some personal space/changing, etc.
Also, have you asked the home
Also, have you asked the home owner about building one sheet rock wall up there? I wouldn't think they would care since it adds value. It wouldn't cost you much. Probably the same as a couple of those partition divider things.
Get your own place that's big
Get your own place that's big enough for your children to each have their own space. Three bedrooms - one for you, one for your boys, and one for your daughter. Let your wife sort out her home and financial issues. Frankly, she sounds entitled. She's declared bankruptcy, but doesn't want to move until you can afford a new home AND a houseful of new furniture? Ooooookaaaaay,