Daughter's child and step-children. Who gets what room?
My daughter is pregnant with her first child. Her fiance has twin boys 11yrs old. She is buying a house and asked me to help her to decorate. I suggested the larger room for their baby mainly because the boys have a bedroom with their mom and step dad. This basically led to an arguement, and here's why.
To complete this picture, my daugthers fiance lives with the boys mother and her husband and they have a 7 year old son and he also has a grown daughter. The 2 boys share a room at their custodial home and it consists of a box spring and mattress on the floor and a dresser. The fiance's excuse for not remedying this situation is that he is paying child support, however he is living rent free. I basically blasted my daughter when she uttered those words as some sort of justification and let her know this could be her. I found this all out when I made the suggestion that the baby be given the larger room. The fiance doesn't know that I know all this. I might also add that the boys mother is adopted and has no relationship with her adoptive parents. The fiance's mother is basically hands off. I am the only grandmother who will ... care.
I innocently made my suggestion because again, the boys have a room and my daughters son's room in his only home shouldn't be the smallest. I was made to feel like I don't care about the boys. Nothing could be further from the truth because they will be my grandson's brothers. But the blame needs to be placed where it belongs and the proof here is in the pudding. I know he is going to be just a baby and won't know what's what, but I just don't want this to become a sitution where he feels that he is an after thought. I don't want that for the tsins either, rather I think tehir dad should get himself in gear and fix their rooms.
Am I wrong?
I'm completely confused. Your
I'm completely confused. Your daughter's fiance lives with his ex-wife and her new husband?! That's weird. Who has a 7-year-old son and who has a grown daughter?
How often will these twin boys be in your daughter's home? How big are the rooms? My first thought was that the twins should have the bigger room, but that depends on sizes of the rooms and how often the kids are there.
I think the large room should
I think the large room should go to the child who is living there all the time.
How often are the twin boys there?
Large room goes to whomever
Large room goes to whomever has to share, even if they're only there 50% of the time or whatever. It only makes sense - if they're sharing, they should get more space. The person who doesn't have to share already gets more space and privacy even if they're in a smaller room.
I think
1. It is up to your DD and her fiance. You made the suggestion once, the second time it is nagging. It is time to knock it off.
2. Two larger kids sharing? Yes of course they get the bigger room. Even if you look at the situation based on tme, there, two 50% adds up to the 100% of the baby.
3. I doubt the baby will feel neglected. Come on, even when he is old enough, he will see the other kids sharing a room.
Thanks for replies.
Very wierd that he lives there, but he's cheap. I don't want to paint the wrong picture in that I honestly think he is just a child of misfortune.
The boys mother is married. She and her husband have a 7 year old, so biologically she has the twins and a 7 year old. Her husband has a 21 year old daughter from a previous marriage so biologically he has a 21 year old daughter and 7 year old son.
The boys will mainly visit in the summer months when they are out of school. The rest of the time it will just be an unused room. I planned to put a desk in the room (we are getting a transitional set) so that when he starts schiool her son will be in the habit of using it. The rooms aren't that big. The bigger room is 12x11 has a larger closet and situated so that a desk and dresser will fit. The other room is 11 x 9. So I figured bunk beds and a dresser.
Your new grandson
Is not even born yet, he does not need the desk. By the time he does, for all you know, the dad may have custody of his older kids
Doesn't sound like a huge
Doesn't sound like a huge difference, and the baby won't care about his room size until the twins are 18 and probably not visiting anymore.
Also, I agree that you need to butt out, it's none of your business who gets what room. One suggestion is fine, but if they decide otherwise, you will just have to live with it.
Size of bedrooms??!
IMO, there's more here to be concerned about than who gets what sized room.
If you want to provide valuable advice to your daughter, then I'd have a serious but gentle conversation with her about what may lie ahead once she marries this man. You are absolutely right that this could be her in the future. In fact, I'd bet money on it the odds are so good.
First, you said SHE is buying the house. If that's the case, it's important for her to keep the house in her name and her name only. As a mother-to-be she needs to ensure that her life and her child's life cannot be negatively impacted by this guy even though he is the father. After all, he can't seem to adequately take care of himself nor the children he has already begat.
Second, he is living with his ex wife AND HER HUSBAND which shows he is willing to ignore common boundaries and do what's easiest for him - a slacker's way out. This is a very unhealthy situation and the fact he is allowing his boys to sleep on a mattress shows he is not the kind of father willing to fight for his kids to live decently even if it means working double shifts.
Third, you are absolutely right when you told your daughter, "This could be you..." in the future. Past behavior is a very good indicator of what's to come. The fiance has shown he can't take care of the kids he has, he is still enmeshed with his ex wife, and yet he is having a baby with your daughter and moving into HER house.
I'd say the odds are your daughter will be heading for divorce court before she gets her baby out of diapers. Let's only hope that she protects herself financially from this idiot. Best thing that could happen is she does NOT marry this loser and raises the baby on her own - as she may have to eventually anyway.
Then her baby can have both the bigger bedroom AND a playroom to him/herself.
Thanks for seeing the bigger picture.
I plan to talk to my daughter and say all of what you have said here because that is the reality. There is more here than mere words. The kids will understand that they have 2 rooms IF their room at their custodial home is adequate. That would be the easy thing to make them understand. But what I find pathetic is trying to use this situation to make up for lacking.
In step situations, you
In step situations, you cannot always use the bioparent as a cop-out. "You have an adequate room at your other house, so here, we've crammed both of you in a small room." doesn't work. That assumes they are grateful for having two seperate homes. Trust me, they're not.
I don't think I am using the bioparent as a cop-out.
Even though my daugthers house is an adquiate size, the guest bedrooms are both small so regardless they will be crammed into a small room. That isn't going to change. Their rooms at their custodial home is much larger and they have the option of separate rooms. The assumption that they are grateful for two homes based on the FACT that they have a bedroom elsewhere is diametrically opposed.
Please, don't fight with your DD over the rooms
It is silly, and she may stop listening to you. I get it, you love your first granchild, and want to buy stuff for him. I guarantee you, there will be desks for sale when he starts school.
FAR more important is to get her to get a prenup and keep the house in her home (assumng she can pay for it).
No one is saying that they do not have a room with their mom, but they cannot use it when they are with dad (once he moves out), and they may not be grateful for living in two homes. They may even resent that they will not be living with both their parents (and the present situation is crazy, but it is what they know).
I'd be less concerned with
I'd be less concerned with the size of the baby's room, and more concerned that your soon to be son in law lives with his ex wife and not your daughter. Definitely some red flags with this guy.
Yea... this guy sounds like a
Yea... this guy sounds like a loser.
THANK YOU!
WTF am I reading here? The daughter is having a child with a freeloader who has no pride (what kind of man lives with his ex while dating someone else, impregnating her and still stays put?) and we're worried about square footage in rooms.
If the older boys only visit
If the older boys only visit in the summer (i.e., not a 50/50 custody situation and they're not even visiting EOWE), I'd put the full-time resident in the larger room and set up bunk beds for the twins in the smaller room. However, it's your daughter's decision. You've already made your suggestion, and she will now do what she's going to do. I would drop the subject.
I agree with prior posters that the room situation is the least of your worries; your daughter's fiance does not sound like much of a prize.
I would give the larger room to the kids who share
for now. And then make a decision later when the new baby is older and see how often the older two actually use the room. Bunkbeds and two teenage boys crammed into a small room sounds like a nightmare. The baby won't care which room he has for a few years and a desk right now is a waste of space no matter which room the baby has.
Right now the desk is a changing table.
My daugter's fiance said "the baby can get the bigger room when he's older and the twins go to college". Well, I know kids can change but right now, one isn't even interested in school. So this is yet another area where there are how many adults in the house and no one is helping the kids with their schooling. He himself dropped out of college so...
I personally think it's best to establish a situation ratheer than "giveth and then taketh away" because now kids feel they aare being punished. In either case, should they have another child, the boys would be moved to the basement, which is where I think they even want to be at their custodial home.
I think the issue of rooms is symbolic
I mean in this in a helpful way. You do not want your DD's future stepkids to get any resources from her. I understand that. I do. But the best way to do is ignore the rooom issue and discuss a prenup. The room issue is minor
And understand this, custody can and does change. Her DH may end up with custody of his older kids.
You need to take a giant step
You need to take a giant step back. Stop with your advice and opinions. Your daughter will do what SHE feels is best for her child and I would assume her fiance is given a vote since I'm guessing he will be moving in too.
You do not get a vote. There are arguments that can be made on all sides. Two bigger kids sharing a space seem more needy of larger space. An infant could live . A closet...lol. closet size I mean... maybe your daughter will also use twin room as a guest room some? It's her choice .
Your meddling in her life is going to cause her issues in her relationship...so even if this guy isn't right... SHE needs to figure that out for herself. Please back off
Well isn't this a dandy. Aren
Well isn't this a dandy. Aren't you the least bit consered about this dude she is expecting a child from.
From one Granny to another Granny. KEEP YOUR MOUTH closed and your opinions to yourself. Do not meddle, do not just show UP at their house without a proper invite. Get a life outside your daughter and her very questionable choice of men.
"Daughter, sounds like you have it figured out..." and smile. "daughter what do YOU think you should do". She is an adult, having a child...time for YOU to back away. Also do not agree to babysit...let them figure everything out.
Have your husband buy you an RV, book a cruise maybe two or three a year... And start thinking about your future as you near retirement.
Oh boy this does not sound like good situation.
If BF is a loser
When BF contributes money to your DD home Then he may have a say. The baby gets the bigger room. SK are not going to be there that much time. Matter of fact who knows how long BF will be there.
Well, My Daughter Has Spoken!
In a nutshell...
The boys will be moving to the basement. Originally, her fiance was to design a man-cave for himself, enclose the areas where the furnace and washer and dryer are, and design her an office. I know my daugther and that office in the basement just wasn't going to work. So instead, the boys will go there and because they are getting older, I know they will love it and will get their own individual rooms. Her baby will get the larger bedroom and she will use the smaller room as her office.
After "the blow up", things obviously didn't sit right with her and she came and talked to me. My daugther and I are close and she knows that I would never "mistreat" the twins and want the best for everyone all around. She will talk to him and make sure they fix the boys rooms at home too. I really got on her for taking his side on that situation and she admitted that she was wrong and told me why. But I reminded her this is about the kids.
Thanks everyone for the advice. And yes, I know there is a bigger issue here.
Your daughters future step
Your daughters future step kids will be put in the basement?
That will not go over well.
Now in intact families it would not be an issue. In step families it will likely blow UP,.
Basement, Not Dungeon.
They were told and are estatic. The basement is basically finished (except the laundry and furnace areas) and carpeted just needs to be framed for the different areas. For the record, my daughter really cares for the boys and they love her. She has been there for them. They consider me their grandmother over their actual grandmother. Sorry my daughter couldn't afford a mansion.
FAMILY, does what is necessary and we are making the best of a precarious situation. It may not be to YOUR liking and that is okay.
Katy, another word of caution...
"They consider me their grandmother ..."
PLEASE be careful about this. While it is heart-warming you are caring and loving these boys as if they were your own grandchildren, the fact is they are not. Should anything happen to your daughter's relationship with their father, there is a very high likelyhood they will both be gone from your lives. Just go to the granskids section here and read the heartbreaking stories about people who were cut out of their gskids lives.
You don't want to be in a situation a few years from now where you've invested your heart and soul into these two boys and they may be ripped from your life. While it's easy to hope it won't be the case, the fact is that it does happen. And often.
Katy,
Katy,
My parents accepted my SS from day one. They met he and my bride when SS-26 was 18mos old and 5mos before his mom and I married. He is their eldest grandchild and are the only REAL grand parents that he has. My ILs are of course his grandparents but are not nearly as invested or as close with him as my parents are. The SpermGPs ... have done little more than manipulate him since he was a toddler.
These boys are lucky to have you.
2Tired4Drama & Rags, Thanks for you comments
I know there is always a chance that these kids can be gone with the wind from My life and that of my daughters, but the realities are, they are here NOW, I am of gramdma age (lol), and doing certain things just come naturally because I had wonderful parents/grands. I would rather take the time to be that than have regrets later and even if they one day move on. They have their graduation from primary school tomorrow and on their own sent me an invite. I have had a lot of firsts with them, some of which you wouldn't believe, such as something so simple as ice cream between chips ahoy cookies, taking them to the farm for hay rides produce picking and cider, we made an ant farm. I had to tell their dad to take them to see their first movie at 5yrs and to buy them their first bicycle. There are things that their mom or actual grandmother should have done and in come cases their dad...but he seemed lost and now wants to do better, I think.
Bottom line, if they do happen to move on, I won't have regrets but would pray that wherever they end up, they are treated well and knowledge is passed on..
Next will be a Granny bedroom
Next will be a Granny bedroom so op can babysit all the kids....
So her daughter can hop back to work to cover all the child support her boyfriend gives to bm. "FAMILY, does what is necessary and we are making the best of a precarious situation"
LOLOL this gets better and
LOLOL this gets better and better each post!!!!
werc