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sharing holidays/special occasions

finchie's picture

I posted this in another forum and I didn't get any responses. Perhaps I will here.

How do you split the holiday season?

BM wanted to have me (BD and I have been in a relationship for a year, living together for 5 months altho my job requires me to travel quite frequently so I do not give myself the title of SM as of yet), BD, and BD's mom and BD's bro over for christmas morning. This was sprung 3 days before christmas, as she wanted to change christmas dinner plans. Orginally BM was to have kids Christmas Eve/Christmas morning, BD Christmas afternoon/dinner. She decided she wanted the kids the whole day, offering to share Christmas morning in her house instead. There was no request to switch, it was told to BD that this was the way it was going to be.

She has said she wants to have a "Demi Moore/Bruce Willis" type step family sitch, celebrating all holidays/birthdays/etc together. BD and I feel we are still establishing our home together, still trying to get the children to see that they have 2 homes now. We feel it's too early for this kind of mixing, altho perhaps in the future it will be possible, we are still trying to develop healthy boundaries.

This was all discussed with BD's fam before even mentioning it to BD, and in turn to me, at least a couple of weeks. (Don't ask why neither BD's mom or bro told him about it, never gotten a clear answer).

I feel like considering SS2 and SS4 really don't understand BD and I live together at the moment, this would have been extremely confusing, BD agreed.

What do you think? I need some prespective on this

GoodbyeNormaJean's picture

I would not agree to this.

If you start letting BM plan the holidays now, the expectation will be that everyone will arrange their holiday schedule around what she wants at the drop of a hat. This is an unreasonable expectation.

BM and BD aren't married anymore, and BD plans his own holidays now. Without her. He needs to not only let BM know this, but also his mom and brother.

finchie's picture

This is what I felt as well. I feel this would be setting a precedent for every future holiday/special occasion.
We did not do this, but I feel like now, everyone would feel like I am now the evil stepmother who is preventing a happy christmas, even tho BD did not wish this either. We ended up with the skids for 4 hours on Christmas (driving them 30mins to our place, opening presents with us, then driving 45mins to BD's mom's house and then BM picking them up from there). The kids were so tired and cranky after being yanked around, I can't imagine it was a pleasant Christmas dinner. I feel like BM is trying to look like the sacrificing angel who will do anything for her kids but really the arrangement as it was, was what they have always done and would have required less stress on the kids.
The BD mom and BD bro are another story. I feel like both will bend to anything the BM says/wants to prevent lack of contact with the kids.
Anyone have any advice to this?

GoodbyeNormaJean's picture

Well, there is no reason she should get to decide to "sacrifice" or not on any given holiday.

Most divorced couples aren't able to agree on this, so they end up getting a court order that makes it fair to everyone.

In our court order with BM2 (with whom we don't agree on anything, ever) it says that she gets her Thanksgiving on even years from 5pm the Wednesday school lets out till 5pm the Friday before school starts back. Then we get her Christmas break even years. Christmas break is defined as from the Friday school lets out until 5pm Christmas day. She gets her Halloween even years. Spring Break Odd years. She gets her Mother's Day. We get her Father's Day. She gets her New Year's Day. We get her for the 4th of July. The holiday schedules precede weekend visitation schedules always.

This often doesn't work out for her, and she wants to make other arrangements, pick up early, have us pick up late, etc, but we are no longer willing to work with her because it has become a control issue.

We get along with BM3 very well, and our court order is almost never followed, but it's nice to have it to fall back on when something comes up and neither party really wants to give up their request. It's nice for one person to be able to say, "Well, I'm court ordered to have that time, so I guess we'll have to agree to disagree, but I'm pulling trump this round."

Just get a CO and go by that. And remember that one big part of being a blended family is that when it's not your turn to have kids on holidays, do your holiday stuff on a day when it IS your time to have them, and don't make a big deal about it not being the right day. It doesn't have to be this big "Oh, Christmas is RUINED because we didn't get the kids." Have Christmas the weekend before if you have to, or whenever.

GoodbyeNormaJean's picture

We have a similiar situation with BM3. We get along well and do things together all the time. In fact, she's one of my better girlfriends, even though sometimes she does things that make me *palm to forehead*. We don't agree on EVERYTHING but we're still friends. That's pretty much any girlfriend for me, it's not just her. I'm not sure I'm "friend material". I'm pretty self absorbed, and very busy.

As for holidays, though, I LOVE my home, and I love the traditions we have made as a giant patchwork family. I don't want to go to someone else's house, and I don't expect anyone to shelve their traditions to come to mine. The holidays mean different things to everyone.

It was so nice to start new traditions this year, and to see DH's kiddos getting into some of our traditions, and to see them sharing some of their favorite traditions with my bios. Those are things I would miss if I was pressed to entertain people and keep their drinks full, trying to make conversation with people I only see a few times a year and don't really want to spend time with.

finchie's picture

Thanks for the feedback!
It wasn't my decision to force the kids to run around all day on Christmas. For me, coming from a divorced family, it is normal to have 2 Christmases and considering the kids ages, this could become normal for them as well, at least in my lowly opinion lol. For BD and BM, altho they both have divorced parents, their fathers are not in the picture so they have never split holidays so the 25th is the be all and end all. I am thinking of the future, what happens when we choose to have children? Will we never have our own Christmas morning because of this precedent? Will we forever have to pretend that the original BD and BM are a happy family?
I guess it was a huge lesson in my unimportance in BD's family. Altho they like me (mom says she loves me)I can never compete with not having her grandchildren and it sucks being made to feel like I have to compete! Obviously Christmas is for the kids, but I do not think I should be forced to spend it in the ex's house or have it discussed in detail behind my back with no consideration to my feelings (esp considering I am finacially supporting these kids, I make more than the BD).
I should add that BM and BD are not legally divorced yet. BD plans on starting proceedings in Feb. They have no CO in place. BM says its better this way because BD can see kids whenever he wants. Nice, but not true. Half the time when he asks to see kids during the week she says only if he eats dinner or visits with them in her house. Am I wrong for thinking this is unacceptable and inappropriate?

finchie's picture

Yes I agree, an open custody arrangement is fantastic, but I think some sort of CO would help to make decisions based on more than BM's whim and control.
The reason I feel, altho I know it's from a place of insecurity, that I don't matter as much, is that BD's mom sees BM at least once to twice a week but has only met me 3 times altho we have lived together 5 almost 6 months. I'm trying very hard to get the fact that she is going there to see the kids but I'm human and it still hurts some!
I am providing for these kids as well. While they are in our care, I pay most of the bills (because I make more money than BD), do all of the cleaning and cooking while they are in the home, to allow BD to concentrate on just spending time with the kids. Am I being crazy? The sudden change in schedule didn't really matter it was that it wasn't even mentioned to me, like I was merely an afterthought. Is this what stepmother hood is?
I am so glad to find somewhere to ask questions!!!

somerg's picture

:jawdrop: I don't spend ANY time on the holidays with the ex's on either side except for exchangign of the kiddos(just bday's if it's outside of the home's and activities for the kiddo's that are also outside of the home)....ppl get divorced for a reason...cause they can't be around eachother ne more, not to re-marry and be in the same home even for a day...i've honestly never heard of this

i think i'd rather shoot myself then spend any holiday time with the ex on either side. :sick: