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Setting rules and routine, do I have any say?

bmwbmwbmw's picture

So without going into too much detail.

I'm 30 and in a wheelchair so living in a house with a three yr old who listens and is co-operative is important. I don't want to be living with a 6 yr old who thinks he can run all over me and just general not listen cos I'm in a wheelchair, why should I listen cos he's in a wheelchair sorta thing... so yeah me and girlfriend have been going out for 1 1/2 years -- known each other nearly 2 years, I'm thinking of moving overseas more permanently to be with her .. right now I just go over for 6 months at a time, half my time there/half her -- she lives in the Philippines, me Australia. I'm doing it cos she is worth it, she and her son make happy... she knows this as I've told her. Everything is great, I love her but we do argue a bit and it's always about her son. I think children need a routine of some sort - even if its just a night routine, a set bedtime etc etc... right now the 3 yr old does what he wants, goes to sleep when he wants/eats what he wants and means refusing food if he doesn't like the colour of it/very attached to his mum/just generally is the king of the house no rules or limits -- I don't think he has had any rules/limits in his little short life. I want him to have a bedtime as well as seeing as we are moving in together for me and my girlfriend to together set some house rules - for the little boy and us to follow.

Right now if I hear see or see him up late awake playing, I will say its 10pm you better get him into bed soon, its getting late. My girlfriend will either say "ahh he's just a kid, let him play" or "yes master" like trying to boss her around or something. I suppose I might sound annoying I can't help it as I feel so involved, the little boy calls me dad and I've been paying the rent in the house they live at for the last 5 months ... its the house I will be staying for 6 months in 4 weeks... that said I've been told by some that I'm not his real father, I have no say in anything regarding my girlfriends son but if we are going to share a house and live together I find that hard to just not say anything regarding her little boy. All I'm asking for mainly is a regular set bedtime for him, so me and my girlfriend have 2 hours of quality nights -- without having to stay up till midnight and the early hours of the morning to get it.... as for house rules I think if we are going to live together and do stuff as a family I have a right to say there a certain rules -my girlfriend too, we are all equal when it comes to that- right?

After 2 hours of talking my girlfriend sees where I'm coming from, she understand why I mention routines and consistency being very important... but it doesn't sink in cos she forgets or doesn't follow through next time the little boy is awake playing at 10:30pm, then I get annoyed and remind her about what we talked about (routines/consistency etc etc) -- then she either defends the kid "ahh he's just a kid, let him play" or has a sly go at me, that she says was just a joke like "yes master" kinda thing -- that is followed by a 2 hour talk about why routines/consistency are so important -- rinse and repeat.

I have tried Supernanny youtube clips were she talks about bedtime and explains methods of getting little ones to bed. I it might be good coming from someone other than me but although it had a positive impact -- following through we any of it was the problem... I'm not sure what to do but seeing as I will over there for 6 months in 4 weeks my girlfriend says it will be different this time and we will sit down and talk about everything when I arrive.... I really hope so but am not sure what I'm gonna say when asked what I want in terms of routine? .. I think its best to keep it simple, just a night routine -shower time before dinner or straight after dinner, me and girlfriends son can have a play, read a book or chat before bed at 7:30pm to 8pm - no ipads/no mobile phones etc etc and then its bedtime. But I think I will mainly keep it simple cos I'm gonna really want her to be consistent with the house rules we decide and routines for the little boy. Consistency is key.

The only thing I got in my favor is I know she likes me being a father figure to her little boy, its why we don't mind him calling me dad .. she didn't tell him to, a half British/half Filipino baby called me daddy -his dad is white, I was the only white guy in building haha- earlier this year and my girlfriends son copied him. Also cos the father split as soon as my girlfriend was pregnant, she has never seen him since -her son has never meet him and we are getting very serious, if everything regarding this goes I'm thinking of asking her to marry me - we decided to let her son call me dad, after all I don't mind - I like being a role model, a father figure..... but one thing I did say was if we are going to live together and I'm gonna be dad, I've got be involved in parenting matters.

If I feel like I'm not involved in parenting matters and just in general not listened to, we gotta live separately and we can just 'date' and do boyfriend/girlfriend stuff, nothing too serious like living together with a growing little boy in the house. If we can't live together cos my girlfriend wants to stick to her parenting style, it would be a really good solution ---- I won't be living we them everyday and be annoying saying that "its time for his bed an hour ago, its 10pm.." or "don't let him nap at 5pm, he will find it hard to go to bed at 9pm, he won't be tired.." .. cos I would prefer living together and just giving the little boy a bedtime/some house rules - it would be best for us long term but if that can't happen we can just live separately and just 'date'/ have fun and not get too serious about our long term future -enjoy today.

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That said am I ever going to be treated equally when it comes to parenting matters, I'm talking about the long term here?

Or will my girlfriend even if she agrees on a night routine/house rules, will she always automatically get defensive when parenting matters are raised?

You know, will tend to naturally revert back what worked before for her, no routine/late nights/a child asleep till 11am etc etc -even if agree otherwise?

Even tho I believe her when she says she wants us 3 to be a family in the future and that she loves me etc etc ..... I feel like it will always be an issue, in the back of her mind -- my girlfriend raised him from birth - who am I to tell her how to raise her child.. and I'm gonna say that maybe we should try this routine or do that slightly different cos it will be best for us etc etc, if I'm called dad I'm gonna act like a parent... I want my girlfriend to understand that.

Should I of waited till my girlfriend realized that things need to change, rather than trying help change and pointing her the right direction?

furkidsforme's picture

I would not move in with someone who didn't even want to TRY to be on the same page about how our family life would be. Basically, she wants you to move in, but have no voice in the family. No way. She might want you to be her boyfriend, but it sure doesn't sound like she wants you to be her PARTNER.

Listen to her actions, not her words.

bmwbmwbmw's picture

Yeah it all depends on how everything goes when I go back over - her ACTIONS not what she is saying, whether things will be different... us being in the same boat as furkids said... all I'm asking is a say, to have a voice and be listened to and I'm only gonna move in together long term if I feel I'm listened to have a say with the day to day going on's within the family... besides that is only fair, and I won't help out doing day to day parenting if I have NO say over routines or discipline -I'm not talking about spanking as I don't believe in that .......... as for being a father figure not a father, no she has told me she wishes I was the boys father .. she tells me I'm the only guy her son has seen his mum with and that she wants my advice on parenting (its following that's the problem..) but yeah if I'm just a father figure - with no say on anything parenting related - he isn't calling me dad, I'm not a parent after all.

Anyways I'm gonna see how things go in 4 weeks, watch her actions not what she says. Then I will have a clearer idea of what the future holds.

EDIT - thanks for the advice Smile

bmwbmwbmw's picture

"but yeah if I'm just a father figure - with no say on anything parenting related - he isn't calling me dad, I'm not a parent after all."

What meant was is I will talk to me, spoil him and just generally have fun ........ but I'm not going get involved with parenting things, that's not my job and I could see the lack of routine being as big issue in the future ... if we need to live apart in the future, that could happen running a business from home and needing 1-2 hours quite at nights ... when he's older, you have the days free as he's at school - the importance of needing those 1 to 2 hours at night time isn't as important.

At the end of the day I think if we a couple are gonna let the child call me dad -or anybody in my situation, then you have expect that will mean having a second voice when it comes to parenting matters and with that compromise when it comes to basic day to day stuff - the need to have a night routines and a decent bedtime for example. But its easier said than done, and there have been many men and some women too the situation I find myself in. I'm not alone here Smile

bmwbmwbmw's picture

Okay we talked about cultural differences and how they impact on day to day things, like routine and just in general our we live our lives. Now I know a lot of people have either said run for your life - happiness or something along those lines .. and I agree if there is no real change in the next 6 months or at least attempt to be on the same page with one another (this means compromise on both our parts) ... I will deffo reconsider moving over there to live with one another, instead I will get my own place and just "date" with my current girlfriend if she wants to -then who knows what will happen in the future .. if she isn't interested, I will live a single mans lifestyle and just enjoy myself.

But what I suggested is we both can make 3 additions to day to day life, to help adjusting to our partners culture a but easier.... the reason I said additions not changes is I'm not asking her to change his routine/bedtime cos he doesn't have one nor am I asking her to change the house rules as there aren't any ..... I'm asking her to work with me and let's all agree on it ..... anyways I said would like the following 3 things:

1. her son to have a regular bedtime, night time routine (I want to be involved in it too, read a book/talk for 1/2 hour at 8pm -around that time
2. Friday and Saturday nights I decide what we are eating for dinner .. no rice hahahahahaha
3. A basic set of house rules for us all to follow (that we ALL agree on) .. like no yelling in the house - tidy up after yourself etc etc

She said okay as she can see when she comes to Australia, it will be good for her to have 3 additions to our day to day life... it will help her adjust and not be over whelmed by it all ........ I hope this is the start of something good.