SD8 sleeping in my bed with SO while here, constantly nosy, tantrums all the time
How do you all deal with this? I literally would have no privacy if my BD wasn't away at college. I have set up shop in her room so I can get some peace and quiet. SD(8) runs this house when shes here. Sleeps in our room, cries and throws fits if SO and I have a conversation that doesn't include her (even if its about bills, or anything mundane). She butts in constantly saying "What? What are you talking about? What's going on? What do you mean, etc etc etc". And SO will then try to explain an adult conversation to her to avoid a meltdown. She walks around with a scowl on her face all the time. She will look at everything I do on the computer and ask questions about what I'm doing.... its just work! I don't think I shouldhave to explain to a child what I'm up to all the time. Sometimes SO will even ignore her annoying behavior and pretend its not even happening. I dont get it! She has no chores, no bedtime, no responsibilities, and no boundaries.
And the whining! OMG! I have to lock myself away so I don't blow a gasket! And he just takes it and takes it and never does anything about it.
Not to mention BM dictates all the scheduling, which interferes with us ever making plans because we never know from one week to the next what our kid schedule is. I've started to just make my plans whether or not SO can participate because I don't think my life should have to revolve around BM schedule.
UGH! I'm so frustrated! I've disengaged, but its hard! I love SO and SD, I want to spend time with them and enjoy her when she's here. But they are making it impossible! Does it ever get better?
No it will get worse as she
No it will get worse as she gets older if your SO doesnt start to actually parent this child. Does your SO realise his daughter is a child and therefore doesnt *get* to run your home?
By giving in to her every whim, explaining everything to her when she tantrums and always want to be included in EVERYTHING is actually encouraging her behaviour - does SO get this?
Many stepfamilies encounter the same problems you are, but it does sound like your situation is extreme in that your SO is enabling his daughter to be top dog. He is guilt parenting her and is providing her with zero structure which is damaging for any child, they WANT boundaries and thats why they will push and push, going to the extreme because they are escalating on what extreme behaviour they already exhibit - all because they dont get told no, dont get consequences.
Also why hasnt she got chores to do at your home? Shes 8 not 8 months, so perhaps a reward chart might be in order? Worth a shot. So brushing her own teeth/washing her face, dressing, tidying her room, putting her away her clothes, setting the table for dinner and clearing away, dusting the house, helping you or SO cook/shop for groceries, and also rewarding good behaviour on this chart. So set up house rules, which are written down and hung up (discuss these with SO and come to an agreement) - so from what you have said for me these may include :
No interupting grown ups when they are talking
No tantrums, talking things calmly if upset yes, but no tantrums
No shouting, screaming
Grown up bedroom out of bounds from sd
I also think your SO needs to look at the issue of separation anxiety, he doesnt want to end up with a daughter in her teens who is too afraid to sleep on her own and a partner who doesnt get to sleep with their OH!
A discussion is in order I think, personally I would go from the angle of you are really concerned over sd's behaviour and you are really worried about her and her future with regards to her behaviour. After a discussion about this I would definately mention the impact this is having on your life and your relationship with your SO. If he is open to change and wanting to tackle this then great but maybe couples counselling would be an option in order for him to see sense and also manage BM a bit better than he is, as right now there is no room for your in your relaitonship what with BM calling the shots and then setting a crap example for sd, who then calls the shots in your home. Not on!
Wow....your situation sounds
Wow....your situation sounds exactly like mine. I can SO relate to this! We can't even watch a movie at our house without missing most of it because my step-son continuously asks, "What's happening? Where's he going? Why is she doing that?"
I'll tell you one little trick of mine that works (sometimes!). Whenever I've had enough of the behaviour, I usually say...
"Wow, you seem bored yet you have a lot of energy! Maybe it's a good time to clean up your room".
Usually the answer is something along the lines of, "I can't, I have to do (whatever) and they disappear for awhile...
Dear lord...seriously...FSD9
Dear lord...seriously...FSD9 is SO nosey as well. She thinks she has to be involved in every conversation SO and I have. It's ridiculous. Only...SO says - this is an adult conversation - go find something kidlike to do while you still can...or he says this is none of your business.
Kid in the bed. Absolutely not. It's my sanctuary and the one thing I have left. Not to mention...it's not your kids. And she's 8 which is innapropriate. The girls know they are under no circumstance allowed on my bed while I am in it. Or DH is in it. Especially us together. When they were really little...I let it slide for awhile...and then my crazy SM instinct kicked in and I was like uh...excuse me? I did not concieve this child in a bed (she was probably concieved behind a dumpster...afterhours...oh wait...Birdface was not even old enough to be in a bar)...I do everything in my bed...read...write...makeups...I don't want this kid in MY bed. or any kid that isnt mine...that shares blood with a birdface. So...I won. No kids in the bed. I constantly tell FSD9 - not to peer over my shoulder when I am online or working...whatever I am doing is none of her business - and she is probably spying or something for birdface. It won't get better IF someone doesn't put a stop to this shannigans now.