SD that won’t sleep at our house
I vaguely posted about this before but I’m looking for some input.
DH and I have been married for 2.5 years. The entire first year SD11 spent the night with us 3 or 4 nights a week. Never an issue. Her big sister also stayed/stays with no issue.
i am very kind to my step kids. Initially even over the top kind to go out of my way to make everyone feel comfortable.my bio kids and step kids are the best of friends and have never even had a disagreement. They were friends prior to...
okay so one year ago SD11 is excited to spend our families first Christmas Eve night together. BM pics her up for a couple of hours Christmas Eve. Drops her back off and her face is like a ghost, she is solemn and anxious. She started crying and BM picked her back up for the night and she hasn’t slept at our home since. Clearly something was said to her as this was an instant change.
1.5 years later and dh doesn’t push it. He drives her back home on her nights here around 9pm. I think he’s making a mistake by allowing it to continue but the kid will pace and pray and cry and get sick if she attempts to stay here....also won’t stay with her friends or grandma anymore.
we went to Disney for a week and she was perfect fine...other than Drama BM tried to cause the night before since Bm didn’t want her to go.
what do you think? Is dh doing right by allowing her to go back to BMs each night?
I now dread the days she
I now dread the days she comes over because it’s just turned into chaos. It’s an hour round trip to BMs house so that means DH spends two hours driving to pick her up from BM and then drop her off...that’s a lot during the weekdays And while SD is here she is usually just asking when she will be taken back home 100 times, refusing to eat dinner with us and if she does she won’t sit at the dining table with everyone.
clearly something is wrong here.
He should have spoken to her
And gently tried to figure out what was going on. Do the other stepkids stay over?
He knew what was going on.
He knew what was going on. That BM made her feel guilty for leaving her alone on Christmas.
yes older SD16 stays here all the time. But BM hates it and purposely does all sorts of fun stuff with SD11 during DHs time to try and lure SD16 out of here but it doesn’t work most of the time.
after the divorce BM randomly started going to church every Sunday so that gave her a reason to interupt DHs weekends by picking the kids up Sunday mornings instead of the agreed upon Monday after school.
Part of this is probably because DH never made BM stick to a schedule and she would just pick and choose when or if the kids came over and often leaving it up to them but trying to get them to not want to come here.
Ya I’m wondering why she says
Ya I’m wondering why she says this. It would concern me that something happened that you aren’t aware of. I’m more inclined to assume BM caused this but even so I’d want to know what was said or happened that caused this.
We pretty much know what
We pretty much know what happened. Like I said SD left here on Christmas Eve day with BM for church as happy as can be retrned with a look of horror.
BM didn’t want the kids here with us that Christmas but it was DHs turn. SD is very sensitive so we assume BM made a remark about being alone on Christmas to get SD to go back with her. So SD11 went back to mom that Christmas but SD16 refused to go back to mom since it was DHs Christmas....when SD16 refused, BM yelled at DH and sent nasty texts all night.
BM is a high functioning alcoholic so likely had too much to drink and said who knows what to SD11.
now anytime we go out of town and SD11 wants to go with us BM freaks out and makes SD11 feel bad and threatens her that “if you can go spend the night with them on vacation then from now on you always have to spend the night there”. So that causes SD11 to say “okay I won’t go with dad”. Then BM feels bad the next day and apoligizes to SD and SD11 will go with us for vacation and be totally fine and have a blast and not even call her mom.
Your SD sounds like youngest
Your SD sounds like youngest SS here, except now he isn’t coming over at all. BM has tried to manipulate the eldest as well but he doesn’t fall for it the way the youngest does.
The only real advice I have is to seek therapy for SD. Although I personally believe that it won’t stop until the child is removed from the alienating parent or that parent stops manipulating - which isn’t likely to happen.
I’m afraid it’d headed in
I’m afraid it’d headed in that direction. She’s slowly over the last 1.5 years started to come over less and less. BM typically plans something on DHs weekend so it’s always someone’s birthday or something else going on so if she is even here it’s only for a couple hours.
i also agree that she needs therapy but it won’t help. I hope that as she gets older and matures....since she’s already behind for 11...that it changes.
BM also uses SD11 to team up on SD16 because she likes staying here.....often BM and SD11 make SD16 feel like an outsider or trader.
DH is just waiting and hoping that time will change things but I don’t know.
The problem I have is SD also plays both sides. If we are just staying home she stays with BM but if we are going somewhere she will want to spend the day with us. Like the Disney thing....she can’t spend a weekend night here but has no issue spending 6 nights with us in Disney. We have to jump through hoops constantly driving her back and forth and we have a very large family so it just makes everything always chaos. Our plans are always on hold waiting to go get her or have her be dropped off since there is zero routine or consistency. Both of which I think all kids need.
This is parental alienation.
This is parental alienation. Give it a couple more years and your SD will refuse to come over at all. As soon as BM thinks the court will listen to her refusal and not force her to go, she will stop coming over.
SD16 is more resilient and the alienation is not working on her.
I agree and this is also what
I agree and this is also what I fear. Dh thinks he is doing the right thing by allowing her not to stay here. The only thing we have in our favor is our 1 year who SD adores. So that may keep her coming back in the future.
My SD is the same age and
My SD is the same age and acts the same way. She used to be here all the time, now that BM is back in the picture she is up her butt and wants nothing to do with us. She hasn’t stayed a night here in 7 months and now she is hardly even coming during the day. There’s always an excuse. We have a 3 year old BD who adores her and it’s so sad for her to not have her around anymore. I agree with the others who said it’s alienation. These BMs make the kids feel bad for going to their own fathers house, like they shouldn’t be leaving their mother alone. In my experience it has only gotten worse.