SD doesn’t want to live with bio mom
So, the day we knew was coming, came sooner than we expected. DH is a rotational worker, so SD stays with us while he's at home, and she stays with her bio Mom when he's away. It works out to 50/50 custody. There have always been issues with SD and bio Mom's relationship, with SD receiving much less attention/understanding than she's needed. SD is now almost 11. During arguments, her bio Mom has walked out on her and refused to answer her phone, leaving her home alone or with a family member who was staying with them, sometimes for as long as a couple of hours. As you can imagine, this is intensified the issues between them, to the point of SD having major self esteem issues. Twice in the past week she has told her bio mom she no longer wants to live with her. DH has explained to bio Mom that SD is seriously damaged by the running out, and finds it difficult to talk to her bio Mom for fear of her running away again, and that she needs to try to rebuild some trust with her daughter. Bio mom is not heeding any advice. Where do we go from here?
Has your SD's attitude
Has your SD's attitude towards you improved any since your last post? Because if it hasn't then let your DH deal with it. If he wants his daughter around more then he can be the primary carer with minimal input from you. No matter how much you care for SD, you're not able to her need for maternal recognition. And without therapy, offering her an alternative mother figure will make her lash out like in the past. The cure to all this madness is for BM to pull her head out and step up as a parent.
That said, your SD is nearing the age where she will be able to have a say in where she lives. If you and your DH allows it, there's nothing BM can say or do to get 50/50 custody back if a teenager says no. Which means BM will be paying DH child support. That threat might be the kick BM needs to go to therapy with SD and improve their relationship. Clearly talking to BM about what's best for SD hasn't worked. You may as well threaten her wallet to see if she cares about that more.
Things have gotten better
Things have gotten better between us with her being here less often. With me being back to work fulltime, and her being back in school, she has had to spend more time at her Moms and I feel she's more appreciative of the time we do spend together.
I know if DH could, he'd be on the next flight home, scoop her up and bring her here to live without ever turning back. But I have expressed my concern about doing that right now, for two reasons: 1) is it teaching her to just run from uncomfortable situations, like her Mother obviously does. 2) she's already grieving the non-existence of a relationship with her Mother, so will removing her from that situation be more harmful to their relationship (lack there of)?
I think counselling for her is a must. Maybe it's time to chat with her about the arrangement. It's just always been this way, and when she was younger it didn't seem to bother her as much. Now she can verbalize and rationalize her needs and when they're not being met, so maybe worth a chat to see what she thinks would be a fair arrangement. No promises it will be that way, but to see what she's thinking?
She's old enough to
She's old enough to understand actions have consequences. You don't need to mention protecting your kids from her behaviour but you can point out that if she's going to be disrespectful then you'll back away. And if you back away then she's got no choice except to go back to 50/50. Hmmm, actually make your DH tell her. Less resentment that way.
If DH wants her there full
If DH wants her there full-time, he needs a different kind of job. Also, at 9, no court will allow her to choose, and don't encourage DH to get into a custody battle. She has at least 5 years to live there until a court will let her decide, if then.
I know it's hard, but you guys can't solve SD's issues with her mother. Especially not with DH working away from home.
I don't know that her living
I don't know that her living with us fulltime is the answer. I know DH is feeling helpless and just wants to pull her from that situation to protect her but I do feel that the consequences of doing that, also need to be considered. I do feel that SD is at an age where she's feeling misunderstood and likely that her feelings are not valid and that she can't talk to her bio mom about any of it for fear of her reaction. Obviously, this has been a shock this week, and is only intensified by DH being away at the moment. I think he needs to have some serious conversations with SD when he gets home, to try to get to the root of the problem. It's so hard to know what my role is here. I'm drove with every outsider saying, "it's time for her to come live with you guys fulltime". As an outsider looking in, that's easy to assume. But no one considers the other variables in this equation. I'm finding it difficult not to feel guilty with all the judgement coming from others.
The first thing that comes to my mind......
The first thing that comes to my mind is why is an 11yo arguing with her mother? Not in my world. That crap would have resulted in an extended state of abject misery in my parents home during the years my brother and I were growing up. It would not have been pretty.
The next thing that comes to my mind..... SD is damaged by her mother ignoring her when the 11yo kid gets lippy and argumentative? Really? She leaves in the care of a family member or home alone for as long as...... " a couple of hours". BFD and so what?
Any 11yo that I was raising that was argumentative and lippy would feel extreme relief if I ignored them and took a couple of hour supervised break from them or letting them be alone at home when they were being lippy and argumentative. This is an 11yo not a 6yo.
At 11-12yo my SS had a house key and was home alone for 1-2 hours every afternoon after school until his mom or I got home from work. He would walk to and from school with a group of kids and they would all stand in front of their houses, watch each other walk to their door, unlock the door, and walk in. Granted. It has been 16 or so years since then but .... this does not rise to a level remotely close to damaging an 11yo. IMHO of course.
This reeks of manipulative whiny kid bullshit combined with kid centric crappy behavior coddling parental crap .... on daddy's side of the parenting balance sheet. Mom at least seems to be willing to not put up with the argumentative disrespectful lippy 11yo SD bullshit though not in the way an effectively assertive confident parent would address SD's behavioral crap.
smh
In summary, your side of the blended equation is upset because the other side of the blended equation ignores an argumentative 11yo and takes a couple of hour break leaving the 11yo with a family member and occasional home alone. Even a basic search on this topic suggests.......
8 to 10 Years - Should not be left alone for more than 1½ hours and only during daylight and early evening hours. 11 to 12 Years - May be left alone for up to 3 hours but not late at night or in circumstances requiring inappropriate responsibility. 13 to 15 Years - May be left unsupervised, but not overnight. May, 11, 2020
As for SD-11 telling her mommy that she does not want to live with her any more..... so what? Any number of kids tell their parents that they don't want to live with them any more. Hell, I ran away from home dozens of times before I was 4yo. Mom would pack my lunch, kiss me on the cheek, tell me good luck and to write her when I found a job. Then she would watch me walk up the hill, climb the pile of dirt about 25yrds from the house, and watch me eat lunch and dig a hole in the pile of dirt to be my new home.
I am struggling with this as a serious topic of discussion.
Good luck.
Agree
I do agree with much of what you're saying. I often struggle with is this her not getting her own way or is there more happening here than meets the eye. I do know this woman well enough to know that connection is majorly lacking between her and her daughter. I've been living the broken promises for 6 years now, the ones that are made up with shopping sprees and material things. We have been encouraging her to talk to her mom about how she feels, but she said her mom gets mad or laughs at her whenever she tries to talk to her about what's going on. I teach kids at this age and I absolutely believe there's some pre-pubescent female stuff at play here, but I also believe there is a major lacking in connection between her and her mom. Whenever DH brings anything up to his ex, she plays dumb, and refuses to deal with it. She doesn't want to believe she has any part in the issue, and always calls DH to diffuse every situation.