Do you think it could have anything to do with making her mom uncomfortable if she were to include you?  Have you had other issues between you?  from other blogs it sounded like you had a decent relationship.. but sometimes people fall prey to pressure from others to do things.. like not invite you.. even if she would be inclined. 

The thing is - you can't make her like you or see you as family; all you can do is stop doing so much for her when it's unappreciated. It's not uncommon for people to have high expectations of what being a stepparent will be like - and have those dashed by reality.

Be glad your DH stood up for you - and if you trust him then don't worry about him sitting with BM. But going forward, stop trying to be anything other than "Dad's wife", pleasant to her, but that's it. 

If so, why didn't he get one for you?  Otherwise, he should refuse paying for anything but his ticket.

But agree with everyone - disengage.  As you are I the neighbor category, you are off the hook for anything at all for this ungrateful brat.

That is so hurtful. I don't know what type of graduation it is, or what the customs are like where you live, but where i live there aren't tables and people can invite as many people as they want. I agree that you should just write her off until/unless she somehow apologizes, means it, and tries to make it right. Age 16 is old enough to be a decent fricking human being, and she is not being one. Your DH must feel so ashamed and torn about whether to go without you. 

Call the school to find out if it's possible to get a ticket some other way. If there is, drop that little truth bomb on your H.

I don't think your H should go. His daughter is being a complete sh!t about this, especially since she invited a friend's mom but not you. This girl needs to be taught that there's a right way and a wrong way to do most things, and she has just pooped the bed by inviting only half of a married couple to her graduation. Bad behavior should not be rewarded, and letting his daughter get away with this is will only empower her to treaat you poorly again in the future.

I vote that your H tell his kid that if you don't go he doesn't go, and that means no gifts, either.

Thats incredibly disrespectful of her  to not invite you but also how that message was delivered, along with the big dollop of manure on top, the fabricated name calling.

While i am sure her mother engineered this, sd's behaviour is cruel and spiteful, and i hope your husband is disgusted with her and her antics. What exactly is he doing to 1) punish her for lying about you 2) pointing out the hypocrisy about her comments of not inviting "just anybody" yet her mom's friend merits an invite over you? 4) her deliberate cruelty towards you 3) rerouting any "responsibilities" you may be undertaking regarding sd? 

Imo while its admiral that dh confronted her, this situation is a perfect learning opportunity for sd, where there are physical consequences for HER actions. Most importantly your graceful disengagement from her- no more favours, girls days. I would not be alone with her-after all you are no one to her. I would also hope your dh is disciplining her i.e. no showy graduation gift, no after ceremony "family dinner". He should not be rewarding this either monetarily nor with his presence post grad ceremony.

Why will your DH be sitting at a table with BM? He should attend the graduation, which usually involves sitting in rows of seats or even bleachers, but he should not attend any dinners or events that would involve him sitting at a table with BM. He can take SD to dinner separately, there is no reason to do anything with BM, especially since she has indicated she would like to get back with him.

I guess compared to some of the stories here, the fact he said anything at all is commendable, but it isn't enough. In my opinion if she is acting like such a brat, he should not go. I know that sounds extreme, but what is this a high school graduation? Not that big of a deal; she is not graduating from Medical school or anything here. And I agree to disengage. Don't do a damn thing for her.

DH should tell SD that he won't attend any of the events that your are not invited to (it may be that you do not want to go but you should be invited), and that in order for him to attend after the crap SD pulled she needs to convince you to attend.

Of course DH won't do that as that will upset SD short run but will teach her a lesson in the long run that will be extremely good for the family.

What a evil thing to do. And such evil words to say. I'm guessing since you're the one that had problems with BM being at all these events and what not, that you have said something to DH about that, and he in turn, has said something to BM about it. And now she resents you even more.

So BM is in full poison the steps against you mode. Also the girl dates and all those conversations you had with SD could have been her just gathering information and for filling out a profile on an opponent. It could have all been fake. Reconnaissance for BM.

Sad but also unfortunately possibly true

Your DH should absolutely NOT attend. 

I put up with a LOT of shit from my DH but I would not stand for this. 

On the flip side I wouldn’t be sitting at dinner with dh and Bm and kids....ever. And he would not be sitting with Bm and kids at dinner.....his bags would be packed when he got home.

Since she feels you are akin to "just anyone" like a neighbor or distant cousin, act accordingly from here on out. Do not give her the benefits and privileges a daughter would receive from a mother if she's going to cast you away at any given moment. Disengage completely and let it be known that she is not your child, you did not birth her, and you do not have a biological link for her. Meaning she can't trample all over your feelings and still experience unconditional  love from you. From here on out, treat her with the distant cordialness a neighbor or distant cousin would have for her. 
 

Try to look at the positives in the situation. Now

yku know that nothing you do will be good enough for SD.  That is a very freeing and valuable lesson.   So stop doing for her.  Disengage and pretend she no longer exists.   No more shopping trips or girls day outs.  No birthday presents and certainly no graduation present.   

Plan a nice weekend get away to somewhere you have always wanted to visit.  Make sure you are taking that time for yourself and no one else.  Spoil yourself and enjoy it.   Your DH can go alone. 

But stop letting this child control your happiness.   Im sorry you don’t have children but SD will

never be yours.   Let that dream go and look forward to all the free time you will have to do what you want now that SD is no longer a priority.  

If DH goes after that little Hag pulled this crap and disrespected his wife, his key should not work when he gets back from the manipulative hurtful little shits graduation.

There are a lot of issues youve been experiencing and this one is most horrid.

YOUR DH should refuse to go without you. Period. Thats what MY DH did. He was presented with tix for himself, and told that there werent extra tix, yet cousin #1 and #2 had tix, Auntie #1 and #2 had tix. He flat out refused to go if I were not presented with a tix of my own. Aunties offered their tic. DH refused.

Next day I was presented with a tic. She stood in a line. Bam.

Your SD is testing waters and this is a hard line no, in my book. Esp with the lies and accusations. If that was happening, my DH would not continue supporting SD in her activities and at 18 she is off the daddee gravy train.

If you and DH allow this, it will continue and get worse.

Your husband should not go.  There is no reason why you should not be invited and also why he would sit at a table with BM especially under the circumstances of their relationship that you have described.  He should never sit with them and leave you home I don't care what the function is.  

At the very least if he attended, it should be for the graduation only no dinner after.  This step-daughter is doing this for  BM who wants him back.  I know this scenario all to well.  My step-daughter still tries to pull that crap with my husband.  My husband doesn't go.  And he would never attend without me.  

I am sorry you are going through this.  It is very hurtful.  I would certainly not be friendly to her in the future.  I would be civil if she was around the house but I wouldn't be going out of my way for her and cooking her anything.  When she came over I would leave that all to your husband and make plans for the evening when she is around and and go out.  Speak to her and leave.  

I know for a fact that my DH would not go where I am invited. He is finally happliy married and he'd never jeopardize our marriage and risk to lose me. It's sad your DH is going to go 

I know for a fact that my DH would not go where I am not invited. He is finally happliy married and he'd never jeopardize our marriage and risk to lose me. It's sad your DH is going to go 

I was not invited to SD’s graduation.  My DH went.  He was on the fence; however, I knew if he did not go, the relationship with his daughter might be broken irreparably.  (A lot of PAS).  He went, said congratulations and was done.  It was difficult to sit at home and know all this was happening.  But we all managed.

Today, this was over four years ago, things are professionally distant between SD and I, which is also manageable.  

Step life is difficult and events such as graduations and marriages high light the challenges.  Incidentally, the same SD is about to be engaged.

Your DH is not standing up for you nearly enough. If you are intentionally and hatefully excluded, he should decline to attend. If he doesn't support you now, with a graduation, what will it be like when it's something big, like a wedding?  My suspicion is that your H is either a big giant wimp or he isn't fully over the BM who wants him back and will now be sitting with him at the graduation - without you, his wife, anywhere to be found.

I also get the sense that your H thinks because he's older he gets more of a say in how things will be. I might be wrong, but if there's some of that going on, remember that marriage should be a partnership of equals and your wants and feelings need to be taken into account more than they are currently. Stand up for yourself!